Drayke

by Alana Khan

  “The Third Gate, Dr. Drayke?”

  “There will be no Third Gate, Axxios.”

  His glance skitters from mine. His jaw is tight with unspoken emotion. He reaches over and grasps my arm in an act of support and solidarity.

  “No chance with Nova? Nothing else you can do?”

  “It is what it is, Axxios. It’s been an honor knowing you.”

  Axxios swallows hard, his throat clenching, shakes his head, and walks to his silver twin’s bedside.

  The procedure only takes a few minimas. “His fever should recede soon. He’s receiving enough nutrition through the tube. All should be well until you get him to a physician, as long as it’s within a few days.”

  I neaten the medbay, especially my lab, leaving notes for my replacement, should they ever find another physician for our little ship. I feel a pang of sadness. Every single thing I do today will be my last. My last breakfast, which I forgot to eat. My last patient, my last stroll from medbay to my cabin. And soon...my last kiss, then my last breath. It’s a good thing I’m having these thoughts now, on my walk back to my room. I want all this maudlin drack out of my head by the time I walk through that door.

  Nova

  Dahlia and Zoey are visiting, they brought breakfast. I’m having trouble paying attention to anything they say. Although they’re very nice women, I’m totally preoccupied with way more pressing things, like the fact that Drayke is going to commit sanctu today.

  Savannah and Callista were here earlier. They also brought me a plate of food. I’d already eaten the peanut butter sandwich Drayke left me. I don’t want anything else to eat, and I definitely don’t want what Dahlia and Zoey are dishing out if it’s anything like what the previous two women talked about.

  They started out asking about my arm, but the conversation quickly evolved into telling me how wonderful Dr. Drayke is. They were about as subtle as a piano falling out of a third-story window.

  Drayke opens the door, but stops before he fully enters the room.

  “I didn’t mean to interrupt, do you want me to go?”

  “No, no,” Dahlia says. “We were just leaving. Oh, Dr. Drayke,” she adds casually, “I don’t think I ever thanked you for being so kind when you were...tending to me when we were all still slaves. There were days when yours was just about the only kindness I received.”

  “Yes, Dr. Drayke,” shy Zoey chimes in. She’s unable to give Drayke eye contact, but she adds, “I was always so grateful that you were gentle and tried to distract me. I knew you didn’t want to do...I thought to myself, ‘that’s a good male.’”

  That’s certainly the most words I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth. Each of the women hugs Drayke before they leave. No one comes out and says it, but the women are saying their goodbyes, as well as not-so-subtly suggesting I should have my head examined for rejecting him. My heart is breaking. It’s very quiet when the door closes behind them.

  “I want to make sure your arm is healing well.” He sits on the bed next to me and pulls off the plas-film. “How was your kindapeanutbutter sandwich? I made it with my own dracking hand.” He smiles gently at me, I know he sees the tears welling in my eyes. How sweet, to try to distract me. He’s going to be kind to me to the bitter fucking end. Of course, what else would he be?

  “Looking good, the surgical site couldn’t look better. What do you think?”

  I inspect it. “If you had told me a few days ago the scar would look this good I wouldn’t have believed you. The salve you made did a hell of a job. Almost no puckering or redness.”

  “Press my hand down,” he instructs as he puts his hand in front of me palm up. I press down several times as he presents increasing amounts of resistance. He then has me press up and to each side. “Your strength is coming back. I’ve loaded several vids on your computer. Physical therapy. Promise me you’ll do one vid twice a day for fifteen days at the least.”

  I can’t bear it, he’s so kind. He’s thought of everything, taken care of everything so I’ll be okay after he’s gone.

  “Is it fair to ask you to hold me, Drayke? Can we lay down and you put your arms around me?”

  In a moment we’re cuddled together on the bed. His arm is draped around me, my back to his front. Falling asleep is a great coping mechanism, way easier than dealing with reality.

  ~.~

  “Nova, wake.” It’s Drayke, he’s shaking me gently. I flip over and look at him, really look at him, for the first time today. Oh my God, he looks like shit. His color has a greenish tinge except under his eyes where it’s gray. The skin is stretched tightly over those high cheekbones, and he looks so tired. The bonding hormones are taking their toll on him.

  I press my hand to his cheek and lift an eyebrow in question.

  “Not well. Losing it.”

  I kiss him sweetly on the lips. He responds by grabbing my ass and crushing his rock-hard erection against me. He pulls my leg up across his hips and presses harder, right against my core. My eyes fly open in surprise; he nips the cords of my neck. I think if I don’t put on the brakes he might open the Third Gate. He’s on autopilot, not thinking clearly. Actually, he’s not thinking at all.

  He pulls my pants down, definitely growling now. Not angry, possessive get-away-from-my-female growling, but sexy I’m-going-to-fuck-you-right-now growling. My head may not want this, but my core is aching for it.

  I nudge his head down, figuring if he tastes me it will clear his mind. Then we can have the rest of the day together. I had something planned.

  Ten minutes later, we’re face-to-face, our hands roaming each others’ back. We’re both drained and satiated, yet we’re still animals, we can’t get enough of each other.

  “Drack, Nova,” his voice is deep, gravelly. “I didn’t intend for that to happen.”

  “Yeah, but it was delicious...and it tasted good, too. And see? Now you’re speaking in complete sentences.”

  He’s smiling, kissing me sweetly. I silently hope he doesn’t spoil this by asking why I don’t want this forever, because that’s still my firm stance. But I know he won’t ask. He won’t fight dirty. That’s not who he is.

  “There’s something I wanted to do with you today,” I tell him as I lay my head on his bicep and drink him in—the look of him, his scent, his warmth.

  “That wasn’t it?” He waggles his eyebrows.

  “That was a bonus. I wanted to go to the solarium. It’s peaceful there. I know it’s just as quiet here in our room, but there’s something...magical there.”

  “I like it there, too.” He snuggles the top of my head with his chin. This always makes me feel so safe and cared for. How am I going to bear losing him?

  ~.~

  The solarium is hushed and beautiful, just as I remembered it. I had a silent little talk with myself on the walk here. I promised myself I won’t relive the last time we were here, I won’t recall the apples and dulce, I won’t think about the intense feelings we shared here. And I promised myself I definitely won’t cry.

  We’re sitting on chairs, looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the vast expanse of space. I’m struck by the endlessness of what I see. It goes on forever. Not just sparkling stars strewn in the black darkness, but swirling purple nebulae. Millions of miles away I see a blueish formation that looks like the eye of a huge, all-seeing god.

  “It’s freeing actually,” I tell him. “To know I’ll never see Earth again. There’s no one I need to please, no one I need to impress, no expectations I need to fulfill. Just make myself happy.”

  It’s so quiet and peaceful here, our conversation moves slowly as if there is no rush.

  “You were a fighter. You were a good one since you survived two years in the arena. You’re a free female now, Nova. What do you think you want to do?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Some of the male gladiators want to keep fighting. They argued about who would be allowed to fight for the purse when we went to Bellona...when we found you. Would you
want to do that? Keep fighting?”

  “Absolutely not. I don’t know exactly what I do want, but I know I’ll never fight again. I should have never been a fighter, I never liked it. Sometimes circumstances force you places you don’t want to go.”

  “You’ve never told me, Sweet, about your family, your life before I met you. I know some things about Earth from the other females, but I know so little about you.”

  “Nothing important.” I shrug. Why would he care? Why would he want to know the unimportant minutiae of my unimportant life when he’s going to stick a knife in his heart in a few hours?

  He spears me with his gaze, so sincere, “I want to know what makes you who you are. The individual, unique, very important Nova.”

  I think for a long moment. I’ve never been much of a talker. Mainly because I’ve never known anyone who really wanted to listen. I heave a sigh and nod. One thing I know for certain is that Drayke wants to listen. I guess I’ll learn to talk.

  “Well, first I should tell you my name isn’t Nova. It was Patricia.”

  “Patreesha,” he echoes. “Do you wish me to call you that?”

  “Nope. I’m Nova now. I was told I needed a gladiator name when they entered me in my first match. That was a few months after my abduction. By then Patricia was dead—long dead. I was a shell. Just a husk of fear and pain and the will to keep living, even though I didn’t know why. I didn’t know much Latin, but I thought I remembered that Nova meant new. I liked that. Since the old me was dead, I needed a new me—Nova.”

  “Nova’s a beautiful name. It fits you so well.”

  We fall into an easy silence. The first peace I’ve known in days.

  “Tell me about the fighting. You said you were a grappler, before they took you from Earth. Not all Earth females are fighters. I remember when the Captain had the females watch the gladiators battle, right before they overthrew the ship. The females didn’t even want to watch at first. I understand it’s not part of your culture.”

  “Well humans fight, it’s our nature. But most women don’t. I grew up with eight older brothers and very little supervision. When I was little they took up martial arts and trained in fighting techniques. I was compelled to learn as self-defense. I got really good.”

  “The way you say that it sounds like they hurt you. Where were your parents?”

  “My mom died giving birth to me. No one ever said it, but they blamed me for her death. Every one of them, including my father.”

  “So that is why he let your brothers abuse you?”

  “No,” I shake my head. I’ve tried to figure it out most of my life, why did my father let them hurt me so badly? “I don’t fully understand. The best I’ve come up with is he was heartbroken and overwhelmed with nine children to raise. I’m not even sure he knew half of what really went on.”

  “Your aunts and grandmothers didn’t help? The maids and servants didn’t care for you properly?”

  “Earth isn’t like Dacia, Drayke. It’s kind of set up to be dog eat dog. Extended family isn’t always close by—mine weren’t. We didn’t have the money for a maid or a servant. It was just my dad, and he was busy working two jobs to feed and clothe us. He wasn’t a mean man, Drayke. He didn’t set me up to fail or get abused by my brothers. It just happened because he was distracted and busy. He left the older boys in charge and...I just got left behind to fend for myself. The better I got at fighting, the safer I became.”

  “So that’s how Nova became Nova.” He smiles. “No matter how difficult your childhood was, it’s because of your training that you survived the last two years as a slave. I don’t know the God you pray to, Nova, but he or she planned it all out. All the difficulty was so you could eventually survive when you were abducted. God is merciful.”

  A rueful laugh escapes me. I cover my mouth, trying to take it back. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be sarcastic, but I don’t believe that. If God was so merciful, why are you dying? You’re the best male I’ve ever met. Why would your God kill you?”

  “My God isn’t killing me, Nova. My biology is.”

  There’s a long silence. I don’t know what is going through his head right now, but my mind is screaming at me, finishing his sentence differently. My God isn’t killing me, Nova. You are. I clench my teeth together and order my thoughts to shut up. I focus on only two things: breathing in and breathing out. In and out, for long seconds until I don’t feel like crying anymore.

  “So males hurt you, they’ve hurt you your entire life. Your father didn’t protect you, your brothers beat you. Then you fought males in the arena who attacked you, and your owner got mad at you and placed you in a claiming match where he wanted you to die. And you don’t want forever with any male because of that?”

  What did he just say? I repeat it word for word in my head. Once, twice, three times. Did he really just distill my whole life into four sentences?

  My fingers grip the arms of my chair and my mind spirals out the windows and into the dark expanse. I have no idea how long I ponder what he just said.

  Is that what my life boils down to? A caricature of an abused woman who can’t trust? I glance over at Drayke. He knows how to handle my silence, he doesn’t push. He just sits with me and looks out into the star-strewn blackness and allows me to think. I doubt he has any idea that my synapses are firing at lightning speed as I recalculate every thought I’ve ever had, every behavior I’ve ever performed, and every decision I’ve ever made.

  “Say it again!” It escapes my mouth as a command, not a request.

  He looks confused. It must have been a long time since he made his last statement, but finally, he repeats it.

  What, exactly, have I been running from? I don’t think I ever really asked.

  “Tell me about forever!” I demand.

  He looks startled, never having seen this side of me before. “On planet Dacia when a male and female bond, they forge a connection so strong that nothing can break it. Neither of them wants to break it. It is a melding of souls. Neither desires another living being to share their bodies or their bed. Other than food and water, it is the only thing either of them truly need. They care for each other. It is effortless. It’s as easy as breathing. It is never a burden to help the other. There is peace. There is agreement of purpose. It is two people, two bodies, two souls progressing through life with one goal—the peaceful enjoyment of life and each other.

  “No one has visited the afterlife. No one knows for sure what happens after death. But my people believe the connection lives on, after death. That’s bonding. Two souls working toward one purpose...forever.”

  I glance into those deep-set cobalt eyes. So open to me. He’s offered me this. He’s still offering me this. What exactly is it that scares me so deeply? I scoot my chair closer to him and reach out for his hand. It’s trembling. He smiles and lifts it up, I think to bring it to his lips for a kiss. But his hand doesn’t make it. It does an awkward little spasmodic dance of its own.

  “Bonding sickness, Nova. Getting bad again. Should go.” He stands up from his chair and then crumbles in slow motion, catching himself on the edge of his chair so he’s seated. He stares over at me, eyes wide. For the first time, I see fear there. “Going quick. Thought...more time.”

  “You do have more time, Drayke. We’re going to open the Third Gate together. We have all the time in the galaxy.”

  He shakes his head.

  “I want this. I want you,” I tell him sincerely. And saying the words out loud erases any doubts I have about their veracity. I absolutely, positively do want this.

  He shakes his head and shouts, “No!”

  “I want—”

  “No!” He’s scrabbling to rise, using his arms to help himself up and still failing.

  “I want to open the Third Gate with you.” I’m more forceful this time. I want this with all my heart.

  “No!”

  I realize we’re not actually having a cogent argument because his mouth isn’t working,
or maybe it’s his brain that isn’t working. He can’t even stand up from his chair. He can’t say anything other than “no.”

  I reach out to touch his face and he manages to push my hand away. With difficulty, he frees his erection from his pants. I realize immediately what he wants. My mouth on him will buy him enough time and presence of mind to talk to me. Okay.

  “I love you,” I tell him as I get on my knees between his feet. I don’t know what the magic is that brings his brain back online, if it’s my saliva, or his orgasm, but that’s quickly accomplished.

  “This is going so much faster than I imagined,” he’s still breathing fast from his release. “Help me back to my room before I lose it again.”

  “Yes, let’s get back to our room and open the Third Gate.”

  “We’re going back to the room to get my ceremonial knife. If you’ll be so kind, you will escort me to the garbage bay. I don’t want anyone to have to clean up my body. I’m going to plunge the knife into my right heart as directed by my Lord God Anteros, then send my body out into space. Hurry, Nova. Please, if you have any compassion for me at all, take me back to the room right now. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I hate to ask…”

  It’s clear we have no time to argue. He stands, and I scoot under his armpit and move him toward the door. I’m such a fool. Look what I’ve put him through, and now he doesn’t trust me. He thinks I’m playing with him, or doing this out of pity.

  What was a three-minute walk from our room to the solarium is a ten-minute slog back. Luckily we only pass Zoey, who’s too shy to ask why Drayke is leaning on me so heavily. I guess it’s no secret anyway. Everyone knows he’s dying.

  I ease him onto the bed as soon as we enter the room. He curls up in the fetal position and pants through his teeth.