A Helluva Man

by Sable Hunter

  “Storm.” Tamara grabbed for his hand. “Don’t tell Jaxson. Tell Joseph not to tell Jaxson. Tell my parents not to tell him. Please, don’t tell him.”

  “Tamara…I…” He was about to argue with her when he saw her stiffen and jerk. “Tamara!” Out of his mind, Storm placed his hands on his head. “What’s wrong with her?” One moment she was looking around, the next she shut her eyes and lay still.

  “Please, sir, let us help her.”

  Storm had no choice. He watched as they loaded Tamara into the ambulance, then he raced back to the car to follow it to the hospital. When he reached the SUV, his expression alarmed Mad and Clare.

  “What was it?” Mad asked.

  “Tamara was hit by a car.” He pointed to the ambulance that drove past them, headed to the hospital. “Follow them!”

  “Oh, no! Was she hurt?” Clare asked as Mad maneuvered around several other vehicles to do as Storm asked.

  “Yes, I’m afraid it’s bad.”

  “Oh, poor Tamara,” Clare moaned, her heart hurting for their friend.

  They sped to keep up with the ambulance, arriving at the hospital right behind it. Mad let Storm and Clare off at the Emergency door while he found a parking place. When Storm barreled through the automatic doors, he watched helplessly as they carried Tamara into an examining room.

  Clare went to him, catching his arm. “I’m sorry, Storm. She’ll be okay.”

  Storm wasn’t so sure.

  After Mad joined them, they waited for what seemed like hours until a doctor came out to speak to them. “How is she?” Storm asked, hurrying to meet him.

  “She’s in a coma. Her skull is fractured. Her right arm and right leg are broken.”

  The look on the man’s face told Storm how serious her injuries actually were. “I don’t understand, she was talking.”

  “There’s a term for it, one you won’t want to hear. Don’t read too much into it, but that anomaly is called ‘talk and die’.”

  Familiar with the term, Storm winced when he heard it spoken aloud.

  The doctor continued, “Basically, her injury resulted in a brain bleed and as the condition progressed, the pressure resulted in a coma. We don’t know how extensive the brain damage will be.”

  “Brain damage?” Storm almost went to his knees. “Oh, my God.” He grabbed the man by his arm. “I want her to have the best of everything. The very best. Whatever it takes.”

  “Just call her folks and tell them they need to come.”

  A spike of fear lanced through Storm. “Is she…?”

  The doctor shook his head. “I’m not saying that…but if she’s close to someone, call them. She’s going to need to hear familiar voices and she’s going to need all the support she can get.”

  Storm picked up his cell to call Joseph and her family.

  As instructed, the one person no one called was Jaxson.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Nine months later…

  “Still no answer?” Ryder plopped down by Jaxson on the leather couch in front of the 4G flat-screen.”

  “Nope.” He tossed the phone to one side. “She’s not answering. She never answers.” Frankly, he didn’t know why he kept trying. Tamara had made it abundantly clear she never wanted to hear from him again.

  “I’m sorry.” She covered her hand with his.

  Jaxson shrugged. “I had it coming.” In the midst of his self-preservation, he’d been more than cruel to someone who never deserved it.

  “No, you were hurting. We all lash out at the ones we love the most in times like that.”

  He dipped his chin, shaking his head. “No one said anything about love.”

  “You didn’t have to.” She kissed him on the cheek.

  “Actually, I was just trying to do what’s best for Tamara. I remember when you did the same thing.”

  His comment confused Ryder. “What do you mean?”

  “When you tried to distance yourself from Samson and Gideon, thinking you were protecting the family – you were damn hard to deal with.”

  Ryder laid her head back. “Yea, you’re right. Sorry if I was grouchy. Sometimes life is…challenging.”

  “Well, if those fancy cowboys ever give you an ounce of trouble.” He made a fist and showed it to her. “I’m your man. I’ll wipe the floor with those rich boys.”

  “No need. They love me more than anything.” She smiled at him, then walked quietly away.

  Jaxson felt something very akin to jealousy eat away at his soul. Ryder was happy and she deserved to be. Tamara was avoiding him, there was just no other explanation. He’d even called her parents, but they refused to give him any information at all. Even Joseph sidestepped his questions. There was nothing more for him to think other than they were all following her instructions. She’d washed her hands of him, and Jaxson couldn’t say he blamed her. She probably counted herself lucky to have escaped the relationship.

  Holding onto the coffee table, he stood to his feet. Not everything was perfect in his life, but at least he was able to do the job he loved.

  Going through the kitchen on his way outside, he put his empty coffee cup in the sink. When he glanced out the window, he smiled. Three young calves were gamboling across the pasture, not a care in the world. Their antics reminded him of his rodeo days, he could still feel the energy of being in the arena, doing his damnedest to stay on the back of a bucking bull. How he missed those days! Truthfully, he was almost to the point where he could compete again. There was just one thing stopping him – and it wasn’t the conniption fits his family would throw. No, between the ranch and his work at the hospital with the support group, he didn’t have the time – and he wasn’t willing to give up either of those things.

  “Hey, where you headed?” Tennessee asked him as he came from the laundry room with an armload of dry diapers.

  “To the clinic, it’s Monday, I have to get ready for the support group.”

  “Wow. I am impressed. When you first started this thing, I couldn’t imagine it would become a permanent thing in your life.” He sat down in a chair, tossed the diapers on the dining table, and began to fold them.

  “We’re all capable of doing things out of our comfort zone if its important enough.” He nodded at the laundry in front of them. “Look at you. Who would’ve ever thought Tennessee McCoy would be on diaper duty? Cloth diapers, at that!”

  Tennessee grinned. “Yea, those twin girls of mine are super important to me. They’ve changed my life.”

  “And this is important to me. When Scott left, I didn’t know if I could handle the responsibility or not, but I’m glad I tried. Not only did the support group change my life, but I’d like to think I’ve helped other people.”

  “I don’t doubt it, I’ve heard some great things around town about you. And we used to think you weren’t good for much more than riding a horse and throwing a heavy bale of hay.”

  Tennessee’s joking words were like a punch in the gut, mainly because they hit so close to home. “I know I’m not smart.”

  “Not smart?” Tennessee stared at him. “You do realize that was a joke.”

  “No, it’s the truth. You know it. I know it. I still can’t sit down and write a letter or a grocery list fit for someone to read. Hell, I couldn’t write a love note if I wanted to. You know I have that stupid learning disability.”

  “Well, thank God no one writes anything by hand anymore – not with texting on cell phones and word processors on computers.” He threw a diaper in Jaxson’s face. “The last thing I wrote was…” He threw another diaper. “I guess I signed my marriage license.”

  Jaxson folded the diapers. “Well, I don’t have to worry about that anytime soon.”

  “Look, you’re doing great. Hell, we’re all doing good. Philip’s free as a bird. Heath’s happily married. I have the love of my life back in my arms and two precious children to boot. Ryder is sitting in the cat bird’s seat with her Duke brothers and Pepper seems happier than she
’s ever been. And you…brother you’re here with us. One leg or two, we wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

  Jaxson nodded. For a while, he’d been so consumed by self-pity and doubt that there hadn’t been any room in his mind for much else. But now, he realized he was going to make it. He might not be the man he once was, but he no longer wanted to hide from the world. The one hurdle he hadn’t attempted to clear was women – he still hadn’t arrived at the place where revealing his loss was comfortable. In his jeans and boots, no one could see – they might know, but they couldn’t see. Even if Tamara would suddenly walk back into his life and want him back, he wasn’t sure if he’d have the courage to try and be a man with her again. But…she wasn’t coming back, there was no use wasting time hoping for something that could never be.

  * * *

  “Everyone, make sure and sign the register, and if you’re a first timer, take the forms and fill them out. All the information is kept confidential.” Jaxson winked at Owen, who was serving at his assistant. “Take Mr. Blackhawk a pen. I don’t think his is working.”

  “Mr. McCoy,” a woman said, waving at him from a side entrance. “Ms. Sorenson is here and she needs help getting her wheelchair out of the car.”

  “No problem.” He moved to help. “I’ll be right back,” he told anyone listening. “Don’t start without me.”

  …Outside the meeting room, a slender figure made her way slowly down the hall. Every step was precise. Every move modulated. Keeping her head down, she eased into the meeting room and found a seat at the back, one partially behind a pillar. Tamara didn’t like to attract attention. Being out in public made her nervous. She sat on her hands, staring at a piece of metal art on the wall, the tree of life. She knew it represented the natural order of things, the progression of life. Only her life wasn’t progressing normally, it had taken a turn she never expected. Her future could never be what she’d hope or envisioned.

  Shaking with trepidation, Tamara’s eyes scanned the room, hoping she saw no one she knew. Since returning to Burnet, she’d done her best to avoid familiar places and familiar people, having no desire to explain the unexplainable.

  With her savings depleted and her parents almost destitute, returning home was her only option. The Connelly family had offered her a place to stay free of charge, but Tamara couldn’t bring herself to impose. Since her accident, nothing was the same, especially her.

  When someone from behind tapped her on the shoulder, she almost jumped out of her skin. Turning, she saw an older lady with very pale skin. She appeared to be weak and her breathing was shallow. “Yes?”

  “You look familiar? Do I know you?”

  A thunderclap of panic hit her. She had no desire to be recognized. For a few seconds, they studied one another, each trying to place the other. “I don’t…think so.”

  The woman didn’t give up. She kept staring, then smiled. “Tammy Grayson. You’re Sheila and Richard’s daughter.”

  Tamara nodded. “Yes.”

  She patted her chest and smiled sadly. “I’m Esther Howard, Donna’s grandmother. I remember you coming to see her at my house, just before…” Her voice trailed off.

  Just before Donna died. Tamara nodded. “Remember.” She would’ve never recognized this lady in a million years, her illness had taken a drastic toll.

  A confused expression flitted across Ms. Howard’s face. “Why are you here? Is something wrong?”

  What could she say? She closed her eyes, remembering what her father had said about poor Donna. How she was a drain on society and on her family. Well, she was exactly what her father always feared.

  “I have a…” Tamara was saved from responding when someone else approached Esther to ask about her health. She was so humiliated, trying to speak. When she was nervous, her speech was extra slow. Hopefully, no one else would say a word to her tonight. Coming here was a really bad idea, she said to herself. The doctor thought attending these sessions would be good for her, but she couldn’t see how.

  Knowing the group meetings were about coping with loss, she let her eyes rove up and down the rows, trying to assess what everyone’s problem might be. Maybe some of them were like her. Slow.

  Clasping her hands together, Tamara tried to whisper the word that defined her condition. “Ah…” Speak up, Grayson. Just spit it out. “Ah…pha…” Shaking her head, she admitted to herself she couldn’t do it. She was too agitated.

  What if they asked her to stand up and introduce herself?

  “No.” Tamara trembled just thinking about addressing this crowd. The only thing worse she could think of would be running into Jaxson somewhere. Oh, that would break her heart in two. Tamara never wanted him to know what she’d become.

  Bowing her head, she rested it against her knees, wishing she could slip into a hole and hide.

  “Hey, lady. I’m Owen. What’s your name?”

  Tamara jerked upright to find a cute little boy standing next to her. He wore a prosthetic leg, but his smile was as bright as could be. “I’m Tam a rah.” They way she said her own name was so choppy she almost didn’t recognize it herself.

  “Hey. I’m the welcoming committee.”

  She gave him a big smile and her hand to shake.

  “You’re pretty. Can I sit by you?”

  She nodded her head and was shocked when he took her hand. Oddly, Tamara found the human contact very comforting.

  “All right, time to get started.”

  The familiar drawl hit Tamara like a sledge hammer.

  “I want to welcome everyone today. This is going to be a great session, we’re lucky to have one of Austin’s premier specialists visiting with us.” From the podium, Jaxson could see almost everyone. There were a few seats in the rear he had to step to one side to view and when he did – his heart almost stopped and he completely lost his train of thought. “Tamara?”

  Stunned and shamed, Tamara was already on her feet and halfway to the door. She could scarcely comprehend that she and Jaxson were in the same room. When their gazes locked, she’d seen the surprised recognition in his eyes. “No, no, no.” She couldn’t face him. Not now. Not ever.

  Hurrying as fast as she could, Tamara ducked into the hall and then chose a random door to duck behind, hoping she wouldn’t end up somewhere she shouldn’t be.

  Back in the meeting room, Jaxson was quickly passing the buck. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to step out for a bit. Before I go, I turn the program over to Dr. Hallman, Director of the Central Texas Cancer Institute.”

  Without waiting for his guest to take the microphone, Jaxson hurried from the room as best he could. When he didn’t see her waiting anywhere, he took off for the elevator. “The parking garage,” he mumbled, knowing that was the best place to start looking. Unfortunately, when he arrived, she was nowhere to be found. “Where are you, Tamara? Why did you run?”

  With hands on his hips, he tried to think. The only reason she could be there was to see him. Someone must’ve told her where he’d be. Why did she leave so abruptly? Did she change her mind that quickly? Did the sight of him remind her of his handicap?

  …Down the street, Tamara rushed to the bus stop. Her heart was hammering ninety to nothing. Her steps were fueled by the terror of Jaxson finding her. She stared at the bus schedule, trying to make sense of the words she was seeing. It took her a few seconds to sound them out and recall their meaning. Seeing the bus wouldn’t be along for another fifteen minutes, she hurried off, fearful she might run into Jaxson. She tried to tell herself the likelihood of him following her was slim – why would he? Still, she didn’t want to risk it, she was too ashamed for him to find her, to see the pity on his face.

  A few blocks away, she found another bus stop with a different route, not the one she should take, but one that would get her out of town. She refused to call her folks, she was fighting as big a battle with them for her independence as she was fighting with her brain damage.

  After climbing on the new bus, paying
her token, and finding a seat, she rested her head against the window and tried to calm down. This was a nightmare. The whole thing had been one long, endless nightmare since the moment she’d been crushed against the side of the mountain. With her eyes unfocused, the familiar scenery passed her by while unwanted thoughts flooded her mind.

  In total, she’d been in a coma for two months. Four weeks after the accident, because of her persistent vegetative state and her advance directive, the doctors had wanted to remove her feeding tube. Her mother and father refused to give up. With Storm’s help, they’d gone to court to stop the action. Most days, she was grateful they had – she was alive.

  But she was changed. Forever changed.

  The sad ordeal had taken its toll on her and everyone else in her life. She certainly had no desire to add the man she still loved to that number. Even though Jaxson’s inborne good manners might cause him to seek her out at the meeting, she couldn’t see him pursuing it further.

  And she was glad. He’d pushed her away when she was normal. She couldn’t bear to consider what he’d think of her now.

  The moment she opened her eyes to her new reality was indelibly burned in her memory. Her thoughts had been coherent, she could wiggle all ten toes, and all ten fingers. But when she’d opened her mouth to speak, the truth of her condition had fallen on her like an avalanche.

  Oh sure, if one just looked at Tamara, nobody could tell there was something terribly wrong with her. She could still walk and talk, albeit slow as molasses. She could even run, but her finely tuned coordination was history. It had been a huge shock to her system to find out she could no longer do things with the same perfection as before. She’d lost her edge, that ability to make microsecond decisions. As much as Tamara had always secretly wished for a way out of the constant pressure her father put on her, she would give anything to have things the way they were before. She’d love to sit through another one of her father’s lectures about how important sleep and a proper diet was to maintaining her competitive edge.

  But Richard Grayson no longer had those talks with his daughter.