Legends of Tarthirious: The Complete Collection

by Zachariah Dracoulis

  “Play in a bottle.” Viti said proudly, “I just pluck a few elements from your life and give a little bit of suggestion once you’re out of it and tada! Play in a bottle. Does that clear things up? Can you tell me what you think now?”

  And I was stuck in a conversation loop, pointless things that rarely happened but were always the same, pick the right question or constantly have each response end with ‘Can I be of further assistance?’, ‘Have you found the treasure?’, or ‘Oh God! Oh God! Why is my baby riding a dragon!?’

  So annoying.

  “I thought it was…” I snarled at myself and looked at my feet, it’d annoyed me, there was no denying that, but it was a perfectly good show, and really quite intuitive. Besides, I was sure I was going to get a really good reward if I played my cards right. “I thought it was really great, and I’d love to see it again sometime.” I said with the phoniest smile possible.

  “Afraid that’s not possible, one off type thing you see. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

  I bit back another angry remark and gave a polite nod, “Well… thank you for letting me experience the unique event.”

  “You’re most welcome.” he said with a proud smile. “Now, shall we discuss payment?”

  I gave him a confused angry look, “Pardon?”

  “Payment, for the show. Obviously. Fifty gold pieces ought to do it.”

  Progress made in mission: Flarb Blarb Bimblethwart.

  Objective completed: Give Constructive Feedback.

  Objective added: Pay Viti.

  “Yeah… No. Not doing that.” I said before swiftly equipping and drawing my bow in one motion, and loosing three arrows into the gnome’s head.

  He gawked at me for a few seconds, swaying on the spot, before collapsing in a heap on the ground, a small pool of blood collecting under his head.

  Mission Failed: Flarb Blarb Bimblethwart.

  “What is wrong with you!?” Gerry shouted as I pulled the arrows from Viti’s head.

  Acquired 3 Steel Arrows: Damage: 7.

  Equipped 3 Steel Arrows.

  Quiver: 7 Steel Arrows.

  “What’d you expect from me? The bastard gave us psychotropic drugs, wasted our time, then demanded payment for it. I don’t see how you could think that’s unreasonable.”

  I started wandering through the house, leaving the gnome to rot in the sitting room, in search of whatever valuables he might have.

  “We could’ve at least gotten the XP, now we just stuck with a dead gnome and a failed mission on our records.”

  “Guess we’ll just have to complete two more to even it out then.” I said offhandedly as I tossed over the bedroom, finding only useless trinkets and a few pairs of tiny shoes.

  He had every right to be upset, a failed mission isn’t exactly a great thing to have on your resume, but I wasn’t willing to give up that much gold just so I might get a little bit of XP. Besides, gnomes almost always had a chest full of cool stuff, and him being dead made it a million times easier to liberate the items.

  “Still though, did you have to kill him?” Gerry asked, finally buckling down and helping me search.

  “No, but it certainly alleviated that kill urge I’ve had lately.”

  Gerry gave me a concerned look, but I paid it no mind, having just moved a conspicuously rug in the front hallway to reveal a trapdoor.

  Oh, how I love trapdoors.

  Armelia: Chapter 6

  The ladder under the trapdoor turned out to go well over a hundred feet into the ground, entombing us in darkness once we were twenty down, the trapdoor slamming shut above us of its own accord.

  “Tits. What do we do now?” I asked when we reached the bottom and it became clear that there were definitely no lights in Viti’s Hel-hole.

  “Go back and grab a torch?”

  I rolled my eyes, then remembered he couldn’t see me, “Sure, you go ahead and climb all the way back up and I’ll wait here.”

  “Don’t get catty, it was just a suggestio-”

  “Well it was a bloody stupid one, wasn’t it?” I snapped.

  I wasn’t trying to be a bitch, really, but my eyes were starting to lose focus and, as a result, I was getting a horrendous headache. The worst part was that we hadn’t even finished one quest, let alone found any loot.

  But it wasn’t fair of me to put that on him, a fact that I recognised a little too late.

  I gave a sigh and looked at the ground, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. We’ve just been on for hours and it’s starting to wear a bit thin, but at the same time I don’t want to stop because then it’d have been a complete waste of time, but if we keep going there’s a chance we’re going to waste even more time, and-”

  “It’s fine,” he said genuinely, “really, I get it. I know it’s been a rough day, and I know it seems like we’re going nowhere, but that’s how it always feels right before you get a big break.”

  I smiled weakly and looked up to roughly where I thought he was, “Thank you. That means a lot. But we’re still in a pitch-black room without a torch.”

  There were a few seconds of silence, then Gerry snapped his fingers like he’d just come up with an idea, but instead of words coming out of his mouth I watched as tiny fireballs shot all around us, lighting torches all around us.

  Grand Gerry the Good cast Illumination.

  “How did you do that?” I asked in wonderment.

  “Just assumed there’d be torches dow-nope!” he exclaimed as he clapped his hands together, all the torches immediately fizzling out in response.

  Grand Gerry the Good cast Dim.

  “Why’d you go and do that?”

  “I think we should leave, right now. Before right now would be better, maybe even a bit before tha-”

  “Oh Gods, would you just shut up and tell me what you’re so afraid of?”

  “Minotaurs.” he whispered.

  I almost laughed at him, “A minotaur? We can handle a minotaur, ‘specially if you can see him.”

  “Sss. Minotaursss.”

  My eyes widened. Normally they travel solo, and even then they’re not all that easy, unless you have more in your party, then you can just confuse the crap out of them until they’re dead.

  “How many?” I asked, trying to keep my cool.

  “Si-” he stopped the high pitch squeal that he was eliciting with the word and cleared his throat, “Six.”

  I gulped audibly and started nodding in fear, “Right right right…” I repeated that a fair few times as if it would save me, “what do we do?”

  “We leave.”

  ‘Eh! Wrong answer. We fight like heroes.’ is what I wanted to say, but what came out was more along the lines of “No run chicky-meister, let’s turn this place uuup.”

  I was very nervous.

  “What?” Gerry asked, understandably confused.

  I shook free the confusing cobwebs in my mouth and started again, “This is the first fight we’ve had all night, let’s get into it. And if he’s got minotaurs down here, who’s to tell what else he’s got.”

  Gerry muttered “Probably wraiths.” then sighed, “Fine, you’re right. Let’s get horribly murdered by big, horned maze-monsters.”

  Grand Gerry the Good cast Illumination.

  I spun around, dropping to my knee in the process, drew an arrow and loosed the second the first of the eight foot beasts turned his attention to us, catching it right between the eyes and earning me a Critical Hit! but no kill.

  +1 Archery Skill.

  Progress: 14/100.

  +10 XP.

  Progress: 815/2500.

  You have attacked a pack of minotaurs.

  6x Level 25 Minotaurs, HP: 850/850.

  Minotaur discovered.

  Journal entry made.

  It was a tight space, ten-by-ten metres meaning we had to be quick on our feet. Gerry and I shot back into separate corners of the room and waited for them to charge, something that the minotaurs were clearly reticent about.

/>   For a while we continued eyeing each other off, but no one was willing to move. I cursed myself and darted forward to the minotaurs’ side of the room, backing myself into a corner and waiting until the one who I’d shot to decide I was worth the effort to move.

  He, identified by the barely visible low hanging fruit under his loincloth, lumbered toward me despite his natural ability to move like a coked-up cheetah. I wasn’t complaining about the slower approach though, and when he got close enough I ran back to my original corner and started shooting at him, hitting him twice in the chest.

  The creature was less than amused, taking great offense at my attacks and picking up some speed, “Now would be a great time for you to help me out!” I yelled over to Gerry once I hit the other wall and claustrophobia started to set in.

  The minotaur had almost reached me when a massive collection of vines flicked and whipped their way across the room and pinned it to the wall and then going a bit further, encasing it in dirt and stone.

  I snapped my attention back to the others who were all still standing there, fuming, but holding their ground. Even after watching their brother become a part of the structure they refused to move.

  “The loot!” Gerry shouted excitedly, “They’re guarding the loot.”

  As soon as he’d opened his mouth I’d come to the same conclusion, but decided to let him have that one and look surprised, “Good call, light ‘em up!”

  Gerry didn’t need to be told twice to start setting the presently non-violent creatures alight, making me think that perhaps the ‘the Good’ should’ve been removed from his name.

  After the minotaurs dropped below half health they started to show signs of actual anger, a few even going as far as to get into position to charge, but it wasn’t until they started hitting 30% that they moved though, and boy did they move.

  I emptied my quiver on them, dropping a single one, barely, leaving me defenceless. Wasn’t really a problem though, they were all far more pissed with Gerry, so I spent most of my time darting around the room to sort of corral them back to his flamethrower of doom.

  It was all going really quite well, until I heard Gerry scream “I’m out of mana!”

  “How!?” I shouted back, a minotaur deciding it wanted to try its luck with me.

  “Because I don’t have an infinite supply!? Why don’t you use that spell of yours!?” His voice came at me from all directions as he ran around, narrowly dodging the charging heads of the four very alive ‘maze-monsters’, making it more than a little difficult to piece together exactly what he’d said.

  “You mean Ky-Len’s heal? Sure, let’s bring the gnome’s house down on our heads! Great idea! Just build up your bloody mana again and burn ‘em!”

  “It’s not regenerating!”

  I crouched and rolled under a minotaur just in time to make it hit its friend behind me, “What do you mean!?”

  “I don’t know! It’s just not coming back at all!”

  We were proper fucked, I was sure of it. Some kind of enchantment must’ve been messing with Gerry’s mana, and I really didn’t want to see what that meant for our health.

  For some reason, that reminded me that we had hands.

  “Punch them!”

  “‘But I need to bleed’!” Gerry joked before seeing my face, “Right… inappropriate timing.”

  The creatures had bugger all health left, and with my constant ducking and weaving I managed to bash them with my bow, stripping away health a point at a time.

  It was slow, but each hit only took a second to perform, and aside from a brief moment where I nearly straight up ran into a wall I was holding my own. That is until I caught myself focusing on the wrong target and, out of nowhere, was collected in the gut by a charging bastard who pinned me to the wall.

  Minotaur used charge.

  Stomach injured.

  150 damage inflicted.

  -5 crushing damage per second.

  HP: 2650/2800.

  “Help…” I almost puked out, the monster seemingly forcing his head deeper into my gut. “Gerry! Help!”

  My arms stopped working and I watched my HP tick down.

  -5 crushing damage.

  HP: 2630/2800.

  I was about to call out again when Gerry leaped heroically through the air, coming down to smash both of his fists into the minotaur’s lower back, making it roar in pain and release me from the wall as it threw its head back and spun to face its new target.

  It wasn’t until I was up off the ground that I could see that the rest of the minotaurs had been taken down, slightly smouldering and recently pummelled by a guy less than half their weight, making me chalk up yet another great reason to have him in my party.

  I composed myself and proceed to slap the last live minotaur across the back with my bow.

  From there it quickly became a game of pissing off the less than intelligent creature by making it constantly change its intended target, I’d whip it a few times, it’d turn to me, then Gerry would crack it over the head and it’d go back.

  After a few taunting seconds the mighty warrior beast fell to its knees in defeat, before collapsing on its face in quite an unceremonious fashion.

  “Well… That was fun.”

  End of Conflict Report:

  Grand Gerry the Good: 4x Level 25 Minotaurs.

  Armelia Fireheart: 2x Level 25 Minotaurs.

  Total experience awarded:

  Grand Gerry the Good: Max Level Reached.

  No Experience Points awarded.

  Armelia Fireheart: +600 XP.

  Progress: 1415/2500.

  Armelia: Chapter 7

  “Aha!” Gerry shouted as he broke off one of the minotaur’s horns. Apparently looting the corpses had finally paid off beyond the bone snatching, “Dampening gem hidden in the horn. That’s what was messing with my magic.”

  I looked up at the shiny blue gem that Gerry held between his fingers in admiration as I stuffed my sixth and final horn into my knapsack.

  Acquired Minotaur Horn: Weight: 3(-3), Value: 120.

  “What’re you going to do with it?” I asked, pulling on my knapsack and crossing the space between us.

  Gerry shrugged, “Probably sell it, don’t really want it near me, has the potential to really mess me up. Chest?”

  I nodded, “Chest.”

  It was huge and gilded, making the container worth a few hundred without its contents.

  I dropped to my knees when we reached it, hooked my fingers under the lid, and threw it open. “My… God…”

  Viti’s Chest contents:

  8 Flawless Sapphires: Weight: 0.5(-0.5), Value: 200.

  2 Flawless Rubies: Weight: 0.5(-0.5), Value: 150.

  Flawless Emerald: Weight: 0.5(-0.5), Value: 500.

  3 Polished Gold Ingots: Weight: 1.5(-1.5), Value: 175.

  Silver Amulet: Weight: 2.5(-2.5), Value: 50.

  5,000 gold.

  “What is it? Is it another piece of parchment, because if it is I swear to-”

  “Look.” I said, stepping away without touching any of it, “Just… look.”

  It was staggering to say the least, I’d have been happy if the total content was worth two thousand. I just couldn’t believe it, and, judging from his ecstatic whoops, neither could Gerry.

  The night had finally paid off in a big way, and though I wasn’t quite ready to logoff, I certainly wouldn’t panic if the net dropped out.

  “I took my half,” Gerry said, only just stopping me from weeping with happiness, “you want to grab yours? I took the ingots and left you with the emerald and the amulet.”

  “Cheers,” I said with a smile as I returned to my knees and started emptying out the chest, “what do you think we should do with this place?”

  Acquired:

  4 Flawless Sapphires: Weight: 0.5(-0.5), Value: 200.

  Flawless Ruby: Weight: 0.5(-0.5), Value: 150.

  Flawless Emerald: Weight: 0.5(-0.5), Value: 500.

  Silver Amulet: Weight
: 2.5(-2.5), Value: 50.

  2,500 gold.

  “You need to heal, yeah? So I was thinking-”

  I shot to my feet with excitement, “Bury it.” I said with a sinister smile.

  “Two peas.” Gerry said, smiling back. “But, if you wouldn’t mind, let’s wait until we’re upstairs.”

  To be perfectly honest I hadn’t thought about that, but decided to pretend with a scoff, “Course, course. Let’s go.”

  I was the first to up, meaning I was the lucky one that got to smash their head into the trapdoor. “Ow.” I said flatly before pushing it open and climbing out and clearing the way for Gerry.

  “Have you got a sword or anything?” I asked as Gerry kicked the door shut behind him.

  He shook his head, “You?”

  “Nah, I’m pretty sure Dillop nicked it.”

  Gerry gave a nod, “Right… I’ll go check the kitchen, you wait here.”

  He was so helpful, and I’m aware that sounds somewhat sarcastic, but it’s the truth. Every little thing that he could help with he would, and nine times out of ten he didn’t need to be told to. He was exactly the same at work.

  I heard him coming around the corner and expected him to give me the knife, which was only sort of what he did.

  He appeared and there was a glint, just for a second, and suddenly I had a knife pinning my left hand to the wall behind me.

  Grand Gerry the Good used knife throw.

  Left hand wounded.

  200 damage.

  -20 bleeding damage per minute.

  HP: 2430/2800.

  “Fucking Hel! Why in the-… Why!?”

  He shrugged as he walked over, “Thought it’d be funny.”

  I gave him a fake laugh then shook my head when I looked back down at my hand, “Bloody idiot.” I muttered as I pulled out the knife and got to work on the symbol, “I’d get outside if I were you. Last time I used this indoors it got kinda… messy.”

  I waited for him to ask what I meant, but instead I just heard the door shut behind me. Didn’t really blame him, he’d seen at least a little of what the sigil could do and was smart enough to know that being right next to it wasn’t the best of plans.

  I got into position to run and then went to press my hand to the sigil, but instead of bending over I dropped into a crouch and had to go through the anxious three seconds it took to stand back up.