"You've been remembering a lot of things, Mayson. It's a little unnerving."
"Oh." He looked slightly shamed, as if he had been scolded. I quickly rephrased.
"Don't misunderstand. I love it. Every single thing you've remembered about me, I love. I always felt..." The words hung off my lips. Spoiling this moment would be something I'd regret for years to come and I wasn't ready to risk it. I had enough regret, especially when it came to this man opposite me.
"Say it, Daphne. Whatever it is, I want to hear it." His eyes were pleading with me. He wanted the truth. Taking a quick, deep breath, I was ready to be honest.
"I always felt as if you were the alpha in the relationship and I--"
"You thought I was the what? The Alpha? Meaning that I ran the show?"
"Well, yeah," I said honestly. He looked perplexed as I questioned him. "You disagree?"
Mayson sat on a nearby bench, collecting his thoughts. "I guess you have a point. I've always been pretty stubborn. But you must know by now that I listened, I paid attention."
"Yeah you did, Mayse. You really did." The flowers, the trip to New York, he did remember who I once was. And he did know parts of who I still was. But it still didn't feel like enough. There was so much more that I was holding back, afraid of scaring him away, afraid of losing him again.
"I'm not perfect. I know that. I know I can be a selfish asshole. But I do care. And I do want to be better."
"Thank you," I murmured, completely blown away by his response.
"Now, can I be honest with you?" he asked, gazing into my eyes, his brows pointed low, his lips forming a thin line. God, even when he was serious, he was so sexy.
"Of course you can." I braced myself, afraid of what I might hear next.
"You have to stop punishing me for what I did when we were in college. I was nineteen years old when we broke up and twenty-one when we slept together before graduation. I'm not the same person I was. I'm flawed, of course. But who isn't?
"I know, but--"
"I can't magically make you forget how I behaved, but this," he said, gesturing to the space between us, "isn't going to go anywhere if you're hesitant to be with me here, right now." His eyes pleading, he leaned in to my neck and kissed my earlobe. He whispered softly, "Be with me here. Now. Please, Daph."
Swept up in the moment, I submitted to him with a nod and a soft kiss to his lips. No longer wanting to cling to the past, to think of what could have been. I was ready to be with Mayson here and now. Slowly, holding hands as we walked, we made our way back to our hotel and the room that had been waiting for us.
"I've missed you," I smiled, trying my best not to let my eyes well with tears. My emotions were overwhelming as Mayson and I lay face to face in the large, majestic bed, the silky sheets barely covering us as we gazed at one another with sleepy eyes.
"Me too, beautiful," he responded, caressing my shoulders, making me squirm in the best possible way.
It was Sunday morning and soon our fantasy weekend would come to an end. We would board separate planes headed to separate destinations. With all the strength that I had, I refrained from asking how we'd proceed from here. Desperate to stay in this moment with Mayson, I was once again pushing away my true wants, my true needs. As I realized just how much of myself I'd been keeping from him, simply afraid of making him run for the hills. And so I clung desperately to this beautiful man before me and held back my questions, my concerns, my fears.
"This is one of the most romantic weekends of my life. Thank you, Mayse." I said, stroking his cheek. "Thank you for planning this for me, for us."
"My pleasure.'" He smiled. "It's been magnificent. You...you are magnificent." His voice was especially husky with this last sentence, and his passion consumed me. Swept away, yet again, by the surprising emotions of Mayson, I flushed and grinned from ear to ear.
"I have a confession to make."
"Uh oh." He furrowed his brow, suddenly looking serious.
"I lied to you when I said that our first time wasn't my first time. It was."
"Thank God."
"Well...um, that's a strange reaction." I said recoiling.
"It means I'm not crazy! I really thought it was...but then at Elise's wedding you acted like it was nothing," he said in relief.
"I know...I just didn't want you to get the best of me that night. I didn't know how you felt--"
"I get it. Except, now I really feel like a piece of shit. I took your virginity and never called. God, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you, something I could say."
"Should I have kept that to myself?" I asked, wishing I hadn't said a word. But I needed to. I needed him to know.
"No, absolutely not, I'm glad you told me. I just wish I hadn't been so, I don't know, thoughtless with you. I wish I had made it special...or that we hadn't done it at all."
"You regret it?" I asked, my heart tearing in shreds. How could he regret it? I certainly didn't...only what happened afterward.
"No, Daph, of course not. I just wish your first time had been special."
"But it was, Mayse. It was with you. How it happened didn't matter." His eyes brightened slightly as he stroked my face with his index finger.
"Tell me about Colorado. Do you love it as much as you thought you would?"
He rolled to his back and placed his hand behind his head, looking up at the tray ceiling above our heads.
"It's awesome. I have a dog. His name is Gus."
"That's a cute name."
"I bet you'd think he's a cute dog. He's one of those Jack Russel terriers. Spazzy as hell, but I love him."
"I bet he misses you. Is he staying in a kennel?"
"No, my neighbor watches him when I travel for work. She's a nice lady who lives across the hall."
"Tell me more."
"Well," he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, "My buddies and I go skiing in Winter Park every winter. We take day trips out there all the time. I'll have to get you on the slopes this year. Do you ski?"
"No, but I'll try anything once." I said with a smile and Mayson laughed.
"Well, that could get interesting." Playfully I smacked him on the arm and he grabbed my hand, kissing it quickly on the palm before lowering it to his chest. I could feel his heartbeat beneath his skin.
With newfound confidence, I decided to ask the question I'd been dreading all weekend. "Hey, I have a big favor to ask."
"Um, okay," Mayson said, looking pensive and concerned.
"I have a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks. Will you come?"
"Where is it?" he asked.
"Chicago...you know, where I live," I said with a crinkled brow.
"Who's getting hitched?"
"My friend Phillip is marrying a fabulous girl named Janna. It's going to be in Lincoln Park at a really beautiful hotel near Montrose Harbor. It should be a nice time."
"And you don't have a date?" he teased.
"Nope," I said, biting my lip and shaking my head with a pout.
"I'd love to be your date. I'll have to check my work schedule, but it shouldn't be a problem."
He smiled warmly and kissed me on my shoulder. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I glanced at the clock and quickly bolted back to reality.
"We should get dressed, Mayson. Our flights will be leaving before we know it," I said, glancing back at the clock, wishing the numbers could be frozen for just a little while longer. I sat up and threw the sheets off of me.
"Not so fast, Sugar," he replied with a devilish smirk that made my toes curl. "I'm not quite finished with you yet." And just like that, I was swept up in Mayson all over again as he kissed me passionately, pulling me back to the bed.
That afternoon I was extremely close to missing my flight because of our final moments in bed, but it was totally worth it. Nothing could wipe this smile from my face. For five years I had dreamed of being with Mayson again. And it was finally coming true. As the plane soared through the sky, m
y heart was soaring as well, dreaming of my future with Mayson. And this time, I hoped it wouldn't end in heartbreak.
#
Chapter 10
Senior Year (fall semester)
I stumbled into my apartment, after a night at the bars with Elise. Tossing my keys to the floor, I walked with a determined drunken march to my bedroom. My computer was already on and I was no longer nervous or afraid. I'd had five beers tonight and they would help me to connect with him. I could only hope he'd be online.
Logging in to the University IM system was difficult since it took me a while to type my password correctly, but eventually it worked and I saw that he was online.
"Let's do this," I said to myself, typing my instant message to the boy I missed so much. It would be our first contact in months, ever since he told me he'd be studying in Paris for the semester.
DaffyGirl: Hey. What time is it in France?
Mayser: Hey, Stranger. It's early. I'm getting ready for class. You're up late.
DaffyGirl: I know. We just got back from the bar.
Mayser: Ah, I see. And you thought of me?
DaffyGirl: Of course. Was there any doubt?
Mayser: Not really ;) It's been a long time...
I hesitated before typing. That almost-sentence was a loaded statement. Neither of us had made contact since our junior year. But, I didn't want to talk about that.
DaffyGirl: Are you loving Paris?
Mayser: It's incredible, Daph. I'm amazed on a daily basis. I feel really lucky to be here.
DaffyGirl: I'm so happy for you. (Although, secretly I hate Paris.)
Mayser: LOL. We went to an Irish Pub last night...in Paris. It was too funny. You would have loved it. I thought of you, actually. You would have fit in really well...your red hair, your freckles, drinking Guinness like an Irishman.
DaffyGirl: So you thought of me, huh?
Mayser: I do from time to time...yes. And last night was one of those times.
DaffyGirl: Because I have red hair and I get drunk?
Mayser: Other reasons, too. I've been meaning to email you. Sorry about that. I've literally been in class for ten hours per day, plus I spend additional time in the studio. I hardly ever see Daniela or any of the other people in the program outside of class.
DaffyGirl: So you've been meaning to get in touch?
Mayser: Yeah...I've decided to stay through next semester. I'll be here for the entire school year.
Tears sprung from my eyes as I read those words. I might never see him again. It was our senior year. He'd go back to Charleston and I'd move back home to the Chicago suburbs and that'd be it. It would be over. Somehow I managed to type as my tears dripped slowly onto my keyboard.
DaffyGirl: Wow, that's incredible.
Mayser: Yeah, I'm stoked. An entire school year in France--it's a dream come true for me.
DaffyGirl: So will you graduate with the class?
Mayser: Not sure yet. I may not be able to participate in convocation, but it's a small price to pay for this experience. I'll receive my degree regardless. I just might miss out on the pomp and circumstance.
DaffyGirl: True.
Mayser: Hey, are you okay?
DaffyGirl: Yep.
Mayser: I miss you.
Daffygirl: Me too.
Mayser: It's really been way too long, Sugar.
Daffygirl: I know.
Mayser: Listen, I'm sorry to cut this short, but I don't want to be late for class. My professors here are really strict about tardiness. Take care, okay?
DaffyGirl: Sure, of course.
Mayser: Hey, let's talk again soon.
Daffygirl: That'd be nice.
But, we didn't. It would be months before I'd speak to Mayson again. And deep down, I knew that.
It was two nights before graduation and all of my friends were meeting at our favorite campus bar, Legends. Unfortunately, Legends held many memories of Mayson and I, so visiting this bar right before finishing college felt bittersweet. When we were dating, we spent so many Saturday nights there just drinking beer, watching sports and hanging out. Since we broke up, I'd avoided the bar whenever I could. But tonight, I had to suck it up. I was determined to celebrate and not think about him at all. Besides, he was still in France after deciding not to come home for graduation.
Or maybe not.
Mayson was leaning up against the bar, talking with some of his friends who I remembered from the dorms. He looked different to me. He was wearing trendy glasses, the kind with the tortoise-shell frames and rigid angles. He was also wearing a button-down shirt with bright vertical stripes and fancy chinos. What happened to my sweatshirt wearing gorgeous ex-boyfriend? He seemed to have been replaced by a stylish new model.
Frozen in my tracks, I wasn't sure what to do. As far as I knew, he hadn't seen me. But we're standing only a few feet from one another, so that seemed likely to change. Why didn't he get in touch to tell me that he was back? No call, no email? Disappointment flooded my veins, knowing that he hadn't felt the need to contact me. I needed to clear my head.
"Is that who I think it is?" asked Elise, stirring her vodka cranberry.
"Yeah," I said, still watching him, admiring him while trying desperately to push the lump in my throat down, down, down.
"He looks different," Elise observed.
"I know," I said, nodding.
"Are you going to talk to him?"
"I don't think I can handle it, Elise,"
I glanced back at him for just a second. In that moment, our eyes met. The corners of his lips twisted a bit in recognition as he nodded his head slightly towards me.
"What the hell was that?" Elise asked.
"You saw it too?" I asked, focusing back on Elise. "I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack right here in the middle of the freaking bar."
"He's still staring at you, Daph. He's being really obvious about it, too."
"Are you serious?" My heart was racing, but instead of anxiety, excitement was building slowly in the pit of my stomach.
"Dead serious. You need to look at him. Come on, see for yourself."
I slowly turned my gaze towards Mayson. He smiled as if proud of himself. Our eyes locked for what felt like several minutes. My heart raced and perspiration built on my neck.
"Go over there," Elise insisted, nudging my arm.
"No way. If he wants to play games with me, I can do that. I'm not giving him control. Who knows how long he's been back on campus. No calls, no emails. So now I'll wait and see what he does. I'm not giving in. Not this time." As I finished talking, Mayson slowly raised his beer towards me, winking. I raised mine in reply and give him a smug smile. He shook his head and laughed. He knew I wasn't going anywhere.
He nudged his friend and walked over towards me. My mouth was suddenly bone dry. I'd won our little game, but now I had no idea what to say. I wondered if I'd even be able to speak.
"Hey there, Sugar."
His accent was thick tonight. I could tell he had quite a bit to drink already. Buzzed or not, I was thrown by his affectionate tone. I hadn't expected to ever hear that nickname again after our break-up. Even though we'd attempted to maintain a "friendship," that friendship was incredibly one-sided. Over this past year, most of my emails to France had gone unanswered...and the ones I did receive were distant and almost cold. It was only when we chatted online that things were warmer, like they were when we were together.
"Well if it isn't the world traveler," I said, trying my very best to sound casual, easy, although my hands were shaking, as were my words. Too many conflicting thoughts were racing through my confused brain. "How was France? I didn't realize you'd be back so soon."
"Yeah, we finished up a few days ago. Administration insisted we arrive back in time for convocation."
"That's good. You should walk with the class."
"Can you believe we're done here? In a couple of days we have to join the real world," he said, after taking a si
p of his beer. He flashed that sexy grin of his. God I loved him. Despite everything, I could not deny how he made me feel.
"So are you heading to South Carolina?"
"Yep. But I've sent resumes all over the country, especially to the Denver area. You know how I love to ski. I always imagined that's where I'd live."
"I remember," I said with a nod.
"How about you, Daphne? Where are you headed?"
"Back home to Chicago. I'm going to live with my parents until I hopefully start teaching in the fall. I haven't found anything yet, but I'm trying not to worry."
"Oh you'll find something," he assured me. I suddenly realized that Mayson was making his way closer to me by the second. Soon I'd be able to feel his breath on my skin and I was looking forward to it. I tilted my head in order to be even closer to the boy I'd missed for so long...concern and hesitation be damned.
"So," he continued, "you want to go somewhere less crowded? You know, for old time's sake?"
"Old time's sake?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. He chuckled before nuzzling into my neck.
"I've missed you. Let's go talk."
Talk? Sure...let's go 'talk.'
"Sure, why not?" I answered, giving him the most confident smile I could possibly muster as I pulled away from his hot breath on my skin. Secretly I wondered how much of our encounter had already been fueled by alcohol. After all, I could hear it in his drawl and smell it on his breath.
We walked, hand in hand, back to his apartment on Green Street. The entire walk there we talked about his months spent in France. I'd always wanted to go overseas and Mayson was enjoying my enthusiasm. He told me all about the gorgeous buildings that had been there for centuries, the amazing museums, and the incredible culture. Completely fascinated, I found myself hanging on his every syllable.
Back at his apartment, we slipped back into our old routine very quickly. Snuggling up in his bed, he twirled my hair around his fingers. Rubbing my hands softly on his chest, my heart raced and adrenaline coursed through me. It felt incredible.
"What's with the new look?" I asked as my fingers stroked the cotton of his oxford shirt.
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