Blaze of Glory

by M. Garzon

  Jaden marched me down the street, gripping my upper arm tightly. His long hand overlapped easily around it, and my hand was starting to go numb. Teri and Julia had to trot to keep up with the pace he set; I didn’t notice that we had reached his car until he opened the door. He barely waited for Ter and Jules to climb into the back seat before shoving me into the front. He slammed his door but said nothing as he pulled out of the parking space, and when I glanced over his face looked livid in the low light. I felt a twinge of nervousness. My high was definitely wearing off.

  “What did you take?” he demanded.

  “E-excuse me?” I stammered. It couldn’t be that obvious, could it? I felt like I was getting back to normal, except that I probably should have been cold in what I was wearing. My mouth was dry... where had I left that last water bottle?

  “I’m not an idiot, Téa,” he spat from between clenched teeth. “Tell me what you took so I know what to watch out for. You have heard of bad trips, I assume?” he added scathingly.

  His anger was dissipating the last of my beautiful, floaty, happy feelings, and I felt irritation begin to take their place.

  “Fine then, I dropped some E,” I snapped.

  “How many?”

  “Just one,” I responded, too startled to remember to snap. Did he think I was some kind of drug addict? “I don’t do this a lot, Jaden. I mean, it’s not like I have a problem or anything,” I tried to explain.

  “DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!” he roared.

  I cringed back against the seat, shocked. I realized I’d never heard him yell before; his usually smooth voice was staggeringly loud in the confines of the car.

  “Three teenaged girls wandering the streets barely dressed at five a.m. is unquestionably a PROBLEM,” he ranted on. “And three girls alone downtown under the influence of drugs is downright idiotic!” He glared into his rearview mirror.

  “Are you both high too?” he demanded, still very loud.

  I turned to peek at Teri and Julia in the back seat. I’d almost forgotten they were there. They looked wide-eyed and pale under their makeup, and I wondered if I looked as young and frightened as they did right now. I felt a wave of remorse for getting them into this.

  “Um... yes?” Julia whispered.

  “Tell me exactly what you took, and how much,” Jaden ordered.

  If it occurred to either girl to refuse him, it didn’t show.

  “I took half a pill... I didn’t want to take a whole one... I didn’t know how I’d react, I was afraid to get sick or something,” Teri blurted out. She always talked too much when she was nervous, and I tried to reassure her with a quick smile.

  “I took one pill, like Téa,” Julia said. “And hey, where are you taking us?”

  I guess the drugs weren’t completely out of my system because that question jolted me into sudden alertness. I hadn’t even wondered where we were headed.

  Jaden’s voice answered harshly, “Home to your parents.”

  I stared at him uncomprehendingly for a minute before the little bubbles of panic rising inside me burst open.

  “Home? No, NO, you CAN’T! You can’t bring me home looking like this, at this hour — DEC will be home! Do you have any idea what he’ll do to me?” It was my turn to yell. “And it’s not fair to Ter and Jules, they only came out because of me...” I felt angry tears welling up and stopped talking so my voice wouldn’t give me away.

  Jaden’s face looked like it was set in stone. Alarmed whimpering from the back seat indicated I wasn’t the only one panicking.

  “Jaden please, please, just drop us all off at my house. That’s where we were headed anyway,” Julia begged.

  “I don’t feel safe leaving you alone in this condition.” At least he wasn’t yelling anymore.

  “My dad’s a doctor, he’s coming off the night shift at the hospital soon. We’ll be totally safe with him there,” Julia persuaded softly.

  Jaden hesitated, then shook his head.

  “I’ll drop you and Teri off, but Téa’s coming with me.” He gave me a look that quelled my argument in my throat.

  The drive to Julia’s was quiet after that. Other than her occasional murmured directions, no one spoke. The girls shot me anxious glances as they got out of the car, and I tried to smile at them. Jaden walked them to the door, then got in and resumed driving without a word.

  I couldn’t stay angry in the afterglow of the Ecstasy, but I did manage to sulk for a while until I realized we were headed back into the city.

  “Where are we going?” I asked timidly. I didn’t want to set him off again.

  “I’m taking you to my place,” he answered tersely.

  A wave of relief washed over me, and I looked down to hide my smile. I could deal with whatever came tomorrow; right now I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. Preferably for a few days.

  We ascended to the loft in silence. I kicked off my shoes, very happy to be rid of the heels, and turned to look at Jaden, my stomach clenching with sudden apprehension. He was in the kitchen.

  “Sit,” he commanded, indicating the couch.

  He joined me a minute later and handed me a glass of water and two Tylenols. I didn’t ask any questions, and drank all the water after swallowing the pills. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was. He got up without a word and refilled my glass.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled as he sat back down.

  He sat with his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. I could see a muscle working in his jaw despite the dim light; my anxiety increased as the silence wore on.

  “Are you going to tell Dec?” I finally whispered.

  “I don’t know,” he answered in a low voice. He didn’t look up. “Honestly, I’d rather not, but I’m worried about you. This self-destructive behavior has to stop.”

  “Since when is going out considered destructive?”

  At that, his head whipped around and he leaned toward me, eyes blazing. Uh-oh.

  “Do we really need to recap the utter insanity of your behavior tonight?” he retorted cuttingly. I shrank away from him, wide-eyed, and shook my head slightly. I’d never seen Jaden really angry before. I felt suddenly very conscious of the fact that he and Dec were related.

  “I wasn’t trying to hurt myself,” I explained in a whisper. “It’s the opposite. I wanted to feel... alive again.”

  His expression softened, along with his tone. “Téa, I appreciate that things have been very difficult for you lately, but it’s not just tonight. Ever since the accident, you’ve been struggling. I understand that.”

  I seriously doubted it, but elected to keep quiet.

  “The level of grief you’re dealing with would be hard for anyone to handle,” he went on. He was watching my face carefully now. “But the accident was not your fault.”

  Something snapped.

  “Stop it!” I yelled, jumping up from the couch. “I am so SICK of everyone telling me it’s not my fault!” I shouted down at his startled face. “It IS my fault! I’m the one who wanted to go to the stupid show! I’m the one who slept in and made us late and put us in that intersection at exactly the wrong time. And-” I bit back the rest of my sentence, clamping my teeth together.

  I watched several emotions flicker across his face: surprise, understanding, dismay... then suddenly he was towering over me, an absolute glare on his face.

  “You’re lying,” he hissed.

  I started to recoil from his anger, but he grabbed the tops of my arms and held me in place.

  “Tell me what happened.” It wasn’t a suggestion.

  I gave my head a small shake, too stunned to speak.

  “Téa,” he growled furiously, “for months now your entire family has been sick with worry, watching you try and fail to deal with Blaze’s death-”

  I flinched at the words.

  “...and now I find out you’ve been lying to us? No wonder you’re not coping!”

  I stared at the floor. He had a right to be angry, bu
t this wasn’t only my secret. I didn’t want to betray Karen.

  “Tell me,” he ordered again, giving me a shake.

  “I can’t,” I whispered.

  “Let me make myself clear.” His voice was hard now, as unyielding as granite. “You tell me what’s going on, or else.”

  My head shot up at the threat. The obvious retort — ‘or else, then’ — died on my lips when I caught sight of Jaden’s face. His expression was coldly furious.

  “Jaden?” I said his name uncertainly.

  He blinked, then shoved me away from him and stalked down the hall. The bedroom door slammed behind him.

  I dropped onto the couch and curled into a ball, my face in my hands, and found I was sobbing. I was dumbfounded, as if Chocolate Chip had suddenly tried to savage me. I didn’t know how much time passed, but I felt him sink onto the couch next to me. He didn’t say anything but started rubbing my back gently. Despite my wildly fluctuating emotions, I was hyper-aware of the warmth of his touch.

  As I controlled my crying he spoke.

  “Look, I know you probably hate me right now, but you need to stay here tonight, okay?” His voice was low, and rough with emotion. I nodded into my hands. How could he think I would hate him? That was impossible, but I was still too chagrined to look at him.

  I felt him start to rise and reached out blindly to grab his arm. I looked up at him warily, feeling the tears still wet on my face. His expression jolted me — I expected anger or frustration, but there was none. He looked absolutely shattered, the pain in his eyes unmistakable. But I had no time to wonder at it, because at the sight of my face he sank back down quickly and gathered me in his arms.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my hair.

  Eight

  I awoke slowly the next morning. I didn’t know how long I’d been sleeping, but I felt surprisingly good. I recognized the familiar warm brown walls of Jaden’s bedroom. Memories of the night before — well, earlier this morning, really — began to return to me. We hadn’t talked much, after our intense but confusing exchange. I was so exhausted that I’d almost fallen asleep in his arms. He had supported me into the bedroom and found me a T-shirt to sleep in. Crawling into bed was the last thing I remembered.

  I stretched, expecting to be sore from all the dancing, but except for a twinge in my legs from the heels, I was fine. I got up; I really needed to use the bathroom. I was nervous about seeing Jaden, but my body’s needs wouldn’t be denied, so I tiptoed out quietly. After peeing and swishing some mouthwash around in my very dry mouth, I realized I was thirsty again and hazarded a trip to the kitchen. As I was getting a glass of water I noticed Jaden’s feet hanging over the edge of the couch. I padded over and gazed down at his sleeping form. The lines of his face were softened in sleep; he looked younger, and so beautiful it made my heart ache.

  I took a deep breath. These were not thoughts I could afford to be having. Last night, while I was high, anything had seemed possible, but in the cold light of day it was clear that these were feelings I had to deny. I cringed at the very idea of what Jaden would think of me if he knew.

  I decided I might as well shower. I took my time, enjoying the feeling of the drops hitting my skin. It seemed that some of my heightened sensory appreciation was lingering. I wondered if that was normal — I’d have to ask Teri and Julia how they were feeling. For a moment I wished I was with them, comparing notes in the aftermath of our crazy experience instead of dealing with the emotional drama of being at Jaden’s, but that wish quickly passed. It was right for me to be here.

  I wrapped myself in a big towel and was headed for the bedroom when Jaden’s voice made me jump and whirl around.

  “Good morning.”

  He was standing in the hallway, holding a glass of orange juice, the other hand shoved into his pocket. He was wearing wrinkled clothes from the night before, stubble darkened his jaw, and his hair was sticking up in all directions, yet my breath still caught in my throat at the sight of him. Damn, I was in trouble.

  “Hi,” I stammered.

  “How do you feel?” His eyes were appraising, wandering over my face. I felt a rush of warmth go through me and ducked my head so he wouldn’t see my blush.

  “Fine,” I responded. Though confused, tormented and guilty would have been closer to the truth. “How are you?”

  “I’m in dire need of a cup of coffee and some breakfast, actually. And the fridge is empty, so I’m taking you out.” He went into the bathroom and I heard the shower start. In the bedroom I realized with dismay that I had nothing to wear — my clothes were back at Julia’s house. I didn’t want to put my sweaty things from last night back on and in any case I’d freeze in them. I put Jaden’s T-shirt back on in the meantime, and went out to the living room so he’d have some privacy to dress. He was faster than me in the shower; it was only minutes later that he dropped onto the couch next to me, fully dressed and smelling faintly of soap. I was shocked at how much I wanted to touch him, suddenly, now that he was so close. I leaned away slightly and didn’t look at him, just to be safe.

  “How are you, really?” he asked quietly.

  “I told you, I’m... good. Only I don’t have anything to wear,” I said, happy to steer the conversation in less thorny directions.

  “Oh, right. Well, let’s go see what we can find. Everything of mine is going to be huge on you.”

  I followed him to the bedroom, where he started ransacking his closet and tossing potential items my way. There was a grey sweatshirt that looked promising, but pants were an issue; I swam in all of them. I finally ended up in his smallest pair of jeans, folded up at the bottoms and cinched up tight with a belt that fortunately had holes all the way around.

  “You look like a little kid playing dress-up,” he chuckled.

  “I feel like a scarecrow,” I complained. “All my stuff is at Julia’s.”

  He handed me his phone. “Why don’t you ask them to join us? Then she can bring your clothes.”

  Neither Julia or Teri answered their phones, though, so I left them messages with the name of the restaurant Jaden gave me, and we headed for the door.

  “Does Julia have her car?” he asked as he strode around scooping up keys and wallet.

  “Yup.”

  His sudden frown made me cringe mentally. I could practically see where his thoughts were headed.

  “How were you planning to get to Julia’s if I hadn’t shown up?”

  I shook my head, not looking at him. “Please don’t ask, Jaden.”

  A hand caught my arm and pulled me forward; hard fingers forced my chin up.

  “I’m asking.” His voice was hard, too.

  “Well, I drove us there...” I couldn’t bring myself to continue while his eyes were burning into mine.

  His face tightened, and the grip on my arm increased uncomfortably, but he didn’t say anything, just kept searching my face with those incredible eyes.

  “What are you thinking?” I whispered finally.

  “I’m debating how irresponsible I’m being by letting you get away with this,” he admitted. He took in my confused look and clarified. “Consider it from my perspective, Téa. If I tell Dec, I’m afraid he’ll hurt you. If I don’t tell him, I’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.”

  His hands on my arm and chin were warm, and his eyes were lit by concern. I heard the murmur of his voice continue, but I didn’t absorb his words. Instead, I noticed how beautifully the amber and limpid brown tones in his eyes complemented each other. I wondered how those scolding lips would feel pressed against mine... a tremor went through me, and I gave myself a mental shake. What was I thinking? This was wrong, so very wrong. Was it just the lingering effects of the Ecstasy that were making me think these patently twisted things? Or had the drugs merely revealed what had been brewing in my subconscious all along? I trembled in earnest at the thought.

  He released me, and I snapped back to awareness.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. His brows were p
ulled together.

  “Um, yes.” I swallowed and tried to focus. “It’s just a lot to think about before we’ve even had coffee.”

  He grinned suddenly and steered me toward the door.

  We picked a booth in the restaurant’s rather dim interior. We had just ordered coffee when Jaden’s phone rang; he handed it to me after answering and mouthed ‘Teri’.

  “Hey girl,” I greeted her warmly. I noticed that I still felt very affectionate toward my girlfriends too — maybe my reaction toward Jaden would fade, become more reasonable. I could only hope.

  “Are you okay, hon?” she asked in a rush. “We felt so bad for you yesterday, Jaden looked absolutely grim. Was he mean to you?”

  “No, don’t worry, it was fine. Are you coming?”

  Teri assured me they were on their way — along with my clothes — but told us to go ahead and eat, as they’d be a while. Jaden stared into his coffee for a minute, stirring it needlessly.

  “They were afraid I’d be rough on you,” he guessed. He glanced up; I shrugged. “I was rough. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried to force you to talk to me. Especially when you were exhausted and coming down.”

  “You apologized already,” I pointed out, “and you really don’t need to, because you didn’t do anything.”

  “The fact that I could even threaten you is inexcusable. I know that.” He paused, running his hand through his hair so that it fell, tousled, into his eyes. I leaned across the table toward him.

  “Don’t be stressed about it, Jaden,” I told him sincerely. “I’m not.”

  “It’s that obvious?”

  “You always start messing up your hair when you’re upset.”

  His eyes flew to mine, startled.

  “Oh come on,” I said doubtfully, “I can’t be the first person to tell you that.”

  “The first since my mother, years ago,” he said. He was looking at me strangely.

  “Well, I hate to break it to you, but you haven’t kicked the habit.”

  He responded with a small, fond smile, and I could only gaze at him in a stupor while my heart swelled mightily inside my chest. Fortunately, our food arrived at that moment, or my secret might have been spilled right then.