by Nicola Haken
“What the fuck, dude?” was Matt’s response to my text when he walked up to me. “I was two fucking minutes away from nailing the most perfect piece of ass you’ve ever seen.”
“They’re always the most perfect piece of ass you’ve ever seen. You’ll find another when we hit this new club.”
“I don’t get what’s wrong with this place? Why the fuck did you book it if you wanna go elsewhere?”
“Claire booked it, and it won’t kill us to be spontaneous for once, Matt. Don’t you miss being able to go wherever the fuck you want?”
“Not really.” I should’ve known better than to try and drag something meaningful out of Matt. “So when are we going?”
“Going where?” Gavin asked, coming up behind Matt. Daz and Kip followed, but of course Kip stayed back from the table. I was starting to feel really guilty and I didn’t even know what for.
“We’re ditching this place and heading to a new club Ryder told us about.”
“Yeah?” Daz said keenly. “Cool.”
“As long as that’s the last place,” Gavin chipped in. “I’m out to get wasted and I can’t do that if we’re playing musical fucking clubs.”
“Okay, guys. We’re on,” Jake announced proudly when he got back. “Spiral are expecting us in an hour. They wanted to bring in some additional staff so we’ll have to hang back here for a while first.” Something was going on with Jake, I was certain of it. He seemed altogether too happy for a man that was usually so focused and serious. The cars will be back here for us in forty-five minutes, so all make sure you’re at this table by then and we’ll head out.”
“Cool,” Gavin shrugged. “I’m gonna go grab another beer.” Kip and Dave followed him, and Matt had already disappeared. My guess was he was already banging some chick senseless against a wall somewhere.
“Back in a few minutes. Dave, you stay here.” You see? That was the Jake we all knew. Stern and bossing people around. Not only was I curious where he was going, I also wanted to grill him about his fluctuating mood tonight.
“Going for a slash,” I mumbled to Elle, trying to keep a subtle eye on Jake’s movements.
I weaved through the sea of people dancing, past the bar and then down the steps that led to the bathrooms. Perfect. Jake was just going to the toilet. It would be quiet and hopefully private enough to grill him.
I was relieved to see they were private bathrooms and not communal stalls. He hadn’t seen me behind him, but I followed him inside and locked the door behind me.
“Sawyer?” he asked in surprise, turning to face me when he caught my reflection in the mirror. “What are you doing in here?”
“I wanted to see you.”
He stepped slowly towards me and reached out to cup my neck. His touch sent sparks coursing through my entire body and I leaned my forehead against his, breathing him in.
“You were off with me in the car. Have I upset you?”
“I was ‘normal’ with you in the car, baby. I treated you like I treat everyone else. I thought that’s what you wanted?”
“Oh. I mean yes. I do want that. Sorry.”
“You’re flustered,” he noted, stroking down my cheek that I could feel heating up. “I wonder if I’ll ever stop making you nervous,” he teased, grinning. “You’re sexy when you’re nervous.”
“I want you so bad right now,” I moaned against his mouth before flicking his tongue with mine. I pressed my hips into him, reaching between us and stroking his erection through his slacks.
“Then take me,” he said. “Right here. Right now.”
“Oh fuck…” I breathed when he tucked his fingers down the front of my jeans and gripped my dick in his hand. “We…can’t.” It was too risky. Hell, I’d already broken all the rules I’d set in place in my head just by coming in here. I couldn’t fuck him somewhere so publicly.
“You locked the door right?”
“Yes.” Didn’t I? What if I didn’t? Shit, I couldn’t remember. “Wait I don’t kn-”
“I love how you’re always so hard for me, baby.” He started stroking me up and down as far as the restrictions of my pants would allow. With one hand he started unbuttoning me, and when the air hit my rigid dick, I tipped my head back and moaned. “There are condoms and lube in my wallet,” he whispered into my neck before smothering it with hungry kisses.
Why did he carry condoms around with him? Was he always expecting my walls to drop despite everything I’d said? When he pushed my pants down to my ankles and started pumping me harder however, I decided I didn’t actually care.
“Fuck, Jake…” Reaching into his back pocket, I plucked out his wallet. Inside, hidden between the credit cards were two foil packets and a sachet of lube. I plucked them out eagerly, bringing them to my mouth to rip the packets open. Jake worked his belt and zipper, wriggling free from his pants while I suited myself up.
“You need to be fast, Sawyer. Fast and hard.”
“But… it’ll hurt.”
“I’ll be fine. We only had sex this morning. I don’t need stretching.”
“Turn around,” was my reply, and so he did. Gripping onto the sink in front of him, Jake bent over, exposing that striking ass I loved to pound so much. I squeezed half the sachet of lube onto my dick, spreading it with my fingers, and applied the rest around Jake’s hole. I wasted no time in nudging at his entrance. Then I slowly eased inside, making him hiss in pleasure.
“You feel so fucking good inside of me, Sawyer.”
I stilled for a moment, knowing he needed to get used to the intrusion. Then I started with slow, steady thrusts, easing in and out of him slowly. He quivered and moaned in front of me, turning me on to an astronomical level. Gripping his shoulder with one hand and bending over his back, I started grinding into him, bucking my hips as fast as I could go.
“Take your dick, Jake. Make yourself come for me,” I panted. “Be quick. I won’t last long.”
I steadied myself on the sink unit with my other hand and tightened my grip on his shoulder, digging my nails into his flesh. I could see his face in the mirror and I stared at him intently. The sight of him biting down on his bottom lip made my dick pulse inside his tight ass, forcing me to slam even faster.
“I…love…fucking…your…ass,” I cried out between harsh, deep thrusts. “So…fucking…much.”
Leaning down, I nipped the skin on his back with my teeth, making him tremble.
“Don’t stop, baby. Fuck me.” It was starting. The tingle, the heaviness in my balls that were slapping against his ass as I fucked him. “I’m coming, Sawyer! Oh…my…fuck.”
I reached around his waist and palmed his cock. He cried out with his release, biting into the sleeve of his jacket to stifle the sound as he shot his load over both of our hands. That was all it took. Feeling his warmth coating my fingers and feeling him shudder beneath me sent me crashing over the edge.
“Fuck yes,” I growled. “Damn, Jake…fuck yes.”
I came with a violent shudder and poured myself into him. I was sweaty and breathless as I wound my arms around his waist and braced myself on the sink. But then in an instant, the blood drained from my body, pooling at my feet when I heard the bathroom door creak open.
“Oh shit!” Elle said, covering her eyes with her hand. “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” she kept mumbling as she shot straight back out and closed the door behind her.
“Fuck!” I blasted, pulling myself out of Jake. “Fuck fuck fuck!”
“Calm down, Sawyer,” Jake attempted to soothe while he rinsed his hands under the tap. After pulling up my pants I did the same in the sink next to his. “She’s your best friend. You know you can trust her.”
“THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” I yelled. “I screwed up goddammit! I can’t control myself around you! We’re becoming too complacent. We should’ve been more careful! This isn’t going to work,” I said, growling in frustration and slamming my fist into the wall. “This has to stop, Jake. I can’t… I can’t stop wanting you. It ha
s to end here.”
“Because you want me?” He jerked his neck back as if my words had literally punched him in the face. “You want to end this because you want me too much? That doesn’t make any fucking sense! Listen to yourself!”
“Of course it does! It’s too risky. When I’m around you common sense seems to fly straight out the fucking window. Sure, it was Elle, but it could’ve been anybody! What if it was one of the guys? Or papa-fucking-razzi? I’ve gotta get outta here.”
“Sawyer WAIT!” he called after me, but I was already gone. I’d barely touched the bottom stair when he grabbed my arm, pulling me back.
“What are you doing?” I scolded. “We’re in fucking public!”
“You either come with me or I’ll say what I have to say right here.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“No, Sawyer. I’m just not letting you go. Please, come with me.”
Closing my eyes, I nodded. Didn’t exactly give me a choice, did he?
He led me past the toilets and out through a fire exit, bringing us outside at the back of the building. He closed in on me, backing me up against the wall.
“We’ll be more careful,” he said. “Don’t give up on us, Sawyer. Please. We’ve waited too damn long for this.”
“It’s too dangerous.”
“No! It isn’t! Let’s spend the week together like we planned. Alone. Just you and me. Then when we get to LA and add to the team I’ll appoint you a different bodyguard. We’ll hardly have to see each other during the day. We can work this out. You ride with Elle to Spiral. Put up the partition and just talk to her. She’ll help you out with this, I know she will.”
“Jake I…”
“You feel it, Sawyer. I know you don’t know what it is yet, but you feel something. Don’t let that go. Not yet. Look, I’m going to go back to the hotel. Spiral is smaller than here. You guys will be fine with one less guard.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Yes I do. You need some time to get your shit together, and I suspect I’m only going to make that more difficult for you. I let you push me away once before, and I’ve told you I won’t let you do it again. We’re going to the Lakes tomorrow and we’re going to spend this week exploring each other. Body and mind. Do you hear me?”
“Yes,” I breathed, unable to deny his eyes as they penetrated mine with so much hurt, need…love.
“The cars will be here soon,” he said after breathing a sigh of relief. “I’ll go and make my excuses, you round up the guys and head outside.”
“Okay.”
“I won’t ever give up on you, Sawyer Knight, so don’t you dare give up on me.”
Those were the last words he spoke before he jogged back to the emergency door. He held it open for me and once I was inside he disappeared into the crowd.
Now all I had to do was face Elle.
Fuck.
“You can’t tell anyone about what you saw,” was the first thing I said to Elle, the very second the partition rolled up, separating us from our driver.
“I can’t believe you think you even have to say that to me!” she scowled, clearly offended. “You’re my best friend in the world, Sawyer. Of course I wouldn’t.”
“Fuck. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just… oh fuck, Elle I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“You care about him don’t you? You always have.”
I sighed heavily, unsure what to say. I decided at this point honesty was probably the best policy.
“Yeah. I really do.”
“But you think that’s wrong don’t you? It’s written all over your face. You’re ashamed.”
“I don’t want to be. But I can’t help it. The thought of people knowing terrifies me. Talking to Ryder before in my dressing room, I admired him so much. You know, there aren’t many people I respect in this world, but he’s one of them. Crazy, huh? I don’t even know him.”
“I know we’ve had this conversation before, but what exactly is it that scares you? Imagine the world finds out tomorrow, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?”
“People will… I dunno… laugh. Put me down, put Jake down. I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m a fucking rock star, Elle. A celebrity. We’re all wired with this crazy need for attention. To be adored, accepted. I need that. I need to feel like people want me, that they need me.”
“But those people don’t matter. People do need you. I need you. Jake needs you. Maybe you should have a long hard think about putting the people who genuinely care about you first. And don’t take that as me saying we need to throw a coming out party with rainbows and butterflies tomorrow. It’s your life and you deserve to keep parts of it private. All I’m saying is, don’t push the only person I’ve known you care about in that way aside for fear or what might happen in the future. I don’t think this is even about being gay. I don’t think you want to let anyone in because you’re scared of getting hurt.”
“What? That’s ridiculous.”
“No it’s not. If there’s anyone in the world who understands you it’s me. We’re the same. Cut from the same cloth. You’ve never met your father and the only thing your mother’s ever loved is her pride. The only difference between us is my mum chooses to love the booze instead. I know what it feels like to want somebody to love you, Sawyer. We all want someone to accept us, take care of us. Most people get it from their parents… we didn’t and it’s fucked up and hard to deal with.”
“Is that why you’ve never had a serious relationship? Are you scared of letting someone in?”
“Looking back, yes. It was only recently I was forced to look back on how I reacted to people wanting anything more than a quick shag. I want more, Sawyer. I deserve more. And so do you.”
“Are you saying you’ve met someone?”
“That’s another story for another day. We’re here.”
I hadn’t even noticed the car slowing down but, looking out of the window, I saw she was right. The other guys had arrived first and were waiting for us on the pavement. Ryder seemed to be quite at home, chatting away with Gavin. He was going to fit right in with us, however long he was around.
“About fucking time!” Matt complained. “Now… take me to that pussy.”
“Oh,” Ryder said, contorting his face into an ‘ooops’ expression.
“What?” Matt asked.
“Um… nothing.” Ryder turned his head away from Matt and I caught the silent laugh he had to himself. Was there some kind of surprise waiting for us I hadn’t been made aware of? Along with our own team, club security accompanied us into the building and the ‘surprise’ immediately punched me in the face.
Ryder had brought us to a gay club.
“What the actual fuck?” Matt yelled. “Where the hell’s all the pussy?”
“Um, you’ll still find some if you look hard enough,” Ryder shrugged. “Straight people come here too. But I’m afraid they don’t get many groupies looking for famous rock stars to fuck.” The amusement on Ryder’s face was palpable, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Ugh. Never again will I go along with you guys.”
“Shut the hell up, twat,” Daz said. “We’re here now. Go and get us some beers.”
“Fuck beer. The only way I will survive this place is to get off my fucking face and fucking quickly. Don’t know about you guys but I’m having vodka. Lots of it.”
Spiral was definitely a new experience for me. I’m not quite sure how I felt, most likely because I felt such a wide range of things during my time there. At first I was uncomfortable, possibly even nervous that somehow the people in here would ‘know’ about me. Like maybe they had some kind of sixth sense for spotting other gay people. Soon enough though, my discomfort morphed into a form of envy. I watched people dancing, couples embracing each other, laughing, joking, drinking… It was all so ‘normal’. No different to any other regular nightclub, bar the fact most of the people groping each other were the same sex.
I realise now the reason for that is because it is normal. But it’s too late for me. I’ve dug myself a hole too big to ever climb out of. If I was honest about who I really was now, people would want to know why I’d lied for so long. They’d know I was too ashamed to admit it for so many years. These people dancing and living their lives in front of me didn’t deserve anyone being ashamed of who they are and what they represent. If I was to come out, I’d be letting them down.
“How long have you known?” Ryder’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I hadn’t noticed him sit down next to me. The rest of the guys were wasted, dancing and making utter twats of themselves on the floor somewhere no doubt, so I was alone. Our guards were around somewhere, lurking in the corners watching us from afar.
“Known what?” I asked casually. Ryder scanned the area around us as if looking for anyone who might hear us.
“That you’re gay?” he whispered, hovering his mouth next to me ear so I would hear him above the music.
I felt the heat crawl down my cheeks, past my neck and down my body as the blood began to drain from my face.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“It’s okay, mate. I’m not gonna tell anyone.”
“I’m not…” I cut myself off. I was fucking exhausted. All these lies, all this worry… I was so tired of it, and like I told Elle earlier, for some bizarre reason my instincts told me I could trust this guy. “How did you know?”
“Because all your mates are out there getting pissed and having a good time. Whereas you, you’ve been sat here staring at people like you wished you could switch places with them. So I’m guessing this is all pretty new to you, even though I’m also guessing you’ve known all your life.”
“Yeah, you could say that. To be honest, Ryder-”
“Call me Ry. Most people do.”