Lockhart

by A. E. Murphy

  His bedroom door closes at the same time as my eyes. What the hell have I done? I should never have started this in the first place.

  I roll onto my front and all I can envision and feel is Lockhart’s body against my own. He did warn me he was a bastard. Is this what he meant?

  How on earth am I going to tell him without pissing him off? Or am I thinking too highly of myself? Maybe he’ll be fine with it?

  I’ll wait until he’s back in London before I start making calls.

  “God, Cerise, how could you be so stupid?” I hiss and cover my face with my hands. “You foolish fucking idiot.”

  Dane opens the door and clears his throat to let me know it’s him. “Are you napping?”

  “I’m trying.” I pull the pillow over my head. “What do you want?”

  “I thought maybe you’d want to jam for a bit?”

  Do I? “I don’t feel like it.”

  “Oh… okay.” He steps into the room and closes the door. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m really tired.”

  He ignores me and pulls back the curtain of my bed. “How did you two start? Is it a recent thing?”

  “What does it matter?” I roll over, placing the pillow back under my head and look at him blankly. “I’m ending it.”

  The relief on his face pisses me off so much that I pull the curtain sharply across and roll back over.

  I gave up so much of my life already for them. I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t…

  No.

  I promised myself that this was my choice and that I’d never get bitter over this decision. All of this turmoil for a man who should mean nothing to me, yet the ache in my chest at the thought of losing said man… I’m right to end this now.

  I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

  “Eggs and toast are ready,” Kai shouts and both Dane and Enri fight their way to the kitchen. “Are you coming, Cerise?”

  “No thanks,” I shout back, still angry at the three of them even though this really isn’t any of their fault. “I already ate dick for breakfast.”

  Dane chokes on his laughter; I hear him despite the distance.

  By nightfall I’ve cheered up some and even though I ignored Lockhart’s two calls and text to let me know he arrived safely and wants to see naked pictures of me, I manage to get some practise in on the keyboard. Though my heart just isn’t in it.

  “You said you’re done, said you’re done and it set me free!” Kai and I sing into the mic and then the music stops. The uproar of the crowd is deafening. Dane is kind enough to throw me a rag which I use to dab my forehead. Kai pulls me under his arm, still cheering, and calls out to the crowd.

  That was intense. The show tonight is massive. Huge.

  Our stage presence is improving, that’s for sure. Now we have a routine down, a plan, and know where and when we need to be, we’re far more relaxed. The lighting in this auditorium and special effects are intense.

  “Thank you, we’ll be hanging back after the show to do meet and greets in the bar downstairs if anybody wants to join us,” Dane announces stupidly. I didn’t agree to a meet and greet. I don’t mind, but now he’s announced it I don’t think we’ll be escaping anytime soon.

  We exit the stage, sweaty and high on adrenaline.

  “That was amazing! Your voice gets better and better with each performance,” Enri laughs and spins me around.

  “I’m gross,” I squeal, pulling free. “Don’t touch me.”

  He laughs even louder and, using his thumbs, wipes away my smudged makeup from beneath my eyes. “You need a makeup artist for this shit. Their powders and crap are like cement.”

  “Budget, remember?” I stand, my hands on his arms as his hands bite into my hips.

  “We’ll sort something out.” He winks and then his smile vanishes. My body jolts and my breath leaves me as I’m shoved backwards and Enri launches himself across the room and all but tackles a short, skinny guy into the wall. When he turns my way, he has the man’s camera in his hand. “No fucking pictures back stage!” I have never seen Enri angry. It’s such a contrast from his usual self. My stomach does a flip.

  “Sorry.” The guy looks petrified as Enri thumbs through the images, deleting a few as he goes.

  Enri looks to his security, who have apprehended what I assume is an undercover paparazzi. “If you want a job by the end of the night, I suggest you make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

  “Holy crap,” I laugh breathlessly and peer over Enri’s shoulder as he continues to flick through the photos. I blink when I see that the majority of them are of me. A few of them are of me outside the tour bus with Enri as he plays his guitar. “Our location has been compromised.”

  “Our location will always be compromised.” He shrugs and turns the camera off.

  “Aren’t you going to delete those?”

  He shakes his head. “Just the ones of us backstage; the rest are okay. Any publicity is better than none.” Winking at me, he hands the camera to the man and taps his cheek before signing the guy’s shirt with a huge,

  ‘FUCK YOU. From Enri &’

  He hands the marker to me. I take it, grinning, and write my own name beside his.

  “You’re too good of a person,” I tell him and watch as the security guys march the guy out to the concert hall. “I’d have booted him off the premises without his camera.”

  “And that would be stealing. It’s not worth getting into altercations like that where there’s any possibility that he can sue.”

  “Oh. Learn something new every day.” I push my damp, gross hair from my face. “I really do need a makeup artist, don’t I? I’m hopeless.”

  “You can use mine from now on.” He grins as somebody calls his name to let him know he’s up. “If you want?”

  “Can I afford it?”

  “You really need to speak to Rep about handling your financial shit,” he chuckles and shakes his head. “Go catch up with the others. I’ll see you after the show.”

  “Break a leg,” I call after him and race towards my changing room.

  How he does that for an entire hour I have no idea. This job is so hard but I love every second. Kind of…

  At least… I try to love every second and if I don’t, I remind myself why I should.

  Entering my dressing room, I close the door behind me and lean against it. The air filtration system is on and cool air blasts from a vent in the wall. That’s so nice against the clammy skin of my body.

  “Ah, so you are alive.”

  “Fuck,” I scream at the sound of his voice, pressing my hand to my chest to stop my heart from thumping its way out and running away. “What are you… how did you get in here?”

  “I already knew you were alive but I had to come and check for myself,” Lockhart states, sitting on my makeup desk with one foot propped up on my chair. He hangs his arm over his knee and stares at me expectantly.

  I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing and remain as still as a statue.

  “I’ve called.”

  “I know.”

  “You didn’t call back.”

  “I…” I bite hard on my lower lip. “I know. I’m sorry. I meant to but I didn’t know how to…”

  “End this?” He motions between us and slowly stands until he’s leaning against the desk instead of sitting on it.

  I nod, looking away and wishing he’d just leave. Just the image of him seems to make my chest ache in a way that’s unfamiliar to me.

  “Can I ask why?”

  “I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “Are you sleeping with my cousin?” He asks this simply, as if the thought doesn’t bother him.

  Gasp. “No.”

  “Good. Then why?”

  “Does it matter why?” I murmur, finally finding the strength I know I have. I cross the room and snag a bottle of water from the side.

  “It matters to me.”

  “Why?”

  “So I can eliminate al
l of the excuses.”

  My breath hitches when I feel him against my back. I turn and try to move away from him, but his arm comes around me. I hope I don’t smell as bad as I think I do.

  “So… I’m going to ask you one more time. Why?”

  “Because I don’t want casual sex anymore.” I admit, peering up at him through my thick lashes. “I’m struggling to separate it like you want me to.”

  “Fine,” he says, his tone deceptively soft. “You want exclusivity? You want romance?” I don’t have time to protest. “It’s yours. Just name it.”

  He’s offering me something just days ago he told me he wasn’t willing to give. “I don’t trust your sincerity.”

  “Take a leap.”

  “Straight off the edge of a cliff? No thanks. You’ll ruin me.”

  “You keep saying that, yet you’re the only person in this arrangement that keeps walking away.” He has a point.

  “I know about the other three women and I don’t want to become the fourth.”

  His body stills. “Enri?” I nod in response. “You ignored me because Enri told you about them?”

  “I don’t want to get Enri into trouble. He’s just looking out for me.”

  “So,” he laughs coldly, “did Enri happen to tell you why I ended it?”

  “You got bored.”

  His lips thin to a white line. “Would you care to hear my side of the story or has your distrustful brain already come to a conclusion that is likely false?”

  “Will it make a difference?”

  Lockhart takes the bottle of water from my hand and opens it before guiding me to the chair and forcing me to sit. I take a sip from the open bottle and then guzzle down far more than my stomach size will permit. I didn’t realise how thirsty I was.

  “I suppose not, but it’s more complicated than me simply getting bored.”

  “Did you ruin their careers?”

  “Nothing is that black and white.”

  That’s basically a confession. I blow out a breath of disappointment.

  “So, you want to date?”

  I look deep into his eyes, searching for something to tell me that this will be worth the pain and the possible career change. “Not if it’s hollow and not if there’s no chance of it leading to more.”

  “It won’t,” he says, kneeling before me and placing his hands on my knees. “I don’t love easily and I have no interest in falling in love.” This reality hurts and as much as I want to get to the depth of why, I don’t pry. It isn’t my place. I don’t need to ask anyway as he explains his reasons all on his own. “I’d marry for the convenience and for companionship and for breeding, not for love. Love is… too messy.”

  “Have you ever been in love?”

  “No.” His response is immediate. “I never will be either.”

  “Then the answer is no. I don’t want to date you, knowing that at the end of it all, it’ll only be me who gets destroyed.”

  He rolls his eyes. “I’m offering you what every single man in the world will offer you; I’m just being more upfront about it. When you start dating, you don’t know what will happen with that person but after it ends you wouldn’t change it.”

  “Only a person who hasn’t experienced the pain of heartbreak would see it that way.” I tuck my hair behind my ears and push my chair back. Its wheels slide across the wooden floor and Lockhart’s hands drop from my knees. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I think we should just keep this professional.”

  He stands and straightens his jacket. “You’re making a mistake. I could give you an experience that no other man would ever give you. I’ve never offered this before to anyone.”

  “I have no doubt,” I respond flatly and pad to the door. My hand twists the lock and pulls on the handle. “I need to shower.”

  Silently, he takes three long strides to me, grips the back of my head and presses his lips to mine. It’s only for a moment, but long enough that when he releases me, I’m tingling all over my body.

  “This isn’t over,” he whispers, his minty breath fanning against my lips, and then he’s gone and I’m locking the door after him.

  Shower time then party time, even though I don’t feel like partying.

  I head to the party, a spring in my step as I refuse to let myself fall into a darkness that I’m not worthy of. My mental self gives me a kick up the arse.

  People are surrounding Kai and Dane when I arrive. Then suddenly they’re surrounding me too and drinks are being thrust into my hands. We’re praised, we’re buzzed and one or two of them are high on more than life.

  I wonder vaguely if Kai is included in their artificial high. His actions seem jerky and he’s bouncing all over the place. I put it down to after gig buzz and pray that I’m not wrong.

  Flashes go off as I’m pulled in for selfies and asked questions about celebrities I’ve never met. A lot of the people in this room seem to think I’m one and I suppose that’s how it would seem when, according to them, I was announced as one of the best dressed at the premier last week. That is scarily amazing.

  Other people ask if I’m dating any of the guys. Those questions I’m thankfully saved from answering when one of Enri’s security guys informs the crowd that they must stick to the list of subjects. I didn’t realise there was a list of subjects. Maybe I am a celebrity now?

  Nah.

  After a few vodkas and slippery nipple shots, I head towards the stage with my new group of female friends and jump up and down to Enri’s music, acting every bit the idiot that I’ve wanted to act since starting this trip.

  He sees me. Of course he sees me; I’m pressed up against the stage, no longer in the VIP safe zone.

  “TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!” I yell through cupped hands. That’s when the crowds around me realise who I am.

  Holy fuck.

  Maybe I am a celebrity.

  *

  “Save my soul! Come dance with me!” Enri drunkenly sings as we sway side by side. “And something about something else!”

  I snort so hard vodka burns through my nose. Ouch.

  Dane joins us, singing even louder.

  “Dane, it’s your song! How can you get the words wrong?” I giggle, my voice slurring to an almost indecipherable language.

  I’m drinking too much at the moment. Last night I was bad after the first gig in Manchester and again tonight after our second gig. I’m going to be hanging tomorrow. I need to stop this but I can’t help it. I’m having so much fun!

  We struggle to make it to the bus, even with the aid of security, not because we’re being swarmed but because Kai can’t stand upright and we aren’t exactly balanced well enough to help him.

  When we finally get him inside we have to dump him on my bed because Dane collapses on his and Kai’s is too high for me to reach.

  “Lightweight,” Enri chuckles, staggering into his own room.

  “Goodnight,” I call, kicking off my shoes and pulling my top over my head. It gets stuck on my chin and then my nose. When I fall backwards, the floor catches me, arse first, making me yelp.

  Yep. I’ve drunk way too much.

  “Are you okay?” Enri laughs from the doorway, which is assisting his balance.

  I nod, trying to kick my tight denim leggings off, but they get stuck on my knees.

  “The ceiling is spinning,” I murmur, tilting my head from side to side.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t have had that last drink.” Enri’s voice sounds closer. I know why it sounds closer when I feel his hands slide down my thighs and hook around the edges of my leggings.

  “Maybe you’re right.” I close my eyes, lift my legs without shame and try to bike pedal my legs to kick my trousers off as he pulls. He laughs, finally yanking them free and then throws them behind him. “I’m basically naked.”

  “You have a piercing.” He taps the red cherry shaped jewel at the bottom of my navel piercing with the tip of his finger.

  “I had it done when I was fourteen. My parents are
pretty laid back.”

  Something soft, warm and moist touches the skin below the piercing. I gasp as a sharp tingle scratches its way through my body, alerting me and arousing me at the same time.

  “Enri,” I whisper his name so quietly I can’t be sure he heard it. His lips, the something soft, warm and moist, travel up my body. The fabric from his shirt hangs down, tickling the trail his lips leave behind. He kisses my collar bone, my neck, his body now parallel with my own, his chest hovering close to mine.

  “I want you,” he tells me, resting his elbows on either side of my head. “I’ve never wanted anyone so badly.”

  Sweet Lord. Gulp.

  “I’m too drunk for this,” I respond shakily. His groin presses against my own and he grinds, showing me the size of his swollen length, trapped behind a tight zipper and coarse denim. “We really, really shouldn’t.” This could be one way to get over Lockhart, but it doesn’t seem smart to move from one dangerous guy to another. I have to live with Enri. This is… no. I like us as friends. Not as this. “Enri.”

  He kisses my jaw, moaning softly when he grinds against me again.

  “No,” I tell him, pushing against his chest.

  His head pops up and red, drunk, slightly bloodshot eyes find mine. “No?”

  “No.”

  He drops his head and his body onto mine and I feel his chest deflate. “Sorry.” His mumbled apology tickles my neck. “I’m drunk.”

  “I know,” I snort laugh. “Me too.”

  “Are you sure?” He grinds against me again and laughs when I shove him roughly away from me.

  “We’re both going to regret this in the morning.” I shakily wobble into his bedroom and lock the door behind me. “I’m claiming your bed, you drunken arse.”

  “That’s okay,” he grunts, followed by a thud. “I can’t get up anyway.”

  When I look back to check on him, he releases a rumbling snore and I know he’s passed out already.

  It’ll be nice to sleep in a double bed again. I’m going to starfish the shit out of this mattress.

  *

  The morning comes too soon and I’m awoken to the smell of roses directly in front of my face and the bus rumbling to life. Fuck. I can’t have a shower if the bus is moving. That’s put a downer on my day.

  “Hey.” The bed dips and something crinkles. I peek open an eye and see a huge bouquet of roses directly in my face. They’re gorgeous, numerous shades of yellows, pinks and reds. “Sorry, you rolled over and into them.”