Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!
Page 11
THE PIE PIPER
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
IT WAS THE GRAND OPENING of Boris the baker’s Ye Old Pie Shoppe, and the whole village was there. The line of people eager to try Boris’s pies stretched out the door and snaked all the way around the block.
“This line is too long,” someone grumbled.
“These pies better be worth it,” said another.
“We’re bored!” whined the children.
Just then Peter Piper arrived. All the pies will be gone before I get to the front of the line, he thought. But then he looked down at his flute and had an idea. He edged his way into the shop.
“No cutting!” yelled a man.
“Boris the baker!” Peter waved his flute. “I will entertain your customers while they wait. Okay?”
“What’s the catch?” Boris narrowed his beady eyes.
“No catch,” said Peter. “Just a pie as payment.” Peter pointed to a plump berry pie on the shelf. “I’ll take that one there.”
“Not so fast,” answered Boris. “I’ll pay. But first you must play.”
“Fine,” said Peter.
Before long, the people had forgotten the long line as they clapped and danced to Peter’s tunes. When the last customer left the shop Peter went in to collect his pie. But every shelf was empty. “Where’s my pie?” he demanded.
Boris came out from behind the counter and shoved Peter toward the door. “Sorry!” he said. “Sold out!”
“Hey!” Peter protested. “That’s cheating, you cheating cheater.”
“Oh, go pick a peck of pickled peppers,” said Boris.
“What? What’s a peck, for Pete’s sake?” Peter asked.
“It’s a unit of measure,” Boris said, pushing Peter out to the sidewalk. “One quarter of a bushel!” And then he slammed the door in Peter’s face.
Fuming, Peter stood there for a few seconds before he looked down at his flute. He ran a thumb over the switch at the bottom of the instrument. His eyes narrowed. The wizard who’d sold him the flute had told him it was magic. He’d warned him not to flip the switch to “on” except in times of great need. Peter’s feet were sore from standing all day. His lips were swollen from piping and his stomach rumbled. He had a great need, all right. For pie! And he’d earned it. He’d give that cheating cheater Boris his just desserts.
Peter flipped the switch to “on” and the flute glowed with a golden light. “How about a peck of pies?” he yelled through the door. “How about a bushel AND a peck of pies?” He began to play his flute, and with every note a pie appeared. Tweet! A chocolate cream pie popped up in the flower pot. Tweet! An apple pie perched on the street lamp. Tweet! A lemon meringue pie popped into the gutter and gummed it up.
“Hooray!” shouted the villagers. “Free pie!”
Peter played while the villagers grabbed pies, stacked them high in their arms and in their wagons, and gobbled them as fast as they could. But for every pie someone claimed, two more pies popped up. Peter played faster. Mountains of pies shot toward the sky. Whipped cream waterfalls spilled from the rooftops and ran down the street. Meringue billowed and bubbled. Soon even the sunlight was blocked by sky-high stacks of pie.
“I can’t eat anymore!” someone yelled.
“Ack, my belly!” moaned someone else.
“If I see ONE more pie, I’m going to hurl!”
“Stop!” Boris ran from his pie shop. “Stop playing!”
Peter stopped. “Why should I?” he asked. “You cheated me. Now you’ll get your just desserts.”
“It’s not desserts,” Boris grumbled. “It’s deserts. ‘Just deserts’ means you’ll get what you deserve. Not that you’ll get dessert.”
“Exactly!” said Peter. “This!” He waved his flute toward the pies and the pie-stuffed villagers. “Is what you deserve for cheating me out of my payment.”
“This is YOUR fault?” The villagers glared at Boris. The baker backed away from the angry pie-sick crowd. “I’m sorry,” he yelped. “I’ll pay whatever you want, Piper. Name your price.”
Peter grabbed a plump berry pie from a newspaper box. “My price,” he said, “was a pie.”
“I’ll bake you a pie!” shouted Boris. “The best pie ever seen in all the land.”
“No need.” Peter took a bite of the berry pie. Purple filling oozed down his chin. “This will do nicely.”
“But my business,” Boris whimpered. “It’s done for. No one will want pie after all this.”
“And who’s going to clean up this mess?” someone yelled.
“Hmmm…” Peter looked at his flute. “I could bring in some rats to eat them.”
But THAT’S another story.
THE END
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THE BLACKBIRD KNOWS
Heard about the 24 blackbirds baked into a pie for a king? Here’s what happened after they got out!
The King was in his counting-house,
Counting out his money.
The Queen was in the parlor,
Eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
Hanging out the clothes;
There came a little blackbird,
And nipped off her nose.
WEIRD WIZARDS
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These real-life wizards take strange to a whole new level.
THE GEEZER. Artephius was a Spanish sorcerer who claimed to have a formula that would provide a very, very long life. First, he said, he visited hell to collect the fabled philosopher’s stone. Then he used the stone to make the “elixir of life.” Artephius shared his knowledge in a book called The Secret of Prolonging Life in which he claimed to be…1,025 years old!
THE HUMAN MAGNET. Robert Fludd was a “medical mystic” who lived in the 1600s. Fludd thought that the human body had magnetic poles, just like Earth does. One of his healing tools was a magnet made from human flesh. Fludd said that the best flesh for a human magnet came from “a body still warm, and from a man who has died a violent death.” He believed a human magnet could cure disease. How? By attracting the disease to itself, the way an ordinary magnet attracts iron filings.
THE TALKING HEAD. Albertus Magnus, a Catholic bishop in the 1200s, is said to have created a “machine” shaped like a human head. He claimed that the head could answer any question he posed to it. The problem: He couldn’t understand a word the head said, and it just wouldn’t shut up. So Magnus destroyed it.
THE FRIEND OF DEMONS. The Catholic Church accused Peter of Abano (1250–1316) of learning the “seven black arts” from seven tiny demons. The clergy said Peter kept the demons inside a special jar and let them out whenever he performed magic. Historians say Peter of Abano was a scientist whose ideas were too advanced for the time. Among his crazy ideas? Celestial bodies—like the moon—affect nature. (You know, like making the tides rise and fall?) At the time, the Church thought angels or demons controlled such things. Peter was condemned to be burned at the stake. When he died in prison before the sentence could be carried out, the Church burned a stuffed dummy in his place.
THE SMOOTH CRIMINAL. Count Alessandro di Cagliostro convinced a lot of people that he could turn cheap metal into gold. Could he? Well, he wasn’t known for being the most honest of men. For one thing, he wasn’t really a count. His true name was Guiseppe Balsamo, and he grew up in the slums of Palermo, Italy. By age 14 he had robbed his uncle, and he was suspected of helping to rob and murder a wealthy priest.
Di Cagliostro was eventually charged with fraud, conspiracy, deception, and lying. He was sentenced to death, but Pope Pius VI spared his life. He died in prison around 1795. There’s no proof that he ever turned metal into gold. But he did have some friends dress up like thugs and rob a gold merchant. The count’s trickery earned him the nickname Prince of Quacks.
ALCHEMICAL FACTS AND FAKES
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Which of these statements ha
ve been accepted at some time as factual, and which did we make up?
1.In A.D. 810, Jabir Ibn Haddyn wrote The Complete Guide to Gibberish to share his secrets with young alchemists.
2.Egypt’s Emerald Tablet was said to reveal the secrets of the whole universe. In A.D. 32, a young boy found the tablet hidden in a cave. For the next five years he didn’t talk and spent all his time studying the tablet.
3.Nicolas Flamel wrote a cookbook that included recipes for Stone Soup.
4.An alchemist named Saint Germain claimed he could calm bees and make snakes listen to music.
5.Three ancient arts became modern sciences—astrology became astronomy, natural magic became physics. And alchemy became chemistry.
6.Ancient Egyptians claimed that alchemy was not of this world. More than 3,000 years ago, visitors from outer space shared this secret science with mankind.
Answers on page 286.
COLOR ALCHEMY
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Alchemists tried to turn lead into gold, but they weren’t magicians. They were chemistry geeks who liked to mix things together to see what would happen. Now it’s your turn!
WHAT YOU NEED:
οLarge red cabbage leaf
οWarm water
οKnife
οLarge zipper-top plastic bag
ο2 clear plastic cups
οVinegar
οPowdered laundry detergent
WHAT TO DO:
1.Chop the red cabbage leaf into tiny bits. (If you’re likely to chop off your fingers, ask an adult to help.)
2.Put the chopped cabbage into a plastic bag with one cup of warm water and seal the bag.
3.Squeeze the bag until the water turns reddish blue, about three minutes.
4.Put ¼ cup of the blue water into each of the cups.
5.Add two tablespoons of vinegar to one cup. The blue water will change to pink.
6.Add one teaspoon of powdered laundry detergent to the second cup. The blue water will change to green.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
When mixed with an acid or a base, red cabbage water changes color. It changes to pink when an acid (such as vinegar) is added and to green when a base (such as soap) is added. If you’re an alchemist (or a chemist) you need to know how things will react when they’re combined. Acids and bases are opposites, so when they’re mixed together, they can neutralize, or cancel each other out.
Now that you know what color the water will be when an acid or a base is added, make more red cabbage water. Experiment to discover whether bubble bath, lemon juice, milk, and orange juice are acids or bases.
GROSS CHEMISTRY
οDo you have acid breath? Blow hard through a drinking straw into a cup of red cabbage water. Be sure to make lots of bubbles! If the water turns clear, it means you have acid breath. (Don’t feel too bad. Breath has carbon dioxide in it, which is acidic.)
οReady to foam at the mouth? Brush your teeth with baking soda toothpaste. Then take a sip of carbonated water (or soda). Open your mouth and let the foam roll! Caution: Do not swallow this stuff! Spit it out.
οGreen eggs, anyone? Crack open an egg and separate the egg white and the yolk into two different bowls. Mix a little fresh red cabbage water with the egg white. (Egg white is a base, so it will turn green.) Fry or scramble your green egg. If you like yolks, plop the yolk on top after the green egg fries a little. Eat your fried green egg, or coax a family member into eating it.
WHO WAS THAT MERLIN GUY, ANYWAY?
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Was the most famous wizard of all time a real person? Good question, but we don’t have a single answer… we have three!
BLOODY BRITAIN
For several hundred years, Britain (present-day England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland) was part of the Roman Empire. Then, around A.D. 476, the Romans retreated. They left the British Isles in a bit of a mess, with lots of would-be kings and warlords fighting for control. The bloody, war-torn years after the Romans left have been called the Dark Ages.
Enter: Merlin. Legend says Merlin was a great wizard who could see the future. He told of a king who would unite Britain under one rightful ruler. Britain’s real kings encouraged the myth. They wanted people to believe that their kings were destined to rule them. After all, Merlin had said so. But which Merlin?
MERLIN NUMBER 1: THE WARRIOR
People weren’t sitting around writing down what happened during those bloody battles. But they did sit around the fire at night and tell stories. What is known of early British history comes from stories passed from one person to another for hundreds—even thousands—of years. But written reports have been found about a man called Merlin: Merlin Ambrosius.
This Merlin may have been a Roman noble named Ambrosius Aurelius (or Aurelius Ambrosius) who stayed behind in Britain when the Roman legions left. Aurelius was a fierce warrior. He united the Britains and led them to victory against Anglo-Saxon invaders. And then, so the story goes, he gave up his power to a young man named Arthur. Arthur became king and Aurelius was his trusted advisor.
Could Ambrosius Aurelius have been the real Merlin? The name Aurelius doesn’t sound anything like Merlin, but military leaders often took battle names like The Lion, The Hound, and The Leopard. A merlin is a type of falcon—a strong, swift hunting bird. So The Merlin might have made a perfect nickname for a fighter.
MERLIN NUMBER 2: THE KID
There are also stories about a Merlin who was actually called Merlin. When he was just a kid, this Merlin was almost killed by a king named Vortigern. In the mid-400s, Vortigern named himself High King of Britain. Then he started building a fortress on a hill for protection against Anglo-Saxon invaders. But the tower kept falling down. Vortigern’s wise men thought it would help to kill a young boy and mix his blood into the cement. (They did things like that in the Dark Ages.)
The wise men scoured the country looking for just the right boy. It wasn’t easy. They thought the boy had to be “fatherless.” Unfortunately for Merlin, the wise men arrived at his village just as he beat another kid in a ball game. The boy said something rude, like “Yo, Merlin! You may have a great throwing arm, but you don’t have a dad!” It seems Merlin’s mother had spread the story that his father was a “spirit” who sometimes visited her.
The wise men dragged Merlin off to Vortigern’s fortress. Once he got there, he had a few things to say to the king. First he told Vortigern that there was a lake beneath the tower. Two dragons lived in the lake and their battles kept making the tower fall. Vortigern’s men dug down to the lake and found the dragons fighting, just as Merlin had said. The king had his not-so-wise men put to death and gave Merlin their job.
Was this clever boy the real Merlin? Most of what is known about him came from a book called History of the Kings of Britain written by a monk named Geoffrey of Monmouth. Geoffrey claimed that the history was a translation of a “very ancient book written in the British language.” Modern historians think Geoffrey’s “history” was based on folklore and legend, not verifiable fact.
MERLIN NUMBER 3: THE NUTCASE
And then there’s Lailoken—the Scottish Merlin. Legend says that Lailoken served a king named Gwenddoleu who had two huge birds that wore golden collars and ate four men a day. Lailoken was the king’s bard. A court bard had to be part poet, part historian, and part wise man.
Lailoken was living a rich life at court—he even had a gold collar of his own. In A.D. 573, King Gwenddoleu lost a bloody battle in southern Scotland. Three hundred of his soldiers were killed, and the enemy tossed their bodies into a mass grave.
Lailoken blamed himself for the defeat. He fled into the forest, where he lived for fifty years running around naked and talking to animals. The upside? The former bard gained the ability to see the future, including his own death. He predicted that he would die a “triple death.” And he did. First, he was beaten with clubs by shepherds. Second, he fell over a cliff into a river. Third, he drowned.
&nbs
p; Was this unlucky bard Merlin? Most of what is known about Lailoken comes from a few poems written hundreds of years after his death. There’s also a fragment of a manuscript written by a Scottish holy man named Saint Mungo. The saint said Lailoken wasn’t a wizard. He was a “hairy madman” who came to him once to confess his sins.
MERLIN BY ANY OTHER NAME...
Much of Britain’s written history of the Dark Ages comes from Wales. In those writings, Merlin is called Myrddin. But some say Myrddin, or Merlin, isn’t a name at all. It’s a job title. A “merlin” was a top-class bard. So Merlin Ambrosius, a name that shows up on a Welsh list of bards, means “The Bard Ambrosius.”
Others say the name Merlin isn’t really the best translation of the Welsh word Myrrdin. The word was first translated into Latin as Merdinus. Geoffrey of Monmouth changed the “d” to “l” and came up with Merlinus. Why mess with Merlin’s name? Geoffrey didn’t want the greatest wizard of all time to have a name that sounds like the French word for “poop.”
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THE ONCE AND FUTURE WIZARD
Real or not, stories about Merlin have been around for more than 1,500 years. These are some of our favorites.
Knights of the Kitchen Table by Jon Scieszka
The Young Merlin Trilogy by Jane Yolen
Here Lies Arthur by Philip Reeve
The Lost Years of Merlin series by T.A. Barron
The New Magic Trilogy by Pamela F. Service