Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  7.It’s almost impossible to tell a male dragonling from a female. Dragon tamers have lost fingers, eyes, and even noses trying to find out. The safest way to determine if you have a male or female dragon? Ask. If the dragon thinks you need to know, he (or she) will tell you.

  8.It takes a year for your dragon’s scales to harden, so it will be up to you to protect it from roving knights. Your dragon will be watching. The more knights you chase away, the more it will trust you (and the less likely it will be to eat you if you forget to feed it).

  SECRET ARTS OF THE NINJAS

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  Fact: Teenage mutant ninja turtles are not real. But ninjas? They’ve been around for centuries. And if you haven’t seen one, it’s because they don’t want you to see them.

  WARLORDS VS. PEASANTS

  Tracing ninja history is like trying to catch smoke in your hand. The first ninjas probably lived in the rugged mountains of Japan’s largest island—Honshu—about 1,100 years ago. Those were tough times for common people. Peasants often got caught in the cross fire between Japan’s powerful warlords.

  Simple mountain villagers stood no chance against a warlord’s powerful army. So they developed ninjitsu, a form of guerrilla warfare. Guerrilla warfare lets small forces take on big armies, often by using hit-and-run tactics. Ninjas learned to spy, to sabotage, and—when necessary—to kill. Over time, they not only learned to defend themselves, they became Japan’s stealthiest and most feared assassins.

  WHO PUT THE “NIN” IN NINJA?

  Japan’s ninjas learned the skills they needed from many sources. From Chinese warriors they learned stealth, resourcefulness, and adaptability. From Buddhist monks, they learned body conditioning and the use of potions. From Chinese pirates, they learned spying, sudden strikes, and spreading fear. And from their own people? They learned to observe nature and imitate plants and animals.

  HIDE AND SNEAK

  Need to hide? Act like a quail and hunker down in small gaps between bushes. Don’t want to be seen? Climb a tree like a raccoon (people almost never look up). Enemy headed your way? Curl up in a ball and “hide like a stone.” Ninjas became so skilled at using nature’s tricks that soon rumors about their “special powers” began to spread.

  People claimed to have seen ninjas walking on water, passing through solid walls, disappearing into thin air, and even changing into demons. Many Japanese believed ninjas were ghosts, sent to Earth to kill humans. Rumor has it that ninjas spread many of these tales themselves. Why? They knew that frightened enemies usually run away instead of fighting.

  OFF TO CAMP

  If you were born into a Japanese ninja family, you could begin training at age five. Both boys and girls could train, but where? After all, ninja kids had to keep what they learned secret from non-ninja kids. The solution: Ninja parents sent their kids to camp—ninja training camp. These camps were hidden deep in the mountains.

  At camp, ninja kids learned to leap from tree to tree, to climb the walls of buildings, and to cling to ceilings like flies. They learned to use weapons: throwing stars, links of chain, short swords, daggers, darts, and caltrops—big metal jacks with sharp points. (Ever step on a jack with bare feet?) Most of all, they learned “the art of stealth,” because a ninja’s most important job was to spy on enemies.

  Stealth means being so sneaky no one knows you’re there. To avoid being seen, ninja kids learned to walk silently and to wear black clothes that blended into the night. And they learned to carry powders made of ashes, pepper, and sand that could temporarily blind an enemy. (Can you see me now?)

  INVISIBLE ME

  Ninjas also used disguises to make themselves “invisible.” To sneak into a camp, village, or household without being spotted, a ninja couldn’t just put on a costume. He had to become someone else. Ninjas had seven main disguises to help them blend in: traveling priest, wandering samurai, musician, merchant, mountain warrior, entertainer, and Buddhist monk.

  To be truly invisible, the ninja had to walk, talk, work, eat, play—even go to the bathroom—like the character he was pretending to be. A ninja didn’t have to stick to one of the traditional cover roles, but he did have to chose each role carefully and make sure that nothing would give him away. Smooth hands could betray a young ninja if he tried to disguise himself as an elderly farmer. And a ninja grandmother’s wrinkles would give her away if she tried to pass as a schoolgirl.

  A DEADLY HAND

  Ninjas traveled lightly, carrying only what they needed. Their pockets might hold small weapons, a rope, dried food, medicine, packets of “blinding powder,” and claws made of leather and iron to help them climb walls. But even if their pockets were empty, ninjas always had their most effective weapons: their bodies.

  Ninjas learned to fight with their hands, feet, elbows, knees…even their shoulders. Some ninjas were said to be able to pull Earth’s energy into their hands. With one wave of the “Vibrating Palm,” such a ninja could strike an enemy dead without even touching him.

  CATCH AND RELEASE

  No matter how hard ninjas fought, sometimes they were captured. But ninjitsu is also “the art of escaping.” If a ninja found himself trapped on a boat, he could dive overboard. He could stay underwater for hours, breathing through a shallow reed until his captors gave up the search.

  Even when bound by ropes, a ninja could often get away. How? First, the ninja would stretch the tissue that connected two of his bones. Then he could pop the bone out of its socket. (Ouch!) Dislocating a bone loosened the ropes just enough for the ninja to slip free.

  To complete an escape, ninjas could open locks without keys or disappear in a puff of smoke. They could even pull snakes out of their sleeves and “vanish” while their enemies were screaming and running away.

  IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S...

  While Japan’s warlords fought it out, the ninjas’ “magical” fighting skills were in high demand. Powerful warlords hired them to spy on enemies. And noble samurai warriors—whose code of honor forced them to fight in the open—hired them to fight from the shadows.

  Both the warlords and the samurai are now part of Japan’s colorful history. As for ninjas? Their secret arts are still taught and still fiercely guarded. So if you’re out for a stroll and feel a shiver between your shoulders, don’t forget to look up!

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  Raj: Now, what can you buy your homeless friend for Christmas? I have a box full of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stationery sets I can’t seem to shift.

  Chloe: I’m not sure a tramp really has any need for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stationery set.

  —from Mr. Stink by David Walliams

  “Wise man say, ‘Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.’”

  —Michelangelo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

  THE PLATYPUS PRINCE

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  An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale

  ONCE UPON A TIME...in a faraway kingdom, there lived a handsome prince and a horrid, wicked witch. The witch had an ingrown toenail that hurt so much it made it impossible to be nice. Instead of making a doctor’s appointment—like a normal person would—the witch took out her pain on everyone else.

  One day while the prince was out taking a walk, he accidentally stepped on the witch’s toe—the one with the ingrown nail. The pain was so bad the witch’s eyes crossed. But she still managed to cast a spell that turned the prince into a platypus.

  Now a platypus, as everyone knows, is a furry pudgy creature with flippers instead of hands and a huge duck’s bill. The prince was not happy. “Why would you do such a thing?” he asked.

  “My toe feels like it’s going to explode!” wailed the witch.

  “I’m terribly sorry!” said the prince. He would have gotten down on his knees to plead with the witch, but, as everyone also knows, a platypus does not have knees. “Please, make me human again!”

  By then, the witch’s toenail pain was do
wn to a dull throb. “Fine.” She snapped her fingers.

  The prince looked down at himself with his beady black platypus eyes. “Still a platypus,” he said.

  The witch grinned. “For the counterspell to work, you have to get a girl to kiss you.”

  “A girl? Any girl?” The platypus prince scratched his pudgy belly with his claws. “I thought it had to be a princess.”

  “I’m lowering my standards,” said the witch.

  So Prince Platypus wandered the countryside, taking dips in swamps and looking for a girl to kiss him. But even the girls who believed his story couldn’t get past the fact that his breath now smelled like swamp gas.

  Every so often, Prince Platypus ran into the witch. And every time he saw her, she was turning someone else into something non-human. The prince knew he had to stop her, so he went to the doctor—the only one in the kingdom. He thought he’d have to wait for hours, but she called him in right away.

  Prince Platypus explained his plan. The doctor acted like she was listening, but really she was thinking about how slow business had been lately. Most of her patients had been turned into animals and were now going to the local vet.

  When the prince stopped talking, she wrote him a prescription for painkillers and told him to come back in a week for a follow-up.

  “Wait!” he said. “I don’t think you understand.”

  The prince explained his plan again. This time the doctor actually listened. “Just might work,” she said. She picked up the phone and called the witch. “There’s a platypus in my office claiming to be the prince,” she said. “He says you’re the only one who can verify his identity, and I need to bill his insurance. Could you come to my office right away?” Then she hung up and filled a syringe with knock-out juice.

  Prince Platypus took one look at the shot needle and started to sway.

  “Put your head between your knees,” said the doctor, forgetting that platypuses don’t have knees.

  The prince closed his eyes instead. A few minutes later, he heard something that sounded like a witch flying in through an open window. Then he heard something that sounded like a scuffle. Then he heard a teakettle shrieking, but it was the witch screeching because the doctor hadn’t waited for the knock-out juice to take effect before removing the ingrown toenail.

  When things got quiet, Prince Platypus opened his eyes. The horrible toenail was out.

  “What do I owe you?” the witch asked.

  “Nothing,” said the doctor. “The platypus is paying.”

  The witch was so happy to be pain-free that she kissed the platypus right on the bill. And he turned back into a prince.

  The witch looked at the doctor for a minute. “Actually, I think I do owe you something,” she said. And with one finger snap, she turned the doctor into an almiqui. You probably don’t know anything about those, since the species has been extinct for years. Imagine a woolly mammoth that’s about a foot tall. It has a long ratty nose and pointy rat’s teeth. In fact, imagine a woolly mammoth rat.

  “Next time you remove an ingrown toenail,” said the witch, “wait for the knock-out juice to kick in.”

  THE END

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  WORLD’S WEIRDEST ANIMALS

  Now that you’re worried about being turned into a weird animal by a witch, here are a few real-life possibilities!

  •Aye-ayes live on the island of Madagascar off the southeastern coast of Africa. They’re primates (so are monkeys) with shaggy fur, round staring eyes, and batlike ears. Their fingers look a lot like twigs with claws on the ends. And their middle fingers are bonier and longer than the others. Why? The better to pick grubs out of tree bark and eat them, my dear.

  •Naked-neck chickens come from Transylvania (legendary home of Count Dracula). They have feathered bodies like other chickens. But their necks? Those are long, skinny, and featherless, with bright pink skin that looks like it’s just been plucked. It hasn’t. The chicks come out of their shells with naked necks.

  •Sucker-footed bats (also from Madagascar) have round pads at the ends of their wrists and ankles instead of fingers or toes. Why? So they can roost right-side up instead of upside down like other bats. The pads secrete sticky sweat, and it’s the sweat that makes the pads act like suction cups. One expert says they shouldn’t be called sucker-footed bats at all. They should be called wet-adhesion bats. (Really?)

  •Golden-rumped elephant shrews rumble around the dry coastal forests of Kenya, Africa, searching through leaves with their long, pointed, bendy snouts. What are they looking for? Millipedes, spiders, and earthworms to gobble up. The biggest of these shrews are about the size of a small cat, so they rely on their absolutely huge bottoms for protection. How can big bottoms help? The skin is extra-thick. If a predator bites into one of those tough bottoms, its teeth may not make a dent.

  •Yellow dung flies (wherever there’s poop) have furry yellow bodies and legs, and bulging red eyes. They spend their whole lives either buzzing around looking for poop or living in it. As adults, they dine on insects, but when they’re just babies (larvae), they eat dung. Their favorite meals? Cowpats or horse droppings.

  Three Silly Huntsmen

  Inspired by Mother Goose

  by Valeri Gorbachev

  FAIRY IDENTIFICATION GUIDE

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  If you can’t tell one fairy from another, you could be in serious trouble during a fairy invasion. Arm yourself with the facts before that happens!

  LEPRECHAUNS

  Irish lore says that leprechauns are part of a fairy group known as Luacharma’n, meaning “little people.” Over time the name has been confused with the Irish word leath-bhrogan, “maker-of-a-shoe.” Whether or not leprechauns are actually shoemakers has been hotly debated for centuries. But everyone agrees that they have plenty of gold and they’re not about to share it. You can recognize leprechauns by their trademark red hair and pointed hats. They are rarely cooperative and always place a higher priority on amusing themselves than on helping humans.

  GOBLINS

  The Welsh word coblyn means both thumper and fiend. Some believe it is the original word for goblin. Welsh miners describe the coblynau as small fairies who live in the mines, caves, and other secret places in the mountains. They’re about a foot and a half tall and very ugly. In fact, some say they’re the most hideous creatures you’ll ever see. Their faces can look like animals, ugly birds, or even insects. Goblins have a mean streak and have been known to throw stones at miners. But their presence is thought to bring good luck.

  DWARFS

  The Germans tell of mountain dwarfs who live in underground halls heaped with gold and sparkling jewels. Most are no taller than a two-year-old kid, but they look more like old men with stooped backs and long, flowing beards. Their ancestors worked as miners, so modern dwarfs often have jobs that let them work with their hands. Legends say that dwarfs come from a realm called Svart-alfa-heim (Dark Elves’ Home). Like other dark elves, they must avoid the sun or risk being turned to stone.

  PIXIES

  A pixie is a farm or household spirit common in western England. Folklore says they’re usually earthy green with pointy ears, wings, and heads that are way too big for their tiny bodies. Pixies serve their hosts well. But if a farmer or householder is lazy, sloppy, or ungrateful, watch out! Pixies like to pinch! If you get on the wrong side of a pixie, try offering its favorite meal: bread and cheese.

  WATER FAIRIES

  These fairies have been sighted all over the world, from Scotland to Greece to New Zealand. Water fairies come in all shapes and sizes and include mermaids, shellycoats, sirens, undines, kelpies (water horses), and selkies. They sometimes help lost sailors reach safety or fishermen catch fish. But most water fairies split their time between searching for human mates, luring people to their doom, and fiercely guarding their homes. If you’re hanging around a river, stream, lake, pond, sea, ocean—or even a puddle—watch out for these dangerous creatures.

&n
bsp; ELVES

  Nordic myth divides elves into two types: light elves and dark elves. The light elves have pearly pale skin and flit about on gossamer wings. The dark elves live below ground and are land-bound. (No wings!) Most elves have pointed ears. But they may cover them up with large hats that look like mushrooms. They can be found in fields and woods, but they’re shyer than other fairy types. Avoid sudden movement or loud noises if you want to befriend an elf. And don’t go elf-hunting with your cat! Cats have been known to bite off their heads.

  BOGGARTS

  Also known as bogeymen or boogiemen, boggarts are said to have come to England from Germany (along with the trolls). They are lonely, repulsive, and mean. Because they can shape-shift, it’s hard to recognize a boggart. But they are known to egg on bullies and bratty kids, and to spread gossip, lies, and rumors. If you see such behavior, a boggart is probably nearby. Contact is not advised!

  WITCH WIT

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  When a witch tells a joke, laugh. Even if it’s not funny.

  Q:What do you call a witch who’s been hit by a shrinking spell?

  A:Dot.

  WITCH: I’d like a black cat for my son.

  PET STORE OWNER: Sorry. We don’t do trades.

  Q:Why won’t witches go to the beach?

  A:They don’t want to turn into sandwiches.