He hissed through his teeth and continued to glower at me but I glowered the hell right back at him.
“Christ babe, I just….fuck!”
“Go” I whispered because by now my hurt was starting to ride the anger and I was desperate he wouldn’t see my tears. I wouldn’t give him that.
A lone tear tracked my face.
Okay maybe I would give him a little.
“Babe…” he whispered as his fingers reached for the tear but I turned away and closed my eyes; turned away from the heartache in his eyes and closed my eyes to the despair on his face.
I didn’t breathe until the door shut behind him.
Then I went and fucked myself right up!
***
The darkness was oblivion.
The light? Not so much.
Oh God it hurt. It hurt way too much this time. I couldn’t hold back the vomit as it erupted forcibly from me as my cheek squashed against the filth of the dorm carpet.
The darkness was oblivion.
The light was back.
A mumbled scream from somewhere that made me groan.
It still smarted, the agony tore through me everywhere; it was too soon E, way too soon!
The darkness was oblivion.
“E”
“E”
The light returned.
“Cam?”
I didn’t want to move. I couldn’t move. But I felt myself lifted before a scream tore through me.
So sore, so damn sore.
“Ssshhh sweetheart.”
“Boss?”
The darkness was oblivion.
Christ almighty. I wanted to scream. The pain was torturous and I cringed as every nerve ending in my body loathed me.
I swallowed back the bile as I opened my eyes and squinted against the brightness of the room.
I was laid on my stomach with my face turned sideways on a crisp linen pillow, my back was open to the air of the room but it didn’t ease the agony.
Where the hell was I?
I closed my eyes again and groaned…and groaned again.
“E?”
“Mmmm” I mumbled to Cam but refused to open my eyes to the brightness.
I felt him beside me even if I didn’t see him. I felt his hot breath as he closed in and kissed my cheek.
That was surprising. I was expecting his wrath.
“How you feeling?” he asked softly as his hand palmed my cheek gently.
“Not so good” I wheezed.
I could feel his pain in the air. Its potency made it physical and my heart broke at the distress I’d caused him.
“I’m so sorry Cam” I choked out. “I…I…I don’t think I’m doing so well” I admitted.
There! It was said! It was out there, wide open and willing to be dissected and the weight that lifted from my shoulders with those few words was immense.
“No, I don’t think you are either E.”
I nodded; I couldn’t do much else. “I love him Cam.”
They came then, with the words, the racking sobs that tore through each and every part of my soul along with the devastation that ripped straight through the tenderness of my already frayed heart.
I loved him.
Simple.
No, not so simple.
I had to bury my face in the cold hospital pillow and cry because I’d made such a mess of my back that Cam couldn’t hold me. He couldn’t comfort me and it tore him to shreds.
“Christ E” Was all he said but he sat, sat and listened, sat and devoured all my pain, just sat and waited and took every damn piece of my misery.
CHAPTER 18
Two days later I rubbed my eyes in exhaustion as I listened to the nurse rattle on about the need to attend each of my psychiatrist appointments and the horrors of misdosing my medication but I nodded in the right places and smiled when I wasn’t sure what reaction was needed.
“An appointment has been made with Mr Trayson for next Monday, Eve. A confirmation letter will be sent to your address.”
I nodded dutifully.
“You must ring this number immediately should you feel the need to harm yourself before Mr Trayson’s appointment.”
I smiled politely.
“If you have any other queries regarding your bandages or medications Eve, then don’t hesitate to contact us.”
I mumbled a ‘Yes’.
Boss rolled his eyes behind her.
I stifled a laugh.
Cam elbowed Boss.
Boss shoulder barged Cam.
Cam glared.
I rolled my eyes.
I stood staring with concern at Boss’s van, wondering how the hell I was going to climb in without splitting my back open again.
Boss’s hands gently circled my waist before he smoothly lifted me and placed me in the seat.
Could I love this man anymore?
“Thank you” I whispered with a small smile, a hint of shame sending a blush up my neck and onto my face.
“No sweat hot stuff” he winked and closed the door. Cam rested a reassuring hand on my thigh whilst Boss stashed my bags in the back of the van.
I turned my gaze through the window as I plucked up the courage to tell him.
When Boss climbed in beside us, I inhaled deeply and kept my face turned out to the roadside. “I’m not going back to the halls” I told them both whilst bracing myself internally.
“What? Where do you want dropping then hot stuff?”
I swallowed heavily “The train station.”
Silence.
“What? Why?” Cam stuttered and I bit into my lower lip a little too harshly but swallowed it back and kept going.
“I’m going home.”
Silence.
More Silence.
Very painful Silence.
“Stop the van!” Cam said so quietly I wondered if I’d heard him correctly. Obviously Boss didn’t hear him because he continued driving at his regular 160Mph.
“STOP THE FUCKING VAN!!!”
Okay, here we go!
Boss slammed on the brakes so hard I had to put my hand out to stop my head bouncing off the windscreen.
They both turned to look at me; both glaring but only one knew the reason why my decision was such a horrific choice.
But I needed to go. I couldn’t be near Jax. I couldn’t sit back and watch him love somebody other than me. Couldn’t watch them be…together.
“You go back and we’re done E.” The wrath Cam emitted made my bones ache.
“I have to Cam, I can’t…I need to get better and I can’t do that…here.”
He laughed, a bitter manic laugh. “And you’re gonna get better around…them?”
Sucking on my lips, I turned to look at him. The distress he wore crushed my lungs but I grit my teeth and nodded.
“I have to Cam” I answered softly, desperately trying to communicate with my eyes.
“Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!! I’m gonna kill that bastard” he banged the dashboard so hard I was sure I heard it crack.
His anguish brought a tear free and I grabbed his hand but he shook me off, clambered over the top of me and flung himself out of the van, giving me one last pained look before he shook his head sadly, wiped a tear from his cheek and walked away.
Boss’s hand slipped into mine so softly it broke my heart. “You wanna tell me why he doesn’t want you to go home?”
His voice was so soothing and calm that I found myself opening up to him.
“My mother…my Mom…” I used the heel of my hand to wipe away my tears but Boss remained silent and patient, just waiting for me to proceed. “My mom has an extreme drug addiction.”
He nodded gently and I raised my blurry eyes to his.
I trusted him unreservedly. I knew he was my friend and I knew he loved me like I loved him.
“She gets me to…to pleasure her dealer for her drugs.”
He nodded slowly but I noticed his adams apple bob about wildly as his teeth clenched together so seve
rely I heard them crack under the pressure.
He swallowed before he spoke. “And why…why do you need to go…back?”
The struggle in his voice made my heart bleed and I squeezed his hand. “I’ll be okay” I told him softly.
He scrunched up his face and shook his head “You see hot stuff…I don’t think you will be.”
Chewing my bottom lip to within an inch of its life I nodded despondently. “I have to be Boss. I have nowhere else to go” I whispered sadly.
I really didn’t have anywhere else to go. How shit was that realisation!
His pained eyes found mine as his hand cupped my cheek “You don’t go back there E. I know why you can’t stay here but you can’t go back there sweetheart.”
I smiled softly but shook my head faintly.
“I have a cottage in Cornwall, well my folks do. You can go stay there for as long as you need to.” He offered.
“What? I can’t do that Boss” I argued shaking my head wildly.
He took both of my hands in his and his eyes pierced mine. “You can and you will E. You need to mend sweetheart and I know you won’t do that here or at home. But if anything E, I’m gonna make it my fucking mission to fix you cos’ you’re one hell of a girl and I need that girl back sweetheart. I need that girl rockin’ her pretty little ass right beside me.”
Oh Christ!
I nodded firmly through my tears. “Okay” I managed to choke out.
“Right, we have a small diversion to my folk’s house and then we’ll get your stuff and get you on that train hot stuff.”
He started the engine again and pulled away from the curb.
***
“Did he show you the song?” Boss asked me quietly as we sat on the platform bench waiting for way train to arrive.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
His eyes found mine as his finger tapped his thigh with his nerves “I know right now you hate every single hair on that thick bastard head of his, but promise me while you’re away you’ll think about still doing it.”
I sighed heavily “I dunno Boss.”
He took my hand and squeezed “E, when you got up on that stage last week, something…something came alive in you E, something deep down in you roared to life and fuck, it was fucking mesmerizing to watch it unfold. You’re ace out there sweetheart…it’s you E and by god you rocked every fucking soul in that room.”
I smiled and blushed at his compliment and took another breath “All I can promise is that I’ll think about it.”
His smile lit my heart. “That’s all I ask sweetheart.”
“The 09.38 Huddersfield to St Ives is now arriving on platform 3”
“That’s me.”
Boss nodded firmly and pulled me in tightly “God E. You need to beat this hot stuff. Promise me…”
I nodded tightly, refusing to let my tears flow. “I promise” I whispered hoarsely as I leant in to kiss his cheek.
His hand gripped mine and he squeezed tightly before he nodded once, turned and walked away.
I watched him walk away before I picked up my case, took a deep breath and boarded the train.
CHAPTER 19
“For Christ’s sake Kellan” I grumbled as I powered down my kindle. “What the hell is wrong with these bloody Rock God’s?”
Still shaking my head to myself I walked across the patio and entered the rustic little kitchen.
It was absolute heaven here. A small but adequate thatched cottage right on the heart of the Cornish coastline, which I had instantly fell in love with as soon as I had turned the key three weeks ago.
After managing to postpone my out-patient appointment and procure a sickness declaration from the hospital, I had arranged with university to take a four week medical absence and I was deeply indebted to Boss or rather Boss’s parents for letting me stay here.
I was due to go back the following Monday, just three days away, but for now I was still making the most of the peaceful resort.
I had become good friends with a guy who was renting the holiday cottage next to mine.
Evan and I had discovered we had a lot in common from our love of rock music to the wonders of beer and coffee and we’d had some pretty heated discussions over a few bottles of beer and a barbeque.
Our friendship was purely platonic and we were so comfortable in each other’s company we found ourselves chilled out in pyjamas most of the time, movie on the TV and a pizza delivery to devour.
I had splashed out on a new tattoo.
‘We accept the love we think we deserve’ now embellished the inside of my left thigh. I adored it and I thought the words described my life to a ‘T’.
Evan had accompanied me and I had managed to talk him into receiving his own and I’d been honoured when he’d had a replica of my neck tattoo inked onto the nape of his.
Our friendship was sealed.
My phone rang from atop the kitchen table and I grit my teeth as I peeked at the display.
Jax had been bombarding me with texts and calls, all asking where the hell I was.
I had been grateful to Boss and Cam for keeping that nugget of information to themselves, knowing that once he knew where I was, he would be storming through the door saying ‘The fuck babe?’ in that low growl of his.
I had managed to reach quite a few decisions in my convalescence and I hoped I would be strong enough to see them through. I needed to be strong enough.
I had had some small yearnings for the whip but Evan had dragged me up and hauled my ass to the nearest pub or along the nastiest hiking trail he could find, whenever he saw my fists and teeth clench.
I was slowly but surely picking myself up, and to be honest I was damn proud of myself.
I had opened up to Evan one drunken night. Told him about my compulsion with pain and then I had told him about Jax.
He had sat, listened and then comforted me but then he had told me in no uncertain terms that I was here to relax and recuperate and would talk no more of these things while I was here.
They were the wisest words I had heard for a long time.
“Hot Stuff!” Boss greeted me when I answered my phone.
A grin erupted on my face at the sound of his voice. He was slowly becoming one of my best friends and I loved him immensely for all the support he had given me over the previous three weeks. He had never missed a daily call and I found myself looking forward to hearing his voice every day.
“Hey baby.”
“I have news E.”
I crossed my fingers and closed my eyes as I waited for his words. Room 103 had been approached the previous week from an industry scout about their involvement in a huge outdoor festival in a few months and they were currently waiting on confirmation that they would be listed as an act in the upcoming band listing announcement.
If they made it, it would mean big things for the group that had captured my heart and I found myself sick with waiting for news.
“We’re in!”
My silence brought forward his laughter and a single tear from my eye.
“Oh. My. God. Boss!”
“I know E. We. Are. Fucking. In. Baby.”
I laughed, cried and screamed simultaneously just as Evan walked through the door.
He lifted his eyebrows and I nodded. His own grin was bright and wide and he didn’t even know the people who had become my family, only what I had told him about them.
“GRATZ” he shouted through my phone.
Boss returned his thanks. “Jesus Boss. Room 103 are gonna be so fucking hot. You’ll have groupies hanging from your balls baby.”
He laughed hard “It’s my dick they need to hang from hot stuff, not my balls.”
I returned his laughter.
“Listen sweetheart…”
I pursed my lips at the start of his question but hung on to his words “You thought about what I asked you?”
I knew he would ask and I’d really expected it sooner than this to be truthful.
“I
have” I answered. His silence was my encouragement to continue.
“I will.”
I heard him suck in a breath “Then you’re all the way with us baby.”
My eyes widened when I realised what he was saying “Oh Shit Boss. I don’t think I can…”
“Yes you fucking can and you fucking are. You will rock that field E and you’ll blow the fucking roof off the place.”
Well, what could I say to that! Apart from fields don’t have roofs.
“Okay” I squeaked.
***
“So E. You thought about what’s gonna happen when you get back?” Evan glanced at me as we dug our toes into the sand, both of us building little caves over each toe.
“Some” I answered evasively. He nodded but left it alone.
He sighed wearily and suddenly grabbed my hand. I ignored the pained expression on his face because it matched my own. “I’m gonna miss you” he whispered as he twisted my thumb ring around.
I nodded, blinking back tears.
Evan was returning home to London in a few hours and I was both relishing the thought of having my final days alone and hating the thought of him gone.
“You know, you can always come and visit E. Anytime. Anytime you’re feeling…” he shrugged, a slight blush creeping up his neck.
I smiled and squeezed his hand “And you know I expect you at that festival.”
Shocking Heaven Page 12