The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3

by Charles Dean

  “Come on, Eve. You were just so full of words. Don’t tell me you’ve lost them all so quickly?” Stephanie cackled. “Dar Dar, no matter what we say or do, she’s not going to take away the quest. She’s out for blood--yours specifically--because you’re like me, a demon. Being her brother means nothing. I mean, after what she had tried to do to her people? And her own child? It’s best not to get mixed up with her kind.” Stephanie shot a quick glare at the still-dumbstruck Eve as she finished.

  What she did with her own child? I thought she said I’d be playing here with my niece, which has to be her child, right? I don’t have any other brothers or sisters . . . Do I? He studied Eve intently, trying to figure out a clue to the character of this obviously twisted person. “Your own daughter?” he mouthed at her.

  “Yeah, her own daughter.” Stephanie nodded, reading his lips perfectly, even from his side. “I mean, you did notice how she wasn’t at Charles’s place when we had dinner the other night, right? Her daughter, unfortunately, has the same problem we thought only affected males in our species, so Eve had to make sure she would never see a waking hour of life on Earth.”

  But that still doesn’t answer where she is now . . . or what happened to her. Is she in the game with us? Darwin started to wonder, staring at Eve.

  “Look, I need to get back to check on your little fort, and you need to start implementing your new recruitment policy. You did agree with the others on that, right?” Stephanie broke off the arm snuggle and headed to the door. “We’re both pressed for time, and this conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere at all. This woman will kill everyone close to her, so try not to spend too much time in her company. Right, Qasin? Oh, sorry. I mean, right, Eve?”

  Eve’s face, still slack-jawed and clueless, was now also as red as a fresh Washington apple. “I . . .” she started then stopped.

  “It’s okay. I’m not judging you. Everyone has man problems where they feel like killing their companion.” Stephanie opened the door and stared at Eve, Darwin now standing next to her. “Just stay the hell away from mine.” She held up her hand as if it were a gun and then pulled an air trigger. “Or else,” she said with a wink.

  Darwin decided he had well enough of visiting his sister and didn’t want to leave Stephanie waiting. In an attempt to be gentlemanly, he went up and held the door for Stephanie. No sooner had he gotten close enough to her to prop the door open, however, than she jumped up on him, wrapping herself around his body so that she was eye level with him. She gave him a three-second kiss that felt like two minutes. Her soft lips felt like clouds and marshmallows, and he could taste the cherry flavor from whatever she had been chewing on. The combination of the way her tongue danced around his mouth and the feeling of her chest pressed up against him left him more breathless than a clown in a balloon shop. But the kiss, not much different than the many they’d shared before, actually left him feeling used this time. Maybe Eve’s right. Maybe she’s always using me, he thought. But he didn’t care. Stephanie was getting him to where he wanted to be. It doesn’t matter if you get used. If both parties are getting what they desire, isn’t that fine?

  “Alright, see you tonight, Dar Dar,” Stephanie said as she landed back on the ground, wiped her mouth off and disappeared as quickly as she had come.

  “Later . . .” Darwin said at the fading figure as he too started to go through the door.

  “Wait!” Eve called out after him, but Darwin was going to heed Stephanie’s advice. Her own kid? Her new man, Qasin? When she’s already married? He couldn’t help but think of how vile his sister must actually be. I have the madness, but so what? Charles was able to offer a solution in no time. One that probably would have been available to her own daughter too by now if she were still around.

  “Stop, you have to ha--” Eve called out, but the door had shut and Darwin was already walking over to where Kitchens was haggling with a merchant.

  “Hey, what are you getting?” Darwin asked as he sidled up to Kitchens.

  “Getting? I was thinking of acquiring some tea since there aren’t any merchants for it at Lawlheima, but this man clearly doesn’t know his stuff or his prices.” Kitchens grumbled and bemoaned the man right in front of him, but the fellow’s face stayed chipper regardless of the complaints. “He can’t even tell the difference between Earl Grey and Lady Grey. Not to mention, he’s trying to charge me 30% over market price for the oolong.”

  “Well, let’s head out then. I know a better place,” Darwin suggested. “I remember seeing at least one nice tea shop in the central square where I first met Minx.”

  The shopkeeper, who had kept a cheerful, yet slightly-apologetic face the entire time Kitchens had insulted his abilities, suddenly panicked. “No, no need to do that at all, dear treasured and honored customers. I assure you, I can offer you a much better deal than any of the hacks you’ll find in the central square! Even if I have to go out of business doing it, I promise you that I’ll be able to beat their prices and still offer you a higher quality product!”

  “No,” Darwin answered, sincerely believing they were bothering the poor merchant. “I am sure you would, but there really is no need. This other guy offers better prices all the time. Perhaps he has a cheaper supplier? We really don’t need to inconvenience this poor guy,” he said, turning to his friend. “Let’s just go, Kitchens.” Darwin once again urged his friend to leave with a slight tap on the arm. This time, Kitchens actually turned around like he was going to take his friend’s counsel.

  “Fine! Fine! Young man, I’ll give you 35% off! Just please don’t leave to buy from that charlatan. You wanted three bags of Earl Grey and a bag of Oolong? I’ll give you 35% off and throw in half a bag of that Lady Grey tea you seem so enamored with! Honored customer, I assure you, he won’t offer any better price than this!” the merchant pleaded at Darwin and Kitchens’ backs.

  “Well, if you’re going to beg,” Kitchens sighed. “I suppose it would be mean of me not to.” He fidgeted with his inventory for a minute and then pulled out some money before handing it to the merchant and grabbing the five bags of tea in return.

  “Did that player just haggle with a store owner?” Some of the other onlookers, players, turned to look. The idea of haggling with an NPC store owner in a game apparently hadn’t occurred to any of them before. They were fixed in their ways and assumed that every store’s prices were set in stone like they were in every video game.

  “Wait, doesn’t that one guy, the one with the horns, look a bit familiar?” another one said. “I could have sworn I’ve seen that face before.”

  “Now that you mention it . . .” the first one who spoke up about the haggling, a brutish-looking lizard man, said, pondering the familiarity of Darwin’s face and scratching his scaly chin with his tail. “That’s . . . That’s the secret quest boss from Mt. Lawlheima!”

  As soon as he shouted that, every player in earshot stopped what they were doing and looked over.

  “It really is him.” The players began to talk, their voices carrying over to Darwin.

  “He’s way bigger than I imagined. I mean, I saw the clip, but I didn’t realize how big he looks.”

  “What’s he doing in the city? Are bosses allowed to leave their lair?”

  “Who is that traveling with him? Is that one of the side bosses that was mentioned on the forum?”

  They rattled on, one after the other, as Darwin looked around him for an exit. Given that this was a city and not a dungeon, the type of people who would usually congregate here weren’t the same ones that would spend their lives leveling in dungeons. They probably weren’t either as strong or high-leveled as the players he fought earlier, but there was an almost endless number of them eyeing him up for the chance to zerg him.

  “Can we . . . Can we try to kill him here?” The rambling crowd stopped as the natural conclusion of their thoughts was voiced aloud by someone among them.

  “Darwin, I don’t know what you’re going to do, but we better do it
fast. If we run down that alley to the left and jump a few buildings, we might be able to make it over the wall before the fighting gets too heavy, but . . .”

  “But there is no guarantee?” Darwin found himself grinning, licking his canines. Hunger wasn’t even close to setting in, and no-one here looked like they were a challenge, but he had an idea that just sounded fun in his head. Why not, eh? He giggled to himself before bellowing out a menacing laughter that reverberated off the walls.

  “What are you doing, Darwin?” Kitchens asked, his feet shuffling backwards towards the alley he had mentioned earlier.

  “What am I doing?” Darwin looked at Kitchens and then at the crowd of players and NPCs that was gathering around him. “That’s what I was wondering. What am I doing!? I’ve been lied to, swindled of my precious time with a wasted trip. I heard this was the greatest city in the lands to begin my journey towards world domination! That I could find an army here! Men and women who would fight with me for gold, riches, glory and power! People who would forsake their country for the chance to ride dragons into battle and scour the land with death and destruction! And what do I find here? Cowards. Weaklings not even strong enough to sweep away the good-for-nothing, holier-than-thou, peasant rabble that bangs helplessly on my door waiting for death.

  Look at them, claiming they want to kill us, surrounding us by the hundreds but not daring to step forward and meet the slick sickle of death that awaits!” Darwin was having too much fun with himself as he did his best to imitate the trite and redundant speeches of the villains he knew and loved from the games he once played. He had brandished his flaming zweihander and was swinging it around with every line to emphasize his points. Everyone wants to be the bad guy. Everyone wants to burn the world at least once, he mused to himself, watching the crowd grow. You just have to make it worth their while. “Do you see even one soul worthy of casting off his mortal coil and joining the ranks of the Demons? Is there even a single man brave enough to face the tribulations that come with the quest for glory?”

  Kitchens, sporting a stern look that was just as fake as Darwin’s impromptu speech, shook his head. “I see not a single one, Great Lord Darwin.” Kitchens was doing a superb job at imitating Alex with his formal speech and tone. “It seems that the saddles of our Blue-Drakes will stay empty for yet another year, and we will be forced to keep the honor of conquest to ourselves.”

  Darwin smiled--Kitchens had caught on to his plan. Daniel might be trying the forum, but this might be even faster. It all hinged on just one, gullible, desperate, role-playing player to make his move.

  “Lord! I will ride the Bl--” A player, one of the dogmen, managed to get out before being cut short. He had quickly sheathed his sword and thrown his shield over his back as he dashed towards Kitchens and Darwin, but he was also stopped instantly by Kitchens, who intercepted him so quickly it seemed like he teleported to the man and that his katana had simply appeared at the man’s neck.

  “Lord? Even I, the Great Lord Darwin’s most trusted blade, do not forget his full title. If you wish to speak to the master, you had better remember your manners!” Kitchens shouted so that everyone could hear.

  Darwin was doing his best not to burst out laughing as he heard Kitchens lay it on thick.

  “Ah . . . I’m . . . I’m sorry. I mean,” --he tried to look past Kitchens at Darwin himself-- “that is, Great Lord Darwin! I wish to join your army! I too wish to ride the Blue-Drakes into battle with you!”

  Darwin walked over to the man and made a point of taking his time to eye the mutt up and down. “You wish to ride with us, but are you worthy? Do you have what it takes? Are you going to prove yourself with strength or with weapons that mask your weakness?”

  “Strength, s-- I mean, Great Lord Darwin” The mutt was stuttering as Kitchens kept his katana’s edge barely a quarter of an inch away from the man’s throat.

  “Are you willing to cast aside your weapons, your armor, your family, your guild and your people to become one of us? To pave a road of corpses that you might walk upon to join us? To become one of the great Demons that decimated the White-Wings’ fleet and the Panda King’s hordes and tamed the dragons of Lawlheima to make our mark upon the land?” As Darwin continued his boisterous recruitment speech, he already knew the man would say yes, but he needed to lay it on thick and loud for everyone else who was listening. He knew from his experience in other guilds that, the second he left, the forums would be alive with chatter. If he played his part well and executed his theatrics properly, everyone would know about the offer he was making by the end of the night.

  “Yes, Great Lord Darwin! I am!” the Canine shouted with confidence.

  “Then do so. Strip yourself of weapons and armor. Make the journey to Mt. Lawlheima, and tell the War General Alex that you wish to become a Demon, to become the tip of the sword that will stab the heavens and slay the world! If you do this, you will be granted a position among us. Indeed, if you pass his test, you will be granted a position among the Blue-Drake Riders!” Darwin thrust out his own sword in the man’s direction, but his blade stayed several feet away from him. “Lower your weapon,” Darwin said to Kitchens. “This brave man has a long journey ahead of him--the road to riches, glory and victory--should he choose to take it. As for the rest of this lot,” --Darwin waved his blade in a circle, making sure to keep the point eye-level with the crowd as if he were singling out each and every one of the now two hundred plus listeners around him-- “I don’t see anyone else brave enough or hungry enough for power to join us at Mt. Lawlheima. Let’s go.”

  “Great Lord Darwin!” not one, but several people called out, although none entered the ring of empty space that had formed around Darwin. “We too wish to join you!”

  “Me too, Great Lord Darwin!” some others stacked on their requests.

  “I see. Kitchens, am I wrong? Are there others worthy of our cause? Are there others who wish to unite the world under one banner?” Darwin asked, staring into the crowd.

  “Perhaps they should all be given the chance to test their metal and show their valor?” Kitchens said, sheathing his sword.

  “Then I will give them all the same chance that I gave this man.” Darwin smacked the back of the Canine who had first volunteered so hard it knocked him forward, and he almost face planted into the ground. It was on purpose though. He needed to exaggerate his standing and his strength for this ploy to properly carry its weight. “Any man that comes to Mt. Lawlheima and shows himself before the War General Alex without guild, weapon, armor or the vestiges of his past shall be granted the chance for a great and mighty future as one of the chosen!”

  “Is it wise to give so many of the riff raff a chance to share in our riches?” Kitchens asked, his voice dripping with anything but true sincerity.

  “Of course it is! It is the heavens that decide a man’s fate and choose his destiny the moment he is born. That is the duty of heaven, and it is our duty as the foil of heaven to undo this forced path and offer mankind opportunity! We will give them a chance that no man or woman has ever had before!” Darwin shouted. “Come tonight, those who are brave. For now, we’ve said what we needed, Kitchens. Let’s be off. For the next time we visit this city, it may be the last day this city isn’t ours!”

  With that, Darwin used every ounce of his strength and speed to push off the ground and into the air, running across the roofs of the town as if he were part cheetah, part parkour master. He had to beat anyone who might go straight there from arriving before he could explain everything to Alex and the rest of them. He had to make sure this plan went off without a hitch. He couldn’t let Eve win. Of course, to her, this was probably just all part of Stephanie’s plan.

  Kitchens, who had taken off with Darwin the second he bounded up onto the rooftops, struck up a conversation as they leapt from building to building. “So, if this guild idea fails, I imagine that we can always find work with an acting troupe,” he teased.

  “Hey, did you have a better idea?”
Darwin laughed, still remembering the faces of the players who had watched their performance. He could only imagine how frustrated players on the other side of the continent must be, watching one ‘game event’ after another occurring so far across the world they’d have to give up leveling for a couple of days just to reach it.

  “I was still ready for the runaway plan,” Kitchens admitted with a shrug. “Running away as fast as you can has served a lot of good men very well.”

  “Everyone with half a brain is always ready for that plan,” Darwin agreed. “I just figured I’d wing it. You don’t have any complaints, do you? You seemed to play along pretty well.”

  “Of course I played along. It was fun to watch too. But I do have a question: Why are you having them show up at Mt. Lawlheima unarmored and without weapons? Hoping to see what some of the female players look like without clothes?” The way Kitchens asked it reminded Darwin of Daniel for some reason.

  “No, I just don’t want to deal with someone taking the offer just so they can get close enough to us to stab us. The quest was only given out to guild leaders, right? So if they are in our guild, then they can’t be completing that quest on behalf of another guild. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. Maybe the game has a mechanism to prevent guild members from killing guild NPCs.” Darwin turned to Kitchens slightly and shrugged. They had both made it past the outer wall and were running side by side back through the forest outside the town. “Either way, we’re better off if they don’t have access to a dagger when they are inches away from Alex--especially with how he has been talking about players lately.”

  “Not a bad idea, not a bad idea. You’re getting rather good at this leadership on the fly thing, Darwin,” Kitchens complemented him as the two continued running.

  “Let’s hope so, and let’s hope it’s enough.” Darwin gave a rather weak smile.

  “You know that you’re going to have to come up with devilish plans and evil schemes to keep the player base you’re recruiting though, right? I mean, they are going to expect you to sack cities and burn players to cinders. They’re going to be joining for blood, and you don’t want to be the monarch who buys mercenaries but doesn’t pay them. It never turns out well for that prince.”