by Bella Andre
It was long past time to shift the conversation to what they’d done together the night before. It might feel easier in the short term just to ignore it, but she couldn’t let it fester between them—and he obviously didn’t want that either, since he’d brought it up earlier.
“About last night—”
He held up a hand. “I can’t apologize enough for what I did.”
Frustration ate at her. Didn’t he see that she’d been a totally willing partner in their lovemaking? And that he hadn’t coerced her into anything?
In a deliberately measured voice, she said, “As I mentioned before, it wasn’t just you. I’m the one who kissed you first last night. And I won’t regret what we did.” A muscle jumped in his jaw as he listened, and she had to wonder if he might be equally frustrated. “In any case,” she made herself continue, “I want to reassure you that what happened between us hasn’t changed anything about my dedication to Noah or this job.”
He looked distinctly uncomfortable. “I know you’d never walk away from us.” He grimaced as if he’d said the wrong thing. “From Noah, I mean. And I’m the one who needs to reassure you. You should know how much I want you to be Noah’s nanny. Last night didn’t change that.”
She swallowed hard, working to keep her emotions leashed as she nodded to let him know she understood. Last night he’d told her how much he wanted her, and not just for his son. Twenty-four hours later, they were back to square one.
The only square they were allowed to stand in, it seemed.
The silence lay heavily between them before he finally broke it. “It’s late. I should let you go to bed.” The word alone hung unspoken in the air. “Good night, Ari.”
She’d known from the start that fantasies were all she could ever have, so she made herself say, “Good night, Matt,” and walk away.
* * *
Matt poured himself another finger of scotch. He didn’t need it, but if he didn’t do something with his hands and mouth, he’d follow Ari upstairs and put them all over her.
He couldn’t believe he’d told her about Natural Born Killers. What the hell must she think of him now, after Irene had descended like a phantom of all that could go wrong—and then he’d started spilling about his parents?
It had been his birthday. Matt had wanted to see The Mask with Jim Carrey. He remembered sitting in that movie theater with his parents, his eyes squeezed shut against all the blood, the casual death, and he’d actually been ashamed. His dad had punched his arm hard when he realized Matt’s eyes were closed, and hissed, “I’m not wasting all that money on a movie for you to sit there with your eyes closed, ya little weenie.” His father continued to pinch him every time he thought Matt’s eyes were closed.
Sissy. Weenie. You could learn a lesson here about sticking up for yourself.
And while his mother hadn’t said a word, she’d closed her eyes during all the gore too.
She’d died of cancer a couple of years ago. He’d paid for her care, her hospital bills, and for the house payments after his father’s death—but she’d never asked Matt’s forgiveness for the role she’d played in his upbringing. A mother’s job was to protect her children, but she hadn’t even tried. She’d never even asked to meet Noah. On her deathbed, she’d laid claim to turning Matt into the man he was—how everything they’d said, everything they’d done had toughened him up, prepared him for life, for success.
But the only thing they’d prepared him for was survival. He’d somehow managed to survive his parents, but it was Susan and Bob who’d prepared him for life, who’d hugged him the way his parents never had. After that birthday, he’d stayed at Daniel’s more frequently. He’d never actually moved in—his father would never let him go—but more often than not, he was underfoot at the Spencers’. And the Mavericks had become his family.
He was blessed to have Noah and the Mavericks and Susan and Bob. He’d betrayed not only Ari’s trust by taking her to bed, he’d also betrayed his family’s trust in him to do the right thing.
What’s more, Ari was sweet, kind, and so good for Noah. So no matter how badly Matt wanted her, he couldn’t afford to lose her by crossing that line with her.
Ever again.
Chapter Thirteen
Sunday was Cookie’s day off, as well as Ari’s. But instead of heading out right away to see her friends, Ari ate breakfast with Matt and Noah.
“Can I break the eggs?” Noah was asking Matt at the stove as Ari pushed through the swinging door.
“I don’t want you to get too close to the stove in case the bacon fat spits on you. Why don’t you sit at the counter with Ari?”
Noah climbed up beside her, and she pushed the pitcher to him so he could pour himself a glass of juice. She half expected Matt to say the juice pitcher was too heavy for him. Noah clearly wanted to help, and he could have broken the eggs without getting anywhere near the bacon. But Matt tended to be overly cautious.
She chatted with Noah about his favorite cartoon, while Matt drained the bacon and scrambled the eggs. Then he finally sat at the counter beside them.
“Do you have big plans for the day?” he asked in a voice that was far too polite, especially considering how intimate they’d been.
She told herself she’d eventually get used to it. After her heart mended.
But not only were they acting as if Friday’s lovemaking had never happened, Noah didn’t say a word about his mother either, as though there’d been no visit from Irene yesterday. Ari had even removed the bandage from his forehead. New day, new attitude. If it didn’t feel right that they were all shoving too much under the rug…well, Ari shoved that feeling under the rug too.
“I’m going to visit Rosie and Jorge.”
“Jorge’s fun,” Noah said as he pushed his scrambled eggs around his plate as though he were excavating.
“Sounds like a great day.”
She hated how forced Matt’s smile seemed. God, any minute now they’d start talking about the weather.
“What about you two?” she asked.
Matt looked at Noah. “We’ll figure something out. Whatever we do, at least we’ve got great weather, don’t we?”
She barely held in her wince at his mention of the weather as Noah nodded, then shoveled his eggs onto his fork and chewed with big bites.
She wanted to make suggestions for them. And she wanted to go with them. But she wasn’t family—she was just the nanny.
After finishing her eggs, she laid her napkin on the table. “Thanks for breakfast. Can I help with the dishes?”
Matt waved her offer away. “Don’t worry. I’ll handle it. Enjoy your day.”
When he didn’t ask her to change her plans to hang out with them instead, a sharp pang in her chest said she wasn’t totally in control of her dreams. All those times she’d let go of foster families or old boyfriends hadn’t actually been all that hard. But with Matt…
She sighed. After they’d made love, after he’d made her feel like she mattered, it turned out that letting Matt go wasn’t easy at all.
Get a grip, Ari. After all, she’d walked into his arms with her eyes wide open, hadn’t she?
She kissed the top of Noah’s head and forced herself to smile at Matt as she waved good-bye. In the huge garage, as she unlocked the door of her ancient car, the shiny frame of Noah’s bicycle caught her eye, the training wheels on the back. Behind it was the mountain bike.
She needed a distraction to take her mind off her one and only night with Matt. And Noah needed a distraction to take his mind off his mom. What better way than learning to ride his bike without the training wheels? They could surprise Matt after Noah had mastered it. It might help him reevaluate his position on the water wings or letting Noah help cook breakfast or…heck, any number of things.
And it might end her fixation on how seductively her sexy boss kissed. Because she needed to concentrate on being the best nanny Noah had ever had. Even better than Mary Poppins.
* * *
No question about it, she was worth a beating from his brothers. But it was Susan’s gaze he couldn’t face if she knew he’d taken his nanny to bed, abusing the trust of his employee.
“So, buddy, what shall we do today?”
“The zoo.” A pout hinted on Noah’s mouth.
Ari had mentioned Irene’s broken promise. There were obviously residual effects of her casual thoughtlessness.
“I haven’t been to the zoo in ages.” He always tried to do something fun with Noah on their weekends together. “I heard about a great place close by from a guy at work. With a puppet theater and a petting zoo. You can even talk to the parrots. How does that sound?”
“Fun!” Noah’s eyes bugged with excitement.
“I just need to drop off some work papers on the way, okay?”
Half an hour later, they were in the car. Doreen had the day off, and he enjoyed driving Noah himself. He had the guilty thought that it would have been so damn sweet with Ari beside him, leaning between the seats to inspire Noah with endless questions or comments, teaching him with everything she said and did.
Wending their way through surface streets to reach the San Jose office, Noah chattered about school, the mummy museum, meeting Ari’s friend and her son. He was glad Noah was distracted, because the neighborhood wasn’t the best. He was pretty sure he saw a drug deal going down in an alleyway, and an inappropriately dressed lady attempting to attract business, even on a Sunday morning.
He’d seen worse in his old Chicago neighborhood. A stabbing or a shooting on a Friday night was common. But when Noah came along, he’d realized the true importance of having made it out of that life. His mission was to make sure his son never lived the kind of childhood Matt had, the kind of life all the Mavericks had experienced. If not for Susan and Bob, he didn’t know where they’d all be. The Mavericks were his blood brothers. But Susan and Bob had been their heart.
Turning a corner, he almost hit the brakes. Golden-blond hair, skinny jeans, and an innately sensual walk that stopped his heart—he’d know that rear view anywhere.
What the hell was Ari doing here?
She stopped at a corner apartment building, its flaking paint faded to gray and the awning ready to fall off its struts. His foot unconsciously lifted off the accelerator, and the car slowed as she opened the outer door and disappeared inside.
This was where her friend lived?
This was where she’d brought Noah?
It couldn’t be. She’d vowed to keep his son safe, and he trusted her to keep that promise. Ari wouldn’t bring Noah here. So what was up? Had she lied about where she was going? Maybe she planned to meet up with a man instead of her friends.
After what they’d done Friday night, Matt’s mind twisted imagining another man’s hands on her, another man’s lips covering hers…
“Daddy?”
Damn it. He’d stopped paying attention to Noah. “Yeah, buddy?”
“Do parrots bite?”
“We’ll find out today.” His son was priority number one, not what had happened with Ari the other night. But he still couldn’t strip the image of her with another man from his mind—or the jealousy that knifed deep into his gut.
Because even if he couldn’t have her now, for one perfect night Ari had been his.
* * *
Noah adored the puppet theater, and he’d gone back to the petting zoo three times, hunkering down to stroke his hands along the goats’ sides. They learned that parrots could bite and their beaks had tremendous pressure per square inch. Matt approved of how carefully the docent handled both the birds and the kids surrounding them. When the talking parrot repeated what Noah said, he giggled, his hands over his mouth. By the end of the day, they’d vanquished Irene’s ghost completely—at least until the next time she dropped in to stir things up. Happy, laughing, joyful Noah chattered all the way home.
“We have to tell Ari about the llamas, Daddy.” Matt had lifted him up to pet them.
That had been Noah’s refrain all day long: We have to tell Ari.
It was impossible to stop thinking of her when Noah clearly wished she had been with them too.
If Irene was the specter…Ari was the dream.
A dream Matt couldn’t let himself have. Not just because she was his son’s nanny, but also because he didn’t have anything to offer her beyond wild, beautiful, fabulous sex. Matt didn’t have what it took to cement a real relationship that would last, not after Irene or a childhood like his. He could still see Ari’s horror when he’d told her about Natural Born Killers.
It was close to dinnertime, and Matt stopped for takeout pizza. The closer they got to home, the faster his heart beat with anticipation for the mere sight of her car parked in the garage.
Damn it, he had it crazy bad for her.
They found Ari in the kitchen, the refrigerator door open as she surveyed the contents. He’d told her she was free to indulge in anything available.
God, how he wanted to indulge in her.
No. He needed to keep his perspective. Needed to remember that their night together had been a mistake.
But when Noah rushed to her, and she closed the fridge and knelt to hear a blow-by-blow replay of everything he’d seen, all with a child’s wonder, Matt’s heart blossomed watching her with his son.
She was the caregiver he’d always wanted. The others had been too stern or too lax, too standoffish or too uninvolved. One had adored the luxury of his house, using it like her own mansion when he wasn’t home, hosting pool parties for her girlfriends. Another had designs on moving permanently into his bed. But to all, Noah had been merely a job.
To Ari, Matt’s son was a special person who deserved all her attention.
“I brought pizza.” He held up the box. “There’s enough for you to join us if you’d like.”
“Thanks.” She smiled at him as she grabbed plates and napkins, poured milk for Noah, then got sodas for him and herself. Lord, what her smile did to him. So much.
Too much.
They sat at the kitchen bar, and as soon as she took her first bite, she moaned, “Oh my God, this is good.” Then she scooped up a string of cheese and licked it off her finger.
Matt’s body went into hyperdrive—and his mind went to places no man’s thoughts should go when his son was sitting so close.
“Did you have a good time with your friends today?” Matt hoped he sounded conversational rather than desperately hooked on her.
“Jorge and Rosie were great. Our friend Chi stopped by too, which was a nice surprise.”
She didn’t appear guilty, as if she’d been holed up in a filthy, run-down apartment with her secret boyfriend all afternoon. And yet jealousy—and concern—still ran rampant in his head.
Noah shoved his last bite of pizza into his mouth, then scrambled down from his seat. “Let’s see a movie, Daddy. Ari.” He clapped his hands. “The LEGO Movie!”
“More Legos?”
“Yes!” He raced off, expecting them to follow.
“Have you ever taken him to LEGOLAND?”
“No.” He grinned. “But only because he’d want me to leave him there. Forever.”
By the time they entered the great room, Noah had the TV on and the movie queued up on streaming. He threw himself down onto a big bean bag he’d pulled in front of the TV. “You can come down here with me, Ari.” He waved his arm at her.
“Actually, Ari and I need to do some adult talk while you’re watching.”
Noah harrumphed
like a disappointed old man, but he settled in for the movie. Ari sat in the center of the sectional couch near the window, and though Matt wanted her next to him—as close as she could get—he forced himself to sit on the other side of the L-shaped couch.
“Did something happen today?” Ari kept her voice low. “Something about his mom again?”
“No. He didn’t even mention her.” He didn’t want Ari to think he was some crazy stalker, but he also didn’t want it to come up later that he’d seen her in town and hadn’t told her. “I saw you on our way to the park. I had to take a detour into San Jose to drop off some papers. It wasn’t the best part of town.”
“Oh.” She picked up a pillow and curled her arms around it, her legs pulled up, her feet bare, her toes colored with red polish. He couldn’t stop the thought that she’d curled herself around him just like that less than forty-eight hours ago.
“I know you were visiting your friend, but the building didn’t look exactly…” He searched for the least offensive word. “Safe. If you want Noah to visit your friend and her son, it would be better to have Doreen bring them here.”
“Rosie’s place is in Willow Glen. She rents a cottage from a little old lady, and it’s really nice. There’s a park nearby too.” She breathed deep. “Where you saw me…that’s my apartment. The rent’s really cheap, and if things don’t work out here, I need to have someplace to go back to.”
She lived in that neighborhood? Horror rose in his throat. Terrible things happened in neighborhoods like that. He’d grown up in one. He hated the thought of her ever being there. Did Daniel know?
“You don’t have to worry that I’ll fire you.”
But he was her employer, and he’d slept with her, and then in the morning he’d told her it was a huge mistake. No wonder she had a fallback plan, given that most guys in his position would probably can her just to make things easier on themselves.
“It’s not because of what happened between us,” she said softly. “I just learned early on that I need a place to go. Just in case. And also…” She hesitated, then suddenly rushed on as if she had to get the words out before she rethought them. “My brother, Gideon, might come looking for me. I’ve been sending out letters and emails trying to find him. And that’s the address I use.”