Phule's Company

by RobertAsprin

  “I don’t have to tell you that was a pretty miserable showing,” the CO announced as the last few stragglers joined the group. “I’m just wondering if anyone has the smarts or the courage to tell me what’s wrong.”

  “We stink on ice!”

  It was the now obligatory voice from the back of the crowd that was raised, though everyone seemed to be in agreement with it. Phule, it seemed, was not about to let it go at that, however.

  “Who said that?” he demanded, peering in the direction the voice had come from.

  Before his gaze, the mass of Legionnaires melted away, leaving one dark-haired, rat-faced individual to meet the challenge alone.

  “I guess I did … sir,” he admitted uncomfortably.

  “It’s Do-Wop, isn’t it?” the commander said, recognizing the Legionnaire who had done communications a few days before.

  “Yes, sir!”

  “Actually it’s De Wop,” someone whispered loudly, and a snicker rippled through the assemblage as the singled-out party flushed with annoyance and embarrassment.

  Phule ignored it all.

  “Well, Do-Wop, I admire someone who speaks their mind … but you’re wrong. Dead wrong.”

  The company frowned in bewilderment, except the first sergeant, who scowled openly as he continued.

  “What’s wrong is that you’re down there, and we’re”—his gesture encompassed all four observers on the knoll—“up here! I told you before that it’s our job to work with you, to find ways to make you effective, not to stand up here and shake our heads while you flounder around getting discouraged by trial-and-error learning. If anything, I owe you an apology for putting you through that first round, but I felt it was necessary to prove a point. You have my promise it’s the last time you’ll face an exercise alone.”

  The company responded with thunderstruck silence as Phule came down off the knoll to join them on their own level, the rest of the observers trailing uneasily in his wake. Their expressions ranged from confused to disgusted, but there was little they could do but follow Phule’s lead.

  “Okay now,” the CO said, motioning for those in the front rows to kneel down so those behind could see and hear, “I told you before, we’re a team. All of us. The first mistake was that you were trying to run this course as individuals. There are obstacles out there, as well as in anything we’ll ever want to do, that can flat out beat any one of us. But together, working as a team to help each other and to think out any problem, there’s nothing we can’t do. Nothing! Accept that as a given. Burn it into your minds and hearts that we can do anything. Then all that remains is working out the how, and that’s where the team comes in.”

  The company was hanging on his words, caught up in his certainty and wanting him to be right.

  “Let’s get down to some specifics here and see how this works. The three-meter wall is a problem.”

  He pointed at the offending obstacle, and the Legionnaires nodded, a few grimacing wryly.

  “It’s obvious just from looking at it that if you’ve got the height and the strength, you can go over it. But if you don’t, you’re stuck. That may be true for a pack of individuals, but we’re not. We’re a team, and we don’t leave teammates behind or let them get stuck just because they aren’t tall. Forget getting you over it and start thinking about getting us over it. If someone was to get on top and stay there to give a hand up to those coming after him, everyone could get over a lot easier. Better still, if some of you heavyweights were to make a staircase with your shoulders, we could go over this thing without breaking stride. Again, the idea is to maximize what you can do, not to let yourself get defeated by what you can’t do.”

  There were smiles in the ranks now. The irrepressible energy of the captain was having its effect, and the Legionnaires were starting to believe they could beat the system.

  “Another example,” Phule continued. “Some of you are slower than others. The Sinthians in particular are not built for speed. Well, being slow is nothing to be ashamed of, especially when it’s a factor of your physical build. They should no more have to suffer from not being fast than the rest of us have to be embarrassed by not being able to fly. It’s a problem to be dealt with. We help them deal with it because they’re our teammates. If there’s a situation like this course, where time is important and we don’t want them to fall behind, help them along. Carry them if you have to, even if it means doubling up on some of the field packs. Remember, our goal is to be efficient, and we’ll do whatever is necessary to get the job done. Now, let’s take a look at some of these other obstacles …”

  He strode off in the direction of the series of obstacles commonly referred to as “The Pits,” with the rest of the company crowding along behind him. Reaching the first station, he turned back to the Legionnaires, and this time the front ranks dropped down without his signaling to them.

  The obstacle consisted of a trench about four meters across filled nearly to the top with an evil-looking mixture of slime, algae, and muddy water. There was a framework constructed over the trench from which three heavy ropes hung. The Legionnaires were to swing across the trench on the ropes and continue on their way, a maneuver which was, in reality, much more difficult than it looked.

  “I noticed that there was always a bottleneck at this station,” Phule said. “While some of you had the right idea in giving your buddies a push to get their swing started, the real problem is that three ropes aren’t enough to keep the traffic moving.”

  He paused and peered into the trench at the water.

  “Now, I know you’re all proud of your new uniforms, but these are supposed to be combat conditions, and combat is no time to worry about keeping your clothes clean. Does anyone know how deep this trench is?”

  The Legionnaires looked at each other, but the CO didn’t bother waiting for an answer.

  “The most valuable thing in combat besides initiative is information. Intelligence. Sergeant Brandy!”

  “Sir?”

  “Would you demonstrate for the company the fastest way to find out how deep this trench is?”

  The company blinked in astonishment at the captain’s audacity, but the much-feared top sergeant only hesitated the barest heartbeat before springing into action. Crisp uniform, spit-shined boots, and all, she took one long stride and leaped boldly into the trench. Then, finding that the muck barely reached the bottoms of her substantial breasts, she waded to the far side with as much dignity as she could muster, looking not unlike the Bismarck coming into port.

  Lieutenant Armstrong, who had always envied the top sergeant’s poise, did not bother to hide his grin as he elbowed Rembrandt in glee. Unfortunately, Phule noticed the exchange.

  “Lieutenants?”

  “Sir?”

  The junior officers cringed inside as their commander nodded pointedly at the trench, but they were compelled to match the sergeant’s example. Two sets of officer’s uniforms hit the muck as the company looked on with delight.

  “As you can see,” the CO commented calmly, “it’s actually quicker to simply wade through this obstacle than to stand in line for a rope. Now, if you’ll follow me, we’ll take a look at the next problem. Remember how deep this is and lend a hand to your shorter teammates.”

  With that, he turned and stepped off the edge of the trench himself, accepting a hand up from Brandy as he reached the other side. The company charged into the trench like lemmings behind him, eager to see what else their commander had up his sleeve.

  The next station was much like the last, except that the trench was wider and spanned by three logs. This time, Phule didn’t hesitate, but hopped immediately onto one of the logs and crossed to the far side, beckoning for the waterlogged Armstrong to join him.

  “This one isn’t too difficult,” he called from the other side, “if you’re reasonably agile. Of course, some of us aren’t reasonably agile, and even for those that are, keeping your balance takes time. So again, we simply modify the world to fit our nee
ds … Tusk-anini! Could you get the other end of this?”

  At nearly seven feet, the big Volton was easily the strongest, most imposing figure among the Legionnaires, even if his stringy dark hair, protruding tusks, and misshapen head didn’t give him the appearance of a cross between a warthog and Frankenstein’s monster. Stepping forward, he grasped one end of the log as Phule and Armstrong got the other, and together they rolled it sideways until it rested against the center span. A few more moments, and the third log was shoved into place next to the others.

  “This is easier to cross,” Phule declared, walking out to the center of the makeshift bridge and jiggling it with his feet to check its steadiness, “but it’s still a little wobbly if we’re all going to cross it in a hurry. Anyone have any rope in your packs?”

  Nobody did.

  “Well, I know you all have knives. They were issued to you, and while they aren’t the best-quality cutlery, they’ll do for the moment. Do-Wop?”

  “Here, Captain!”

  “Grab a partner and go get us some rope to tie these logs together with.”

  “Sir?”

  “Think, soldier! I believe you’ll find some back at the last station. That is, of course, if you don’t feel it will compromise your well-known principles to stoop to liberating something for the company’s benefit.”

  Whoops and cheers went up from the Legionnaires at this, as Do-Wop could normally be relied on to requisition anything that wasn’t nailed down solidly—and chained, to boot.

  “While we’re waiting,” Phule called, waving them into grinning silence, “let’s kick around some ideas of how to beat the next obstacle. Anyone have any ideas?”

  * * *

  As fate would have it, Bombest was not only on duty but in the lobby when the company blew into the hotel after their bout with the confidence course.

  Do-Wop was the first in, though it was difficult to recognize him through the slime and drying mud that were caked on his uniform. He was in undeniably high spirits, though, as he tossed a wad of wet currency on the front desk and scooped up an entire stack of newspapers from the counter.

  “Hey, Super Gnat!” he called at the next figure through the door, recognizable only by her height, or lack thereof. “Give me a hand with this! You know what the captain said. If those baboons track up the lobby, we’ll all have to pay for the cleanup out of our wages.”

  The manager watched with interest as the two of them laid a path with newspapers between the front door and the elevators, barely in time as the first wave of Legionnaires burst into view.

  “Did you see Brandy’s face when the captain said …”

  “I’ll tell you, I never thought I’d live to see …”

  “Hey, Bombast! Better call the laundry service and have ’em send someone over for a pickup. We’ve got a little overtime for them!”

  The hotel manager did his best to smile along with the general laughter that followed this comment despite the use of the hated nickname, but it came out looking like a thin-lipped grimace.

  “Me, I’m ready for a drink or five.”

  “Get cleaned up first. Can’t have the civvies see us looking like this!”

  One figure detached itself from the jubilant mass and approached the front desk.

  “Say, Bombest! Could you send someone to open up the pool area? I think the crew is going to want to play a bit, and it’s probably better for all of us if they do it in the pool instead of the bar and the restaurant.”

  The manager did not even try to keep the look of horror off his face this time. If it hadn’t spoken, Bombest would never have recognized the mud-encrusted figure before him as Phule. His mind flatly refused to accept that anyone of Phule’s social standing and training would stoop to wallowing in the muck with the common troops.

  “The pool?” he echoed weakly, unable to tear his eyes away from the commander’s soiled condition.

  Phule caught his look, but misinterpreted it.

  “Don’t worry, Bombest.” He grinned. “I’m sure everyone will shower before hitting the pool.” He gestured at the newspaper-littered lobby. “If they’re too cheap to pay to have the carpet vacuumed, they sure aren’t about to spring to have a ring around the pool scrubbed off.”

  “I suppose not.”

  “Oh, and could you have room service send about three trolleys of beer to each of our floors? On my bill, of course.”

  “It’s all on your bill, Mr. Phule,” Bombest commented, beginning to recover his composure.

  The commander had been starting to turn away, but instead he leaned on the desk, chatty in his enthusiasm.

  “I know, Bombest, but this is special. Be sure they’re told that it’s with the commander’s compliments. I’ll tell you, I wish you could have seen them today. I’ll have to check on it, but I don’t think any outfit has run the confidence course in less time than they did.”

  “They do seem to be in high spirits,” the manager agreed, wishing to maintain the friendly tone of the conversation.

  “They should be. Do you know we ran that course over a dozen times today? They’d still be going at it if I hadn’t called it a day.”

  “Why did you do that? I mean … it is still fairly early.”

  “The course has to be rebuilt first,” Phule said proudly, his grin flashing through the dirt on his face. “That reminds me. I’ve got to call the construction crew and see if they can get someone out there today to get started on it.”

  “It … sounds like they’re doing well.”

  “That they are. I am worried about the Sinthians, though. They’re just not able to keep up without help. I’ve got to come up with some way to help them move faster before they get completely dispirited.”

  Bombest was groping for an appropriate answer when he noticed two figures approaching their conversation.

  “Willard? Is that you?”

  Phule turned, smiling as he recognized the reporter whose interview had resulted in the call from Headquarters. She was barely into her twenties with soft, curly brown hair and a curvaceous body that even the conservative lines of her office suit couldn’t hide.

  “Hi, Jennie. Surprised you recognized me like this.”

  “I almost didn’t, but Sidney here said he thought it was you. It’s not that easy to fool a holophotographer.” The reporter grinned, gesturing at her partner. “He specializes in spotting celebrities that are trying to travel in disguise.”

  “Yes. I can see where that would be a handy skill,” the commander said, forcing a smile. He had never been that fond of the sharp-eyed holophotographers that flocked around public figures like vultures around a staggering animal. In particular, he found he disliked the easy, broad-shouldered, wavy-haired good looks of the photographer who stood so close to Jennie. He exuded a relaxed air that intense people such as Phule always envied but could never hope to master. “Pleased to meet you, Sidney.”

  He bared his teeth as they shook hands.

  “So. What can I do for you today, Jennie? I don’t think we can top that last article you wrote until we learn to walk on water.”

  Any sarcasm hidden in his question was lost in the reporter’s enthusiasm.

  “Well, our editor has assigned us to do a series of weekly articles on you, complete with pictures … if you’re willing, that is. I was hoping we could talk with you and get a few shots, or set a time at your convenience.”

  “I see. Unfortunately I’m not really presentable at the moment.” Phule gestured pointedly at his soiled condition. “We’ve been running the confidence course today …

  “Really? That could make a good lead right there …”

  “… and besides,” the commander continued, “I’d rather you did a few stories on the company itself. I’m sure the public would find it more interesting than a series on me alone.”

  “I … suppose,” the reporter said hesitantly, seemingly reluctant to pass up her chance to spend time with the commander. “We could try putting in some stuff
about how other people view you and your activities.”

  “Fine. Then it’s settled. We’ll see what we can do about lining you up with … Do-Wop! Brandy!”

  He waved at the two figures en route from the elevator to the lounge, and they wandered over to join the conversation.

  “These two are interested in doing a story on our confidence course training session,” he explained. “I was wondering if the two of you would be willing to fill them in.”

  “With holos?” Do-Wop exclaimed, spotting the holophotographer’s equipment. “Hey, neat! Sure thing, Captain.”

  “Um … the trouble here is that they don’t look like they’ve been through anything,” the reporter commented tactfully.

  The two Legionnaires had already showered and changed, and except for their damp hair there was no trace of their recent ordeal.

  “No problem,” Do-Wop insisted hastily. “We can just duck up and change back into our other uniforms and—”

  “Better still,” Brandy said levelly, eyeing the holophotographer, whose good looks had not escaped her notice, “we could just go across the street to the park and take a quick dip in the fountain to wet ourselves down. I’m not sure the public wants to see how really dirty we get on the course.”

  The holophotographer ran an appraising look over the top sergeant’s generous figure and nudged the reporter with his elbow.

  “That’ll do just fine,” he declared. “Shall we go?”

  As the group headed out of the hotel, Phule snagged the photographer and drew him aside.

  “Umm … Sidney? We both know that Jennie there has enough enthusiasm to carry a whole brigade along with her once she gets rolling. I’m counting on you to keep a bit more level head on your shoulders.”

  “What do you mean …?”

  “Let’s just say it would be wise for you to check with the various Legionnaires before taking, much less publishing, holos of them. Some of them joined the Legion to leave their past behind them.”

  “Really?” The photographer started to look around, but Phule wasn’t finished.