“Hey mom, what’s the deal?” I ask and wrap my free arm around her pulling her into my side. There is nothing on this earth I won’t do to make this woman smile and seeing her with tears makes me feel like shit.
“I know you’re disappointed mom, but I am trying so hard to do right by him.” I say wishing she could see all I have done.
“Baby, I know. I am just proud of you Calvin. That’s all.” She says and kisses me on the cheek. “Now we are going to the park. We don’t need an entire package of diapers, six baggies of snacks, two outfits and lord knows all these toys. It’s the park honey.” She says handing me the bag back. She takes a few diapers and the baggie of apples and the other baggie of pretzels.
“I didn’t know what he would need.” I say somewhat bashfully.
“At some point he will need it all, but not for a few hours with grandma and grandpa.” She says and kisses me again on the cheek. “Now I do need a car seat and that stroller.” She says and makes her way to my front door.
I have her follow me to the garage where I have the stroller and car seat I bought for them to keep at their place. “I got these for you and dad to keep. I figure it’s easier than swapping back and forth.”
I install the car seat in my mom’s Jeep Compass and toss the stroller in the back. I take Axe and hold him close before putting him in his seat. “I’ll see you after six little man.” I say and kiss his head.
I watch them leave and I have about twenty minutes to hide all the kid stuff before the love of my life gets here. I want to talk to her, go to her and confess everything and I was going to tonight before I got that twisted call from Jenny. Until I have solid ground and not just threats I am not rocking the boat.
Tayla
Cal stood in the doorway of his home office watching me as I shuffled papers and attached post it notes to various areas. I refused to look up and acknowledge him because I saw enough in the fast glimpse I took when he stopped at the door. His toned arms were over his head holding on to the door frame. His simple white T-shirt rose just enough that I could see the band of his BVD boxer briefs. He was dressed in his usual basketball shorts and T shirt. His Seahawks hat was turned backwards and he was missing his shoes. There was something seriously hot about how laid back Cal looked when he was just Cal.
"So what? We gonna pretend we have nothing to talk about?"
The sound of his voice, regardless of what he was saying, always made my chest hurt. I look up at him, my mask of impassiveness set with perfection. "Is there something we need to discuss?"
He watches me closely, a sad smile on his lips. He taps the door frame and steps in. He takes a seat in front of me at his desk and suddenly the office feels cramped. "I can’t keep doing this Tay."
I watch him when he talks, he sounds defeated and when he cups his hands over his face I feel a thousand tiny pin pricks in my heart. "Do what? You got what you wanted. Freedom." I stand and gather the papers I printed and place them in my briefcase and stand looking at him. "You didn’t want what I wanted. My pride is injured." I put my sunglasses on top of my head and start toward the door, stopping to pat his shoulder in a gesture of friendship. "Give me time."
He grips my wrist but doesn’t move to stand. "What if I was wrong?"
Those words stung like a slap in the face. Yanking my hand back with force, I actually gasped at his words. "What if?"
He stood and faced me, stepping in and invading every one of my senses. I could smell his after shave, feel his heat, hear him breathing deep and saw the look of fear and passion in his eyes.
"Explain that!" I say though clenched teeth. Ugh, if my stare could kill, Cal Dorian would be ash by now.
"I’m trying to process everything Tay. I know I miss you but I have no clue how to do this and not have it blow up in our face." His words echo in the room it is that silent. I have no idea why he panics about it or if there is more I am missing. I want to remember what Noah said and that Cal has shit going on right now, but like always where he is concerned I snap.
"Do what? Fuck every fan girl out there? Force me to see it and have no opinion because it's my job to make sure you have women lined up waiting to suck your dick?" I shake my head and look over my shoulder at the door because I need to get the hell out of here.
"That’s rich!" He says snidely and oh God how dare he go there with me.
"Excuse me?"
"Don’t pretend like I have been parading around trying to mind fuck you for the last four months. Far from it. You bring Sam every time you know you’re going to see me and then eye fuck him all night while you mind fuck me. You want to hear me say I'm sorry? I fucked up? You get both now, but don’t go getting self-righteous on me because I use fangirls to forget you!" How he can say that to me and yet have a look of disgust for his actions on his face is beyond me.
I roll my eyes and laugh bitterly at that. “Well you shoved that knife in my heart the night you made love to me, kissed me and then kicked me out like I was just another pussy you took."
“I may have put the knife there Tay, but you twist it in my back every chance you get." He folds his arms in defiance and stares me down.
"Oh my God! Do you hear yourself Cal? You strung me along for years and then dropped me like I meant nothing." I now fold mine and stare back.
"So what? You go find the first guy you can rub it in my face with?" He snaps.
"Like you don’t rub it in with the fangirls?" I snap right back.
He shakes his head in defeat and lowers his voice. "Fangirls don’t want me Tay. They want my dick, my status and my money. I’m a conquest, a story to tell their sorority sisters. I see how he looks at you and it’s with genuine interest." Jesus, he sounds so certain like he knows what he says is true. It is, about the fangirls anyway. I know where Sam’s heart lies and it isn’t with me.
"Are you serious?" I shriek and turn around almost growling in frustration. "I would have given you anything Cal. I supported your career; I gave you my loyalty and my friendship...my heart. You threw me away. I waited, after Candey died and things slowed down after the funeral... I waited for you Cal and you never stepped up. I deserve to be happy."
"I'll make you happy Tayla." He says and my heart stops. I don’t know why he is suddenly seeing me now but it is long overdue and far too late. So long. I waited so long to hear this from him. even now I am elated to hear the conviction in his voice, but I'd be a fool to forgive him. I have whiplash from the back and forth with him. "You make me miserable Cal. The one time I felt true happiness with you...was minutes before you accused me of falling in love with you and that you felt nothing in return. Ten minutes of absolute happiness, before you threw me into despair."
I grabbed the briefcase and made my way towards the door. I could feel I was on the verge of tears and I refused to let him see how deep I cared.
"So much has changed and there is so much I need to tell you. I lied Tay. I lied to you that night. I was scared."
I turn and feel the tears pool but they won’t fall. "I know you did. It's why you have lost me. We are business Cal, nothing more and nothing less."
"I'll win you back Tay. I'll fight to prove myself to you."
I see in his eyes that he means it and Cal has major issues with winning. How sad for him it's too little too late. I could never take the risk of letting him back in.
"Don’t bother Cal, you lost a long time ago."
I left without turning around. He followed. He called my name a dozen or so times, but I couldn’t...I couldn’t look back.
Cal
"God dammit buddy." I say to Axe who is sitting in the back of my Jeep and looking exhausted from the trip to the park. “I can’t handle the thought of actually losing her. I just can’t. It’s a harsh reality when you realize how wrong you’ve been all along and that everyone you love and respect has been right.” I keep talking to my poor son like this and he will need therapy.
I pulled my Jeep to the gate and waited for entry. Once granted I
pulled into the circular drive of Carrie and Chad’s house and grabbed Axe.
I needed the female opinion and that was it. I knew Cassa was here as well and that upped my chances. I didn’t knock on the door before I walked in. You would never guess a multimillion dollar rock star lived in this house. It had the security of a mansion but the feel of home.
I can hear hoots and hollers coming from the kitchen and make my way, stopping short when I see my little princess sitting on a Minnie mouse potty with Chad, Carrie, Noah, Cass and Shame all clapping and jumping around. When Noelle saw me she jumped from the potty, hello kitty panties hooked around one foot as she ran to me.
"Cally!" She said in that sweet voice that melted me. I had just enough time to swoop down and grab her before her little hands were squishing my cheeks and a kiss to my nose. Within seconds she was looking at me like I grew two heads, and so was Axe.
"Well, now now Princess Noelle." I say in my serious voice and pull back to look at her. "Did you go potty on Minnie Mouse?"
"I made pee-pee." She said and squealed with laughter. "Mommy get frozen baby."
I look to Carrie for confirmation as well as an idea what the fuck a frozen baby is.
"Yes Noelle we are going to the store right to buy a frozen baby Elsa." Carrie said before swooping a half-naked chubster Noelle from my arms. “Noelle, this is Axe. He’s Cal’s baby.” Carrie says, but Noelle is one track minded.
"Elsa, Elsa..." I say tapping my chin in faux confusion. We all know who Elsa and Anna are. "Is that the little mermaid?"
"No!" She giggles and starts singing 'Let it go' and I so love this kid and the happiness she radiates. "Frozen Cally." She says knowing damn well I know the song and the movie very well.
"Oh, silly me. Frozen. Got it." I pull out my wallet and hand her a twenty dollar bill. "Buy an Olaf too. That’s Axe’s favorite."
Now she was really squealing and my mood had lifted immensely. Carrie took her to lay down for a nap with promises of Frozen baby shopping when she woke up.
I stood at the counter making small talk every day BS until Carrie returned. "You spoil her." She says giving me a pointed look. I smile and scoop a handful of peanuts in my mouth and shrug my shoulders.
"Suck it up buttercup. I'll never stop." I say and she playfully smacks my head.
"What’s up man? What brings you by?" Chad asks and hands me a beer. Cassa and Carrie are all over Axe showing him all of Noelle’s toys in the corner.
I look at them as I tip the bottle back, and chug. I need the beer to get through this. Asking for advice on women is something I have never done before. Admitting all my fuck ups and how much I love, miss and need Tay will be a first too.
"I need advice."
"On?" Carrie asks as she picks up the Minnie mouse potty and places it in the closet.
"Why was she pissing in the kitchen?" I ask, just now realizing how weird the idea is.
"I don’t care where she does it if she'd just keep doing it. Defiant little thing." Chad says and I laugh knowing damn well that Noelle does things on Noelle’s time and nobody can change it. I also understand as a dad how hard it is to teach something so special and sweet and do it in a voice that means business.
"Don’t change the subject." Shamus says and I roll my eyes.
"On women." I say and take a stool at the counter and play with the label on my beer.
"Women or Tayla?" Noah asks and looks me dead in the eye. Things have been strained between us since the night he told me he was leaving TAT. We are and will always be boys, but Tay has been the elephant between us.
"Tayla." I say and look around as a collective sigh and various comments come from everyone in the room.
"Fucking finally." Said Chad.
"No shit Sherlock" said Shamus.
"Obviously." Said Cassa and "Duh", was Carrie.
"Cool." I say sarcastically and clap my hands once. "Now what the fuck do I do?"
I tell them about the night of the wedding and my assholeness as well as the fight no more than an hour ago and wait for my ass to be chewed.
Instead I am met with silence...and a glare.
"Well?" I ask and they just keep staring at me. "Fuck, c’mon I need help here."
"You need your ass beat." Chad says without any note of humor in his voice. He means it.
"I know." I say and can’t hide the defeat in my tone.
"Cal...." Carrie says and she sounds so sad. "Why?"
I scrub my face before dropping my shoulders and rolling my head back. "Because I have never felt even a mild replica of what I feel for Tay. I have been in love before but it was never like this."
Chad, Noah and Shamus all nod in understanding and both Carrie and Cass smile. "We've all been there dude." Noah says and I know it probably sucks to be on his end where he doesn’t get the chance that I did...and blew it. No wonder he can’t stand my ass these days.
"You guys didn’t fuck shit up like me though."
"Holy fuck! Are you delusional?" Carrie asks me and starts laughing. "Noah pulled a complete one-eighty on Candey the year you guys signed; duh you were at that party. Or how about Shamus packing up and leaving Cassa in the blink of an eye? Out of fear mind you." She looks to Shame and Cassa with a guilty look for even bringing it up...then turned that stare to her husband. "Then there’s my lovely hubby here who half fucked Trisha on a tour bus. Cal, guys fuck up a lot, it’s how you come back from it that counts."
"First off in my defense I was wasted and then completely lost my shit when you wouldn’t hear me out. Candey played games right back on Noah that night and it's why he ate a fangirls pussy, and Shame and Cass... fuck Cass married a dude before Shame could grovel. Chicks are just as bad."
"Show of brotherhood bro. Good job." Noah says and holds his fist out to bump both Shame and Chad.
Before I screaming match started in the Blake home, and one was coming if I base it off the look on Carries face right now, I changed the subject in hope of answers. "Has she ever said anything about me?"
"Really Cal?" Carrie asks and looks at me with shame.
"What?" I ask and head to the fridge for another beer.
"Just it's such a girl thing to ask." She says smirking and I kind of hate the brat right now.
"Carrie c'mon dammit!" I wine and I want to kick my own ass.
"She was never big on telling me anything." Sass said and looked at me. "She asked once how Cans and Carrie could handle being with rock stars and she didn’t say more but I knew she was talking about something more personal. I just didn’t know it was you."
"Once the big secret was out, most of what she said was in longing Cal. She's not the sort of woman to sit back and cry. She's educated and so strong, I think it’s hard for her to not be in control and I also think it’s why she is letting you go."
"How do I fight?" I ask them and I am desperate for any advice they can give me.
"Romance." Chad says and both Noah and Shame agree.
"Women are so easily wooed when it’s done right."
"And how do I woo?" I ask Carrie with more hope than I knew thought I had.
"Cal..." Carrie and Cassa both come to sit beside me at the counter and Carrie takes my hand before finishing her thought. "Tayla sucks at hiding her desires. It's no different from when she sets her mind to a new tattoo, or a new pair of Minollo's. She watches you and salivates, so make her want it."
Jesus these girls are lucky the guys did the chasing because so far their plan sucks. "She knows what I look like Carrie."
Cassa groans with frustration and smacks the counter to get my attention. "Exactly Cal. Let her see your swagger and don’t let her forget how hot you are."
I think I knew what they were getting at... "Okay, I get that she thinks I'm sexy but she thought that earlier while she was telling me I had lost her."
"Well looks aren’t all of it. Use the swag, make her want you Cal. Get romantic with it, play dirty but do it reminding her how bad she wants you inside of her."
/>
"Babe. No." Chad says and looks at Carrie like she has two heads.
"Inside of Tayla baby, not me."
"Christ." Noah mutters under his breath and chuckles.
"Just one problem here. I don’t even know where to start. I'm not the romantic type, more importantly Tay knows that so the minute I try she'll probably go running to Sam’s arms." I interlock my fingers behind my neck and look up to the ceiling hoping it'll suck me into oblivion until I can figure this shit out.
"Wait is this just because someone else is showing interest? Or is it real?" Cassa asks me with a pointed look. "Because if this is over some jealous bullshit where you don’t want her but you don’t want anyone else wanting her either then you need to suck it up."
"No. The night of the wedding, I don’t know. Everything changed." I look at Noah and his words filter through my scrambled thoughts. "I caught the glimpse of how short life is and a good friend reminded me of what I fool I was."
"That'd be me." Noah says with a wink and we all laugh because even remembering that night is devastating.
"Before I had a chance to go right that wrong she had Sam all over her." I feel my heart quicken when I think of him touching that delicate skin.
"Then think Cal. Think of every time she made you sweat. Think of every panic inducing moment you spent with her and find a way to get them back." Shamus says and kisses Cassa on the neck.
"Like a redo?" I ask and the idea starts to form in my mind and I feel relief... then I back off the thought because it's fucking lame.
"Oh my God. It's like a biology experiment." Carrie says and looks at me astonished.
"Huh?" I ask confused. They are all looking at me with shock. Fuck was the idea that bad?
"You had this glow look in your eye when you said that and within seconds we all watched you panic and block the thought. My God Cal, you may need therapy."
Release Me Page 3