"Are you saying I'm that good in bed? Because, I never knew I was that talented," I teased.
"And that," he said, pointing his finger at my forehead, "Your sense of humor. I love your quick wit. You're constantly making me laugh."
"I do my best." I shrugged.
"You always know what to say to make me laugh, to ease my tension, to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with you."
"You make me so happy. I know that I joke around a lot, and maybe that's just me avoiding uncomfortable moments. But never, ever mistake my humor for a lack of emotion."
"I don't." He said, shaking his head.
"You're sexy and wonderful and I'm so lucky that I found you. Now will you please, please make love to me, because at this rate, you'll be walking out my door and I'll be left completely unsatisfied," I said with as straight a face as I could manage.
Tanner simply shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. He leisurely removed my tank top and traced my ribs with his fingertips, teasing me with each movement. I was aching for his lips and desperate for our dance that made my skin go numb and my heart explode again and again. But he was taking his time. He leaned down and planted tiny kisses just below my belly button, tickling my hot skin. A distressed groan left my mouth as I could hardly bear the torture of his lips grazing my torso.
"Please, Tanner, now," I said, panting, desperation filling my hoarse voice. Tanner quickly shed his clothes, leaned up on his elbows, and entered me. All at once I was full, full of Tanner and full of desire. Our love making was slow as we savored every last movement, every last kiss, and every single toe-tingling touch.
The next morning, my emotions got the best of me as I watched Tanner slumber soundly in my bed. My eyes welled with tears as I tried to imagine the next weeks without him beside me, without feeling his soft kisses, without touching his silky hair. And the thought of not talking to him every day, about everything or absolutely nothing at all. I wouldn't just miss his body. I'd miss his mind. I'd miss the way he expressed himself so easily. I'd miss everything about him. It was overwhelming, the thought of saying goodbye. My pillow was unable to contain my sobs and I felt Tanner's arm wrap around my stomach as he pulled me close to him.
"Shhhhh. It's going to be okay," Instead of calming down, my sobs grew louder, more intense. I was terrified to watch him walk out that door, terrified of what the separation could do to us, terrified of losing someone else who I was hopelessly in love with. I couldn't tell him that I had horrible dreams last night; dreams of his plane crashing, dreams of him being hit by a crazy taxi driver in Japan, dreams of him never coming back to me.
Eventually, I was able to compose myself and the time came to say goodbye to Tanner.
"I'll text you as soon as I can so you'll know when I've arrived in Tokyo," he said, holding my hands in his as we stood next to his car. "It's a thirteen hour flight, though, so you won't see it until tomorrow. Try not to worry, alright?"
Reluctantly, I nodded with a forced smile so that he wouldn't be troubled by my anxiety. He pulled me in for one last, deep, delightful kiss and I melted into his arms, clutching his shirt so tight I could feel my knuckles growing pale. Watching him drive away, I climbed the steps to my apartment and hoped to God that the next six weeks went by quickly.
#
Chapter 32
Distance
His lips pressed firmly against my back. His hot tongue drew a line up to the nape of my neck. His fingers slid gracefully down my back as I clutched my pillow in anticipation of his next move. His hand cupped my backside and he pressed and held my skin firmly in his hand. I squirmed. His tongue flicked my shoulder blades, my spine, and finally the small of my back as he made his way lower, lower, and lower still.
Excitement built in every square inch of my body as I ached for him. When I couldn't take one more moment of anticipation of his kiss, I turned to face the man in my bed. But something was wrong. His brown hair was now a sandy blond. His speckled eyes had been replaced with emerald green, and his sweet, endearing smile, the one that made me feel like I didn't have a care in the world, had been replaced with a cocky grin.
"Hey, Sugar," my companion said.
"Stop," I said to myself. But it was too late. I was his. I stared into his green eyes before pressing my hungry mouth to his. I had ached, yearned for his touch, and I could no longer deny it, no longer deny the love, the desire, the attraction I still felt...for Mayson.
I woke from my dream, sobbing that he'd left me once again, and it took me several excruciating moments before I was able to return to reality. Mayson was gone, and Tanner, although across an ocean, was the one who owned my heart.
"It was only a dream," I said to myself between sobs. Disgust filled my brain. How could I be dreaming of him again? I thought I was over him. I thought I had moved on. I thought...I thought a lot of things.
Pulling myself together, I glanced at the clock. It was 3:00 am, which meant it was 6:00 pm in Japan and Tanner was still awake. He had been in Tokyo for three weeks now and it was close to unbearable. Cell service wouldn't work so text messages were impossible. E-mail had been our main form of communication as our hopes of daily Skyping were dashed when he began working twelve-hour days. But this was my chance; this was my opportunity to reach him. I could only hope he was in his hotel room.
Quickly, I splashed some cold water on my face, doing my best to hide the redness in my blotched cheeks. Turning on my laptop, I quickly opened the Skype application and dialed his email address. After several minutes of empty ringing, I gave up. Instead, I decided to send an email. Defeated, I finished my message and crawled back into bed. I needed him right now and he wasn't here. He wasn't able to ease my fears. He wasn't able to chase Mayson from my subconscious or from my dreams. After an hour of tossing and turning, I was somehow able to fall into a troubled sleep.
I arrived home after a grueling day with my students. I wasn't my normal patient self with them and I felt terrible about it. My mood had been quite sour since the night I dreamed of Mayson. Each spare moment I had I found my mind drifting to him and to the dream. I was angry with myself for allowing him back into my mind and into my heart.
The phone was ringing as I entered my apartment. Quickly, I grabbed the phone without glancing at the caller ID.
"Hello?" I asked, out of breath.
"Daphne, honey, it's Cece." Nerves throughout my body flared. I wasn't sure I could handle speaking to her today.
"Hey." I paused. "How are you?" I rallied myself enough, and she didn't seem to notice my hesitancy in speaking with her.
"I'm doing pretty well. I was thinking of you this afternoon. You popped into my head and I wanted to say hello. How is work?"
"Today wasn't the best. My students were squirrelly, and I'm afraid I didn't handle it well."
"Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Is anything the matter?"
"I'm not...sleeping."
I couldn't. I couldn't tell Cece that I was dreaming of her son. And I certainly couldn't tell her why it had me so upset. She knew nothing about Tanner. I didn't tell her in the beginning of our relationship, and now it just seemed easier not to.
"No. I think it's just beginning of the school year stuff, nothing major."
"Well, that's good. I started taking pottery classes. It's been...therapeutic, in a way. You might need an outlet like that, honey. Teaching is a really stressful profession. You deserve to unwind, take it easy."
"I'm thinking of treating myself to a massage." I said.
"Great idea, dear. I think it would do you good."
"Enough about me, Cece. How are things with you? How's your husband doing?" Cece groaned into the phone.
"Ah, well, Jack is still struggling. Mayson was his world. Getting him to talk to me has been challenging, especially about his son."
"He's trying to be strong for you."
"I know, but it's maddening at times. I know everyone grieves differently, but I wish he would still talk about him. It's
like Mayson never existed."
"Oh, I see. That's hard."
"When I want to talk about him, to remember the good stuff, he shuts down. And then I feel guilty. It's a vicious circle." She paused, taking a deep breath and sighing into the phone. "I shouldn't be putting this on your shoulders. I'm sorry. You lost him, too."
"No, it's really alright. I still miss him. We understand one another in a way that others cannot."
"I guess that's true, dear," she said before a long silence lingered in the air. I bravely asked the question I'd been wondering for months.
"Do you ever hear from Brynn?" I asked.
"No, I'm afraid she cut off contact with us shortly after the funeral. I think she needed to move on. I remind her of the pain my son caused."
"And the pain that I caused, as well," I suggested. "Do you think she's angry with you for embracing me, for being open and welcoming towards me? I can only imagine how that must've felt for her."
"I know. I suppose I hurt her deeply when I reached out to you. But the truth is, in situations like these, I have to let emotion take over. I felt a bond with you and I pursued it. And now we've built a friendship. It's based on pain, but it's precious to me. I wouldn't trade it."
"Wow, thank you."
"My Mayson is gone, but you, you've brought a light back into my life...and I'm so grateful."
"I treasure our friendship, too."
This was it; this was the moment to tell her all about Tanner, to tell her about my love for him and my conflict regarding her son. She would know I was not trying to hurt her. Do it, Daphne. Say something. Anything. I opened my mouth to speak when Cece beat me to it.
"I need to run. My husband just got home and he seems chipper. I need to seize the moment. Maybe he'll actually take his Missus out for dinner tonight." She laughed.
"Thanks for calling, Cece. I hope you have a nice evening with Mr. Holt."
"I'll speak with you soon, dear. I love our chats."
"Me too," I said. And it was the truth.
The breeze was refreshing and light up here so high in the sky. Down on the street below, buses were zooming by and dozens of people were enjoying their picnics on the grassy knoll. His arm was wrapped around me as we gazed down at the streets of Paris. I breathed in a happy, refreshing breath of air as I glanced at my hand. The sparkling diamond ring was so new to me, yet so familiar. It sparkled and shined on my left hand, and a wedding band sat beneath it. My brow arched as I struggled to remember my wedding. I searched my brain, trying to remember how I came to be perched atop the Eiffel Tower, wrapped in my husband's arms. He spoke, his voice husky and unmistakable.
"I always knew I wanted to bring you here. Ever since the day I came here all those years ago. Do you love it as much as I do?" His voice was robust and deep, yet so light and full of hope.
"Of course I do, Mayson. It's everything I dreamed it would be." The words came out as if someone else was speaking them. My brain continued to panic and I yelled at myself to wake up, to come out of my Mayson induced euphoria. But my subconscious fought me with all its might, and before I knew it, I was turning to my husband and kissing him deeply, stroking his pale skin with my fingers and loving every second.
The panic was gone and I was completely wrapped up in my dream, in my fantasy of being Mrs. Mayson Holt as we strolled through the streets of Paris. Mayson pointed out the distinct French architecture as he wrapped his arm around my waist, never letting go. It was blissful and romantic and I never wanted to wake up.
Suddenly, a taxi was speeding towards us. We attempted to make it across the street as the driver furiously honked his car horn.
I woke up with a start. I was not in Paris and my finger was bare. I was in my bed alone, after dreaming, yet again, of Mayson. I quickly switched off the alarm and stared at the ceiling in agony. The tears began to flow at full force as I wrestled with my dream. Why did my subconscious continue to torture me?
Guilt filled my heart as I realized that my boyfriend was halfway across the globe as I continued to dream about another man. This would kill Tanner, but the dreams were becoming more frequent and more comfortable. I was being pulled towards Mayson again. I was powerless to stop the magnetic tow of the love that I still felt for him. I could not purge him from my heart or from my soul.
Just as my sobs began to ebb, the phone rang. It was Tanner.
"Daph?"
"Hey," I said, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, um, I just woke up."
"Oh, sorry."
"No, it's fine. Really."
"Daph, are you...are you crying?"
I cleared my throat, "No."
"Oh."
The silence hung in the air like a dark cloud.
"I miss you," he said.
"I miss you, too." I mustered.
"We haven't spoken in days. What have you been up to?"
"Yeah...um, I'm sorry about that. School's been stressful. And I miss you. I wish you were home"
He sighed heavily into the phone. "I wish I could see you. Feel you. Hold you in my arms."
I pressed my forehead into the door frame. "Me too. You have no idea."
"Talk to me, sweetheart. What's going on?"
"Just stressed, I guess." My answers were pathetic. He deserved better than me.
"I'm done with work for the day, talk to me about it."
"I'd rather hear about you. How's Japan?"
"It's gorgeous. We're going to take a train up to Mt. Fuji tomorrow morning. That's why I wanted to call. We'll be sightseeing a lot."
"That's wonderful. Take lots of pictures." I said, standing up straight, attempting to smile into the phone.
"I will."
Another long pause before Tanner broke the silence.
"Are you sure you're okay? Nothing you want to talk about?"
"Not at all. Have fun sightseeing."
"Thanks. I'll call you when we're back in Tokyo."
"Okay."
"And Daph?"
"Yeah?"
"Only a few more weeks. I can't wait."
"Me neither."
"Love you."
"Me too."
I hung up the phone and slid down the door frame until I was sitting on the floor. Leaning my head against the wood, I felt guilty...so guilty. I missed him, but not in the same way. Not the way I did before my dreams began. They were messing with me, with my head, with my heart. And I hated myself for it.
As much as I tried to talk myself out of it, I walked to my dresser drawer and slowly pulled out the box that had been hidden away since Mayson's funeral. The feel of the velvet in my hand sent shivers down my spine. Without another thought, I opened it and placed the ring on my left hand. The band felt so foreign on my finger, but I clung to it as I walked through my apartment, wondering if it was meant for me. I spent the day in my bed thinking about Mayson and what we could've been.
"How long has he been gone?" Morgan asked over Saturday morning breakfast at our favorite Mom and Pop diner. The cool fall weather was perfect for dining outside on the patio, although I didn't feel so chipper this morning.
"A month." My voice was sullen as I pushed my scrambled eggs around the large white plate.
"You must miss him."
"Yeah." I shrugged.
"What do you mean, 'yeah,' Daphne? What the hell is going on with you?" Morgan slammed her fork down.
Her gorgeous engagement ring sparkled in the morning sun. After breakfast, we were heading to Morgan's wedding venue to meet with the caterer. I wasn't exactly being the best maid of honor.
"I don't know, I've had a lot on my mind, I guess."
"Elaborate, please." I stared off into space, knowing Morgan would be livid if she knew what I'd been wearing on my finger when no one else was around.
"I've been having these dreams. They're getting more and more intense. They're romantic...and usually sexual."
"So what's the problem?" Morgan lo
oked legitimately confused.
"They're not about Tanner," I whispered.
"Mayson?" I nodded. "Seriously, Daphne, we're back to Mayson again? He's gone. Why are you torturing yourself?"
"I wish I knew. It's awful. I feel myself pulling away from Tanner. We've hardly spoken this week and I know it's because of me. He emails me every day and I don't always respond. I guess I'm getting used to him being gone."
"That's bullshit!" Morgan snapped, smacking her hand on the table. I gasped in shock, startled by the harsh tone of her normally chipper voice. "I'm sorry, but it is. It's complete and utter bullshit. I'm not going to let you screw up the best thing that's ever happened to you!"
Morgan paused, staring at me with wide, demanding eyes.
"You've been talking to her again, haven't you?" I knew exactly who she was talking about.
"Yes." I hung my head in shame, staring at my shoes. Morgan reached across the table and took my hands in hers.
"This isn't right. You need to end this relationship."
"One has nothing to do with the other," I said, pulling my hands away.
"Do not allow your friendship with this woman to destroy what you have with Tanner. You'll hate yourself forever if you do."
"She's the only one who I can to talk about him. If she's gone from my life, it's almost as if he never existed."
"Why can't you live in a world where Mayson was a part of your past? Why do you have to destroy your future by clinging to what might have been?"
"I don't know. I--" I hung my head, unable to look her in the eye.
"Daph, this isn't healthy. You're self-sabotaging a loving and respectful relationship for the memories of really hot sex."
"That's not all it was."
"Well, it wasn't much else, other than frustration and heartache. Is Tanner not doing it for you?" Morgan was not trying to offend me. She was searching for an answer, digging like a detective into the twisted brain of Daphne Harper.
"No! Sex with Tanner is like nothing I've ever experienced...even with Mayson. It's...amazing."
"So then, is it his personality? You guys are always in sync. You're always joking around with your little quips. Is that all for show?"
Kiss Kiss Page 20