Release Me

by Melanie Walker

  I laugh at that and agree. “I know.”

  Then we hear Axe who is still in his car seat and no longer okay with sitting there alone. “Me out Daddy!” he yells and cries and I feel like shit for leaving him in there.

  “Calm down babe, it’s not hot and we are at the bumper he’s fine. He didn’t need to witness his mom and dad fighting.”

  Hearing him say that made me turn to Jell-O and cry harder. “Damn Hun, quit crying. It’s okay baby.” He says with a chuckle and undoes the harness on Axe’s seat. His arms go out to me immediately. “Go mama.” He says and I continue to cry, overwhelmed by emotion.

  Cal hands him to me and ruffles Axe’s head. “Mama loves us so much she cries Axe.” He says and kisses me on the temple and we head inside.

  “Mama cy baby.” Axe says and I laugh stopping to look at him.

  “Who taught you cry baby?” I ask and Axe starts clapping.

  “Nel.” He says and we laugh at how cute he and Noelle’s conversation must have been.

  “Mama is a cry baby but we love her anyway.” Cal says and I keep on crying like a lunatic basking in the love of my boys.

  ‘A considerate clown, A preachy preaching machine

  Is one of the sweetest things you would say about me

  Chapter Sixteen

  Tayla

  I was sitting at lunch with Cassa Roni and Carrie a few weeks later. Nothing crazy or dramatic in almost three whole weeks and it was time I caught up with everyone to see how they were. Cal and I had been living in love bliss, spending time with Axe when we could and soaking up the happiness. I literally turned my own stomach when I thought of how blissful life was being.

  “Look who crawled out of the cave.” Carrie exclaimed as I took my seat at the little cafe on Main Street.

  “Oh shut it.” I say with laughter and a huge smile. “I have waited forever to be this happy. I’ve been basking in the joy so back off.”

  “Yeah yeah, I know what that’s like.” Carrie says and I believe her. She and Chad are the myth or what I used to believe was the myth. That one guy who put you above everything to keep you happy. Cassa and Shame were the well-deserved happily ever after couple that fought to get to the level they were at and they were so strong for it. Roni and Mike were the love at first site couple, together since they were kids. And now it was Cal and I, the exception to the rule love. I am the game changer.

  “So tell me, what I have I missed?” I ask and sip from my iced tea and wait to be filled in on all the deets of the last few weeks.

  “No way. We know for a fact that Jenny has been dropping to play mom. How is that going?” Cassa asks and I can see the look of yuck she gives thinking of Jenny.

  I have to handle this as easily as I can. I love Cass and knowing that she would give anything to have Shamus’s baby, well, it goes against everything in her world to find reason in someone like Jenny Pope’s world. “I know it bugs you Cass, but she’s been okay. She hasn’t caused any problems she doesn’t interfere with our parenting, she supports it. I honestly think that she wants to be in his life and be fun like a cool aunt or something.”

  “How do you stand it?” Cassa asks and the judgement in her tone sets me off. Cassa isn’t always sweet and kind. She has a bit of brat in her and she doesn’t look at things from the whole spectrum at times and it can make her hard to love.

  “Because I grew up without a father on a barely functioning farm in Georgia. I watched my grandpa bust his ass on that farm up until the day he died my single momma at his side. They both busted ass to support me and my sister and it was hell. I would have given anything for my dad to have stepped in and helped with the burden of us girls so that they could rest and have time to themselves, but he never did. We live with that every day even now as adults we know damn well we weren’t wanted by him in any capacity, so hey, if I can give Axe something I never had and always wanted and let him see he is wanted and loved, I damn well will.”

  Cassa doesn’t say anything at first, just looks at me with a guilty sadness. “Fuck... I’m sorry Tay. I didn’t look at it that way.”

  I nod in understanding because I do understand it. “I know Cass. I feel bad for Jenny. She doesn’t have you guys to talk her through things, or a family to call on in hard times. She was pregnant and she even told us that she tried to get an abortion but didn’t have the money. She didn’t come to get money from Cal because she didn’t want Axe to have two parents who didn’t love him. It wasn’t neglect so much as it was money. There are things she did, agreements we have had with her that once we found out the story, though she was in the wrong she was never trying to hurt Axe.”

  Cassa shakes her head in understanding when Roni pipes in. Roni is nothing if not blunt. She has no problem calling BS or putting her opinion out there. “I can see both sides. I see why you want Axe to have everything and I think you’re a rock star for it, but do you see our sides?”

  Confused I shake my head no.

  “Cassa doesn’t need to be compassionate or sorry for Jenny. Jenny had a baby she didn’t want. Whether Cal would have wanted him is moot because for damn near 2 years she didn’t and the world is full of shitty moms that don’t want their children while women like Cassa will never get the chance. I had kids early in life and I know what it takes to be a mom and I am sorry, nothing and I mean nothing could make me hurt them. I have the right frame of mind to know that if the day ever came I didn’t want them I would certainly not ask mike to let me come have fun for a few hours.”

  I look at my girlfriends and I can feel their judgmental stares and honestly I’m over it.

  “You know what guys, I don’t need this shit. I didn’t come here for lectures or judgements or to play the who-has-it-worse card. Had any of you asked me why she did what she did, or why he was so malnourished or any of his problems I would have explained and then let you judge, but you didn’t. You took what you know and placed a judgment on it like you always do. Jenny doesn’t have what we have.” I look at Carrie, “No big brother to lean on and hold her up.” I look at Roni, “No loving husband or mother and father like Cal has.” Looking at Cassa, “No excusing her behavior and what happened, but through it all I believe she does love him and she did what she could.”

  I shake my head; my hands are shaking as I try to explain. I feel my tears in my eyes but I am not sad, I am so damn mad. “She has been working at Skin for five years as a cocktail waitress. She has moved up as a trainer and one of the lead servers. It may not be some dream job, but she wasn’t living on the state and taking tour bus parties like we thought. She was busting her ass every night in a filthy strip club while Axe was at the neighbor’s house where the woman rarely fed or changed him. The minute Jenny found out she called child services and reported the woman. I was able to verify it.” I say with a snip in my tone as I stare them down. “She didn’t have a crib for him because she couldn’t afford it. She put him to sleep every night in his car seat until she felt safe enough to put him in the bed beside her. Axe sleeps in the corner of his bed because Jenny only had a twin which she placed against the wall so Axe had the most room and she would most nights end up on the floor. She fed him as often as she could and as best she could but she worked a lot and he was neglected in the process. There is no excuse for why she didn’t get assistance from the state other than her pride and that pride cost Axe more than it should have. There is no excuse for the parties and tour bus BS she dragged him along on other than what we know and that is she was never meant to be a mom. I don’t think for a split second that her love for Axe isn’t pure but she isn’t ready. Maybe one day she will grow up, but she has us now and she can count on us to do the very best for Axe and still let her be a part of her son’s life in the capacity that she can handle. Do whatever the fuck you want with that information. Place your judgements on her, I don’t care but don’t you ever think for one second that Cal and I don’t worry or question if we are making the right choices. We worry and second guess every move,
but we do what makes Axe thrive and smile and Jenny does.”

  I don’t bother to wait for a response even though they are calling after me as I leave the cafe. Carrie is on my ass as I get to my Rover. “Tay!” She screams and I finally stop but I don’t turn to look at her.

  “I just want you to know that even if I have questions or concerns it is because I love you. That’s it. I support the people I love and trust Tayla, even when they are wrong. I am watching my brother disappear into the dark and I can do nothing about it but I follow him there in case I need to pull him out. I am fucking loyal Tayla, so remember that when you get off your high horse.”

  I don’t turn or say anything as she leaves. I know she has a point and I know they are all concerned but it was how it was handled that set me off. I think of what Carrie said as I drive to Cal’s and I wonder how far Noah is falling and I feel like shit. We have been so preoccupied and in our own world we haven’t done much of anything let alone paid attention to the people we love.

  When I pull through the gate I see Noah’s car and I feel the heartache that comes from what Carrie told me. I want to help him and save him, we all do but there is no way to know what he needs saving from.

  I grab the files I grabbed from the office on my way to that fail of a lunch and head inside.

  “Hey babe.” Cal yells from the kitchen and I make my way to him and see him and Noah sitting at the table. “What ya got there?” He asks as I bend to kiss him, wishing I could vent about the lunch and just have him hold me.

  “This is the final contract for the Rock 102 festival.” I set the papers down on the counter and Cal immediately starts going through them with a fine tooth comb. This is a piece of Cal that will forever be. His obsession with the band is as important as his obsession with Axe and I, only these days we come before TAT and that is something I never thought would happen. I see Noah looking at me with a lot of what the fuck and I ignore his stare.

  “Holy shit!” Cal exclaims and looks at Noah. He and I had been waiting to surprise the guys with this huge piece of news. After today’s events though I wasn’t in the mood to have everyone over though that is what we had planned. “You’re playing?” He asks and he sounds like a kid who was given the coolest toy on the earth.

  Noah’s phone goes off right then and I know he is about to learn of that awful lunch. “Yep. We were planning to surprise you guys...” He looks confused and I know once he reads that message he may be pissed at me for ruining it.

  Seeing his confusion and Cal’s excitement I just lose it and start bawling and leave the room, hell I leave the house.

  Cal

  I have called Tayla’s phone six times and she keeps ignoring me and it’s got me more than pissed. I am sick of the need to run every time the going gets rough. She runs to the cabin, she runs after court, now she is running from me again and this time I have no clue why. I look at Noah who just got off the phone with Carrie.

  “Wow dude, it’s ugly.” Noah says and takes a seat at the counter. I can see his phone because he doesn’t try to hide it and he is texting Tayla.

  NOAH: I can either come find you or you tell me where you are and we talk. You have your tat today I can come in earlier. You owe me Tayla.

  “Why does she owe you?” I ask and dial her number again when Noah snakes my phone from me and ends the call.

  “Carrie says that Cassa and Ron crossed the line at lunch. Tay was hounded on Jenny and Axe and how she can stand the sight of Jenny. I guess T let them have it and stormed out.” He looks at me as he speaks until his phone go’s off and he shows me his screen and Tay has texted him back. “She owes me because I agreed the album we just finished I will do the tour for but I want less shows, a sober companion and I want venues not arenas. I want it old school, I need it old school so I don’t go all the way off the deep end.”

  I feel like I have been waiting forever to hear Noah say he would play and it is tarnished by the fucking drama and I am fed the fuck up with the drama. “Well I’m glad bro and we will do whatever it takes to keep you chill and you know we are here for you.”

  He nods and reads the message then shows me.

  TAYLA: I’m just driving. I’ll meet you in the shop in an hour.

  I don’t give a fuck right now though. Now it is best if she stays gone for a minute.

  “She’s safe, that’s what matters Cal.” Noah says and types out something I didn’t see because I am fucking done with bullshit.

  “Yeah, fucking good but she still ran. Again. I am so sick of her bailing out anytime things get complicated.” I rub my hands over my face, so fucking annoyed by her when I hear the pad of teeny feet come running into the kitchen. “A milk daddy?” Axe asks me and I swoop him up onto my shoulders.

  “A milk...a milk?” I look in the fridge where the milk is plain as day but wait for Axe to laugh before I get it out and fill he sippy cup.

  I look to Noah, who Axe climbed on the minute I set him down. “What about him? She can’t bail out every time shit gets rough because she is stressed. I am fucking stressed and I don’t bail.”

  Noah laughs out loud and rolls his eyes at me and looks at Axe. “Daddy must like the taste of bullshit in his mouth.”

  Axe starts laughing and I don’t know if he has any idea of what Noah just said but I smack Noah on the back of the head. “Dude, not in front of him. Noelle already has him calling Tay a crybaby.”

  This makes Noah laugh even harder when he hi-fives my boy. “Regardless bro, don’t change the subject. You, the marathon man of running away from anything intense are gonna ride her ass for running?” He is laughing as he bounces Axe on his knee.

  I roll my eyes and grab a beer from the fridge. “But we sandblasted that shit, then again when she tried to ditch out after court. If I am here and present then she needs to be too.” I don’t need anyone reminding me what a prick I have been in the past but I have made my intentions clear so this running shit is crap!

  “Dude there is nothing wrong with needing to dumb things down and clear your mind. Give her a break man. It’s not like she was bailing on a Dr. visit or some shit. It’s a Friday afternoon; she’s been at work all day dealing with other high maintenance bands because her world doesn’t revolve around TAT as much as we wished it did. She fought with her girls. When we dumb it down we play music, when Tay needs a breather she bails for alone time. Don’t ride her ass about it man.”

  I shake my head no and finish the bottle of Miller and grab another, twisting the top and chucking it to the trash. “It’s not that. I don’t give a fuck if she needs time bro, I get that. It’s that she runs from me, she doesn’t run to me. For fuck sakes I am finding out why she’s pissed from you. I have called her what? Ten times? And nothing. One text from you and she is fast as shit to respond. Tay runs from me and I am fucking tired of it.”

  “Dude, she only text me back because the whole you owe me thing she knows I mean business. She has been on my ass at every turn with playing out this album, so she wore me down but I warned there would be a price. I was just hoping for something like a new guitar or something fun but I make any deal I can to be there if I am needed.” Noah shrugs his shoulders and looks to Axe who stands on his barstool and climbs on to Noah’s back.

  I smile as I watch them and sigh. “Dude get a guitar, don’t chase after her. If she wants to talk I want her to talk to me.”

  He looks at me then and the look is intense. I can’t tell if he is gonna slit my throat or start crying. “You really love her.” He doesn’t ask me because it wasn’t a question.

  “Yep.” I say and swig the last of my second beer, but refuse the urge for a third.

  Did I say that I need you?

  Did I say that I want you?

  Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see

  No one knows this more than me

  Chapter Seventeen

  Tayla

  I walk into the Pit and see Sam and I smile instantly. “Hey Pet.” He says and winks, kissing me
on the cheek. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “I am actually here for Noah.” I say with a guilty smile. He makes a joke of gripping his chest in mock heartache.

  “Stop breaking my heart Pet.”

  I smack his arm and let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s been a long day Hun.”

  “Wanna talk?” He asks me, all joking gone he looks at me with his intense green eyes and I know he will listen and help me if he could.

  “Just life. I feel like everyone is on me over this Jenny BS. I just want what is best for Cal and Axe and right now, having Jenny fill some of the void she left in Axe is what matters. I know he isn’t my son, I know that. I know that by rights I have none, but my heart is his and his dads, there is no changing that. If I need to sit back and bite my tongue to see them content I will.”

  “That’s why you are his mom Tay.” Noah says from behind me and I turn to see him lift his sunglasses from his head and walk to the counter where Sam and I are.

  “That’s the truth.” Sam says and I see a sad smile cross his face. “When I lost my daughter, I didn’t think there would be anything on this earth to fill the void. I think of the mistakes I made and that I wasn’t there for her the day she died. Looking back on every second I had with her, I understand why you do things that suck for you but are right for the child.”

  I am frozen in place my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. I knew Sam had a past that he suffered immensely with but no, nothing on this earth would have prepared me for what he just told me. I look to Noah, who obviously, duh, knew about this and probably knew his daughter. He pats his back in a brotherly way but doesn’t fuss, so I don’t fuss.