Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  ‘Was you naughty?’

  ‘I’m afraid I was.’ Bob stood up again, rubbing his left leg. ‘So you see, the Master wasn’t saying I was his son, it was just a way of talking. Do you understand?’

  Danny pursed his lips, looking thoroughly confused. ‘You’ll still be my uncle, though?’

  ‘Of course. I’ll be proud to be your uncle.’

  Angie breathed a quiet sigh of relief and intervened for the first time. ‘Didn’t you have something to say to Dieter, darling?’

  He nodded and snuck a shy glance at Dieter, who was standing at the end of the table. ‘I’m sorry I told you to go away. I didn’t mean it,’ he added hastily. ‘Grandma said I get ’fused.’

  ‘I accept your apology.’ Dieter stepped forward then. ‘Do you now believe that I am your father?’

  ‘S’pose.’ Grey eyes met grey eyes. ‘Mummy said you had a uniform.’

  ‘I did. A German Luftwaffe uniform.’

  Danny gave a puzzled huff. ‘Why did you go away? Didn’t you love us?’

  Angie saw the pain on Dieter’s face as he knelt in front of his son.

  ‘I loved your mummy very much, but she didn’t tell me about you. If I had known, I would never have left you.’ He took hold of Danny’s hands. ‘You are too young to understand, but I promise that when you are older I shall tell you the whole story.’

  ‘You won’t go away again?’

  ‘I shall never leave you again.’

  Danny nodded. ‘Auntie said I look like you.’

  ‘You do.’ Dieter swept him from the chair and into his arms. Walking over to a mirror on the wall, he tipped his head until it was touching Danny’s. ‘See, we have hair the same colour, and almost identical grey eyes. Your fingers are long like mine – pianist’s hands, and I believe you will be tall like me as well when you are older.’

  Danny peered at their reflections while Dieter juggled to take a wallet out of his back pocket. He flipped it open and showed Danny a photograph, much dog-eared by years of use.

  ‘I was older than you in this photograph, but you can see that I looked just like you when young.’

  The child stared at the picture. ‘Who’s the baby?’

  ‘My little sister.’

  ‘Hmm. Where is she?’

  ‘I do not know.’ Dieter’s hand shook slightly.

  Danny gazed up at him. ‘Have you lost her?’

  ‘Yes, I have.’ He slipped the wallet back into his pocket. ‘Do you see how like me you are?’

  Danny nodded. ‘Em looks like her mummy. Why don’t I look like my mummy?’ He swung round and held his hand out to Angie. ‘Why isn’t my hair red like yours and Mummy’s?’

  Seeing that he was about to become upset, Angie joined them at the mirror. ‘Our hair colour is called chestnut, darling, and only girls in the family seem to have it.’ She ruffled his hair playfully and grinned. ‘It looks nice on girls, but I don’t think you would like it. Everyone would call you copper knob.’

  He wriggled back and studied Dieter’s hair. ‘Hmm, this is nice for boys. Have you got more pictures?’

  ‘My family photographs have been lost in the war. That is the only one I have of me as a young boy.’ Dieter put him down when he struggled, then stooped to his level. ‘I am your father, and we shall have fun together. I shall help you with your music and teach you lots of things. Would you like that?’

  Danny nodded and shuffled uncomfortably. ‘Do I have to call you Daddy now?’

  ‘I would like that, but not if you don’t want to. You can call me Dieter, as you have always done.’

  ‘Is that okay, Auntie?’ Danny took hold of her hand, gazing up at her, his little face puckered with worry and confusion.

  ‘If your daddy said it’s all right, then you can call him by his name.’ Angie saw the look of gratitude flash through Dieter’s eyes when she referred to him in that way. But they had done all they could for today. Danny was a bright child, but he couldn’t take in anything else at the moment. He had believed one thing and now he was being told something different. It would be best if they let him take his time in trying to understand what was going on. ‘Now we had better go back to the other room. Grandma made tea and it will be getting cold.’

  When they walked back into the front room, Emma was leaning on the General’s knees, explaining the finer points of her train set.

  He looked up, his gaze sweeping over all four of them and settling on Danny. ‘All sorted out, young man?’

  He nodded and let go of Angie’s hand so that he could go to stand next to Emma.

  ‘Good lad.’ The General smiled in approval. ‘And all done without tears. That’s a brave soldier.’

  The dimples flashed at the praise. ‘I got muddled. I’ve never had a daddy.’

  ‘Well, you have now.’ The General hauled himself to his feet. ‘We must be moving, Robert. Your mother will be furious if we’re late for our guests.’

  They all trooped outside to see them off, but they were further delayed as the children had to thoroughly examine the Rolls-Royce. It was only after Bob’s father had driven them round the yard a few times that they were allowed to leave.

  Angie hung back when they returned to the house, wanting to talk to Dieter alone. They remained in the porch by the kitchen.

  ‘I wish you’d told me you were going to see Bob.’

  ‘You think I did wrong?’

  ‘No, no.’ She caught the defensive tone in his voice.

  ‘You did the right thing, but I was worried not knowing where you were.’

  ‘Why?’ He frowned.

  ‘I was afraid you wouldn’t come back.’

  Dieter ran a hand over his eyes. ‘Perhaps it would be for the best if I went away. Danny says he understands, but he does not. How can he? How can I explain to him about being in prison for all of those years, what was between his mother and myself, and why I left and never came back? How do you tell a young child such things? You told him I am his real father, and so has the Colonel, but still he does not believe it.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sure you’re wrong.’ Angie put her hand on his arm, touched by his sadness.

  ‘No, I am not.’ Dieter dipped his head and closed his eyes. ‘He likes me because of the music, but he does not want me as his father. He would accept Strachan without a moment’s hesitation. Did you not see how he laughs and hangs on his every word? That is the father he wants.’

  ‘If you are right, then he will have to change his mind.’

  Dieter’s head lifted slowly and he opened his eyes, studying Angie intently. ‘Why should he? Strachan can give you much in life. If you marry him, my son will have security and love in his life.’

  Her temper snapped. Was this the same man who had insisted that his son be told about him? The one who wanted to support him and be part of his life? Was he trying to back away now? ‘How the hell do you think I can marry him or anyone with this mess Jane has left behind? And what’s happened to all your fine talk about watching your son grow into a man? Is it all getting too much for you, Herr Cramer?’

  As she turned away, he caught her arm and spun her round to face him, pulling her into his arms and kissing her long and hard. After releasing her, he growled, ‘What is it like to kiss a German, Fräulein Westwood? Does it repulse you? And does it surprise you that my only concern is for what will be best for my son? It will tear me apart to see him go to another man, but what am I to do? Tell me! You will no doubt one day marry. Must I then break Danny’s heart by attempting to take him away from you? Separate him from the person he loves so much? Is that what I am going to have to do in order to keep my son? Tell me, for you appear to have all the answers. I do not know what to do any more.’

  Angie wasn’t sure who was the more shocked by what she did next. She burst into tears. It was just as well she didn’t understand the stream of words coming from Dieter. It didn’t take knowledge of the language to know he was swearing with ferocity in his native tongue.

&
nbsp; ‘I’m sorry,’ she sobbed. ‘I didn’t mean to insult you. I lost my temper, and when that happens I can’t control what I say. I wouldn’t give a damn if you came from Timbuktu. Jane’s dead, you’re Danny’s father. I love my darling boy so much and I just want this whole blasted thing sorted out so we can live a normal life. And don’t threaten me, Dieter. It frightens me.’

  Dieter cradled her head on his shoulder. ‘I am at blame here. You have had much to cope with, and I have been an added burden with my impatience. I am the one who should be begging forgiveness. Jane was so young and I should never have walked away after taking advantage of her love for me. I am, and always shall be, greatly ashamed of that. I do not mean to frighten you, but I am at a loss to know what to do.’

  She lifted her head, fished a handkerchief out of her pocket and blew her nose, then gave him a watery smile. ‘Let us accept that we both acted in the heat of the moment, shall we? I’m proud that Danny has such a fine father. One I’m sure he will grow to love and respect.’

  Dieter ran his fingers down her tear-stained cheek. ‘Thank you, Angie, that is gracious of you. Now you need to splash your face with cold water to remove the tears. The others must not see that I have made you cry or I shall never be forgiven.’

  She washed her face and dried it. ‘Is that better?’

  ‘Yes, much better.’

  ‘Dieter,’ she said before they went into the front room, ‘be patient. Don’t do anything in haste, and, above all, please don’t leave us. Danny needs you.’ And so do I, she added silently to herself. The kiss had been given in anger, but it had stirred up something inside her. ‘I promise that I will never, knowingly, do anything to jeopardize your relationship with your son. I will put him first, whatever my personal needs and feelings are. I am sure that in the future we are all going to have to compromise, but we will face this together. No matter how difficult things become, you must never walk away from us.’

  ‘I shall not go away again, that I promise.’

  It was eight o’clock before Sally and Joe decided to leave. Emma was standing in the middle of the room, coat on, her arms overflowing with presents and a huge grin on her face.

  ‘She won’t sleep for ages yet.’ Sally pulled a face. ‘Just look at her, she isn’t a bit tired.’

  There were kisses all round, and the little girl made sure Danny received one from her as well. As her parents made their way towards the door, Emma stopped and trotted back to Dieter.

  ‘Deeder, would you make me a truck like Danny’s?’

  ‘Emma!’ Sally came back for her daughter. ‘How many times must I tell you not to ask for things?’

  She glanced quickly at her mother, and then back to Dieter, who was shaking with amusement. ‘Deeder don’t mind. He’s nice. Can I have a bright red one?’

  ‘Of course.’ He bowed. ‘It will be my pleasure to make you a truck, Princess.’

  Emma shot her mother a look of ‘See, I told you so’ triumph, then scuttled out to catch up her father.

  Sally lifted her hands in defeat. ‘She should have been a boy, she really should. You don’t have to do this, Dieter.’

  ‘I shall keep my word.’

  When he smiled the worry and upset of the last two days disappeared. The transformation was so marked that it literally took Angie’s breath away. He was such a good man, but, more than that, he was a gentleman through and through, sensitive and kind. Of course, he also had his faults, like everyone. He had a dogged determination and would not be swayed once he made his mind up. Qualities like that must have been a great help to him while he’d been a prisoner of war in this country. Dieter was a complicated man, one who felt deeply. Oh, Jane, she thought with sadness, why did you ever let him go?

  It was at that moment her stomach lurched. Was she beginning to find him attractive? Oh, Lord, she mustn’t do that. Dieter had loved Jane. She mustn’t let herself become too fond of him. She had enough problems without that. Friendship between them was all she could hope for. But one thing had to be admitted: she was in an emotional mess.

  Watching Sally and her family drive out of the yard, she turned and held her hand out to Danny. ‘Time for bed, young man.’

  He pulled a face. ‘Must I bathe, Auntie?’

  Angie made a pretence of sniffing him. ‘Hmm, you haven’t been near the pigs today, so I’ll let you off tonight. You can have one in the morning before we go home.’

  He smiled as he kissed his granny and grandpa goodnight. Then he glanced at Dieter. ‘Are you gonna live in our house now?’

  ‘That is not possible.’

  ‘Why? Em’s daddy lives with her.’

  Dieter bent to his level. ‘Emma’s parents are married. They can live together.’

  ‘You’re not a proper daddy, then?’

  ‘I am your father, but I can’t live with you.’ He gave Angie an anguished look. ‘How can I explain?’

  ‘You can’t.’ Angie touched Dieter’s shoulder in sympathy. ‘He’s too young to understand, and he’s already confused. He sees Emma with her family and wonders why it isn’t the same for him.’

  ‘You are right. I have done much damage by insisting he be told now.’

  ‘It’s as much my fault as yours. I felt this wasn’t the right time and should have tried harder to make you see that.’ Danny was looking worried, so Angie stroked his hair. ‘It’s all right, darling. There’s nothing to worry about.’

  ‘You did try, but I did not want to listen.’ Dieter unwound himself and stood up, still holding Danny’s gaze with his own. ‘I will be a proper daddy to you, I promise.’

  Seeming satisfied with that, and his auntie’s comforting smile, he said ‘Night, night’ to everyone. Then he let Angie take his hand and lead him upstairs.

  Dieter watched the small figure of his son until he disappeared at the top of the stairs. Danny’s words, ‘You’re not a proper daddy, then’, had felt like a knife slipping into his ribs.

  Wandering over to the piano, he sat down and began to play softly, the beauty of the music seeping into the dark shadows of his life and lighting a tiny flame. He bowed his head as if in prayer, and allowed his fingers to sweep over the keys.

  Upstairs, Danny snuggled under the covers and tipped his head to one side, listening to the music. ‘Playing,’ he said, and closed his eyes, instantly asleep.

  28

  There was great excitement as they gathered in Angie’s small front room at ten o’clock on New Year’s Day. Sally, Joe, Emma, Dieter, Danny and herself were going to visit Bob’s parents today. The General had sent a message insisting that they come for the day. Hetty and John had also been invited but had declined, unable to leave the animals all day, but they had insisted that Dieter have the day off for the visit.

  The children had their noses pressed against the window so that they could see the car as soon as it arrived.

  Angie watched them with a smile on her face. Since the upset at Christmas, Danny was almost back to his normal self with Dieter. He hadn’t once called him Daddy, but he watched him shyly and appeared happy when he was around. Angie was sure acceptance wasn’t far away. Children had such a talent for adapting quickly to changing situations, and she wished she had the same ability. In the beginning she had fought against Dieter becoming a part of their lives; that had been wrong and cruel of her.

  ‘He’s here!’ both children yelled at the top of their voices and began to tear around the room.

  Angie managed to catch hold of them as they tried to rush towards the door. ‘Whoa! You’ll tire yourself out before the day has even started.’

  ‘It’s the great big car.’ Danny jiggled impatiently.

  Sally patted her hair. ‘I’ll feel quite posh riding in a Rolls-Royce. I wonder what the house is like.’

  ‘Very large.’ Dieter helped Angie on with her coat. ‘And most elegant.’

  ‘Oh, dear.’ Sally gave her daughter a doubtful glance. ‘I’ll have to tie her down.’

  Joe opened the doo
r to the General. ‘We’re all ready.’

  ‘Good.’ He strode in. ‘Now where is everyone going to sit?’

  They went outside and stood beside the car, and after some discussion it was decided that Danny should sit in the front on Dieter’s lap, and the rest of them in the back with Emma sitting on Joe. Arranged in that way, they could all fit in comfortably. If Hetty and John had come, they would have needed to use the farm truck as well.

  It was a lively journey, with the children chattering and asking questions all the way. They were at the age when they wanted to know everything.

  When they turned in through some large gates and drove up to the house, Angie gaped in amazement. She had known Bob was well educated and used to having money, but she had never imagined anything like this. The house was huge.

  Bob’s mother was waiting for them in the hall, which was so big it had a fireplace and a log fire burning in the grate. The entire ground floor of her house would have fitted into this entrance hall, Angie thought, as she gazed around in wonder. She had never seen anything so grand.

  ‘I’m very pleased you could come.’ Mrs Strachan greeted them with a smile. ‘Come into the library. There are refreshments waiting for you.’

  Angie noticed a slight Scottish brogue, but of course Strachan was a Scottish name. The accent had probably been educated out of Bob and his father.

  Their coats were hung in a small cloakroom off the hall and they followed Bob’s mother.

  ‘Don’t touch anything,’ Sally hissed to her daughter, but she was talking to her back. She was already running after Mrs Strachan.

  A deep rumble of amusement came from the General. ‘Don’t worry about the children, my dears. We have two grandchildren and are quite used to their tearing around the place.’

  ‘I didn’t know Bob had children.’ Joe placed an arm around his wife’s shoulder.

  ‘He hasn’t, much to his mother’s disappointment. We have a younger son. They are his children.’