A Helluva Man

by Sable Hunter

  As the leader of the support group, Jaxson kept a record of all the attendees, be they referred or not. Sure, the information was minimal at best, sometimes even as little as a doctor’s note referring a patient to the group or a card with contact information. It was a support group, so knowing things about each other wasn’t as important as the trust the group needed to operate correctly. Each member should feel free to reveal what they wanted about themselves, when they felt comfortable doing so. Of course, they’d never felt the need to lock their door when meeting. Usually, these were the type of sessions a person had to be roped into attending, they weren’t especially entertaining.

  Closing the door to the tiny office he shared with other support group leaders, he shuffled through the pile of papers that had been left on his desk. A few flyers for upcoming functions and a hospital newsletter were put aside quickly, the usual fare – but one piece of paper caught his eye.

  The document had a letterhead at the top, but he didn’t focus on it at first. One paragraph was all there was to it, but Tamara’s name jumped out at him immediately.

  Jaxson read the paper once. “No.” He read it the second time, and then the third before tossing it down and slumping back in his chair. “Well, hell.” He’d thought Tamara had come to see him – but she hadn’t. “God…no!”

  Tamara had been referred to the group by a doctor.

  Jaxson reached for the letter again and this time focused on the letterhead. “Doctor Stephen Q. Mathias. Neuro-specialist. What the hell? Neuro?”

  As usual, the note referring her to the group was basic, no more than an ‘I’m Doctor So-and-so’ and I refer my patient to this group.’ There was no information on who Tamara was or what she suffered from. Again, the need for privacy and the participants to come along at their own pace was paramount in this group, but damned if Jaxson wouldn’t have paid a king’s ransom for just one line letting him know why she’d been referred to a support group, let alone, to his support group.

  Fishing his laptop out of the top drawer, Jaxson endeavored to look up this mystery doctor he’d never heard of before. A lump formed in his throat when he saw the doctor’s specialty.

  “Brain injury?” Jaxson’s heart sank into his stomach like a stone. “But she looked just as perfect as ever.”

  Surely there must be a mistake. He spent the next few minutes searching for any other Dr. Mathias’s online, but the only one that came up in the area was the same one whose name was on the letterhead.

  Did Tamara have brain damage?

  It was impossible. He’d talked to her himself. Seen her with his own two eyes, the girl was just as picture-perfect and unspoiled as she’d been the first time they met.

  “Damn it, Jax.” He stood from the desk and walked around the front. “You were too blown away by her sudden appearance to notice anything could have been wrong.”

  It was true, he’d been floored by the sight of her gorgeous face and then flustered when he’d seen her at her home. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”

  Now, it all made sense.

  Her slow, stuttering speech. She’d seemed flustered and almost confused when they’d talked, but he’d chalked it up to nerves – Lord knows he’d been more nervous than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs while they were talking.

  Why wouldn’t she have been nervous also?

  A sense of desperation filled Jaxson.

  What had happened to her?

  “Leaving so soon?” Julie asked with a pout as Jaxson moved briskly past her in the hallway on his way out.

  “I have important matters I need to tend to,” he told her, not slowing his pace as he left the building.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Worry and dread almost overcame Jaxson as he drove back to Tamara’s house. How different this trip was from the first one, when the driving emotion had been merely a nervous anticipation of being with her again. Stopping out front, Jaxson sat in his truck for a few minutes.

  What if Tamara didn’t want to see him?

  Undoubtedly, her world had changed as much as his. What if she were no longer interested in him? Shaking his head, he relived for the thousandth time the awful way he’d treated her at the cabin. He’d been such an ass.

  To his surprise, his big ego seemed to be intact, despite the loss of his leg. When he’d spotted Tamara across the crowded room, Jaxson had been firmly convinced she’d come to see him. Now, he knew better, knew she’d been referred to the meeting by a doctor. The only thing he could assume was that the sight of him upset her to such an extent, she’d couldn’t wait to leave his presence.

  His head swam, trying to make sense of everything.

  Maybe God separated them for a reason. Maybe they weren’t meant to be together after all.

  The idea hit him like a karate chop right to the heart. The cold icepick of doubt twisted in his stomach and Jaxson considered driving away.

  “No. Hell, no,” he said aloud after a few moments of contemplation.

  Okay, he’d been wrong about the reason Tamara came to the meeting. Perhaps they didn’t have a future together. “But I’ll be damned if I tuck tail and run without at least talking to her.” He needed to find out what had happened to her. He had to make sure she was okay.

  Bounding from the truck, he hurried up on the porch. “Tamara!” He banged on the door with a strong fist when she didn’t answer the first few dings of the doorbell. “It’s Jaxson! I know you’re in there. I need to talk to you. Please.”

  No answer. He tried again. Nothing.

  Taking a seat on the steps, he waited for a few minutes. If she was avoiding him, then so be it. He’d just wait for a bit to make her think he’d left, then start banging again. She couldn’t avoid him all day.

  When he resumed his quest, he banged on the door and hit the bell to get her attention. “Tamara! I’m sorry. You might as well see me, I’m not going away.” This time when he banged, a splinter found its way into his palm.

  “Shit!”

  He wasn’t giving up, he’d just wait a few minutes and start up again. She couldn’t avoid him all day. Taking a seat, he used his knife to extract the sliver of wood from his flesh. Jaxson’s emotions were all over the place and it was while he dug the offending fragment from his skin that he remembered her mentioning something about a job. Just to be sure, he did one more round of banging on the door before he allowed himself to contemplate the idea that maybe she wasn’t up there in her room, peeking out from behind the curtain. Maybe she actually was at her job and not trying to avoid him.

  “Oh hell,” Jaxson muttered, climbing down the front steps.

  If Jaxson knew where she worked, he would have gone right over to talk to her, but he didn’t. Driving all over town to search for her, when he had no idea where to start, was foolish. If the beautiful needle wanted to be found, she would’ve given him a clue to which part of the haystack to search. Unfortunately, Tamara didn’t volunteer the information and he hadn’t been sharp enough to ask.

  Giving up, Jaxson decided to cut his losses – for today. There was work to be done at home that he couldn’t keep putting off. “Later, baby. I’ll be back.” As he started his truck to drive away, he took one last look at her house knowing two things were for sure and certain.

  One, Tamara was back in town.

  And two – she wouldn’t be able to avoid him for long.

  * * *

  Tamara was hypnotized by the rhythmic strokes as she brushed a white Appaloosa named Clayton with a curry comb.

  “There…you. Go. Boy. Like…that, don’t you? Yea. You…do.”

  Her speech was still slow and stilted, but she wasn’t self-conscious around the horses. They didn’t mind. Patting the horse on its flank softly, she returned to the brushing she found so soothing. The constant back and forth repetition helped her switch off her mind and relax for a while. This was her favorite part of her job and she looked forward to it much more than shoveling manure and soiled straw from the stalls.

&nb
sp; “You. Are. Hand-some.” The big App didn’t bear much resemblance to Memphis, but that didn’t keep Tamara’s mind from thinking about Jaxson.

  She wouldn’t be going back to any meetings, she’d tell her doctor she just couldn’t do it. “Swear. Thought…I. Would. Pee. Pants…Clay.” Tamara usually kept her distance from people and having a captive audience for her to talk to helped. “He Was…on – porch. When got…home. Sit-ting on my…steps. Sex-y and hand-some – as could…be.” Her nipples tightened at the memory of Jaxson McCoy. “What right? Waiting…my place, making. Me. Want him…again.”

  Part of her was scared to death to see him, scared to tell him about her accident. There was also a part of her that wanted to confide in Jaxson, tell him how she’d been hurt and how she had to work this part time job because she was on government assistance. How she didn’t want to be dependent on people, but now she had no choice.

  A lifetime ago, before her accident, she’d been foolish enough to believe Jaxson could be the man she could tell such things to, the man she could run to when she was happy or sad. Oh, she’d been careful with her heart, tried to guard it against being broken, but she’d occasionally allowed herself to hope for more. Those few, brief times when she’d dreamed of forever, made this situation hurt all the more.

  She missed him. He’d been her friend as well as the man she loved to give her body to. No one knew her better than Jaxson.

  The brain damage she’d suffered had robbed her of so much, but one of the things that remained crystal clear in her memory was how he didn’t want her anymore. The cruel words he’d spoken long ago, still stung like vinegar being poured over a fresh cut.

  Clayton stepped to one side and gave a neigh of disapproval when Tamara pushed down a little too hard with the brush. “Oh. Sorry.” She ran to fetch him a carrot as an apology. “Dang Jaxson, make…me hurt – you.”

  She might say ‘dang Jaxson’, but that wasn’t how she felt. The truth was…she missed the man more than anything. Seeing him today had been a total shock to her system, sending her into a panic the likes she hadn’t felt in months. Despite the turmoil, Tamara couldn’t deny she’d enjoyed the brief interlude. He was still the most handsome devil in the world and she was relieved to see him doing so well. The fleeting moments they shared would be filed away in the back of her mind forever.

  Considering all she’d lost with this aphasia – her abilities, brain function – Tamara was eternally grateful she still had her memories of happy times, especially those she’d shared with Jaxson. But memories were all she had now. She couldn’t imagine being around him at those meetings. She couldn’t even imagine being friends with him now.

  Even though she still longed for him with every fiber of her being, she couldn’t do anything about it. Her feelings hadn’t changed, but she had. She’d never be the woman she was, and that was a truth she’d simply have to live with.

  * * *

  “What in the hell is up with you today?” Heath swatted Jaxson across the back of his head, sending his Stetson floating to the ground.

  “Hey!” Jaxson barked back. “What the hell are you doing, bull-moose?”

  “Don’t you give me a ‘what the hell’. I asked you ‘what the hell’ first.”

  “What are talking about?”

  Heath took off a pair of tan leather gloves and shoved them into his back pocket before ladling a scoop of water out of the spring fed well next to him and taking a big sip. “You’ve been off since you got home today. Did something happen at the group? It’s not Owen, is it?”

  “Owen’s fine and so am I.”

  “Well you forgot to get baling twine while you were in town, you couldn’t remember the cattle count when Denver asked for an update, and you just poured a whole bucket of feed onto the ground instead of in the trough. So, something is definitely up with you.”

  Jaxson looked down. The bucket was still tilted in his hand and Heath’s words were true. There was indeed a heaping pile of cattle feed at his feet and not in the trough where the animals preferred it. “Well, hell.” He looked at Heath. “They’re animals. They sniff each other’s asses, I’m sure they won’t mind eating food off the ground for once.”

  Heath pinned him with a glare. “So that’s how you’re gonna treat our animals now?”

  Jaxson bent and retrieved his hat from the ground. “Piss off.” He glared at his brother, then walked off in a huff.

  Jaxson would never let him know it, but Heath was right. Something was up with him. A tiny, sexy blonde had his cock in a knot and his blood pressure rising. He hadn’t been able to focus on anything since seeing Tamara earlier this morning.

  God, she’d looked incredible, just as beautiful as he remembered. And boy, did he remember. He remembered daily, it seemed. Tamara Grayson had been the star of his masturbatory fantasies from the moment he’d first kissed her and the passage of time had not changed that. She was still Jaxson’s go-to during personal time and she’d looked good enough to eat this morning.

  Memories of the times they’d spent together. Fantasies he wished he could fulfill with her – these thoughts haunted his brain incessantly. After entering the barn, he hung up the bucket on a peg and leaned against the hayloft ladder, his hand moving down to rub his cock. “Well, I guess I’m no good to the Highlands operation today.” Jaxson needed to get his mind off Tamara and sitting around masturbating until he wound up in a coma wasn’t the way to go about it.

  Escaping to the stables, he set his mind to cleaning a few stalls, surely the smell of fresh horse manure would get his mind off Tamara for a little while. The odor worked as a distraction for about five minutes before Jaxson’s mind wandered back to the sudden appearance of the girl of his dreams.

  Jaxson wanted to know – check that – Jaxson needed to know what had happened to Tamara. Was she okay? Where had she been when she just up and vanished from Texas? And why had she reappeared as if by magic? But more than that, Jaxson ached to know why she’d been sent to his group by a neuro-specialist. “I have to know if she’s okay. I just have to.”

  A few hours later, Heath found him again. “Well finally you’re being of some use,” his big brother teased when he found Jaxson finishing up the last stall. “Listen,” he started again when Jaxson ignored him, “I just got off the phone with Hill County Stables. They’re looking to buy a couple horses.”

  “So, sell them a couple horses.” He kept up the steady, hypnotizing shoveling motion that was keeping him sane.

  “You’re the cowpoke around here. I want you to seal the deal and deliver them.”

  “Me?” Jaxson grunted. “You were on the damn phone with them. Why didn’t you just do it?”

  “Because I have other stuff to do around here. Look, I know something is up with you today, it’s no biggie. I told them you’d be in contact. Figure out the details and make the damn delivery. You’ve done it a thousand times before.”

  Jaxson muttered to himself. Couldn’t Heath tell he needed to be alone? “I can’t take it!” Jaxson threw the broom in his hands on the ground.

  Heath was dumbfounded. “Take what? Damn, Jax. It’s just a horse sale. No need to get so worked up.”

  “I need to know what’s going on!”

  “Boy, you have finally gone off your rocker. What in the name of Sam Hill are you blathering about?”

  “I’m going out. Be back in a while.”

  “It’s damn near bedtime. Where are you going?”

  Jaxson ignored his brother, the need to know what was going on with Tamara was too strong to ignore. He was worried about her – and that was the truth. Worried sick. Hopping into his truck, he headed toward Burnet.

  …Tamara was tired, she’d had a long day. Even after the grueling, physical labor of cleaning stalls and feeding the horse, her mind was still full of thoughts of Jaxson. There’d be no sleep for her tonight. Curled up on the couch with her feet tucked under a flannel blanket, Tamara absently stared at the television show while a couple from
Waco remodeled home after home. The same show had been playing since she got here, she surmised it must be some sort of marathon. No matter, she wasn’t really watching it, she’d merely flipped the television on so she wouldn’t feel so alone.

  The bang of a vehicle door slamming shut drew Tamara’s attention. “What is that?” she murmured. Rising from the couch, she went to the front door to look through the window. She’d spoken with her parents shortly after arriving home from work, she thought it might be her mom coming over to check on her. Sheila Grayson had a tendency to worry.

  Before she could stand on tiptoes to look out the window atop her door, a banging came from the other side.

  “Come on, Tamara, I know you’re in there.” It was Jaxson. “I saw the curtain move. Look, I just want to talk. I need to know what’s going on.”

  Tamara hesitated. As much as she missed Jaxson, this was the last thing she wanted right now. She wasn’t prepared for this. Heck, she might never be prepared for it. Leaning her head on the door, she tried to think.

  “Tamara!”

  He wasn’t going to leave and she knew it. She could remain quiet and he would eventually go away today, but she couldn’t avoid him forever. Not living this close. And the sad truth was – Tamara had nowhere else to go. Her days of globetrotting were over. Maybe it was better to just open the door and let him view the ugly truth – then he’d be glad to leave her alone.

  Summoning up all the courage she had, Tamara placed a hand on the doorknob. “Here…we. Go.”

  Taking a deep breath, she looked Jaxson in the eye. Trembling, she felt like she was facing the gallows. “What…are – you doing?”

  Jaxson looked deep into her eyes, trying to read the secrets he could feel her keeping from him. “I need to know what you were doing at the meeting.”

  Tamara’s head sagged as her eyes closed. “Mis…take.”

  “What?” Jaxson wasn’t following.

  “The – meeting. Me com-ing.”

  He continued to stare at her, trying to read the signs. “I guess that depends on why you came.” Jaxson balked at what he’d learned. His idea of someone with brain damage didn’t jive with these bright eyes filled with intelligence and sorrow. He felt himself tremble, she was just as beautiful as always with a body that would stop traffic and a face so exquisite a man could dream of it forever and never long to see anything else. So, she stuttered a little…so what?