Toys and Baby Wishes

by Karen Rose Smith

  Because of that, his control slipped away until he was afraid he couldn't grab it back. His hands had a mind of their own. They caressed her back, quested lower, pushing her into his hips. But it wasn't enough. His right hand slipped under her jacket. His palm molded her sweater to her breast as he felt for her nipple under the fabric. It was hard and he could imagine flicking it with his tongue. He swore to himself. He had to stop this and he had to stop it now.

  Josh became harder as Lexa melted into him. She had never felt more fully her power as a woman. The heart of her womanhood tensed, coiled, heated, until she thought she'd explode. When his hand touched her breast, she felt the rippling from her fingers to her toes. Is this what making love with Josh would be like? Not mechanical. Not rote. But dynamic, free-flowing, a road to heaven.

  His hand dropped, his hold loosened, his lips clung for a moment and then released. Her body cried out "why?" and her mind answered, Because she had to stop. She could never give Josh what he wanted.

  Josh framed her cheeks with his hands. "I'm sorry, Lexa. I didn't mean for that to get so out of hand."

  "It wasn't your fault, I..." She was an honest person. There was so much she wanted to tell him, but she was afraid she'd lose something precious she was beginning to find for the first time in her life. Tears pricked in her eyes.

  He must have seen them. "Was I wrong? Didn't you want that as much as I did?"

  "It was...overwhelming."

  He smiled. "I know. Lexa, I think we have something right we should explore. Don't you?"

  "I'm not ready to rush into...into..."

  "How about roller skating?"

  "Roller skating?"

  "Um hmm. Some night next week."

  "I haven't been roller skating in years."

  "Then it's time. What do you say?

  The kiss must still be making her brain fuzzy because without thinking twice, she said, "Yes."

  ***

  "Josh!" Lexa called, clamping onto his arm as they rolled toward a group of eight-year-olds holding hands and gliding around the roller skating rink.

  Josh's arm hung tighter around Lexa's waist as he guided her toward the wall away from collision and danger. When they rolled to a stop, he grinned reassuringly and over the organ music said, "I told you I'd keep you safe."

  She waved at the elementary school children rolling at a speed she didn't want to contemplate. "But you didn't tell me we were going to race in the Indianapolis five hundred!"

  "We'll hang around the edges. You'll be fine."

  "That's what you say," she muttered as a child, not higher than her waist, ran into the back of her knees. Josh caught her as her legs buckled. As soon as she stopped wobbling, she shook her head and laughed.

  "How about a milkshake break on the carpet? People travel slower out there."

  Josh waved at people he knew, patted one little boy on the head. It was obvious Josh did want children. But could he someday accept an adopted child? Could he be more than a stepfather? Josh would never be like Loretta, would he? Questions and no answers. She needed to know Josh more, better. Yet a relationship had to be built on honesty. How much honesty? And how soon?

  Josh capped Lexa's elbow as they rolled from the rink's floor to the lounging area. Lexa's steadiness on the carpet rather than the slick rink floor gave her confidence as she rolled along next to him. When their eyes met, she smiled and raised her arms. "I'm on my own."

  His smile was replaced by a more serious line. "That's important to you, isn't it?"

  "I can't help anyone else if my feet aren't planted firmly."

  "So everyone leans on you. Don't you get tired of that? Doesn't it sap your energy?"

  She rolled in front of him along the counter at the snack bar. "No, I haven't found that. You won't believe the strength I get from, for instance, the lady I'm tutoring. She's fifty-eight and she's never been able to read street signs or menus. Her life has been limited and confined. All her life she's been ashamed of herself because she felt like a failure. Her children know she can't read, and she's always felt inferior to other parents. Last week, something clicked in her head during our session and she can finally sound out words that were hieroglyphics before. You can't imagine her excitement. And I caught it."

  The barista asked for their order. Josh paid for the two chocolate coffees, and he and Lexa rolled to the fence overlooking the rink.

  After a pause, he asked casually, "Are you busy tomorrow night?"

  "I'm driving up to Penn State after work."

  "Is something wrong?"

  Dani was miserable without Rob and feeling totally alone. Lexa couldn't tell Josh that--not yet, but she couldn't lie to him either. "Dani's having some problems."

  "You're going to her rescue?"

  His tone indicated that his question might not be complimentary. "You don't think I should?"

  "I don't know. I guess she's not as independent as you. Do you always go when she calls?"

  He was the most perceptive man she had ever met, uncomfortably so. "I try to help her when she needs it."

  "I thought you might like to come to the store and watch the kids race their cars Sunday afternoon."

  "I was going to come back Saturday evening. I have a luncheon appointment on Sunday."

  He eyed her carefully. "Man or woman?"

  She smiled. "Some of each. They're people who can help with fundraising for the teen center. We're going to kick around ideas and find out what sites are available, what kind of budget we need to work with. But that's at noon. I can come to the store afterwards."

  Josh dropped his arm across her shoulders. "After the races are over, you and I can go to dinner...or...curl up in front of the TV."

  She knew what he was suggesting. More kisses. More intimacy. She wasn't ready for that yet. "There's a new movie I'd like to see."

  His arm stiffened slightly, but then relaxed. "If it's a movie the lady wants, a movie the lady gets."

  CHAPTER FIVE

  It was almost four o'clock when Lexa parked her SUV among the shopper's cars in The Toy Tank's parking lot and walked around to the back. She was late--too late to watch the races and she wondered if Josh would be upset.

  She crossed to the course indicated by fluorescent orange pylons and tin cans where Josh was crouched down next to a little boy around six years old. They were both holding a radio controlled car. Tears were running down the child's cheeks. Josh was comforting him and patting his shoulder. A thrill danced in her heart at the sight of Josh and she curiously watched him with the boy.

  Lexa stopped a few feet away and heard Josh say, "Your car ran a terrific race. It beat mine. Maybe next time it will win."

  The tears stopped and the child's expression was hopeful. "Do you really think so?"

  Josh stood and looked down at the child affectionately. "I really think so."

  A car pulled into the parking lot and the driver honked the horn. The little boy grinned, waved at Josh, and ran to the waiting car, yelling, "I'll see you next time."

  Josh waved back and called after him, "You keep practicing. You're getting really good."

  Lexa's heart contracted. She had suspected Josh would be good with children. But what about an adopted child? Could he give love freely to a child who wasn't his own?

  As she approached him, she apologized, "I'm sorry I'm late. The lunch took longer than I planned."

  "Was it successful?" Josh asked as he appraised her hunter green suit and the colorful silk scarf at her neck.

  "We didn't have a specific objective in mind. We brainstormed and came up with some possibilities for sites and fund raising." She looked around at the empty course. "How many kids showed up?"

  "About twenty. We had a good time. Minimal number of crashes." He put the radio control car he was holding down on the macadam.

  "Josh, I really am sorry I couldn't get here sooner."

  He straightened. "You're here now."

  She shifted on her high heels, attempting to expla
in and divert the sensual vibrations that always forked between them. "I don't want you to think I'm late because I didn't want to come."

  His stare was steady. "Do you honestly want to know what I think?"

  "Yes, I do."

  He was gentle but firm. "I think you're a very busy lady and you have to decide what's most important in your life."

  What he wasn't saying was as clear as what he was saying. If they got involved, she might have to make some adjustments. Was she ready to do that?

  She said softly, "It's been two years since I've been involved with anyone."

  "It's been about that for me, too," Josh admitted.

  She didn't want to trade why-it-didn't-work stories. She gestured to the car on the macadam. "How do they run?"

  His eyes narrowed and she thought he might challenge her change of subject. But he didn't. "They're not complicated. How would you like to learn how to race a radio-controlled car?"

  "My father wouldn't teach me how to drive because he said he didn't have enough patience. If this is anything like driving, you might want to think twice before offering."

  "This will be a piece of cake," Josh assured her. "Besides, I'm a great teacher."

  She bet he was. She could imagine him teaching her about making love with him. She switched her attention to the course around them. "If you can teach me how to maneuver through that obstacle course, you're a superior teacher."

  He stooped over and picked up the model. "This car has a three point suspension system with front coil springing."

  Her look was blank. "Is that important to know?"

  He chuckled. "It is for an RC enthusiast, but not for you."

  "Good," she said. "Because I'm a 'show me' person. If you tell me I probably won't get it right. If you show me, I will."

  His eyes twinkled mischievously. "I could show you lots of things."

  She picked up his meaning all too well. "The car, Josh. Show me how to work the car."

  He grinned, set the car on the ground and picked up the control box. "First thing you need to know is the car is controlled by radio signals. There are two channels--one for speed, one for steering."

  "Here, you take it. Doing is learning."

  "Sometimes it's better to learn first."

  "Not with this. Go ahead and try it."

  She tried to coordinate the speed with the motion. "Are there many of these clubs?"

  The car surged ahead and ran into a pylon. "Don't worry. Back it up," Josh advised. "This isn't the standard club because it's just for fun. Official RC owners take this as a sport and very seriously. They have elimination heats, Grand Prix races, registration, rules and regulations. We just have fun. The kids learn how to handle their cars and themselves."

  Lexa attempted to take the car around a curve. "Are all the courses like this? With obstacles?"

  "No, this is a gymkhana course. The idea is to avert the obstacles and complete the course in the least amount of time."

  Lexa's car zoomed ahead and sideswiped a tin can. Josh wrapped his arms around her with her back resting against his chest. With one hand he covered her fingers to help guide the model. With the other, he pointed to the car. "Keep your eyes on the forward area, the area in front of the car. If you only watch the car, you can't keep clear of the obstacles."

  It felt so good to have his arms around her--so right. She took a deep breath, relishing the feel of him, the closeness. But she couldn't get any closer unless she was honest with him.

  Lexa's hands went still and the car stopped. She turned in Josh's arms, control box in hand, until she faced him. "Josh, there's something I have to tell you."

  "What?"

  "Dani's pregnant, and I'm going to adopt her baby."

  Josh was still for a stunned moment, his eyes wide with surprise. When he spoke, it wasn't what she expected. "So that's why you've been backing off."

  There was another reason too, but one thing at a time. "It's not something I could just blurt out to a stranger."

  "Am I a stranger, Lexa?"

  "No. Not any more. That's why I had to tell you." She cleared her throat. "So how do you feel about it?"

  His smile was uncertain. "It's a shock."

  She hadn't known what to expect. His reaction wasn't negative exactly, but he wasn't telling her what she needed to know. She'd simply have to ask straight out. "Do you still want to see me?"

  He took her by the shoulders. "Of course, I still want to see you. Why wouldn't I?"

  She murmured, "Some men would find a baby hard to accept."

  "I'm not some men. And don't forget, kids are my business."

  True, Lexa thought, but owning a toy store and liking kids on a once in a while basis was not the same as being a father.

  He must have seen her doubts. "Lexa, If you had ten kids, I'd still want to see you again."

  Relief seeped through her and she wanted to hug him. "Really?"

  "Really. But I can certainly understand why you don't want to rush into anything. You're thinking about someone other than yourself."

  "Josh, any type of relationship has to be strong to support a child. I have to be absolutely certain..."

  "That I'm the right guy?" he filled in. He gently rubbed up and down her arms. "I understand. Believe me, I do. Is your sister sure she doesn't want to keep the baby?"

  Josh's hands scorched through her suit jacket. The motion was meant to be comforting, but it was arousing instead. "She's positive. Her boyfriend deserted her. She wants to have the baby but she says she can't raise it alone."

  "And you can."

  Her eyes didn't waver from his. "I can."

  "You're a brave woman."

  "Bravery has nothing to do with it. I love Dani; I'll love her baby."

  "Maybe you won't have to do it alone."

  Apprehension tinged her voice. "It's too soon to make any kind of commitment."

  "But it's not too soon to hope in the future," he insisted.

  Josh smiled and she smiled back. One bridge successfully crossed. All she needed now was the courage to tell him the rest. But not today. Soon.

  ***

  As Josh pulled up in front of Lexa's townhouse, a glare of hidden sun fought the clouds. He'd called Lexa and asked her if she still wanted to go bicycling on the Gettysburg Battlefield with the lower temperatures. She'd insisted she liked to ride in cold weather. The sky looked ominous. They might have to cut the afternoon short.

  But that wouldn't bother Josh, not at all. They could go back to his apartment, curl up on the sofa together, let whatever was going to happen, happen. For three weeks, since the day she'd told him about the adoption, he'd kept everything light with Lexa, letting her set the tone. He was "activitied" out. Bowling, the fall craft fair, the recreational vehicle show. Everything to do or see so the chemistry between them didn't explode when they were alone.

  He realized Lexa needed time. She was still holding back and he couldn't figure out why. Was it the idea of becoming a mother? Or was it something more? Something she wasn't telling him? He was a firm believer that physical intimacy led to deeper emotional intimacy. And he was ready to deepen their relationship. But Lexa...

  She was a one-woman crusade, spreading herself over more organizations than he could count. He was beginning to understand that it was much easier for her to give than to receive. But why did she have to give so much? He respected her causes. He liked the idea of her adopting a child, if she was sure that's what she and her sister wanted. But if their relationship was going to grow, she'd have to give it more time. Today was the day to bring it up. Today was the day he was going to kiss her somewhere quiet, somewhere comfortable. Maybe tonight would be the night.

  ***

  The red truck that pulled into Lexa's driveway had a cover on the back. Josh always thought of everything. He was so much fun, except when he got that serious gleam in his eyes that said he wanted to get closer "now". She still had doubts. Josh might like kids, but could he love an adopted child as hi
s own? Memories of her stepmother were hard to erase. Even now, she didn't know why Loretta and her dad had gotten divorced. Lexa had been so relieved not to have to deal with the woman again, she hadn't asked questions.

  She'd never been hostile to Loretta. But the woman had constantly acted as if they were in competition. Lexa had so little time with her father that when he was around, she'd wanted to talk to him, be with him, tell him her fears, hopes, and dreams. Loretta had prevented that whenever she could. She'd said, "Your father's busy. He can't be bothered." Eventually Lexa had believed her and turned all of her attention and energy to Dani.

  Would Josh feel he was competing with a child? Would he resent time she spent with a child? And if not, if he could love an adopted child as his own, how would he feel when he knew she couldn't have more children? So many questions without answers.

  Josh was becoming dear to her. Even when they weren't together, he let her know he was thinking about her. One day she'd retrieved her messages, and one of her favorite downloads had played. Another day he'd sent her a bouquet of daisies. Yesterday she'd received a box of imported chocolates by messenger. She'd never met anyone like him, so tender, gentle, caring. She didn't want to spoil or sabotage what was developing between them.

  Lexa pulled on her down jacket and went from her kitchen to the garage. She carefully wheeled her bike from the front of the garage along her car. She pressed a button and her garage door opened. She wheeled her bicycle to the back of Josh's truck.

  He was already opening the tailgate. "It's a little cold for a picnic lunch."

  "Are you backing out on me, Flannigan?"

  "Me? I was just trying to give you a chance to change your mind. Just you wait until we start pedaling up those hills. Then we'll see who wants to back out."

  She twitched her nose at him as he lifted her bike into the truck as if it were a child's toy. "I have to lock the house and I'll be ready to go."

  As Josh drove, he asked, "How did the meeting go last night?"

  "Great. There are nine businessmen who are going to buy the building. The teen center is going to be a reality. We're getting together Monday evening to talk about the programs we want to set up."