Blaze of Glory

by M. Garzon

  Tears were burning my eyes, and I fought to hold them back. Jaden’s arms went around me; he rested his cheek on my hair. One hand rubbed my arm.

  “Nothing’s your fault, Téa. Not one bit of blame for this whole sorry mess is attributable to you. You have to believe that.”

  I didn’t say anything. I was too busy fighting to breathe, a task made challenging by the constant jabbing in my chest.

  He coaxed my face up gently with his warm fingers. As I met his beautiful brown-gold eyes my heart gave one hard punch against my ribs. And the truth exploded inside me — I loved him. Not as my cousin. Not as the close friend he’d certainly become. I loved him as a man. I’d been fooling myself by thinking this was an attraction I could ignore.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” His face was tight with distress.

  “I guess... I didn’t think we had that kind of relationship anymore,” I answered carefully. I was stunned by my new awareness; I felt like I couldn’t think.

  “We always have that kind of relationship, Téa. No matter what,” he said vehemently.

  I sensed an opening, but hesitated. What if he didn’t feel the same way? That seemed more than likely, and I’d suffered enough pain for a while. The knowledge of my true feelings had come to me at the worst possible time. Or maybe it was a good time — I had nothing to lose, at this point. I steeled myself and looked him in the eye.

  “Jaden, do you ever think that we’re, um, very... close, for cousins?”

  His expression tensed. Oh no, he doesn’t feel that way, I thought wildly. Of course he doesn’t, he’s incredible — brilliant, talented, kind, generous, not to mention gorgeous... what would he want with me, an average girl with a minor talent for riding? My eyes returned to the floorboards.

  “What are you asking me, Téa?” His voice was soft.

  “Nothing.” I wanted to laugh at myself; what had I been thinking?

  “Do we have to go through this again? Tell me.”

  I gulped. “Do you remember when I got hurt?”

  “Only too well.”

  “When you were wiping my face... well, for a second there, I thought... I thought you were going to kiss me.”

  I wasn’t sure whether he could hear my barely whispered words over the sound of my heart battering itself against my ribs. There was a long pause, but I was too afraid to look at him. I might be too mortified to ever look at him again. Then he whispered back.

  “For a second there, so did I.”

  Shock swept through me. The battering in my chest didn’t abate. I realized I’d been holding my breath and drew in a faltering lungful of air. Then another.

  I raised my eyes to his slowly; the incredulity must have been plain on my face.

  “So you... I mean, you’re...” I couldn’t form a coherent thought, let alone a sentence.

  He understood, though. “Of course I’m attracted to you. How could I not be?”

  I bit my lip. I could think of lots of reasons why he wouldn’t be, personally. He leaned toward me, and I could read regret in his eyes.

  “But I will never act on that attraction,” he said gently.

  A dozen questions and arguments elbowed each other in the race to my mouth, but the only one that slipped out was a whispered, “Why?”

  Jaden squeezed my hand between both of his. My pulse bounded in my veins, and my hand tingled; I tried to ignore them so my face wouldn’t betray how hopeless my obsession was. He watched me steadily with those unbelievable eyes, which did nothing to help me stay calm.

  “Because it would be wrong,” he said firmly.

  I looked away.

  “It’s not only that it would create scandal,” he said, “though trust me, in our family, this would be a scandal. We could seriously jeopardize family ties if we tried to have a relationship.”

  My stomach reacted to the very words, but I nodded. Seth and I had reached the same conclusion, after all. Jaden was still holding my hand; I squeezed his tighter, part of me already grieving at the prospect of letting it go.

  “But it’s not all about our family. It’s also for your sake... you’ve been through a lot this year. A sordid relationship with an older relative is the last thing you need to deal with right now.”

  I had to smile a bit at his choice of words. “You make it sound like you’re a doddering old uncle. There’s less than six years’ difference between our ages, Jaden.”

  He smiled a bit too, but his smile was sad. “And in ten years’ time, that difference won’t matter in the slightest. But right now, it does.”

  I started to argue, but he put his hand on the side of my face. I was stunned into silence, my face now tingling to match my hand. He looked into my eyes.

  “Forget about me, Téa. Find a boy your own age to date — since I’m your only male cousin, you should be pretty safe on that front.”

  “You’re not ruling out Ethan, then?” I couldn’t help joking feebly.

  His face tightened, and I felt immediately sorry for bringing it up.

  “It’s your choice, naturally... but if you would do me a favor, please don’t date Ethan. I’m not sure I could handle having to see that.”

  I nodded, wide-eyed.

  He let go of me; I felt a tangible sense of loss already. We sat in silence for a few minutes, gathering our thoughts, but the day’s upheavals were far from over.

  “Where’s Dec?” he finally asked quietly.

  “In the house, I guess. Why?” My heart rate shot up in anticipation of his answer.

  “Because I’m going to talk to him.” He stood up; I jumped to my feet in front of him.

  “No! Jaden, you can’t-”

  He misunderstood.

  “He won’t hurt you, Téa.” The words were almost a sob. He held my shoulders tightly, and I shook my head quickly, wanting to explain.

  “No, that’s not why... I’m not worried about him hurting me.”

  Jaden let go of me; that did hurt.

  “What is it, then?” He still looked upset.

  I sighed. “I think he already feels bad,” I admitted, my head hanging. “And he’s been working so hard in therapy... if he knew that I told you, I think he’d be embarrassed. Ashamed, even.”

  “He should be,” Jaden said harshly. “Let me get this straight — you don’t want me talking to him because you’re trying to protect his feelings?” I could hear the suppressed anger in his voice.

  “Yes.” I looked up. Knowing my feelings were reciprocated changed everything; when I saw his face soften, it was twice as difficult as before not to reach for him. I clenched my hands into fists.

  “Well, nothing’s going to get resolved by silence. Everyone’s going to have to come out of hiding sometime and discuss this, and I’ll be staying here until that happens.”

  * * *

  I couldn’t shake his resolve, but when we went to the house Dec wasn’t there, and his truck was gone. Jaden went to Seth’s room while I went into mine for a change of clothes; the weather was hot now. Within minutes I could hear them laughing, and I had to grin. Those two could joke about anything. They came in a minute later, Seth plopping onto the bed while Jaden took the chair.

  “So, T, have you heard that Jaden’s volunteered to be our bomb defuser?”

  “Yup. Told you he was unbalanced,” I kidded. I had changed into a light pink tank top and grey shorts; Jaden’s eyes seemed to linger on my body for a minute before he determinedly looked away. I felt a flutter in my stomach.

  “How do you feel, Seth? Are you going to do any work today, or what?” I asked to distract myself.

  “I feel hungry,” he complained.

  I gave him a shove, we grinned at each other and went to make lunch. Seth and I were good again — that part was easy.

  We were in the barn when Dec came home, and Seth and I stayed there while Jaden headed for the house. Since school had ended, Seth and I did the morning and evening feeds on weekdays. We had time to finish feeding all thirty-eight horses be
fore Jaden came to get us. We walked back to the house together; I didn’t even realize that I was shaking until Seth put his arm around me and I felt the tremors. Unless they were his.

  Dec was in the living room. At our entrance he walked slowly up to Seth and gripped his shoulders.

  “I’m sorry, son.” He looked him in the eye. I wondered if my expression was even half as shocked as Seth’s was. Being Seth, of course, he recovered quickly.

  “Okay. But this is the last time,” he joked, quoting what Dec always said when we apologized to him.

  We all chuckled; now that the tension was broken we found seats. I made sure I wasn’t next to Jaden.

  “I have something to tell you,” Dec began. “I’ve been keeping certain things to myself in an effort to protect you, but Jaden seems to think we’d benefit from being a little more open with each other, and I’m willing to give it a try if you are.”

  Seth and I nodded.

  Dec took a deep breath. “Please realize that I’m not offering this as an excuse. It’s just an explanation for why I’ve been... a bit tense, lately.” He paused, looking at our faces. “I promised your mother I’d take care of you. That I’d provide for you and do my best to keep you safe, even though lately I feel as though you both do whatever the heck you want. But now... well, I’m being sued, kids. Remember that project I worked on last year, the one so big I had to get a partner? Well, he falsified some of the data we used without my knowledge. The trouble is, if I lose this lawsuit all my assets could be seized to pay the debt. Including this property — the house and barn.”

  Seth and I stared at each other in astonishment for a minute before I leaned against him. I hadn’t expected anything like this. No wonder Dec had been so cantankerous lately.

  “Like I said,” Dec went on, “it’s not an excuse. And I’ll keep you posted on what’s happening.”

  Dec was sitting on the loveseat by himself. He had a dejected air, and I felt bad for him suddenly, as though we were a sentencing jury. I went and sat next to him. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer.

  “I’m sorry about what I said,” I murmured.

  “Don’t be, honey. You were right,” he replied. He brushed my cheek briefly. “I’m sorry, too,” he added in a mutter.

  I looked down, but not before catching sight of Jaden’s eyes-narrowed expression. We went to make dinner, and it wasn’t as awkward as I would have thought.

  When I went to do the bedtime check of the barn Jaden followed me out.

  “Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” he asked quietly. He was standing close but was careful not to touch me now. I felt a jab in my chest anyway.

  I shrugged. “I knew it would upset you. And I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.”

  “Protecting everyone else, as usual,” he said softly. “But who’s protecting you?”

  “You are,” I reminded him. “As usual.”

  He nodded slowly. “I haven’t been doing a very good job, though.”

  “Are you kidding me? No one’s ever taken care of me the way you do, Jaden,” I told him with feeling. It was the truth.

  His eyes tightened in pain. I reached for his face — I couldn’t help myself — but before I made contact he caught my hand.

  “I meant what I said, Téa. We can’t be anything more than family.” He said it gently enough, but I could already see the colder, harder persona of the last month re-emerging. My chest constricted, and I pulled my hand out of his grip.

  “No problem,” I said matter-of-factly. I walked away before my face could betray my anguish.

  * * *

  It was a problem, though. Jaden stayed for a couple of days. Aunt Paloma came over the following day, and she and Dec spent a lot of time closeted together. Dec was being unusually affectionate with Seth and me; I could tell he sincerely regretted falling off the wagon, and a tenuous new closeness was emerging between us. Between Jaden and I, on the other hand, things were even more strained than before, which was saying something.

  We went back to our standard of careful non-contact, and we spoke to each other politely when necessary. Only now that I knew the truth, it was even more difficult to be near him. Thankfully he had a polo tournament that weekend, so I got some respite from the tension.

  On Tuesday Jaden was back. Everyone else showed up that day too, even Teri. It had been a sweltering, muggy morning, the sky almost white with heat. No one was very inclined to ride or work, so we spent most of our time in the relatively cool tackroom. Jaden was working on the fencing, but he came in occasionally, and whenever he made an appearance my entire body seized up and I could barely speak. This was going to get old pretty fast.

  I was lounging against the wall when a deafening bang made us all jump. I exchanged a frightened look with Seth, and we ran outside, followed by Kabir, Julia and Teri. We ran back in just as quickly; raindrops the size of golf balls were dive-bombing us. The bang we had heard must have been thunder. As I watched through the open doorway an enormous fork of lightning speared the sky.

  “Quick, we’ve got to bring in the horses,” I yelled. I ran and grabbed a handful of lead ropes. As I was tossing one to each person Jaden appeared and took one. We set off running through the rain. Luckily, with six people helping it only took minutes to get the horses safely inside. By the time we were done the storm was already abating, and we were all laughing as we tried to shake the water off.

  I almost ran headlong into Jaden as I was going into the tackroom. I stumbled back, carefully avoiding his outstretched hand. Pain flashed across his eyes.

  “I’m going to check on the horses in the pasture,” I mumbled.

  Jaden had completed enough pasture fencing so we could turn horses out there. It was a bit far from the barn, but that suited me perfectly.

  I squished my way through the water-soaked grass to the pasture. The sudden downpour had already cooled the air, and I shivered slightly in my wet clothes. The worst of the storm seemed to be over, and when I reached the pasture fence I paused, debating whether I really needed to bring the horses in. The rain had dwindled to a fine mist, and there hadn’t been any lightning or thunder since I’d left the barn. It was so nice to be away from the tense atmosphere there that I lingered, leaning on the fence and watching the dark wet patches creeping down the horses’ coats.

  I didn’t hear the footsteps until they were directly behind me. I knew whose they were without turning; only Jaden’s presence would raise the hairs on my body like that.

  “Téa,” he said my name like a caress.

  I was about to duck away, but he knew me too well — his hands shot out and gripped the fence board on either side of me. He was so close now that I could feel the heat from his body searing the back of mine, but this heat made me shiver all the more.

  “How long are you planning on not talking to me?” His voice was subdued.

  I shrugged. I felt, rather than heard, his sigh.

  “You’re angry with me.”

  He was wrong about that. It wasn’t anger that was making me avoid him, it was self-preservation.

  “I don’t blame you. I know I’ve made a mess of things. I came to give you a choice... I was planning to leave at the end of the season.” He paused, but my brain was already frozen. He was planning to leave? “But if you’d rather I left now, I’ll understand. I’ll find a spot for my horses closer to Toronto.”

  Like at Summer’s father’s barn, I thought, anguished. My chest constricted painfully, and my breath started coming in sharp, raw gasps. Either way, he would be gone. My only option was whether to prolong my suffering. It was the same impossible choice: the pain of his presence versus the torture of his absence. I didn’t say anything; I don’t think I could have spoken even if I’d wanted to.

  “Let me know what you decide,” he continued quietly. He hesitated, then dropped his head close to mine. I felt the zing of current from my face down to my shoulder, though he didn’t touch me. He whispered his parting line in my ear.<
br />
  “I miss you.”

  I waited until his footsteps faded to surrender to the wracking sobs, and they shook me for a long time before I pulled myself together and went back to work.

  * * *

  Jaden didn’t come back for three days. My friends couldn’t help but notice my despair as I trudged miserably around the barn, and I told them it was my unrequited crush that was bringing me down. Teri and Julia agreed with Seth — they thought that at this point, Jaden and I being together couldn’t be much worse than our being apart, but I couldn’t agree. I spent the time trying desperately to convince myself that I would be fine once he was gone.

  He reappeared on Friday; I pounded down my joy and relief at seeing him as best I could. We exchanged a few polite words, then went back to ignoring each other. Julia, Teri and I were in the main aisle grooming that afternoon, after going for a long trail ride.

  “Have you ever thought about getting a tattoo?” Julia asked as she picked out Jasmine’s forehoof.

  “Uh-uh,” Teri shook her head emphatically. “That’s not for me.”

  They looked at me.

  “Well, I’ve thought about it, but it would be such a waste of money.” They waited expectantly. “Because I would spend so much to get it done, and when I came home Dec would skin me alive, and I’d lose the tattoo along with the cash,” I explained, laughing at their grins of sudden understanding.

  I saw Jaden out of the corner of my eye, in the adjoining aisle with Kermit. Our conversation had captured his interest, though he tried not to show it. I ignored the now-routine jabbing in my chest. What I do from now on is none of Jaden’s business, I reminded myself fiercely.

  “What about piercings?” I asked, and saw Jaden’s back stiffen. I knew I was goading him, just a little.

  “Oh yeah, I definitely want to get my bellybutton done,” Julia said enthusiastically.

  “I’d rather get my upper ear done, I think,” Teri said.

  I thought of how I had admired Caley’s look. “I think I might get my eyebrow pierced,” I said.