“Yes,” they chorused.
“Okay. Why don’t you take some time to discuss the candidates while I put together some snacks?”
For the next hour and a half, fortified by sandwiches and sodas, they did just that, poring over the dossiers, photos, and social worker reports, debating the advantages and the disadvantages of each person. Finally, they all agreed they were ready to vote.
“Right,” said Mrs. Martin. “Let’s start with Kevin’s people—David and Beth. A show of hands in favor?”
All four hands shot up. “Okay, David and Beth from Kelowna are in. What about Sawyer’s single mom—Maria from Calgary?”
Three hands shot up.
“Against?”
Kevin raised his hand. “She sounds really nice and stable, and I think she could provide a good home for the baby, but I think it’s better for a kid to grow up with a dad.”
Jack scowled. “Ha. I don’t know how you can say that after seeing my father in action!”
Kevin shrugged. “Maybe you’d feel differently if you’d had the chance to see my dad in action,” he responded.
Mrs. Martin interrupted. “Sorry, Jack. It’s three to one, so Maria is in. Now what about Jack’s Michelle and Winston, the bilingual couple from Vancouver?”
Jack raised his hand, followed by Kevin. “That’s two for. Against?”
Sawyer and Francis raised their hands.
“We have a tie.” Mrs. Martin frowned. “So I guess it’s up to me, if everyone agrees?”
They did, sitting on the edge of their seats while Mrs. Martin reviewed the files. At last she spoke. “Sorry, Sawyer, but I agree with Jack and Kevin on this one—they do live a little too close and the risk of running into them is very real. Nonetheless, I’d like to meet them.”
Jack’s face lit up. “So my couple is in?”
“Yes, even though they are geographically compromised. So finally we have Francis’s couple with the little girl. For?”
Francis, Jack, and Kevin raised their hands. “Against? Sorry, Sawyer, but you are outnumbered. That’s it, then. I’ll contact Ms. Yeung and she’ll book the interviews. The sooner the better.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” Sawyer stood up and stretched. “I’m going to feel a lot better when I know who will be parenting my baby.”
“Our baby,” Francis corrected.
“Wow,” Sawyer exclaimed. “You’ve come a long way!” She shot him a brilliant smile. For the first time in weeks, Francis felt happy.
Chapter Sixteen
In the eighth month, your baby is about 18 inches (45 cm) long and weighs 5 pounds (2 to 2.5 kg). Your baby’s kicks are strong and you may be able to see the outline of a small heel or elbow pressed against your abdomen.
Excerpt: From Conception to Birth
The Phoenix representative, Ms. Yeung, successfully arranged for all of the prospective parents to be in Vancouver for the interviews during the first weekend in April.
At first Sawyer was crestfallen. “That’s three weeks away,” she groaned. “I’ll be huge!”
“The time will pass quickly,” Jack assured her. “Between school and other activities, it’ll fly by.”
And it did, but not without challenges. Now into her eighth month, Sawyer could no longer disguise her growing belly. She’d popped. Her pregnancy was no longer a secret. The kids at her school had started to give her curious looks. Sometimes she heard them whispering about her, or they’d stop talking when she entered the room. She knew she’d have to do something about that—and soon.
One afternoon, when she and Jack were sitting on the couch doing their homework, the baby kicked. Sawyer laughed and Jack eyed her with a raised brow. “What?” he asked, throwing down his pen. “It’s impossible to concentrate.”
“The baby is really active today,” she explained.
“Do you mind?” Jack put his hand on her tummy.
Sawyer smiled. “No, but she doesn’t kick on command. You might have to wait forever.”
“I’ve got time,” Jack said, but the words were hardly out of his mouth when the baby kicked again, hard. “Wow!” Jack exclaimed. “That is so cool.”
Sawyer pushed his hand away. She burst into tears. “I’m afraid of so many things,” she cried.
Jack looked at her in astonishment. She’d always been the strong one. She’d always been his rock. He reached out and took her hand, his eyes glued to hers. “What are you afraid of?” he asked softly. “Tell me.” He pushed a strand of hair from her cheek and handed her a tissue. “But first blow your nose and take a few deep breaths. I know this is hard.”
Sawyer took the tissue. “Thanks,” she said, sniffling. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Well, seeing as I’m still living on your couch,” Jack said, laughing, “I guess you could say that the feeling is mutual. Now, what’s bothering you?”
She hesitated, taking a deep breath. “What if I can’t do this? What if it hurts too much? What if the baby hates her new family and then hates me her whole life?” Once again her eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t expect to feel so guilty. And I hate the way the kids at school stare at me when they think I won’t notice.”
“Whew,” Jack said, pulling her into his arms. “That’s a lot of shit, but I think I can help you out. You can do this. I know you can, and there are drugs that you can take during childbirth that will make it easier. Trust me, I’ve been reading up on the whole thing. It’s going to be hard for you, harder for you than anyone, to give the baby to a new family, but she will love you for it. She will understand. Don’t feel guilty about doing the right thing.”
“Okay.” Sawyer sniffled again. “Okay. But sometimes it’s hard to remember I’m doing the right thing.”
Jack kissed her on the forehead. “It’s funny. We all thought you were cool with the kids at school. You hide your real feelings pretty well. You should talk to someone, a teacher you can trust. Hold your head high, because you are doing the right thing.”
Sawyer blew her nose. “Easy for you to say.”
Jack kept his voice level. “No. You’re wrong. It’s not easy for me to say, and it’s been even harder for me to do. I’m gay, Sawyer. Remember? Coming out was a nightmare. But it felt good too, no more hiding. No more pretences. But don’t kid yourself; I’ve been bullied and mocked and beaten up,” he said. “Even by my own dad.”
His voice trembled slightly. “When I think that my dad disowned me, it kills me, but I’ve never once doubted my choice.”
“And you shouldn’t,” Sawyer said.
Jack smiled. “It’s no different for you, Sawyer. Now you have to be strong. There’s no hiding the fact that there’s a kid growing inside of you, so do the right thing. It’s one sure way of finding out who your real friends are.”
Of course he was right. She put her arms around his neck and hugged him. “Thank you, Jack.”
• • •
Instead of her usual oversized shirt, Sawyer dressed for school the next day in a pretty purple shirt that hugged her belly. When her classmates and other kids in the school saw her bump, some tittered, some made rude remarks, while others turned away, embarrassed. It hurt a bit, but she tried hard to ignore them and concentrate on her work. At break, she waited until all the students had left the room, then approached Miss Addison. “There’s something I have to tell you,” she said. “I mean, obviously I’m pregnant, but I want to talk about it—like be open and everything.”
“I’d hoped you’d talk to me.” Miss Addison got up and closed the classroom door. “You’ve been putting up with the reactions of your classmates, but by confiding in me, I think I can take advantage of what we call teachable moments.”
“I’d feel better if we could talk about it openly,” Sawyer confessed. “I’m tired of kids staring at me as if I’m some kind of circus act.”<
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“Actually, they’re just curious, but I can see how it might feel that way. Many of them think that what you’re doing is pretty amazing.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Miss Addison reassured her. “You’re not the first young girl to get pregnant. Sadly, you won’t be the last. Thank you for trusting me, Sawyer. Now, with your permission, I’ll talk to your other teachers and to the students in this class. Don’t worry; when I’m finished with them, they will have nothing but admiration for you. I hope they’ll learn how to avoid finding themselves in a similar situation too. You’re a brave girl, and you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Hold your head high, and nobody will question you. If they do, be honest.”
Not trusting herself to speak, Sawyer simply nodded. She’d been so nervous about approaching Miss Addison, but Jack had been right. She hadn’t realized that her teacher saw her as a brave girl and not a fool.
• • •
A week before the parent interviews, Francis turned sixteen. On the same day, he successfully passed his driving test, earning his learner’s license.
“I guess if I can trust you behind the wheel,” his dad joked, “you’re old enough to drive this fixer-upper.” He presented Francis with the keys to a little gray four-door Toyota station wagon, while his mother snapped pictures and his brothers circled him in excitement, demanding rides. “It’s not new, just about ten years old,” his dad explained. I’ve been working on it off and on with Ted.” Ted, Francis knew, was one of his dad’s pilot friends and he was handy with wrenches.
“Thanks, you guys. I never expected this!”
“Let’s go.” Nate grabbed Francis’s hand.
Francis picked up his little brother and swung him through the air. “I’ve only got my learner’s so I can’t drive you guys. Only family members twenty-five and over with a valid driver’s license.”
“We won’t tell anyone,” Devon protested.
“Because there will be nothing to tell,” their mother announced, shooing them into the house. “Now, it’s time for cake. Maybe Francis will let you help him to blow out the candles.”
That afternoon, Francis met Kevin and Jack at the movie theater, where they filled themselves with popcorn and soda before heading out for ice cream after the show. It all feels so normal, Francis thought, and he wished it could last forever. But how could it, when he knew that, within weeks, he would be a dad? Not a real dad, he corrected himself, but a dad, nonetheless.
Jack noticed his sudden withdrawal and elbowed him in the ribs. “Hey, what’s up? You’re suddenly awfully quiet.”
Francis smiled faintly. “I’m so damn freaked out about this whole father thing. I can’t get my head around it. Sometimes it feels like I’ve fucked up so badly…”
“Think of it this way,” Jack suggested. “We’re all dads to this kid in a way, sharing the load.”
“Yeah, I guess. Thanks, Jack.” Still, Francis knew that it would be him, not his friends, who might have to face this child one day. It would be Francis, not Jack or Kevin, who would have to explain why he’d chosen to say good-bye to London.
The next morning, Francis’s father suggested a drive. Francis readily agreed. He needed a distraction, something to take his mind off Sawyer and the baby. Climbing into the driver’s seat, his mind was miles away when he pushed the car into reverse and began to back up.
“Stop!” his dad bellowed.
“Shit!” Francis slammed on the brakes.
“You didn’t do a shoulder check or look in your mirrors. The boys’ bikes are behind the car, but it could have been one of them!”
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“Are you okay, Francis? You seem preoccupied.”
“I’m fine,” Francis lied.
His dad’s eyebrows lifted. “Want to talk about it—after you move the bikes and reverse out of here safely?”
He did as instructed without incident, and they set off down the quiet side streets. At first Francis focused solely on driving, but as he relaxed, he felt the need to talk. “It’s nothing really. Only that, what if the baby looks me up when I’m old? What am I supposed to tell her?”
“Ah…it’s a good question. You might want to consider writing a letter to London. She’ll read it one day, and I know it will mean a lot to her. I wish your brothers had one to look forward to, but, of course, their birth parents are gone.”
“We’ve already agreed that I’m going to write to her every year on her birthday; both Sawyer and I are.”
“I know, and I think it’s a good idea, but this one will be special. Make it a letter she can’t open until she’s eighteen. And for god’s sake, keep your eyes on the road while we’re talking.”
“Okay. That way she’ll have the answers to her questions as soon as she needs them.”
“And she can decide in her own time if she wants to contact you or not, but at least she’ll know she was loved from the very start. Sometimes that is enough.”
When Francis told Sawyer what his dad had advised, she loved the idea so much that she decided to do the same. “And let’s include photos of ourselves, so she knows what we looked like. Sort of like a time capsule for her when she is close to our age.” Mrs. Martin even said she’d like to include a note.
“My dad left me a video. Well, actually, he left me five…” Kevin gulped when Francis told him about their plans. He looked away at an invisible spot on the ground. “One for my high-school grad, one for my university grad, one for when I get married, one for my first child, and one to watch when I get to be forty-five—his age when he died.”
“Wow.” Jack’s eyes widened. “I know your dad’s gone, Kevin, but I’d take a week with a man like that over a lifetime with the asshole who fathered me. Don’t ever forget that. After all, you saw him in action. That’s amazing.”
Kevin smiled. “He was a good guy, wasn’t he, Francis?”
“The best. The kind of dad we want for London. He’ll be on my mind when I’m listening to our prospects.”
• • •
Sawyer’s once-flat stomach boasted a respectably sized baby bump now, and as a result of her constant checkups, vitamins, and better diet, her face had filled out. Francis thought she looked radiant. Obviously she felt a lot better too. No more eating at Joe’s convenience store. The morning sickness that had plagued her for the first months of her pregnancy had long since disappeared.
Francis admired the way she continued in school, keeping her top-of-the-class marks. He didn’t know she’d been afraid to talk about the baby to her classmates, and he thought it was pretty radical when she started updating her Facebook status about London’s growth on a weekly basis.
“I could never do that,” he confessed as they sat talking in her apartment. “I never speak about it with my friends at school, even though I think they all know.”
“It’s not so bad,” she told him. “And impossible to hide, anyway. There were a few bitchy comments when they first found out, and a few good ones too. Actually, the kids were pretty supportive and curious. My teacher even did a whole unit on teen pregnancy, and believe me, everyone knows everything there is to know about birth control. Nobody in my class will end up like this! In fact, most of them probably won’t have sex for eons. I wrote a piece about being pregnant. Do you want to see it? It’s short and pretty personal, but I showed my teacher and she asked if she could read it to the class. I agreed, so I guess it won’t hurt if you see it.”
“Sure, why not.” Francis took the sheet of paper and began to read.
I never meant for this to happen. When I first found out about the baby, I was so angry and upset and I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I cried myself to sleep every night for a whole month, but in the daytime, around people, I tried to pretend I didn’t really care. But I did and I still do. And some nights, I still cry mys
elf to sleep. At first I blamed my boyfriend. After all, would it have killed him to use a condom or even suggest some kind of birth control? I wanted to talk to him about it, but every time I tried, we got interrupted and then it was too late. He never talked about it, and I was mad, but then I figured out that he was just a kid, even more than I was, and I knew I could have just as easily used protection. I try not to think of the baby as my baby, because she’s not, but when she kicks, she kicks a hole right in my heart. I hope she’ll forgive me one day. I decided to give her up because I can’t look after her the way she deserves to be cared for. I hope she’ll understand. I’ve learned a few things, but the most important advice I have for you is this: It’s way easier to get pregnant than to be pregnant. It’s easier to give birth than it is to be a parent. I know lots of you are in relationships, so remember my words if you ever decide to play the odds. Even if I never see my baby after she is born, she’ll be in my heart until I die. It’s not going to be easy living like that, so learn from my mistake.
Francis finished reading and looked at Sawyer. “I know I screwed up,” he said softly. “And I never apologized properly for my part in all of this, but I am sorry.”
Sawyer’s dark eyes widened with pleasure. “Thanks. That means more than you’ll ever know. We can’t turn back the clock, but we can do the right thing now.”
Francis gulped. He found it hard to talk about his feelings, but that didn’t stop him from trying. “Sometimes I can hardly bear to think about it. I pretend I’m okay too, but I’m not really. My mom can barely look me in the eye, and my little brothers think I’m great, but I’m not. I’m a shit.”
Sawyer knew how hard admitting this was for Francis and did her best to lighten the mood. “Those fun times on the couch really messed up things, didn’t they?”
“Yeah. You can say that again.”
“But we can’t feel sorry for ourselves, Francis. We have to do the best thing for the baby, right?” She stood up and stretched her arms over her head. “No going back.”
In school, although it hadn’t been easy at first, Sawyer held her head high. She’d learned not to mind talking about the whole pregnancy experience with her classmates, and once she found her confidence, no one could take it away. She didn’t have much time left before she faced what she knew would be the most difficult and biggest hurdle in her life. She no longer feared the birth, nor did she doubt her decision. She just hoped she could be as brave as everyone thought she was when it came time to hand her baby over to its new parents. The baby had made its presence known, turning and kicking. Kevin, Jack, and Francis had felt her movements beneath their nervous hands. She affectionately referred to Baby London as The Alien.
Saying Good-bye to London Page 16