Being Sawyer Knight

by Nicola Haken

  “I love you, too,” he answered. “Always will.”

  Claire was still at the hospital, waiting for me when I left Jake’s room. I rolled my eyes, facing away so she couldn’t see. On my way over to her I passed Jake’s parents, giving his mum a brief hug and assuring her that Jake was okay. Claire was up in my face the second they disappeared down the corridor.

  “I hope you’re prepared for what’s out there,” she said, nodding towards the automatic glass doors.

  “Press?”

  “More than you’ve ever seen in your life.”

  “Fine,” I said, drawing in a deep breath. “Let’s just get this over with.” I started walking forwards but she pulled me back by my sleeve.

  “Say nothing. Don’t respond to them. Look down, don’t acknowledge them and Neil will get you to a car.”

  “I know the drill, Claire,” I muttered, exasperated. I noticed Mal sitting in the corner of the waiting area with Kip in that moment. Claire summoned them both with her finger and they headed over to join us.

  “You ready?” Neil asked, patting my back.

  No.

  “Sure.”

  I had no idea what time it was, likely almost morning. Standing tall and dragging in a deep gulp of air, I stepped up to the automatic doors, looking straight ahead.

  “SAWYER! ARE YOU REALLY GAY?”

  “DO YOU LOVE HIM?”

  “SO THE RUMOURS WERE TRUE?”

  “SAWYER! SAWYER!”

  “ARE YOU PLANNING TO MARRY HIM?”

  “IS IT SERIOUS?”

  “DOES HE LOVE YOU?”

  Head down. Walk. Head down. Walk. I repeated the mantra in my head, trying to block out the incessant questions and flashes of light. When I reached the car Neil stretched his arms out, keeping a wedge between the press and myself. He closed the door behind me once I was inside and I noticed Kip was already sitting to the right of me.

  “Fucking crazy out there, mate,” he said, weighing up the crowd through the blacked-out windows.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “It’ll pass. You’re doing the right thing you know. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are.”

  “Don’t exactly have much of a choice, do I? Not after the way I fell apart outside the stadium.”

  “And if you had a choice? Would it be different?”

  “No,” I answered determinedly. “It’s time.”

  Neil hurried around to the front passenger seat, slamming the door behind him. Once inside he announced that Mal was following behind with Claire, and also that we had more press waiting for us outside the hotel.

  The fact that I was prepared for it didn’t make bustling our way through the sea of reporters and photographers any easier. The same inane questions were being yelled at me from every angle, lights blinded me, people pushed into me. When I reached the hotel lobby I immediately backed up against a wall and sighed, rubbing my hands down my face.

  “What did you expect, Sawyer?” Claire asked, placing her hand on my shoulder. Her words were harsh, but her tone was laced with sympathy. “You should’ve told us. We could’ve done this properly. Now… it’s all such a mess.”

  “I’m sorry.” What else could I say?

  “We’ll sort it. We always do, right? If we can get past Matt stumbling into a church, stoned and with his pants around his ankles, we can get past pretty much anything.” I laughed at the memory. Sometimes I really don’t know how the fuck we’ve put up with him all these years. “Neil will escort you upstairs. Shower and sleep. We’ll organise a meeting in the morning – plan where we go from here.”

  “Thanks, Claire,” I said, sincerity oozing from my every pore. I pulled her into an impromptu hug, forgetting the fact I was covered in blood and smelt like shit.

  “You boys are like sons to me,” she whispered before pulling away. My jaw dropped a little, stunned by her honesty. I always knew we meant a lot to her, to most of us she’s like the mum we never had…but she’s never really been one for sappy shit, so to hear the words on her lips made my heart swell. “Neil!” she called with authority. “Take Sawyer to his room.”

  “You okay, bud?” Neil asked as we made our way to the lift.

  “Yeah,” I replied casually. I wasn’t really okay, a lot of shit would be coming my way, but for the first time in years, if not ever, I knew I was going to be.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Eight days later…

  “Fuck, dude…” Matt groaned, falling backwards onto the large leather couch in my hotel room. We’re still in Sydney, waiting for Jake to be discharged from hospital. “I’m in so much fucking trouble.”

  “Ah, Jesus, Matt, what the hell have you done now?”

  “It’s what I haven’t done.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “I’ve been fucking the same pussy for over a week. Fuck, dude, I can’t even think about any other pussy. She’s…I mean…I can’t get her out of my damn mind.”

  Oh fuck. Matt was falling in love. God help the poor bitch.

  “So what? You love her?”

  “FUCK NO! Whoa, dude, don’t say shit like that to me.”

  “But you like her?”

  “I really fucking like her. She does this thing with her tongue where-”

  “Yeah you can spare me the details.”

  “Oh yeah, forgot you’re a ring raider these days.”

  I think I found Matt’s acceptance the most surprising. He was always the first to poke fun at the ‘faggots’, the ‘fudge packers’ and the ‘back door bandits’ of the world. What I should’ve realised long ago however, is that he spouts derogatory shit about everyone. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like them, it’s just his way - you know, given the fact he’s a natural born asshole. Asshole or not, he’s a fucking good friend.

  “Well what are you gonna do when we leave here? Australia’s a pretty long way away from LA.”

  I knew exactly what he was going to do of course – move onto the next one.

  “I don’t know, Saw. I feel like I’m not ready to leave her. How fucked up is that?”

  “She got a name?”

  “Belle,” he said dreamily, closing his eyes. Jesus, I think he really is in trouble. “You know, like Elle, but with a B.”

  “Yeah, Matt. I get it.” Man, he’s hard work sometimes. “Speaking of Elle, she’ll be here soon, so piss off back to your own room.”

  “Is my raw sexual magnetism making you uncomfortable?”

  “Yeah, that’s totally it. Now fuck off.”

  “Whatever, dude. Give Elle a lick from me.”

  “Over Belle already?”

  “No, but I have to flirt with Elle. It’s practically the fucking law.”

  Once Matt had left I checked the time, noting I had about twenty minutes before Elle was due to get here. After catching up with her I planned to visit Jake, then I had an interview booked with Gold Magazine. The media circus surrounding my sexuality still hasn’t calmed down, although the press have given up camping outside the hotel. Claire has arranged a guest appearance on The Levi Davidson Show in three weeks time which I’m nervous as shit about, but also looking forward to getting my views across without fear of them being skewed like is often the case with the written word.

  The most nerve-wracking part of today though, was that I had a visiting order to see Jerry at 4PM this afternoon. I was awake most of the night trying to decide what I would say to him, only to decide I’d just have to figure it out when I get there.

  The day after Jake was shot I gathered his things from his room and brought them into my own. I was packing him a bag, tossing in some clean underwear, when I heard the door to my suite open. I didn’t even have chance to turn around before Elle’s squeals pierced my ears.

  “I’m so sorry I couldn’t come sooner!” she wailed, throwing herself into my arms.

  “Need… to… breathe, gorgeous girl,” I teased, purposely rasping because she was clinging to me so tightly.

  “
Sorry,” she muttered, smiling. “I just can’t believe what’s happened. You could’ve died, Sawyer. Jake could’ve died. God, just thinking about it…”

  “Don’t think about it. It’s over now.”

  “Are you still planning to see him today?”

  “Yes. I am. I have to, Elle. I know nobody seems to understand but I need to know why he did it.”

  “Um, because he’s fucking crazy! Sawyer, there’s never an acceptable reason for stalking and plotting to murder someone!”

  “I know that. And maybe you’re all right, maybe I won’t achieve anything by going. If I don’t however, I’m always gonna wonder what the bastard had to say.”

  “I’m sorry, Sawyer. I’m sorry you’re having to go through any of this.”

  “Let’s change the subject,” I suggested. “I’ve been drowning in serious shit for weeks… I need to talk about something ‘normal’.”

  I headed towards the couch and plopped myself down. Elle grabbed us two bottles of water from the fridge and then followed suit.

  “Well,” she began. “I’m not sure this could be classed as ‘normal’ but Ry landed that deal he was after.”

  “No shit!”

  “Yeah. He’s been in LA ever since, although he’ll have to come home at some point to sort out a more permanent visa.”

  “So what’s he gotta do? You know, apart from fuck people?”

  “He’s signed exclusively with Back Door Studios. Apparently they’re like the very top of their game. He’ll shoot, model, travel with them…”

  “You’re still not happy about it are you?”

  “I just miss him. He’s like my little brother, you know? But he’s happy, he’s safe, and from what I can tell the guys who run this company treat their boys really well. Like family, almost.”

  “You should go out there, check it out, see what kind of place he’s working at.”

  “Oh I plan to. I’m here for a couple of days and then I need to head back for the Hairdresser of the Year Awards in two weeks. Then, providing no VIP clients book in, I should be able to head out there after that.”

  “That’ll probably coincide with when we’re back too. But if we’re not, you know you can stay at my place.”

  “Thanks. Hey, you mind if I tag along to see Jake today?”

  “Are you for real? He’s expecting you!”

  “Great,” she smiled. “But first, can you order up some room service. I’m starving.”

  “Sure, gorgeous girl. What d’ya fancy?”

  “Everything.”

  “One of everything coming right up.”

  Mal accompanied Elle and I to the hospital, and when we got to Jake’s room he was standing by the window, looking out onto the grounds. He was dressed in blue jog pants and a white t-shirt that hugged the perfect ridges of muscle and I took a moment just to stare at him with my top lip drawn between my teeth.

  “Hey, baby,” he said, turning around at the sound of us entering. He walked over to me, curled his arms around my waist and kissed the tip of my nose.

  “You guys are too adorable,” Elle piped up. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m doing great. Doctor said I can be discharged this afternoon.”

  “He did?” I urged, grinning like a lovesick fool. “That’s great news.”

  “So I’m coming to see Jerry with you.”

  “No you’re not,” I said resolutely. “You’ll be going back to the hotel and climbing straight into bed. You’ve been shot, Jake. You need to rest.”

  “I’ve been in bed for over a week. I’m coming with you. I’ve already cleared it with Claire.”

  “So I don’t even get a say in this?”

  “No.”

  “Ugh, you can be such an arrogant asshole!”

  “Hey, guys…” Elle said in a singing voice, waving her small, manicured hands in the air. “I’ve come to visit. You’re not being very hospitable.”

  “That’s settled then. By the time you get back from your interview I’ll be back at the hotel, then you can pick me up on the way to see him.”

  “Well you’re not coming in. I mean it, Jake. I want to do this on my own.”

  “I’ll stay right outside,” he agreed. “Scouts honour. So, Elle… what’ve you been up to?”

  Elle stayed purposely silent, looking around the room and twiddling her hair around her finger.

  “Oh me? You guys ready to actually talk to me now?” she teased.

  “Stop being a princess, gorgeous girl. It doesn’t suit you.”

  “Well I’m going to get a coffee from the machine while you two kiss and make up. Want one?”

  “Please,” I said while Jake shook his head. “I’m so glad you’re coming home,” I whispered into Jake’s neck once Elle had left the room. I kissed my way along his jaw, stopping at his lips. “I can’t wait to sleep next to you.”

  “You’ll have to be gentle with me,” he murmured into my mouth before dipping his tongue inside and tasting me. Our lips crashed together and I wound my fingers into his short hair, pressing him to me. My hips urged forwards, pressing my erection against his body, making him groan in response.

  “I love you so fucking much,” I ground out, breaking the kiss. “I won’t ever spend another night away from you.”

  “I’ll hold you to that.”

  “I need to kiss you again.”

  “Then do it.”

  “You can turn around at any time,” Jake said, gently gripping my knee in the back of the car.

  We were on route to see my stepfather, straight from leaving the head offices of Gold Magazine. As with all interviews, it was pretty pointless. There was no Dictaphone, just a pen and paper. I studied the way her fingers flexed while she wrote and decided she was just writing whatever the hell she wanted down rather than what I was actually saying.

  “I know,” I appeased, looking down at his hand on mine. Sometimes I still instinctively flinch a little when Jake touches me in public, even at something as insignificant as accidently brushing his arm against mine. It’s habit I guess, and one I hope to break very soon.

  The journey to the prison where they were holding Jerry seemed to go on for hours. By the time we arrived my palms were clammy, my heart thudded and my mouth was dry. As agreed, Jake only came as far as the visitor reception area, letting Neil take me the rest of the way accompanied by two wardens and the detective in charge of the case. People turned as I walked by, clearly recognising who I was. Some whispered, some pointed, but I was too busy scanning every face in search of Jerry’s to pay much attention.

  “He’s in the interview room,” the tallest warden informed me. I sucked in a deep breath, unsure when I would be able to take another. He led us down a long, clinical looking corridor with windows guarded by steel mesh, keeping us out of contact with other inmates. “I’m sorry, I can’t allow you to come in any further,” the guard said, talking to Neil. He raised his palms, accepting their rules. I had two wardens and an officer of the law with me after all.

  His face was the first thing I saw when the guard opened the door. He was sitting at a plain, grey table with the same twisted look in his eyes I saw the day he beat seven shades of shit out of me. He’d aged significantly since I last saw him. His hair had greyed, his cheeks sunk. We must’ve stared each other out for a whole minute before I broke the silence in temper.

  “Why, Jerry?” I demanded, my voice so forceful it burned the back of my throat. “What the fuck did you want from me?”

  “I wanted you to have nothing. Just like I have for all these years, because of you.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? How am I responsible for your fuck up of a life?”

  “This fucking lifestyle you’re leading? That should’ve been mine. I was your manager, and a fucking good one. You think you’d have gotten noticed by the big guys if I hadn’t set you up with all those gigs? I was on course to have everything. I did so fucking much for you. Set you up with your equipment, rented re
hearsal space from my own fucking pocket, not to mention the fact I had to put up with your whiney bitch of a mother for all those years.”

  “You know what, screw this,” I said, standing from my chair. I was stupid and naïve to believe I would leave here with some sense of understanding or reason. Elle was right, there is no rational reason behind what he did. “You ruined your own future, Jerry, when you laid your hands on my mother!”

  “She’s been asking for it for years. You know that as well as I do.”

  “I hope you fucking rot in here,” I spat, scraping my chair legs against the floor as I pushed away from the table.

  “It won’t last, Sawyer,” he called as I made my way to the door. “One day you’ll wake up and it’ll all be gone.”

  I laughed at the poignancy of his words. Part of me wishes it would all be gone when I wake up tomorrow. This life - the fame, the money, the constant intrusion… I’m starting to think I just don’t want it anymore.

  “What’s going to happen to him?” I asked the detective whose name I couldn’t remember. “Will he be extradited?”

  “I doubt it. I’m sorry I can’t give you much information right now, but I assure you you’ll be kept fully involved throughout his case.”

  “What about Laurelin?”

  “My guess is she’s probably going to get off lightly, but again, I will tell you more as the case goes on.”

  “But are we free to leave here? Head back to the States?”

  “Yes, of course. We’ll be liaising with the LAPD and Cumbria Constabulary in the UK so providing the details we hold for you are up to date, we’ll be able to contact you when needed.”

  “I have no idea.” Hell, I don’t even know my own phone number. “I’ll get our PR manager to call you.”

  “This isn’t over, Sawyer!” I stiffened at the sound of Jerry’s voice. He growled my name with such malevolence as two wardens dragged him past me, kicking and yelling, towards the floor to ceiling bars that led to the next part of the building.

  “I need to get out of here,” I muttered under my breath, wiping the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand.