"No, absolutely not. I love how we tease each other relentlessly. It's part of his charm. He makes me feel sexy and funny. I love it."
"You weren't funny with Mayson."
"You're right. I wasn't."
"Then seriously, what the hell is it?"
"It's the 'what if,'. It's haunting me to my very soul. I wish I'd never accepted that engagement ring. It keeps popping up in my dreams. It's a reminder of what could've been."
Morgan's eyes grew harsh as she glared at me. "You did what?"
Panic spread throughout my brain. I'd said the words without thinking them through. I'd revealed my secret to Morgan. I hadn't planned for her to ever know about the ring, but my conflicted heart had gotten the best of me.
"Cece gave it to me," I whispered.
"And you kept it? What on earth were you thinking? We don't even know if that ring was for you! It could be Brynn's!"
"I know that! But, I couldn't part with it," I said, pleading with her to understand.
"Ugh, I could kill that woman. She's ruining your chances at happiness, you know that, right?"
"No, it's my fault. I made the decision to keep it and hide it from everyone in my life. I could've mailed it back to her, I should'vedone that. But I didn't. I held onto it."
"It's time for you to let it go. Give it back to her. He wasn't the one."
I pursed my lips together to keep the tears from forming in my eyes. I knew she was right.
"Don't be afraid of the real thing, Daph. It's here. And if you let him slip through your fingers, you'll have more regrets than you'll know how to handle, and no piece of jewelry is going to make you feel any better about that."
I nodded as tears streamed down my swollen cheeks. I knew Morgan was right. I needed to snap out of this. I needed to summon the strength to send the ring back to Cece. I needed to be with Tanner, body and soul.
#
Chapter 33
Secrets
"It's not a big deal." I said as I turned the key in my apartment lock.
"Yes. It is." Tanner said.
We'd just spent the afternoon at my parents' place. It seemed like ever since he returned from Tokyo, we were bickering. About everything, anything, nothing at all. We were on a slippery slope and I felt powerless to stop us from falling way too far. Because this time...it was about something. A very big something.
"You're overreacting," I said as I pushed the door open and stomped into my apartment. Tanner followed behind, sighed loudly before closing the door.
"Why can't you tell me who she is?" Tanner asked, looking annoyed as he stood with his hands on his hips, glaring at me.
My heart raced as I tried to think of how to break this news to Tanner. I had planned to tell him about Cece, but when my mom casually mentioned that she had one sister, whose name is not Cece, but Jennifer, he was onto me. He'd had daggers in his eyes all night. And I was terrified.
"She's my friend," I said, folding my arms across my chest.
"Well, a few months ago, she was your aunt. So, you can see why I'm confused." I hated when Tanner was sarcastic. It didn't suit him. Being the upfront person that he was, it didn't match his personality. He wanted answers, and I knew it was finally time to give in, to tell the truth, no matter the consequences. He deserved that from me.
Oh God, I'm going to lose him.
"Mayson's mother."
"What? His mother? I don't--"
"I'm sorry, I just...you didn't want to be a rebound. And I didn't want you to feel like one, so I thought--"
"You thought you'd lie to me." Tanner said, glaring at me.
"I didn't mean to. I swear. I've never lost anyone before. I'm just muddling through."
"I told you...on our very first date I told you I need honesty. You agreed with me."
"I did, I do...I swear it."
"Tell me about her. Why does she call you all the time? I don't understand."
"We connected when Mayson had his accident. We formed an instant bond. It's hard to explain."
"You could've told me. I would've understood."
"Would you, though? Look how upset you got when I almost mentioned his name."
"That was our first time, Daph. He shouldn't have been on your mind.
"You're right, and I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry about this. I really am."
Tanner stared at the carpet, shook his head and looked me in the eye. More questions.
"Does she know about me?"
My pulse raced and panic set in. My mouth felt dry and parched. I didn't know what to say. I glanced away for just a moment, but that's all it took. He knew me too well.
"She doesn't, does she?" he asked incredulously.
"I didn't want to hurt her, Tanner!"
"And I mean so little to you that you were willing to lie to me and about me for months? Goddamnit. You've been keeping me a secret like you're ashamed of me. That's fucked up."
"That's not true. Morgan, Elise, everyone knows about you. We just had dinner with my family. C'mon, Tanner."
"Why can't you let go of him?"
"I have."
"Promise me. Promise me, no more secrets. Things with us...they're different. I feel it."
"I feel it, too."
"So, promise me."
If he knew about the engagement ring, it would break us. In that very moment, I vowed to send it to Cece the very next morning. I would purge it from my life, send it away, and focus all of my attention on Tanner.
"I promise, Tanner. I promise," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. His arms pulled me in and a sigh of relief escaped forcefully from my chest. I had to do whatever it took to fix things with him. Or I'd always regret it.
Two weeks later...
Tanner's warm breath was soothing against my neck as the credits rolled on my tv screen. The last two weeks had been wonderful. We'd started fresh, and after a couple of days, Tanner cooled off and started to let me in again. It was such a relief. After pizza and a movie, we'd gotten comfortable on the couch.
"It's late. Are you staying?" I asked, nuzzling into his neck.
"Sure."
Tanner planted a peck on the top of my head, "Did I leave any t-shirts here? This polo isn't that comfortable."
"Yeah, I think so. I'll find you something." I said. I just need to wash my face and get ready for bed. Then I'll hook you up."
"Sounds good," he said, lounging back on the couch as I walked to the bathroom.
I ran the water and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. Splashing my face with the warm water, I lathered up my skin, scrubbing gently. As I was rinsing the suds from my face, I heard Tanner calling my name. I quickly grabbed my washcloth, dabbing my cheeks gently as I walked out of the washroom.
"What is it, babe?" I asked, stopping dead in my tracks. The top drawer of my dresser was wide open and Tanner was holding a small velvet box in his hand. His expression was unclear.
"Daph?" He laughed uncomfortably. "What is this?"
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
I'd forgotten to get rid of the ring.
My pulse quickened and my face fell. I couldn't speak. I turned and walked towards the kitchen, escaping the questions that followed me.
"Daphne, what the hell is this?"
Still, I didn't answer. I turned and my tears gave me away. Why couldn't I have just remembered to get rid of that damn ring? Why was I my own worst enemy?
"Is this from him?" Tanner had never been able to say Mayson's name. He looked down at the ring as if it was poison.
"I don't know." I choked out the words, responding as honestly as I could.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" I'd never seen Tanner like this. He was angry, defensive, and demanding answers.
"Cece gave it to me."
"She gave you an engagement ring? Why?" I stared into his eyes, pleading for him to stop his demands, but he pressed on. "Why, goddammit? Why do you have an engagement ring hidd
en in your drawer?" His cheeks were growing red with anger and frustration. His voice was raised and I felt myself getting defensive.
"I don't know. She gave it to me and I couldn't get rid of it at first. But, I meant to. I really did."
"He was going to propose to you? I thought he had a girlfriend. None of this makes sense, Daphne. None of it."
"It doesn't make sense to me either!"
"I thought you were past all of this, I thought you were ready to move on with me."
"I am, Tanner, I am!"
"No, you're not! If you were ready, you wouldn't have this. Here, take it, I can't stand touching it." He pressed the ring into its slot and snapped the box shut. I extended my hand and took the box.
"I was going to get rid of it. I promise."
Tanner's face reddened. He laughed, but not his normal, boisterous laugh. It was a laugh with an edge. A laugh of disbelief, of anger.
"Promises don't mean anything. Not from you."
"You don't mean that," I said, shaking my head.
"We stood here, two weeks ago and you promised. You promised me no more secrets."
"I know, but--"
"That was the time to tell me. That night, when everything else came up."
"I was too afraid."
"You've been hiding this the whole time we've been together?"
I nodded, wringing my hands.
"First his mother and now this. You can't let go." He shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head and walking a few steps away.
"That's not true. I've let go! I forgot about the ring. Doesn't that count for something?" I pleaded, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He turned around with a start, recoiling from my touch.
"No."
"Why not?" I pleaded.
"Because, it can't!" he yelled, "I've been giving you my heart, giving you my soul, and you've been lying to me!"
Tanner stormed into the bedroom, I followed close behind. "I don't know what to believe anymore." He said, sitting on the bed.
"I didn't mean to lie. I just got wrapped up."
"In what, in him?" he bellowed.
"I guess so. The ring, Cece, it all helped me stay connected to him, to us."
"But, if you were really happy with me...you wouldn't have needed that."
"It's just grief. That's all." I said, sitting down next to him, placing my hand on his knee.
"No, it's more than that. Grief doesn't manifest itself in your dresser drawer." He said, pointing to the drawer, "That...was 'what if.' And that...that kills me."
"Tanner, I love you." I said, squeezing his knee.
"Do you compare us?" He turned his body to me and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"What kind of question is that?" I cringed in disgust, and perhaps denial. Of course I had.
"One that deserves an answer. An honest one. For God's sake, just be honest with me. Did you compare me to him?"
"It's never been a fair comparison. You always win."
"Do I? Because this doesn't feel like winning."
"We'll get through it."
"I'm not so sure I believe that."
I knelt in front of Tanner, my hands once again on his knees.
"Please, Tanner. I don't know what else to say."
"I'm afraid, Daph. I'm afraid that you'll never give me all of you. And I need all of you. The good, the bad, everything. I won't settle for less."
Sobbing, I collapsed into a heap on the floor, hanging my head in shame. I would have done anything to escape this confrontation, to escape what Tanner was forcing me to deal with.
"I wish I could go back, I----wish----." I sobbed uncontrollably, choking on the words as they exited my mouth. Tanner was silent for what felt like hours. Then he knelt before me, placing his hands gently on my thighs. He spoke in a low whisper.
"I wish he had never shown up to Elise's wedding. I wish you'd had that drink with me after your speech. Maybe then you could've gotten to know me before your world fell apart. I wish a lot of things, Daphne. But it feels like your regrets are different than mine. I should go."
"No, please don't--"
"It's alright," he said as he climbed to his feet. "Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe we need a break." Tears were forming in his eyes, but he wouldn't look away from me.
"You said you would fight for me. Please don't go." I begged, tears streaming down my face.
"I can't fight anymore, Daphne. As much as I love you, this is killing me." He shook his head slowly from side to side.
"But I love you. You know I do," I whimpered.
"But you still love him," he paused, his eyes searching mine. I wished he was wrong. My silence was all the confirmation he needed to continue. "And I can't compete with a memory. I don't think anyone can."
"But, I'm with you. I want you."
"That's not it, Daph. You'll always remember Mayson the way you want to remember him. Over time, you'll forget all of the bad stuff and focus only on the good. You'll focus on that ring in your hands and the future you could've had with him if things had been different."
"No, I won't." He ignored my pleas. He was done.
"How can you and I possibly have any sort of future if you're clinging to the past? You need to sort through your feelings. I can't do it for you."
"Tanner, I--"
"I'm not leaving to hurt you. But I have to protect my own heart now. Because it's breaking. I can't take any more. No more lies, no more secrets, no more rings, no more comparisons. Just...no more."
Tanner stood and walked slowly to the door of my bedroom, placing his hands tentatively on the door frame. He stood for a moment, his eyes closed shut. For a second, I allowed myself to have hope. Hope that he'd stay, that he'd change his mind, that he'd let me redeem myself.
"Goodbye," he said, and even I could hear the pain in his voice, in the cracking of his throat, I knew he wasn't turning back. Tanner left me crying in a heap on the carpet, stifled by the heartbreak that consumed me. And I had no idea how to ever begin to climb out of the misery I'd created for myself. All I could do was slump into the harsh threads of the carpet and cry until sleep took me away from my pain.
#
Chapter 34
Coffee
When the phone rang that drab Saturday morning, I had no intention of answering it. Lately, it'd become my only link to the outside world. I'd been unable to leave my apartment, torn between the man I lost and the man who I didn't think I ever really had. It'd been almost a week since Tanner left my apartment. He hadn't called, hadn't emailed or sent a text. It was like he was never here. As if he was never in my life, never in my heart.
"Hey Daphne, it's Evan. Are you home? Morgan told me you haven't left your apartment so I know you're there." Slowly, I made my way to the telephone, holding the receiver to my ear.
"Evan?"
"Ah, she's alive." His voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Hey, what are you doing in, say, thirty minutes?"
"I don't know, sleeping?"
"Want to meet me for a cup of coffee? It's my treat."
"Hmm, that's a tempting offer." My voice was laced with mockery, but the sadness that lurked behind my attempt at derision was terribly obvious.
"Come on. We haven't hung out in a while. We need to catch up."
"I don't think I'd be very good company," I said softly. "Tanner broke up with me."
"Yeah, Morgan told me. I'm sorry."
What the hell?, "So, you and Morgan are buddies now?"
"Look, Daphne, she filled me in. One hour, at the Starbucks on Lake Street." He wasn't taking no for an answer.
"Alright, I'll be there in an hour. I haven't showered yet."
"Yeah, definitely take care of that. Bathing is essential. I don't want to feel like I'm hanging out with Pigpen from the Peanuts' cartoons." A slight chuckle escaped my lips and it shocked me. I hadn't laughed all week.
Walking into the Starbucks, I saw Evan. He was as handsome as ever, seated in a leather armchair near the fireplace. His shor
t brown hair had been recently trimmed. His olive skin looked beautiful against the dark black t-shirt that clung to his muscular arms. He gave me a sensitive and knowing smile as he stood to greet me with a warm hug. As we pulled apart, he glanced at his watch.
"I thought we said we'd meet in an hour. You're a little late, my dear," he teased.
"Yeah, I, uh...needed to wash my hair a few times." He raised an eyebrow. "It's been a while." I shrugged.
"Things are that bad, huh?" he winced.
I nodded, holding back tears. "Come on, let's get something to drink and you can tell me all about it."
He took my hand and led me to the register. Evan ordered my favorite pumpkin spice latte, handing it to me with a gentle smile as if I was too weak to do it myself.
Moments later, we found ourselves seated back by the armchairs. It was a secluded area of the café, and I was grateful that Evan had chosen this spot for that reason. The thought of having strangers see my tears made me sick to my stomach.
"Talk to me," Evan said, taking a sip of his drink.
I dazed off, staring at the mocha colored walls of the shop.
"Every day, when I drive to work, I have to pass a funeral home. It's been there forever."
"Um...okay."
"Before Mayson ever came back into my life, I noticed it. Always. Every single day. When I saw no cars in the lot, I was relieved. Isn't that strange?"
"I--I don't know," Evan said. I still didn't look him in the eye. "Daph, why did Tanner break up with you?"
I couldn't answer that yet. I had to get this out. I needed someone to understand me.
"But, on those afternoons when I'm heading home and I see women dressed in black, their hair pulled back into tight buns, their hands on the backs of their small children. Those children staring at the sidewalk...my heart breaks. It always has."
"Death's a part of life."
"I know that," I said, snapping my eyes to his. "But, it's always been something I can't wrap my mind around. My grandma died when I was too little to remember. Lou Gehrig's disease. My mom tells me it was awful, but I don't remember losing her. I'd never really lost anyone until him."
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