Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The fox chuckled. Now the boys would have to cut a wider hole. In a matter of minutes, he’d be free.

  “You know, now that those burgers are cold, they’ll be disgusting,” said Alf.

  “And the fries will be mushy,” Ralph said.

  “Paw promised us lunch for cutting wood,” said Alf.

  “Yep,” said Ralph.

  So they left the firewood where they’d stacked it and started walking home.

  The fox was stunned. It looked like he’d have to wait until he was thinner, after all.

  Halfway home, Alf turned to Ralph. “I’ve been thinking,” Alf said. “We can’t leave that food in the tree to rot. Some poor animal might eat it and get sick.”

  So Ralph found a board to seal the hole in the tree. And Alf hammered it into place. “That’s better!” they said, and they hurried home to lunch.

  Moral: Outsmarting dumb people is harder than you think.

  THE END

  KING ARTHUR’S MYSTICAL ISLE

  ..........................

  Could the legendary island called Avalon exist in the real world?

  CLAIM TO FAME

  The town of Glastonbury in the United Kingdom claims a connection to the legend of King Arthur. The town council says that a nearby hill is the site of Avalon, the mystical island on which Arthur and his queen, Guinevere, lived, died, and were buried.

  The hill is called Glastonbury Tor. Tor is the Middle English word for a bare or rocky hill. Glastonbury Tor looks unnatural, artificial, as if raised by men (or magic). It can be seen from twenty miles away, sticking up above a flat green landscape. The remains of a pathway thousands of years old spiral up the hill.

  But there’s one big problem with Glastonbury Tor being the site of Avalon: It’s a hill, not an island.

  WHERE’S THE WATER?

  Things change, says the town council. “It is believed that originally the settlement did lie among lakes and marshland.” That appears to be true. The area is not far from the sea, and at the end of the last ice age, about 12,000 years ago, melting ice flooded the low-lying plain. For thousands of years, several feet of water covered the area. It’s possible that the Tor was still surrounded by water in Arthur’s time (said to be around A.D. 500).

  ARTHUR GETS TREED

  In 1191, the town’s link to King Arthur was strengthened by a discovery at Glastonbury Abbey. Monks there claimed to have found the burial site of Arthur and Guinevere. Inside a hollowed tree trunk (some say an oak coffin) they found the body of a huge man.

  “He was probably slain by a sword wound to the head,” the monks said. Beside the man’s bones were the smaller bones of a woman, with golden hair still stuck to her skull. When monks touched the hair…it turned to dust. The monks also found a lead cross inscribed with the words, “Here lies buried King Arthur, in the Isle of Avalon.”

  THE HOLE IN THE STORY

  Was the body really King Arthur’s? Hard to say. In 1278 the remains were transferred to a black marble tomb and moved to the Abbey Church. In 1539, vandals broke into the abbey and carted away all the valuables they could find…including, it seems, the bodies.

  There are many legends about King Arthur’s life and death, but little proof to back them up. However, in 1962 archaeologists dug where the monks claimed to have found his grave. They unearthed a pit, about five feet across, exactly where the monks said they had found Arthur’s and Guinevere’s remains.

  COLOR POWER

  ..........................

  Watch out! The color you wear may change your day.

  RIDE THE WAVELENGTH. Light can be tricky. Take sunlight—it may look white, but it contains a rainbow of colors. And each color has its own wavelength. A rainbow shows off the wavelengths visible to the human eye: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.

  Because color is made of up light, the body soaks it in, mostly through the eyes and skin. Every single cell in the body uses light energy. That’s why color therapists claim that color can affect our bodies and our emotions.

  Some scientists call color therapists “crackpots,” but 1,500 hospitals and correctional institutions across America now have bubble-gum-pink walls. Why? Because officials are convinced that pink can keep patients (and inmates) calm. So choosing your clothes based on how colors affect you might be worth a try!

  WEAR BLUE FOR A CALMER YOU. Blue is the coolest color, so it might help you keep your cool when dealing with difficult people (like that kid shooting spit wads on the school bus). To really relax, wear blue and imagine yourself floating in blue water.

  GET AHEAD. WEAR RED. Even if the other team is undefeated, wear red if you want to win the big game. Red is the color of blood, passion, and power. And it projects confidence. If your team jersey isn’t red, wear red underwear and let the power of red soak into your skin.

  HAPPY FELLOWS WEAR YELLOW. Next time you feel down, pick up your mood by wearing yellow. This color is also all about looking on the sunny side of life.

  CHANGE THINGS. WEAR GREEN. Green—as in growing plants—is all about making things new. It’s also the color of hope. When you’re ready to change something in your life, change into green clothes.

  DON’T BE BORING! WEAR ORANGE. Tired of being ignored? Put some orange in your life. It’s the “fun and flamboyant” color, and it attracts attention. Orange is also warm, so it could be the key to making new friends.

  KICK BACK! WEAR BLACK. Black absorbs instead of reflecting light. Wear black if you want to hide from unwanted attention (although you may attract vampires).

  WANT PIZZAZZ? GO PURPLE. Red excites and blue calms. When you mix the two colors, you get purple. So wearing purple may make you feel a bit…unbalanced. But purple is the perfect color for days when you want to be creative: It inspires art, music, and poetry. And if you want to feel regal? Pull out those purple socks. Purple has been the color of royalty for thousands of years.

  BEASTLY ORIGINS

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  Ever wonder if mythical beasts were based on something real? Here’s what scientists and historians think.

  THE BEAST: Centaur

  THE MYTH: Half-man, half-horse, centaurs are wise, fierce, and really skilled with a bow and arrow.

  THE THEORY: Centaurs weren’t beasts at all. They were horseback riders. From a distance, someone riding a horse would look a lot like a beast—half-man and half-horse.

  THE FACTS: One archaeologist calls horseback riding “our first form of rapid transit,” but where and when did people first saddle up? Historians aren’t positive, but the first horsemen may have been from a tribe called the Botai. They lived in the vast grasslands between Central Asia and Europe about 5,500 years ago. Mounds of horse bones have been found in pits where the Botai once lived. Some of the teeth show wear patterns that could have been made by a bit in the horse’s mouth. If so, that could mean the horses were being bridled and ridden.

  THE BEAST: Mermaid

  THE MYTH: Half-woman, half-fish, mermaids swim in waters all around the world. They’re often seen staring into mirrors and combing their long hair (which is sometimes green). They have bewitching voices, and they use them to lure sailors to their deaths.

  THE THEORY: People didn’t see mermaids; they saw manatees—big gray aquatic mammals with paddle-shaped tails and two front flippers.

  THE FACTS: Tales of mermaids were familiar to explorers like Christopher Columbus. He wasn’t surprised when he spotted three of them off the coast of Haiti in 1493. What did surprise him? They were “not as pretty as they are depicted, for somehow in the face they look like men.” If the theory is correct, Columbus spotted manatees, and they have wrinkled faces and whiskers on their snouts. (Talk about manly!)

  THE BEAST: Griffin

  THE MYTH: Griffins are four-legged beasts with the head, beak, and talons of an eagle and the body of a lion. Griffins can fly. So they live in nests high up in mountains. Their job? To guard gold and other priceless treasures.


  THE THEORY: Descriptions of griffins were based on the fossilized bones of a dinosaur called Protoceratops (pro-toe-SAIR-uh-tops).

  THE FACTS: More than two thousand years ago, miners dug for gold in parts of Asia’s Gobi Desert. They found huge beaked skulls sticking out of hillsides, and the bones of four-legged beasts scattered in the sand. When miners saw these bones, they pictured creatures with body parts like those of animals they had seen: eagles and lions. But the fossils belonged to Protoceratops, a dinosaur that lived from 86 to 71 million years ago. It had four legs, as a lion has, and a beak, like an eagle has. But it didn’t have wings. The dinosaur’s long shoulder blades may have made people think the creature had wings.

  THE BEAST: Cyclops

  THE MYTH: These huge human-like creatures had just one enormous eye, right in the middle of their foreheads. They worked as blacksmiths, doing especially fine work for the Greek gods. For Zeus, father of gods and men, they made a thunderbolt. For Poseidon, the sea god, they made a trident. And for Hades, lord of the underworld, they made an invisibility helmet.

  THE THEORY: The giant beast with one huge eye was an elephant.

  THE FACTS: In A.D. 400, a Greek philosopher named Empedocles wrote about giant fossil skulls found in caves along the coast of Sicily. He believed the skulls could be those of the race of giants known as Cyclops. Others agreed. What made them think so? The large central hole where the elephant’s trunk would have been looks like an enormous single eye socket.

  οοο

  MR. WIZARD: Did you put the cat out?

  MRS. WITCH: I didn’t know it was burning.

  THE LOCH NESS PRANKSTER

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  THE LOCH NESS MONSTER and her buddy the giant eel were hiding behind a boulder at the edge of the lake, watching a motorboat tug through the icy fog.

  “Watch this!” Nessie nudged her friend.

  “Don’t do it,” Squirt begged.

  “They want to see a monster,” said Nessie. “We can’t disappoint them.”

  “Sure we can,” said Squirt. “They’ll put you in a net and carry you away. Then who will I hang out with?”

  “Don’t worry, Squirt,” said Nessie. “They’re humans. They can’t tell a monster from, I don’t know, a hollow log. Watch!”

  Squirt’s mouth gaped open as Nessie launched a hollow log across the lake, straight toward the noisy boat.

  “Careful,” Squirt whimpered. “They’ll see you.”

  “See me?” Nessie chuckled. “Not with those cameras pressed to their noses. Hey!” Nessie glanced at Squirt. “Did the water just get warmer?”

  Squirt blushed. “I only peed a little. And it’s your fault. You know what happens when I get scared!”

  The log drifted through the water toward the boat. “It does sort of look like you,” Squirt admitted.

  The log seemed to have a long neck, a horse-like head, and a thick-barreled middle. Four branches broke the lake’s surface just where Nessie’s fins might be.

  “I see it!” hollered a chubby lady in an orange life jacket. “Just like the monster I saw last year. Get closer!”

  The people on the boat stood up and pointed, rocking the boat sideways.

  “Steady!” said the driver. “You’ll swamp the boat.”

  A balding fellow wearing a bow tie and a houndstooth jacket stared into a video camera and started talking. “The monster measures about thirty feet long. And look how it paddles? Such graceful strokes.”

  “Is that video camera working?” demanded a man in a wet suit. “Hand it over and I’ll swim closer.”

  Just then the drifting log sank into the depths of the frosty water.

  “Nessie has bested us again,” said the man in the bow tie. “It’s almost as if she’s playing tricks on us.” Then he shook his head. “Sorry. That’s no way for a scientist to talk.”

  Nessie nudged Squirt. “Want to give it a go? You could pretend to be me!”

  “Don’t be silly.” Squirt wriggled. “Even humans aren’t dumb enough to mistake a giant eel for the Loch Ness Monster.”

  THE END

  TREATS TO CATCH A LEPRECHAUN

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  Most people think it takes gold to catch a leprechaun. But Uncle John found a tasty alternative: green cookies! (Caution: the smell of cookies baking may attract humans, too.)

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  SUPPLIES

  οBowl

  οWhisk

  οSpatula

  οPlastic wrap

  οBaking sheet

  INGREDIENTS

  ο3 tablespoons sugar

  ο2 tablespoons butter, softened

  ο½ egg, beaten

  ο⅓ cup smooth peanut butter

  οGreen food coloring

  ο⅓ cup flour

  ο⅛ teaspoon baking soda

  ο⅛ teaspoon salt

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Put the sugar, butter, egg, peanut butter, and a few drops of green food coloring into the bowl. Whisk them all together.

  2.Use the spatula to mix in the flour, baking soda, salt, and sugar. Stir until the batter is smooth.

  3.Wrap the dough in plastic wrap, and put it in the refrigerator to chill for half an hour.

  4.While the dough chills, preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Take out the dough and pinch it into six or eight balls of equal size.

  5.Roll each ball in your palms, flatten the balls slightly, and place them on your baking sheet.

  6.Bake the cookies for about 12 minutes and then let them cool.

  7.Place the cookies on a plate and let the leprechaun catching begin!

  οοο

  LUCKY CHARMS

  Tips to keep the little people from playing tricks on you.

  οWear your coat inside out.

  οLeave a tiny honey cake or some doughnut holes on your windowsill.

  οStick a sprig of holly in your hair.

  οUse chalk to draw a pig’s head on your door.

  οKeep an acorn in your pocket.

  οAlways leave a single sock under your bed.

  οCarry an anchor—or, if that’s too heavy, put an anchor charm on a chain or bracelet.

  οFind a wren’s feather and keep it with you.

  οHang a pair of fuzzy dice from your bicycle handlebar.

  οWear a bell to chase away tricksters (although…you might be mistaken for a cow).

  Three Silly Huntsmen

  Inspired by Mother Goose

  by Valeri Gorbachev

  FAIRY-DUST WISHES

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  Make bottles filled with fairy dust and good wishes!

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  οNewspaper

  οSmall bottles with lids or cork stoppers

  οA small funnel (a cake-decorating nozzle works well)

  οAssorted colors of glitter

  οDried crushed red, yellow, or orange flower petals

  οDried crushed lavender

  οSmall, blank stick-on labels

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Wishes are the most important part of fairy dust. Choose a good wish for yourself or for the person to whom you’ll give the fairy dust.

  2.To make your fairy dust, you’ll need a flat working surface out of the wind. Cover the surface with newspaper.

  3.Use flower petals or lavender, depending on the wish. Lavender is calming. Use that for soothing wishes. Flower petals have sunny colors. Use petals for more intense wishes.

  4.While thinking of your wish, use the funnel to pour your choice of petals or lavender into the bottle. Pour enough to form a shallow layer.

  5.Next, add a layer of glitter. Choose cool colors such as blue and green to go with lavender dust. Use hot colors such as red or orange to go with flower petals.

  6.Alternate layers of glitter and lavender, or glitter and petals, until the bottle is filled.

  7.Label the bottle with your wish, for exampl
e, Good Luck, Sweet Dreams, or First Kiss.

  8.If the fairy dust is a gift, add a note that says, “To activate your wish, sprinkle a bit of fairy dust beneath your bed.” Then let the magic happen!

  οοο

  ABRACA...HUH?

  Remember—magic words work best when spoken aloud.

  ο“Klaatu. Barada. Nikto.”

  —from the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still, 1951

  ο“Hooey fooey chop suey gefilte fish!”

  —professional magician Tom Kovnats

  ο“Bats in the belfry, pigs in a poke. Lose this bunny before I choke.”

  —from the 1960s’ TV series Bewitched

  ο“Boomerang, toomerang, soomerang.”

  —from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood

  ο“Arzemy barzemy yangelo igg lom…abra cadabra!”

  —from The Merlin Effect by T.A. Barron

  ο“Owa tagu siam!”

  —comic magician, the Amazing Gregory

  THE WOLF GIRL

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL with long black hair that fell to her waist in glossy strands. All the girls in school envied her. And all the boys wanted to sit behind her in class so they could practice tying her hair into the knots they were learning in Boy Scouts.

  The girl with the beautiful hair had a huge crush on a werewolf boy. When the moon was full, she followed him around like a sick puppy. But he always ditched her and ran off with his pack. The girl knew he wouldn’t hang out with her unless she did something drastic. So she paid a visit to the town witch. The witch offered a trade: she would turn the girl into a werewolf in exchange for her long glossy hair.