A Helluva Man

by Sable Hunter

  “I feel fine, Mom.” Not exactly the truth, but she needed to get away. Joseph had offered to shoot the commercials in Texas, but after the visit with Jaxson she called to tell him that wouldn’t be necessary.

  “I know you’ve been under the weather.”

  “I feel better.” Tamara felt guilty for lying to her parents but allowing them to believe she was sick was easier than admitting to a broken heart. “I need a change of scenery.”

  “Have you talked some sense into her yet?”

  Hearing her father’s voice as he came down the hall motivated Tamara to pack faster.

  “No, she’s still determined to go to Colorado.”

  “I’ll be fine, Dad.”

  “You’d better be.” Richard placed a folded sheet of paper on top of Tam’s clothes in the suitcase. “I did a little work on your training itinerary. I think you’d do well to up your sessions to twice a day. After all, you’ve been invited to compete in Marbella.”

  “I know, Dad.” She moved the paper to one of the side pockets. “Thanks.” She knew she needed to get her head back in the game. Maybe this upcoming trip to Spain would be exactly what she needed.

  “How’s that McCoy boy, the one who got hurt? I know you were spending some time with him? How does he feel about this trip?”

  “Wow, Dad. That’s a lot of questions.” Tamara zipped up her suitcase under the watchful eye of her folks.

  “How will we know what you’re doing or feeling if we don’t ask, sweetie?” Her mother gave Tamara a familiar argument.

  With a sigh, she told them what she could. “He’s…okay. I’m sure his family is taking care of him. He’ll have to undergo a lot of rehab, but I’m sure he’ll be fine.” She hoped. She prayed. “We’re not…seeing one another anymore. So, he wouldn’t know anything about this trip unless Joseph told him and I’m sure they have more important things to discuss than what I’m doing.”

  “You’re not seeing one another anymore? Why?” Shelia asked with concern.

  “Don’t badger her, dear,” Richard told his wife with a pat to the shoulder. “I’m sure it’s for the best.” He didn’t even try to hide his pleasure at finding out Tamara was no longer involved with the man.

  Tamara didn’t comment. Instead, she picked up her suitcase, gave her parents a hug, then made haste to the door. “I’ll call you when my plane lands.”

  “Be safe and don’t worry about anything here. We’ll lock up for you!” They followed her out into the yard to watch her go.

  Tamara waved at them as she pulled out of the driveway. Mixed feelings made her uneasy. She knew a routine would help her, ignoring her responsibilities was never smart. Like normal, she went over a mental checklist in her head. Gear. Ticket. Phone. She’d forgotten nothing. Yet…as she drove out of town and headed to the airport, Tamara knew she was leaving something important behind.

  Her heart.

  Jaxson McCoy had her heart and she didn’t know if she’d ever get it back.

  * * *

  “Well, fuck it all, I guess I didn’t think this through very well.”

  Neither had Philip.

  Jaxson was trying to keep Heath’s beloved truck between the ditches. He felt like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

  Which he was – he guessed.

  Trying to press the gas pedal, man the clutch, then use the brake when needed - and do it all with one damn leg was hard. “Damn stick shift!” He tried using one of his crutches on the gas, but that didn’t work. The crutch slipped and he found himself going eighty miles an hour down a curvy backwoods road. “Holy Crap!” he fumed as he managed to get control of the vehicle. The smart thing to do would be to stop at the nearest gas station and beg to use their phone, call his brothers, and ask for help.

  “Oh, hell no.”

  If he was going to do this thing – go home – he was damn sure going to do it on his own terms. He might be handicapped, but he wasn’t useless.

  “Huh? Where did that thought come from?”

  A small smile came to his lips as an iota of hope rose in his chest.

  What the future held for him, he didn’t know. There were steps he needed to take, decisions he needed to make – and if he thought about it too hard, he might turn around and head back to San Saba.

  Rehab. Prosthetic. Counseling. Ranch work.

  Tamara. Tamara. Tamara. Tamara.

  “Stop it, dumbass. You’re going to drive yourself crazy.”

  He flipped on the radio to his favorite country classics station to hear Christy Lane belting out the iconic old tune One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus.

  Jaxson listened for a moment, wondering if someone was trying to send him a message.

  “Yea, one day at time.” That’s how he would survive.

  As Old Red ate up the miles, Jaxson wished it hadn’t been necessary to burn his bridges with Tamara. But he’d had no choice.

  He might be going home. He might be determined to build some sort of a life for himself.

  But he’d never be the same.

  He’d never be the man she deserved.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Jaxson slowly began to get better. He made peace with his family and started attending rehab at Seton Clinic in Burnet.

  The multiple family crises began to sort themselves out. Philip was exonerated. Heath and Cato got together. Ten remarried Molly and found out they were expecting twins. Ryder, not to be outdone and much to the chagrin of her family, found herself – not one – but two men to love. As expected, the whole family was keeping a close eye on these situations. Of course, Jaxson would never admit it to anyone, but he was a bit relieved for the attention to be diverted from him for a while.

  He and Chelsea got together a couple of times for a few beers. She was still rodeoing and Jaxson saw her less because of that, it made him feel uncomfortable to know she was doing something he could never do again. He was also a bit uneasy when he remembered how he’d used her as an excuse to…

  As he drove toward town for a session with his physical therapist, Jaxson lectured himself. “Don’t go there. Some things are better left alone.”

  All in all, the old adage that life goes on was true.

  Looking back, Jaxson was ashamed of how he’d acted. Playing that stupid game of Russian Roulette, risking death with every pull of the trigger. The only defense he could claim was the overwhelming despair of not being whole.

  Not being a man anymore.

  Oh, yea, he still had the equipment. He just had no desire to use it. He had no interest in revealing his shortcomings to a woman, any woman.

  Besides, the person who whetted his desire was no longer around. He’d pushed her away. Even though he’d forbidden his family to say her name, and he intentionally derailed most thoughts of her – Jaxson missed Tamara.

  Every time he went in to town, he couldn’t help but look for her. He’d even driven by her house a couple of times. Strangely enough, Jaxson never caught so much as a glimpse of her. It was like she’d disappeared off the face of the earth. Once, he’d picked up the phone to call her – but that would’ve been a dumb thing to do. Nothing had changed, not really.

  Still…he couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing.

  And if she ever thought of him.

  * * *

  “Stop thinking about him, you’re driving yourself crazy,” Tamara lectured herself as she began the last leg of her run. Thoughts of Jaxson haunted her. She couldn’t appreciate the beautiful scenery displayed before her for worrying about the past. “Come on, get it together girl, you’ve got a race to win.” Weeks of training in this high mountain air had given her a whole new respect for the sport. Sometimes, she seemed to exert twice the energy in a training session as she did in Texas.

  As she neared her destination, Tamara caught a glimpse of someone parked in her drive. Peering into the distance, she could see it was Storm. “Hey!” She raised her arm in greeting. “You’re home!”

  “I am!
Come on, hurry! I’ve brought someone I want you to meet!”

  Picking up the pace, Tamara wondered who her other guest might be. The last couple of months had been a time of transition for her. She’d flown out to Colorado to finish up her work for Stallion Investments promoting the new energy drink, and to her parents’ dismay, she’d let Storm and Mad talk her into staying.

  Why shouldn’t she? Other than her folks, who balked at her cutting the apron strings, Tamara really had no ties in Texas. Her clients would find another coach and there were plenty of gyms in Colorado who would kill for her affiliation. The rest of the projects – the training, the writing, working with her sponsors – all of that could be done anywhere. At least here, she didn’t have to live with the constant fear of running into Jaxson. She didn’t think she could bear to see that look of rejection in his eyes ever again.

  Yet…he was never far from her mind.

  As she neared her friend, she could see he was leaning against his car, and someone was sitting on the hood. A woman. The closer she drew, the more certain Tam became that this was Storm and Mad’s sister, Clare. As she covered the few remaining yards, her mind reviewed what she knew of this girl.

  A brave soul, she lived on her own in the mountains and loved the outdoors, Tam remembered Storm telling her. Very creative Clare made her living by painting, writing, and making crafts. Tamara envied those talents, she couldn’t craft her way out of a paper bag. She could also recollect Storm saying his sister had a pet bear or something… “Wow,” she whispered, the one thing the brothers hadn’t told her was how startlingly beautiful she was. Tamara had pictured a hippie/tomboy type with a flannel shirt and hiking boots. “Boy, was I wrong.” This woman was an ethereal vision with a waterfall of blonde hair. Not brown or honey-colored or muddy like her hair, this was pure gold, a perfect mix of sunlight and moonlight. She reminded Tam of Pepper, in a way.

  “Tamara, this is Clare Connelly. Clare, this is Tamara Grayson.”

  “Hello, it’s so good to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you,” Tam went forward to take Storm’s sister’s hand. Just as she approached her, Clare looked Tamara right in the eye and she almost gasped. Her eyes were violet. Not blue. They were purple, and something told Tam the hue didn’t come from colored contacts.

  “Tamara, I am so honored.” Clare enveloped her in a big hug. “I am a huge fan! You are so inspiring!”

  Tam felt more self-conscious than usual with the attention. “Thank you so much. I’m a great admirer of your work too. Storm showed me some of your pieces. I especially loved the series you did on wolves.”

  Clare nodded. “Me too. I actually was lucky enough to have a couple pose for me.”

  “We call her Dr. Doolittle, she talks to the animals.” Storm hugged his sister affectionately.

  “Won’t you two come in?” She invited them into the small Craftsman style house she’d bought after deciding to stay in Colorado. The place was as close to the Connelly’s ranch as she could find. Storm and Mad had gone out of their way to make her feel at home. When she wasn’t training, Tamara spent a great deal of her spare time on their ranch learning to ride and helping take care of their animals. At times, she felt odd doing those things with someone other than Jaxson. She’d dreamed of working alongside him at Highlands, being part of the family, him teaching her everything she needed to know to be a proper rancher’s wife.

  “We can’t stay long,” Storm said as he came alongside the two women.

  “I’ll get us something cool to drink.” Tam could see Storm’s hands were jammed in his pockets, and she was reminded of how he’d tried to kiss her a couple of weeks back. She’d thanked him but turned down his advances. He told her he understood, that it was just too soon. Storm had cupped her face, looked deep into her eyes, and told her he’d wait for her to come to him. Since then, he’d been nothing but a gentleman, a good friend. Tamara didn’t know if she could ever return his feelings, she was still too much in love with a man who didn’t want her at all.

  “Sounds perfect.” He stepped forward and held the door for the two ladies. “While you two get acquainted, I’m going to take a look at that porch swing. I told you I’d tighten the bolts.” He gave Clare a wink and Tam a meaningful stare, then he was gone.

  “My brother’s in love with you.”

  Tam almost tripped over the rug. “We…I…”

  “But…you’re in love with someone else.” She’d stopped by a framed series of photographs. “This man.” Clare touched one of the pictures, a shot of Jaxson riding a bull at the Fort Worth rodeo. Pepper had sent her a whole array of pictures by Joseph the last time he visited, along with a note for her not to forget them.

  As if she could.

  “Yes, his name is Jaxson McCoy,” Tamara confessed. There was no use denying it, his face was everywhere. Maybe that was the reason Storm didn’t like to spend much time in this room. Funny, she’d never thought of it that way. “We’re…not together anymore.”

  “Hmmm.” She moved on to another photo, one of the whole family at their cousin Noah’s wedding. “Who’s this?”

  Hearing the odd inflection in her voice, Tamara moved closer to see who she was pointing at. “Oh, that’s Nathan McCoy, he’s a first cousin of Jaxson’s.”

  “Nathan.” She said the name softly, slowly. “I feel like I should know him. Tell me about him.”

  “Oh…” Tamara racked her brain. “I don’t know him well. He’s the youngest of six brothers. They lost their parents years ago in a flashflood. His older brothers raised him.” She stepped forward and named them all, including Jaxson’s family. “They’re a handsome bunch, aren’t they?”

  “He’s special.” She rubbed her finger over the glass.

  “Yes, I think he’s very nice. He’s done well in school. He’s a great horseman. Loves animals. I think his dog’s name is Lucky.”

  “He died,” she said simply.

  “Uh, no. He and the dog are both fine,” Tam said, then she recalled a story Cady had told her about Nathan and his sister-in-law. “Unless you’re referring to the time he almost drowned and Jesse, the woman who married his brother, Jacob, rescued him.”

  “I knew it.” She smiled. “I recognized him. I died too. Once upon a time.”

  Tamara was taken aback. “You did? How?”

  “My heart stopped.” She touched her chest. “It’s not very reliable.”

  “Yet you live alone. And your brothers let you?” Tamara was staring at her, amazed at the aura of peace surrounding her.

  Clare left the photo and walked past Tamara into the kitchen. “My brothers love me too much to stop me. I want to live while I’m alive, Miss Grayson. I want to see and do everything I’ve dreamed about. I don’t want to regret my life.” She smiled at Tam. “We’d better get those drinks. What do you have to offer?”

  “Lemonade.” She scurried to find the glasses and filled them with ice. “How long are you home for?”

  “I plan on staying with my brothers for about a week before I return home to the mountains. I have a showing in Vail the day after tomorrow. That’s why we stopped by, Storm thought you might like to come.”

  Tamara noticed how carefully Clare specified where she considered her home to be. “I’d love to go. Your family has been very kind to me since I moved here.”

  Clare nodded. “We all need friends to help us along the way to our destiny.”

  “Are you psychic or something?” Tamara finally asked. “Because I’ve heard stories,” she added with a laugh.

  Shaking her head, Clare giggled. “Oh, no. I wouldn’t call it psychic. I’m just tuned in to the world, I guess you could say.”

  “Tuned in.” Tamara poured the lemonade. “Well, if you pick up any wave lengths about me, let me know.”

  “Well…I…”

  Clare looked at her funny, but a tapping at her kitchen door drew Tamara’s attention. “It’s your brother.” She went to let him in. “Hey. Will I be swinging soon?”


  “You’re all set.” Storm accepted a glass of lemonade from Tamara, looking at both women. “So, did you invite her?” he asked Clare.

  “I did.” Clare gave Tamara a searching look. “She accepted.”

  Tamara held up her glass. “I can’t wait to attend Clare’s showing. I look forward to spending the day with all of you.”

  They talked for a while longer, Tamara enjoyed their time together.

  When it came time for them to leave, she gave Clare a hug. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Okay.” She gripped Tamara hard. “Just be careful. Okay?”

  “Okay, I will.”

  Storm also gave her a quick hard hug. “If you need anything, you know where I am.”

  “Yes, I do. Thanks.”

  As she watched them leave, Tamara hugged herself tightly. The Connellys were a wonderful family and they’d been so good to her. When she went back into the living room, her eyes were drawn to the photographs of Jaxson. Most of them were taken before his accident, but there was one where he was leaning on a fence with his hat in his hand. His crutches were propped up on the railing beside him. Obviously, he had no idea Pepper had taken the picture. The expression on his face was tranquil. Tamara hoped he’d found peace.

  “How long will I love you?” she whispered to his beloved face.

  She was very afraid she knew the answer. “Forever.”

  And forever was a very long time.

  * * *

  “How does that feel?” Dr. Shipley asked as he stepped back to survey his patient and his new prothesis.

  “Strange.” Jaxson held his leg straight out. “Not bad. Just strange.”

  “All right. Are you ready to stand up?”

  Jaxson chuckled. “No.”

  The doctor smiled. “Let’s try anyway.” He pointed to the padded path equipped with hand rails. “I need you to test it, so I can make any adjustments necessary.”

  Taking a deep breath, Jaxson gave it a whirl. He felt like a man trying to walk on stilts. “Does crazy things to my balance.” He held on and stepped slowly. “Feels heavy and bulky.”