Phule's Company

by RobertAsprin

  The Red Eagles were particularly enamored of The Club which the Legionnaires called home, and soon were spending as much or more time there as they were at their own quarters. Of course, there is no doubt in my mind that the Legionnaires benefited greatly from this association, as the Eagles were more than happy to show off by sharing tips and pointers on the firing range and confidence course. There was also, as might be expected, a notable increase in interest among both groups in the fencing lessons which had been available all along.

  Perhaps the most notable development during this period was that my employer finally felt satisfied that he had at least a passing knowledge of those under his command, and turned his attention to the job he should have been doing all along, which is to say administration. More and more he was willing to rely on his lieutenants to oversee the company’s field operations while he filled his time managing things on a grander, more long-term basis.

  Unfortunately this meant that he was not standing swamp duty with the company when, as they say, it hit the fan.

  * * *

  “Are you sure this guy can deliver the goods, C.H.?” Phule said impatiently, glancing at the door of the cocktail lounge for the twentieth time. “If this turns out to be a waste of my time …”

  “Don’t fret yourself none, Cap’n,” his supply sergeant said, desperately signaling the bartender for another round for his commander. “If my man says he’s got ’em … he’s got ’em. I just thought it would be best if the two of you met face-to-face before any money changed hands, is all.”

  The subject of this oblique discussion was knives. Harry claimed to have found a source who could supply them with a large quantity of the latest design in “action” knives, which was to say spring-loaded. These beauties were unusual in that not only did the blade emerge straight out of the handle at the touch of a button, as opposed to the more traditional switchblades which opened from the side like a jackknife, but if one held down the locking lever while triggering the blade, it would keep going, launched like a dart by the forty-pound spring that powered the mechanism. All in all, they were deadly little beasts. They were also illegal … hence the cloak-and-dagger approach to closing the deal.

  Harry’s connection had refused to come out to The Club to discuss the matter, but had agreed to meet them at their old watering hole, the Hotel Plaza lounge. Not surprisingly, the Legionnaires were well remembered at that establishment, and part of Phule’s nervousness was that he was afraid their supplier would be scared off if Bombest or any of the rest of the hotel staff were talking to them when he arrived.

  “How are things going with the inventory?” he inquired, more to make conversation than anything else. “Are you going to be ready by next week?”

  “Ready anytime you are, Cap’n.” The sergeant grinned. “Just be sure to wear one of your old uniforms. Physical inventories can get kinda dusty.”

  “Oh, I’m not going to be doing the audit.”

  “Yer not?” Harry scowled. “You mean my boys have been doin’ all that prep work for nothin’?”

  “Not exactly,” the commander said. “I’ve asked Sushi to handle the first couple rounds with you.”

  “Sushi? Aw, c’mon, Cap’n. That’s not exactly fair.”

  Sushi’s partner, Do-Wop, had proved to be less than discreet when it came to bragging about his crony’s criminal achievements. As a result, that notable’s history as an embezzler was already legend throughout the company.

  “Think of it as setting a poacher to catch a poacher, C.H.” Phule smiled. “I figure he knows more about what to watch for than I do. Of course, I’ll be spot-checking his work as well.”

  “But don’t you think … Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.”

  Phule followed his sergeant’s gaze. Chief Goetz had just entered the lounge and was making a beeline for their table.

  “Just relax, Harry,” he murmured. “Let’s not be too eager to post bail until we’re charged.”

  “Haw! Hey, that’s a good one, Cap’n.”

  “Good afternoon, Willard … Sergeant.” Goetz was standing over their table now. “Mind if I join you for a drink, or am I interrupting something?”

  “As a matter of fact, Chief,” Phule said, glancing pointedly at his watch, “we are waiting to meet someone.”

  Ignoring the hint, the policeman pulled up a chair and parked himself on it as if he had been invited.

  “You know, it’s funny you should mention that.” He smiled, waving for the bartender. “We’ve got a guy down at the station, name of Weasel Honeycutt. Picked him up for questioning on a couple break-ins last night, and you know what? Instead of pushing for a lawyer like he usually does, what he wanted was for someone to come down here and tell you he wouldn’t be able to meet with you today … and here I am, being a conscientious public servant. Would that, by any chance, be the appointment you were waiting for?”

  “Uh …”

  “Good. Then you’ve got time to have that drink with me, and maybe answer a few questions yourselves … like what’s up between you and the Weasel?”

  The last came out as a snarl, as Goetz abandoned his pleasant manner and glared at the two Legionnaires.

  “He wanted to talk to the cap’n here about enlistin’,” Harry answered quickly.

  Phule barely managed to avoid choking on an ice cube.

  “Enlisting?” The chief’s eyebrows collided with his hairline. “I knew the Legion wasn’t picky about whom they recruited, but don’t you think that the Weasel is stooping a bit … even for you? I mean, you’ve already got one fence and black marketeer working for you.”

  He stared pointedly at Chocolate Harry, who shifted uneasily in his chair.

  “Regulations require me to speak with anyone who expresses an interest in enlisting,” Phule interceded smoothly. “One’s pre-Legion history is unimportant to us. As you’ve so tactfully noted, we take anyone … we’ve even been known to accept ex-cops.”

  That earned a guffaw from the policeman, though the best Harry could manage was a weak smile.

  “You got me there, Captain,” Goetz acknowledged with a mock salute. “I don’t think you’ll get the Weasel, though. It would mean too much of a pay cut for him … unless you’re supplementing his enlistment bonus personally, that is.”

  “It was just talk,” Harry mumbled, playing with his empty glass. “You know … nothin’ definite.”

  The chief pursed his lips for a moment, then nodded.

  “All right,” he said. “We’ll let it drop for now and keep it social. I’ll tell you, though, if there’s a chance it might get the Weasel off-planet and out of my jurisdiction, I’ll help with the paperwork myself.”

  He paused as the bartender delivered his drink. By unspoken agreement, he paid for his own, lest there be any question as to whether he was accepting bribes from the Legionnaires.

  “Mebbe I should get on back to The Club, Cap’n,” Harry muttered, starting to rise, but Phule waved him back into his seat.

  “Relax, C.H.,” he said. “The chief here says it’s just a social visit, and besides, it’s about time you two got to know each other a little better.”

  “Where are the rest of your bandits, if you don’t mind my asking?” Goetz said, taking a sip of his drink. “Haven’t seen any of them around town today.”

  “It’s a duty day,” Phule explained. “The fearless forces of the Space Legion are hip-deep in muck, protecting the miners from the local ecology, and vice versa. The fact that C.H. and I happened to schedule our … meeting the same day as we would be normally joining our comrades in their discomfort is mere coincidence.”

  “Amen to that,” Harry acknowledged with his first genuine grin since Goetz entered the lounge.

  “Say”—the chief frowned, peering at one of the other groups in the lounge—“isn’t that the Eagles’ commander sitting over there with that little reporter … whatzername?”

  “Jennie,” the Legion commander said without looking. “I believe it is
. Why do you ask?”

  “I thought you had her staked out as private property. Or is she part of the settlement between you and the Army?”

  “She’s her own woman,” Phule said. “Always has been, from all I can tell. Just because we had dinner together a couple of times doesn’t mean—”

  The shrill screech of his wrist communicator interrupted him in midsentence.

  Annoyed, since he had left word he was not to be interrupted, the commander debated for a moment as to whether or not to acknowledge the call. Then it occurred to him that it would have to be important to override his orders, and he reached for the controls.

  “Excuse me a moment, Chief … Phule here, Mother. What’s the problem?”

  “We’ve got trouble, Captain,” came the communication specialist’s voice without any of her normal banter.

  “What …”

  “I’ll let you hear it direct. Stand by for a patch from field operations … Go ahead, Lieutenant.”

  “Captain Jester? Rembrandt here.”

  “Go ahead, Lieutenant.”

  “We have a situation here. I thought I should alert you as soon as possible.”

  Phule felt a sinking sensation in his stomach, but kept his voice calm.

  “Very well. What’s happened? Start at the beginning.”

  “Well, Do-Wop took a shot at a lizard …”

  “A lizard?”

  “It sort of looked like a lizard … only bigger. Currently unidentified. Anyway, it shot back at him, and—”

  “It what?”

  “It shot back at him, sir. Hit him with some kind of a stun ray. He’s alive but unconscious. We’ve got a force of previously unknown aliens in the swamp. Intelligent and armed.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Journal #153

  I had the privilege of being the only civilian present at the confrontation with the “alien invasion force.” This is not to say that I had any actual role in the proceedings or had any real business being there, but when those Legionnaires not on active duty for the initial contact scrambled to join their comrades in the field (leaving only Mother at The Club to serve as a communications link with the settlement), simple curiosity got the better of me and I decided to tag along. Normally I believe my employer would have sent me back, but he either decided he couldn’t spare anyone to provide transportation or simply didn’t register my presence at all. He was rather preoccupied at the time.

  * * *

  The bulk of the company was scattered along a one-hundred-meter line, crouching or flattened behind what little cover the swamp provided, as Phule huddled with Brandy and Rembrandt for his briefing. As they spoke, they kept their voices lowered to a conspiratorial whisper, occasionally raising their heads or leaning to one side to peer around the hummock they were kneeling behind.

  The object of their attention, and the focal point of nearly two hundred primed weapons, was a scant thousand meters in front of them: a bulky ungainly-looking spacecraft which floated on pontoons at the end of a tether in one of the swamp’s countless small pools of open, shallow water. There had been no signs of movement in or around the craft since the commander joined his force, but its proximity was enough to hone their caution to a fine edge.

  “… they’re small … well, big for lizards, but small compared to us,” Rembrandt was explaining. “I’d put them at roughly half our height, judging from the few we’ve seen.”

  “Weapons make them taller,” the commander commented grimly. “You’re sure Do-Wop is all right?”

  “As sure as we can be without having him checked over by a doctor,” Brandy said. “It was like he got hit with an electrical jolt. It knocked him out, but doesn’t seem to have done any permanent damage. Mostly he’s hollering to rejoin the company.”

  “Let’s keep him out of it for the moment. We don’t know for sure if there are any hidden aftereffects yet, and there’s no point in risking him unless he’s really needed.”

  “Right.”

  “Any word from Armstrong?”

  “He’s still with the team escorting the miners back to the settlement,” Rembrandt reported. “He wanted to break off and rejoin once they were a kilometer out of the area, but the way I understood your orders you wanted the miners under our protection all the way back to the settlement.”

  “That’s correct, Lieutenant,” Phule said. “Until we know for sure how many of them there are and where they are in the swamp, we have to keep the miners covered.”

  Though it had been proposed that Armstrong supervise the holding action while Rembrandt commanded the miners’ escort, Phule had decided to reverse those assignments. Armstrong was clearly the better combat commander of the two, which to Phule’s thinking made him the logical choice for escort duty in the event that another group of aliens was encountered during the miners’ withdrawal. Rembrandt, on the other hand, had a better feel for the normal swamp terrain thanks to her earlier sketching expeditions, which made her a valuable asset to the scouting and information-gathering efforts.

  “Has the settlement been alerted yet?” Brandy said, sneaking another look at the dormant craft.

  “Goetz was with me when the call came in,” the commander supplied. “He’s standing by for further information from us as to what we’re up against. In the meantime, he’s pulling in all off-duty officers so that they’ll have manpower ready to mobilize if things get rough.”

  “How rough is rough, sir?” Rembrandt pressed. “We’ve already had one person shot.”

  “After he opened fire first,” Phule pointed out. “What’s more, from what you tell me, he’s unharmed. There hasn’t been any more shooting, has there?”

  “No, sir … as per your orders,” the first sergeant said hastily. “There was a bit of activity around the ship a while back, but no firing from either side. I think they saw us, but I can’t be sure.”

  “What kind of activity?”

  “Spartacus reported it. Hang on, you can ask him direct.”

  Before Phule could comment, Brandy gave a low, attention-getting whistle, then beckoned to the Sinthian to join their huddle. The Legionnaire came skimming across the open ground, his body compressed low so he looked a bit like a bean bag draped over the glide board.

  The nonhuman would not have been the commander’s choice for a scout, since the swift motion of his glide board would tend to catch and hold the eye more than would the slow, stealthy movements of his human teammates. Still, it was more maneuverable over water, and apparently he had completed his mission without drawing attention, or at least without drawing fire.

  “Tell the captain what you saw, Spartacus,” Brandy ordered. “He wants to know what the aliens were doing around their ship.”

  “Well, Captain,” the Sinthian began, “they opened a panel on the side of their vessel and tinkered around inside for a while … I couldn’t see exactly what they were doing. Then they sealed it up again and retreated back inside.”

  The nonhuman’s voice, as supplied by the translator he had hung diagonally across his body, was high and musical, almost like the tinkling of a bell. Try as he might, Phule could not escape the impression that he was receiving a military briefing from a Munchkin.

  “Did it look like they were arming a weapon?”

  “I … I don’t think so, sir. There was no opening or fixture on the outside of the panel to suggest a firing capacity.”

  “Did they see you?”

  “A few of them looked my way from time to time, but they were looking all around, not just at me. I don’t think …”

  A flicker of motion to the rear of their position caught Phule’s attention, and he held up a restraining hand which silenced the Legionnaire in midsentence. There was a tense moment, then a small group of figures appeared, moving carefully from cover to cover.

  “What are they doing here?”

  It was Brandy who voiced the muttered question, though it echoed the thoughts of everyone in the huddle, as well as those Legionnaires
positioned near enough to note the group’s approach. The answer was forthcoming, as one figure detached itself from the group and crept forward to join them.

  “Sorry to take so long getting here, Captain,” Major O’Donnel said, nodding a curt acknowledgment to the others in the huddle. “We hadn’t expected to need our full combat gear for a simple honor guard assignment, and it took us a while to get it all unpacked and issued.”

  He paused to survey the Legionnaires within his line of vision, then shot a glance back at his own Red Eagles.

  “If you just fill me in on what you’ve got so far, I’ll get my troops disbursed. Then you can pull your force out a few at a time while we cover you.”

  “Excuse me, Major,” Phule said coldly, “but what exactly do you think you’re trying to pull here?”

  “Pull?” O’Donnel was genuinely puzzled. “I’m not trying to ‘pull’ anything. We’re simply taking command of the situation.”

  “By what authority?”

  “Oh, come now, Captain. Isn’t it obvious? Dealing with a new alien race, particularly one which is potentially hostile, is much more in the Army’s line than the Legion’s.”

  “I don’t think it’s all that obvious.”

  “Do you mean to say you think …”

  “In fact,” the Legion commander continued, raising his voice slightly to cut off the major’s protests, “what’s obvious to me is that the Legion has been contracted to protect Haskin’s citizens from whatever dwells in or comes out of these swamps, and that you and your force, Major, are interfering with our operation. Now, while I appreciate your offer of help, and would love nothing better than discussing military protocol with you, we’re rather busy at the moment. Would you kindly take your force and retire?”

  “You want authority?” O’Donnel said tightly, fighting to control his temper. “All right. I’ll play your game. Pass me one of your communicators and I’ll get authorization for you.”

  “I’m sorry, Major. Our communication network is for Legion personnel only. I’m afraid you’ll have to hike back to the settlement to find and open—”