The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3

by Charles Dean

  Stephanie: A fellow gamer and the boss of a dungeon, she abandoned her post to chase after and be with Darwin.

  Alex: Once just a simple scout, Alex is now the lead representative for the people of Valcrest. He commands the troops of the StormGuard Alliance in Darwin’s absence.

  Kass: The daughter of Robert, one of the lead designers of Tiqpa, and an avid gamer herself. She is currently trying to be the highest level Frost Mage in the game and is using Darwin to get there.

  Robert: Lead programmer of Tiqpa and father of Kass. Currently investigating the bathrobe knight who has upset the balance of a game he spent years making.

  Valerie: A disabled girl who uses Tiqpa to experience the sensation of being able to move all of her limbs again. She gets wrapped up in the game, even romancing an NPC shortly before he dies and she finds out that her faction has turned against her. She escapes with her friends, Daniel and Mclean, to join Darwin in the middle of the White-Wing beach battle.

  Daniel: One of the two close friends who joined Valerie when she achieved a high enough rank to assign quests for the White-Wings. He, along with Valerie and Mclean, joins the StormGuard Alliance after the White-Wing beach battle.

  Mclean: One of the two close friends who joined Valerie when she achieved a high enough rank to assign quests for the White-Wings. She, along with Valerie and Daniel, joins the StormGuard Alliance in the middle of the White-Wing beach battle.

  Eve: Claiming to be Darwin’s sister, this mysterious figure leads him to discover the creation stone needed to convert the people of Valcrest into Demons. Later she is seen traveling alongside Qasin, claiming that her goal is to reach and rescue her brother.

  Gary: Robert’s coworker and Tiqpa design team leader. The only thing worse than his choice in clothes is his uncomfortable insistence on bad jokes and inappropriate comments.

  Qasin: From soldier to King, the great warrior freed himself of his political chains and carved the three factions of Noob Island into one great empire. After he had conquered the land though, he left the island and his faction behind to accompany Eve on her quest to rescue her brother.

  Pets:

  Jim: This supposed ‘dog’ owned by Kerrigan may sound lovable, but be careful. The second you come over, he’ll rush. You’ll lose all your mineral far . . . wait. Never mind. You’ll just get a bunch of that annoying hair all over your black slacks.

  Fuzzy Wuzzy: Some people like dogs, some people like cats, but both Darwin and Kass seemed to have gotten attached to this future rug of an in law. Between the soft fur and the oddly unexpected sense of humor for both an NPC and an animal, this bear has grown into quite the lovable fur ball.

  Inventory of Items:

  Burny’s Ironic Blade: This ice covered blade is often preferred, unironically, in cold zones and mountains. Many coffeeshop dwellers seek it for its name, the rest pursue it for its surprising ability to burn enemies alive, despite its cold visage. May have been forged from an anti-griddle.

  Stats: 50 Damage, +200 additional fire damage. Burns target for 25 damage per second (stacks up to 5 times). +15 speed.

  Burriza’s Blade: What does a Polar Bear have to do with a sword? Who knows, but when you see how well it turned out, who cares?

  Stats: 215 Damage, +10 Power

  Captain’s Emblem: A symbol of power can be more than just a symbol if it carries with it the trust and hopes of those who give it meaning.

  Stats: When carried, raises the level of all NPCs commanded by +5; All nearby allied players and NPCs will receive +5% to all stats.

  Captain’s Ring: Often those who receive this item complain that it isn’t powerful enough. It doesn’t have enough stats. That’s because they don’t understand that its only limit is the strength of those who follow its wearer.

  Stats: +10 Power, +1% increased Power and Speed for all allied party members.

  Crown of the Ice Queen: Flung away by a princess in a musical number that defined the entire movie, this long lost diadem was somehow recovered and sold by a rather shady individual. Even the Ice Queen has to let her hair down sometimes, although by now I’m pretty sure she’s sorry she ever let it go.

  Stats: +30 Spirit, +30 Concentration, +5% Damage to cold based spells.

  Restriction: Frost Mage only.

  Dragon’s Final Hymn: A dragon may die, but his flames never perish. The same is also what was said about Sir Frank Fluffabuff and his trusty zweihander. This is why, long after the knight had been eaten while holding the sword, the dragon died with the undigested blade still inside him. After the knight and the dragon had faded into oblivion, the two unyielding forces of fire and blade still stuck around--and stuck to each other.

  Stats: 485 Damage, +30 Power, +20 Speed, +10% Fire Resistance, Damage is halved when dual wielding.

  Dragon’s Tear: Proving that there is at least some value in making someone cry, the Dragon’s Tears sometimes harden into beautiful jewelry with magical powers. At other times, they just ruin the shoulder of someone’s shirt.

  Stats: +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration.

  Double-Bladed Axe: If Wrigley’s Spearmint gum has taught us anything, it’s that it’s perfectly okay to double your pleasure and double the fun, and nothing says twice as much fun as an extra blade on an axe.

  Stats: 135 Damage.

  Dull Iron Axe: Sometimes, you have to make do with what you have. After all, a giant axe to an enemy’s face is better than nothing, right?

  Stats: 98 Damage.

  Enchanted Bathrobe of Valcrest: Special times call for special measures. When armor is too heavy, clothes take too long to put on and you’re expecting company, the bathrobe is the right special measure needed. This one just comes fully decked out. Ramen not included.

  Stats: +15 to Power, +15 Speed, +15 Vitality, reduces incoming Damage from all sources by 10%, +35 Damage when wielding Spoons, +10 damage versus French Onion Soup

  Golden Creation Stone: Ever wanted to pose yourself as the titular head of a demonic host? Look no further! Ideas take many shapes and forms, but at the end of the day, it's always the gold that unifies people. Proof positive that if you put a bunch of people in a dungeon together and get stoned, you'll all eventually end up with red eyes one way or another.

  Slippers of +10 Face Smashing: It’s tennis shoes for running, black dress shoes for fancy events, and slippers for face smashing. Never question a man in a bathrobe when his slippers are red.

  Stats: +10 to comfy walking, +10 to Face Smashing, -10 to fashion.

  Ring of the Ice Queen: No one is sure if they called her the Ice Queen because she was as frigid as a winter’s storm when it came to dating, or if it was because of her profound affinity for summoning a winter’s storm. Either way, one can be certain that the ring’s power is authentic and came directly from the Ice Queen herself, after all, what guy would offer her a ring? Regardless, the ring was aptly named and has served many Mages since.

  Stats: +10 Vitality, +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration.

  Restriction: Frost Mage only.

  Ring of the Unkept Promise: Some items are just mysterious with backstories you only hear about way after they would have been helpful, never at all, or right when you’re in the middle of something important and you can’t pause. Sometimes, you just keep spamming the “skip text” button and never bother to find out. It’s like these things were added to the game by a developer who was going for the ‘shady foreshadowing with intriguing items’ effect but didn’t feel like fleshing it out.

  Stats: +30 Power, +30 Speed, -10 Vitality, +5% stats to the wearer of Ring of Broken Vows when in range.

  Ring of Broken Vows: This is also one of those items.

  Stats: +30 power, +30 speed, -10 vitality, +5% stats to the wearer of Ring of the Unkept Promise when in range.

  Ring of Power: It’s too bad an item with the name like Ring of Power isn’t better than it is.

  Stats: +10 Power, +10 Speed, +10 Vitality.

  Sapphire Spell Staff: Pretty when new, pretty wh
en blue. With an intricate blue sapphire beautifully adorning a dark wooden staff, this is just as much a decorative accessory as it is a weapon.

  Stats: +15 Spirit, +10 Concentration.

  Staff of the Ice Queen: The Ice Queen wasn’t just about blue gems, she was also about blue staves.

  Stats: +65 Spirit, +60 Concentration, + 20 Vitality.

  Restriction: Frost Mage only.

  Sunny’s Son: A sunny disposition can burn away the blues. This belt helps prevent a bad day once per minute. Unfortunately for the one who first wore it, a bad day can strike multiple times a second.

  Stats: Stops one attack from successfully landing once every minute.

  Training Spoons: Because sometimes training is necessary before spooning, or else you’ll wind up without feeling in your arm, a mouth full of hair and an angry spouse.

  Stats: 0 damage, +10 to judgmental looks.

  Winter’s Ethic: The youth of most countries can escape winter, ignoring the chilling winds that blow across their well-warmed domiciles. But, like clockwork, winter returns every year until, eventually, the youth has become an old man, and the once strong vitality of the early years has faded into a struggling decrepit body, that is promptly claimed by the ever patient winter. After all, even the smallest wave can wear down the rock with enough time.

  Stats: 1 Damage, Damage doubles against a target with every successful hit landed against the target. Effect is reset when target is switched.

  Places/Things/Companies/Et Cetera:

  G.O.R.N.: Gamer’s Official Review Network.

  Darwin’s Cheat Book:

  Blood Blade: Blood Blade is a Job Class that specializes in harnessing their life force and channeling it into offensive combat skills. A Blood Blade is given skills that sacrifice the user’s Health in order to deal single target or AoE Damage. The Blood Blade is also given the ability to harness and use blood as a weapon during combat.

  Broken hearts make for smaller bites.: (Passive) It’s not always good looks that leave a heart broken in two. Sometimes it’s just a well-placed blade--which is perfect because the heart is much easier to chew in small pieces. Each kill of the opposite gender heals user for 25% of max health.

  Cheap Dining and Quick Eats: (Passive) Consuming the flesh or blood of players during combat will restore 25% of missing health and boost damage by 5% (fades after 300 seconds out of combat, damage bonus does not stack).

  Demonic Command: May recruit fatally wounded monster NPCs (may only recruit monsters of or below the user’s level. The number that can be recruited is dependent on the Rank of the user).

  Dread Commander: Soul Knight faction leader bonus skill tree.

  Hunger: (Passive) Hunger causes the Soul Fiend to lose 1 soul charge for every five minutes he is out of combat. If the Soul Fiend has no soul charges to be consumed, then the Soul Fiend will begin to lose hit points at a rate of 1% every hour. Magic, items and natural health regeneration can not restore hit points lost as a direct result of Hunger. Consumption of a soul charge will restore all hit points lost from Hunger. Fatal Damage received by Hunger will not trigger the activation of Soul Devourer.

  Ketchup is a vegetable!: (Passive) Heal 1% life every 3 seconds blood splatter is on you during combat. If you can’t find the right nutrition for your meal, just pretend like ketchup is a vegetable. My school did.

  Knock off the horns, brush off the hair, and run it through the kitchen!: (Passive) +10% to flat elemental resistance. +10% additional resistance to fire magic. Extra crispy is only good for chicken fingers, not a good slab of beef. Make sure to always order your steaks rare or don’t even bother.

  Soul Collector: (Passive) Allows the user to hold up to 50 soul charges.

  Once upgraded, this skill allows the user to carry (Level + 10) souls.

  Soul Devourer: Temporarily consume all soul charges to fully restore hit points. Grants user +50% all stats for (number of souls * 5) seconds. This skill will automatically activate upon receiving a fatal blow. May only be used once per hour. Soul Devourer is the upgraded version of Soul Eater.

  Soul Eater: Temporarily consume all soul charges (a minimum of 30 soul charges required) to fully restore hit points. Grants user +25% all stats for 180 seconds. May only be used once per hour.

  Soul Fiend: Soul Fiend is a Job Class that feeds off the essence of souls harvested during battle. They are granted special skills and passive abilities that buff and enhance them during combat. The more enemies that are killed by a Soul Fiend during battle, the stronger the Soul Fiend will become. A Soul Fiend also receives a boost to the skills Soul Eater and Soul Collector.

  Soul Forge: May use soul charges to level NPCs (requires number of new level in soul charges; for example: To level an NPC from 29 to 30 it will require 30 soul charges). Requires physical contact or altar contact to use.

  Soul Sever: (Passive) Killing enemies grants one charge. Killing enemy players grants ten charges. If an enemy player is killed, the enemy player will lose one level.

  Spirit Siphoner: Spirit Siphoner is a Job Class that specializes in stealing and manipulating the enemy’s spirit. This can take the form of draining an enemy’s life or even converting an enemy before a fatal blow has been dealt. A Spirit Siphoner also receives a boost to the skills Soul Sever and Soul Collector.

  Soul Knight: Darwin’s 2nd-tier Base Class. Though the name is misleading, this particular class has nothing to do with dance specialists or southern cooking.

  The Five Second Rule!: (Passive) After killing an enemy, restore 50% of all damage the enemy inflicted in the five seconds prior to his death.

  With a Cherry on Top: Ever had an ice cream sundae without the cherry on top? Nope? Then why start now? Each kill yields one additional soul charge and a 1% damage bonus (fades after 300 seconds out of combat).

  Gaming Terms:

  Aggro: The proclivity of a monster or NPC to attack a player or another creature. Often used within the phrase ‘draw aggro,’ which basically means to get a monster’s attention or force it to attack a certain target.

  AOE: Area of Effect. This term refers to skills that affect multiple targets simultaneously, whether friendly or not. Typically, the particular skill being used determines the range of affected targets.

  Buff: To increase or augment the abilities of another player or character in a game. When someone “buffs” another person, they’re making them better at their job.

  Drive: (as in VR drive) The device used to access a virtual reality world.

  EXP: Experience. Gained from killing monsters, completing quests and assisting other players. Necessary for increasing one’s level within the game.

  LOS: Line of sight. You can’t attack what you can’t see.

  Nerf: A dreaded term for many avid gamers, this is the word used to describe when a game manufacturer makes a class less potent in its field.

  NPC: Non-Playable Character. Characters within games that are controlled by the computer (artificial intelligence).

  PK (RPK): This term can be used interchangeably as either a noun or a verb. Thanks, 1337 sp34k. As a noun, it refers to a player killer, someone who participates in actively killing other players. As a verb, it means ‘to have been killed by another player.’

  RPG: Role Playing Game. Often used as MMORPG.

  VR: Virtual Reality.

  MMO: Massive Multiplayer Online (game).

  Boss Book:

  Burriza: There is nothing more vicious and ruthless than a Polar Bear in its natural habitat, a good reason many similarly-natured companies try to associate with them. Burriza is the one exception, for while he is a powerful opponent, he prefers it be in poker and not combat. Burriza is one of the few bosses that will not tolerate sycophants, but mainly just because they make great liars and subsequently better poker players.

  Strengths: Straight flush, deuces, accounting, drinking cola.

  Weaknesses: Global warming.

  Dark Hydra: No-one can ever be certain how many heads a Hydra starts with
, but they can be sure of how many are left when the Hydra eats them. In this case, the last victim of the Dark Hydra tried to fight off seven heads that independently chomped, bit and breathed their way to victory. Poor soul.

  Strengths: Immunity to doctor bills.

  Weaknesses: Grocery bills, dentist bills.

  Rabbistro: ‘Well-mannered,’ ‘well-dressed’ and ‘well-tempered’ are three compliments Rabbistro likes to earn. But never should someone ask for rabbit stew or insult his suit, for if they do, the eight-foot rabbit will literally grow with rage and devour his offender.

  Strengths: Cooking.

  Weaknesses: Lucky feet, tardiness, disappearing cats.

  Nap Dragon: Few dragons ever grow as big as the Nap Dragon. It’s not that they can’t reach that size; it’s that they often die before they do. Never wasting time with loot, sacking villages, or chasing down and kidnapping brides, the Nap Dragon rarely, if ever, draws any attention to itself. Year after year, snacking away on the Blue-Drakes in his own little dungeon, the Nap Dragon is free from any competition or natural predator--except the sandman, of course. Sometimes, especially for dragons, it just pays to be lazy.