"Shut up Carrie." I say and Chad looks like he wants to hit me but he knows I don’t mean it in offense. "I don’t know how to do this shit!" I know I am whining and I should lose the man card for it.
"So step back and think. A redo. Redo what?" Noah asks.
"I don’t know. I was thinking of recreating the way it went down ya know. On my side anyway. I remember some of my moments with her like they were yesterday. Maybe I can redo them and do it right this round? I don’t know man! It's fucking lame. Why can’t she just see I was a jack ass and let me back in?"
"Because. Like she said, you have already lost. Now it's about starting it over again and doing it right." Chad, the smart mother fucker knows his shit when it comes to being a pussy for the woman he loves. He's the biggest vagina of us all and he wears the badge proudly.
“How do I do this and parent a child at the same time. I neglected Tay and what she felt for years, since the beginning. Axe was neglected by everyone until Jenny wizened up and dropped him off. It’s just unfair. I finally was ready to put in the time and stop neglecting her and I am still not giving her all of me. I can’t live without her, but I feel like I have no right to gain her trust all while hiding the fact I have a son. That and the fact I wanted to show her she would come first, always. Now I can’t make that promise and I Tayla and it’s what she needs.”
I look up when I finished talking because the room was just too silent. I see all of them looking at me with this shocked look. “What?” I ask and stand like maybe I am on fire or a fucking monster spider is crawling on me. I have no clue why they are staring at me.
“Honey, sometimes you have the ability to get so deep and make it vulnerably personal, it’s just very shocking to see how serious you get when it is personal to you.” Cassa says and hugs me close. “I think if you make it personal the way you’re thinking about it, she won’t be able to resist what is clearly a man in love."
“I agree Cal. You can do this in your sleep if you let it be personal.” Carrie says.
“And Axe in all of this? How do I get her back with my boy there all the time?” I ask knowing that no way in hell is I getting a sitter. He is so fragile right now and confused. I am like a damn bear with that kid and anything that could remotely hurt him needs to stay far the fuck away.
“You have your parents who you know you can trust Axe with and more importantly, Axe loves them. Same with us too. He loves being here and playing with Noelle and he feels comfortable here. He lets Chad and Noah and I play with him or change him if we had to. Cass and Shame are the same with him, we have all seen it. You have a ton of support Cal and so does Axe.” Carrie is a fucking saint. End of subject.
“I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you guys right now.” I say and luckily the mood is broken when in comes my boy from playing with the toys. This is a guessing game we have going that when he does this, gets in really close at my leg without touching me or uttering a word, I have to guess what his needs are. It fuels my hate for Jenny tenfold. “Hey little dude.” I say and turn on the stool and swoop him up in my arms. The only comforts I have to know he appreciates the attention are when he hugs me back. I wish he could see me as his dad. I know he is mine. I know it when I look at him I just wish he knew too.
“You’ll be fine Cal and we got you on this.” Chad says and I bend to lift Axe in my arms.
"All right then. Let the games begin." I say and Cassa and Carrie both are clapping in excitement and giddy and it elicits a bubbly giggle from Axe who in turn starts clapping along with them. They are with me in this, all of them.
Tayla
I get home and immediately remove my heels and head for the fridge to get my nightly glass of Moscato and head for the bath. I dock the demo for a new act I am going to see tomorrow night. His name is Guy Vincent and he has a voice like Ed Sheeran and the vibe of old Creed. The song starts playing and it’s like a blue print for this shit I’m dealing with between me and Cal.
His words replay in my mind on a loop and my heart is so broken it feels like he’s stomping it. I wanted to turn my back and hear him out when he called my name and begged me not to leave. I want him so desperately but I cannot be in a box. He wants to place me in this little compartment, like a toy where he can play with me when he wants, when he has time to show me he cares and then lock me back up when he needs to hide the realness.
Like he always has.
I close my eyes when the tears over run my lashes and I sink into the bubbles and sip from my wine. Jesus how did everything turn out like this? How did I lose my grasp and let business mix with pleasure? Why would I break that one rule and then fall in love with him? And I am in love, so completely, devastatingly, despairingly in love with Calvin Dorian.
I, in moments of bliss and complete girly girl, would sign my name on doodle paper as Tayla Dorian. I would think of my stomach swollen with his baby, or his house or my condo becoming ours. It’s those fantasies that destroy me now.
My phone chirps like a bird letting me know I have a new text message. Without looking at the screen I dry my hand and tap the icon on my iPhone, pausing on a gasp when I see it’s from Cal.
Cal: I remember what you wore the night I met you. That long tight black skirt with the low cut red shirt and that big black belt under your tits. You were biting your lip and strumming your fingers like you ALWAYS do when you get nervous...and your eyes baby? They watched me with fascination.
What the fuck is he getting at or trying to accomplish by reminding me what a fool I am?
I respond with blasé sarcasm.
Me: Wow! Want a medal for remembering something everyone we know probably remembers too? You signed with me that night Cal. I made you a star, of course you remember.
Thirty-eight seconds later he sends me another message.
Cal: I know you hate driving a car without a steering wheel cover. I know you love eating Orange Chicken leftovers after they cool down. Or that trident wintergreen gum is a must have, as is Burts Bee’s lip balm in pomegranate flavor. Or that you work out listening to hip hop...and Katy Perry when you’re mad at me?
Then another one.
Cal: I know you Tayla.
And? Seriously? He acts like that solves all my issues, when you could ask Carrie, Cassa, Noah, Chad or Shame and they’d know it all too.
Me: Good job stating the obvious.
I listen to Guy Vincent cry in the most beautiful way, through music and I half want him to text me back and the other half will chuck that fucking iPhone if he does it again.
When the alert chimes an hour later when I am in bed, eating cooled down orange chicken and making notes on Guy Vincent I stare at my phone not sure I should look.
Who am I kidding? I am looking.
Cal: Do you know why I kissed you that night?
That was not what I expected to see and I feel like my heart has stopped when I read it. That night...that fucking night is off limits. How dare he throw that in my face? The shame i felt in the moment he denied ever caring for me has fueld me for four months and he dares confront it. Over a fucking text no less?
Another text comes through and I am angry enough to read it prepared to laugh at whatever bullshit he tries to pull... flabbergasted by his answer.
Cal: Because I couldnt not kiss you. I regret almost everything from that night but I dont regret that kiss. That kiss is why I ran and I ran because it, you...it all culminated to the blistering fucking truth.
Me: Do tell
I wait for his text holding my breath. I can feel my pulse in my eyeballs and my face is red in equal parts love and hate.
Cal: That you mean everything to me. EVERYTHING
Tears fall from my eyes and I am not happy. Not even a little touched. He says nothing more and neither do I because if I do I will call him on his bullshit. He accused me of falling for him blindly. He pretended that he was innocent and hadn’t lead me on. He was condescending and cruel and now he has the nuts to say I mean everything
to him? Over a text?
Well too damn bad. I deserve a man to hold my hand in public and scream from the rooftops that he loves me. I don’t deserve a text message confession of things I have always known. We are pushing thirty for fucks sake, not fifteen.
The fact he even tried getting deep in a text proves he isn’t ready for what I need from him. I know he isn’t into feelings and most of the time he is all business. It was in the moments he let his guard down and allowed me to see all of him that made me fall in love with him. Those moments dictate where we go from here and no text, email or phone call will change it.
If he wants me he needs to fight for me. He said he would but so far I am unimpressed.
Broken heart 100... Cal Dorian 0.
If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Chapter Four
Tayla
I am in a rush to get to Seattle before Guy Vincent takes the stage. It is crucial to see the size of the crowd, the line if there is one and the reaction of the fans when the act takes the stage.
I am rushing now because I had to change my outfit ten times once Carrie told me that everyone was coming to A Bar Named Sue to see Guy Vincent and to hang out.
That means Cal would be there, and Sam thank fuck, but I refused to wear my work attire if Cal would be there. After his little info bomb text last night there was no way in hell I’d even attempt to look like I did that night.
My pencil skirt, heels and red blouse? They were all hanging neatly in my closet. Tonight I wore my best fitting skinny jeans that had triple white stitching and crosses with crystals and various sparkly bead work on my ass. The very same ass that Cal would bite.
I wore a long sleeved white Henley with two scarfs interlocking; one with skulls and roses on it and the other in crosses. I wore flat boots in black suede that went above my knee and my shoulder length black hair was pulled up high in a messy knot that framed my face.
Even my nails were stripped of the usual red I wore. Tonight they were black and would be from here on out. I am who I am and I make no excuses. I am heavily tattooed, short and thin with a giant chest and a curvy ass.
And I have never complained or felt less than until Cal. I always worried if my hair was done, my makeup perfect or my clothes looking fierce. It wasn’t that he judged me; no he was very open about how hot he thought I was. It was always wanting him to look at me that way that had me always checking.
He had a way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the room just as easily as he could make me feel like I was one of thousands who wanted him.
Tonight I wasn’t giving it to him.
I pull into a spot in the back of the bar and check my mirror one last time for flaws. I grab my lip balm, keys and purse and hop from the Rover, clicking the lock and waiting for the beep and flash before I make my way inside.
I look at my phone when it chirps and see that Carrie sent a text.
Carrie: We are all here and we got a booth in the front and to the left. Perfect view. Some other band is playing now and they are good. How far out are you?
I am instantly pissed. I didn’t know another band was playing tonight and it kind of screws the crowd response I need to see. I don’t text her back though since I am handing my ID to the doorman now.
I make my way to the booth and see that everyone is here indeed. It is Cassa, Carrie and Sam at the booth, and TAT is on the stage playing some bluesy rendition of Free Bird and I am stunned frozen. This is Cal’s favorite song. He said that nostalgic rock always got him going and preferred riffing to it than to current music or even the bands songs.
He always played this one for me though, and it was one of those rare Cal moments when he was bare and let me see everything. He would play this song on his acoustic and sing it, melting me every time. This song always got him laid.
I once looked up the lyrics and felt my heart sink. He only played it for me and even though I had heard it a million times I had never paid attention. Cal singing it to me was his way of telling me not to love him. Telling me he would never change. The next time he played it for me; I distracted him with my mouth and did so every time after.
The fact he was up there in a packed bar playing it with the rest of TAT including Noah was both confusing and cruel. After his everything bullshit last night he then shows up for a free impromptu concert to rub my face in his back pedal?
Oh my God. Fuck him...just fuck him.
I put a smile on my face and pretend it isn’t killing me that he’d do this and head to the table with a bottle of Bud in my hand. “Oh my God!” I say with mock enthusiasm. “How did they pull this off? And Noah too?”
Carrie and Cassa are clapping and hollering over the massive crowd. This song is very long and the solo in it is insane, for all of them but it spotlights Cal and his guitar making it impossible to not watch him own every second of being up there with his guitar in hand.
If it’s possible to hate him then I truly fucking hate him right now. I don’t let anyone see how this has shattered me as I take my seat beside Sam and snuggle up close. “Hi good lookin'.” I say and kiss his lips gently.
He knows I know he does. He knows this has ripped me into a million pieces and he places his hand in mine beneath the table and gives me a squeeze letting me know he’ll play along. He always does.
“You look fucking edible Pet.” He says and blatantly stares at me. Carrie and Cassa watch us with cutesy fascination, but also with uncomfortable silence which is broken when the song ends and everyone goes into an uproar of applause for Thick as Thieves.
“Thanks for letting us jam. Guy Vincent kicks ass, stick around and party with us.” Chad says and jumps off the stage with Cal, Noah and Shame. I feel tears in my eyes seeing them together again and in their element. Noah looks so happy right now and I know Carrie and Cassa are thinking the same thing because we are all whipping the tears from our lashes.
“Look Pet,” Sam says softly in my ear so only I can hear him. “I’ll play this however you need me to, but he is here tonight with purpose.”
“No. He may have come with a purpose but he just sang a song that told me to fuck off, so no, I won’t have it.”
Sam has a confused look on his face and leans closer. “I’m not one to play the head games, but before you got here he was talking nonstop about you. He chatted up the owner and asked if they could play around for fun and told Carrie to text you and see how far out you were because he was playing your song.” He drinks from his beer and shakes his head confused. “Not really seeing the fuck you part Pet.”
“Have you ever heard the words in that song Sam? I hadn’t either until he started to play it every time we got together. Once I heard the lyrics I caught his message.”
“Tayla you’re a smart woman but stupid as fuck too. Men are simple creatures Pet. If we find something that makes the woman we want wet and all dopey eyed? We do it and we keep doing it until it doesn’t work anymore and then we find something else to captivate you and guarantee you still let us touch your pussy. If he knew that song got you, he’ll use it to his advantage every time.”
“And the fact he knows every word of that song and that it’s one of his favorites?” I ask and I am actually considering what Sam is saying.
“Stop being so damn literal. He knows you love it. In the past he has gotten in your panties with it. Give him the smallest break Pet.”
I don’t respond because the table fills up with our boys. One by one they all kiss and say hello to me before taking their seats. Noah, Chad and Shame, but Cal just scowls at me before taking the seat directly across from me and proceeds to glare.
I pay him no mind once I give him my signature bratty eye roll before I start taking the notebook and mini DVR from my purse. I won’t let him interfere with my work. Guy Vincent deserves my undivided attention and me drooling after Cal or
second guessing every move he makes all night isn’t fair. Not to Guy and not to me and my poor mangled heart.
Cal
I see her the minute she steps through the door of the Sue, and there is no denying how fucking smart I am. I wanted to see her like this, the real Tayla that left the fucking work clothes at home. Don’t get me wrong, she is so fucking fine when she’s all business but she acts differently when she’s just Tayla, not Tayla Livingston Junior VP of Coven relations.
I want her loose, in her own skin. I know that this dude she’s here to see will be offered a contract, but within seconds from meeting this Indie star I knew he wouldn’t dig the Junior VP knows it all that she can be.
We boys got our start in little bars like the Sue. Hell we played this bar and packed the house every Wednesday night for four years. Fame doesn’t stop a guy from forgetting the little places the built us.
A Bar Named Sue was old and falling apart. The owner named the bar Sue after his wife who lost her battle to Cancer in the 1940‘s and has been carried through the family for years. They pay the acts well; keep the drinks cheap, cold and the peanut bowl full.
Small cracks that became big cracks in the vinyl seats and wobbly stools were just a few things TAT had donated, along with a new sound system and much more. The Sue needed to stay alive and with our help it would.
So guys like Guy Vincent had a chance in this cutthroat industry.
I have met Guy and heard him play a million times and because I know him I can tell him Tay is the best and he is desperate enough for the fame he’d believe me. I don’t do that though. I let Tayla sell herself because she does it with class and bad ass wreckage to her competition.
Now four months ago, I would have said “Hey yeah, Guy Vincent kicks ass. Don’t go dressing like a big corporate Diva it’ll annoy him and he won’t respect you.”
Release Me Page 4