"Mayson?"
I nodded, looking back at the wall.
"Every day since his accident, I've driven past that funeral home. I hold my breath, hoping I won't see the widows, the friends, the family members. People who went through what I did."
"You can't stop death. Empty funeral home or not."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, frustrated that Evan didn't understand me. Maybe I was too messed up for anyone to understand.
"This may be a stupid question...but, can't you take another way to work?" he asked.
A sarcastic laugh spilled from my mouth.
"If I could, don't you think I would? No, it's my only route. So, every day, I think about him, losing him. Loving him. Every day, I go back to the day we buried him. To the dress I threw in the trash before leaving Denver, to the bobby pins I couldn't handle placing in my make-up bag."
"That's normal."
"No, it's not. I left all that behind, but I can't get away from it."
Silence lingered between us. And I knew Evan was searching for what to say next.
"I know how much Mayson meant to you. Remembering him doesn't make you a bad person."
"Doesn't it? He's dead. He's been dead for months. And Tanner's this wonderful guy who wants a future with me, but I can't get away from my own memories. Every day, I drive past that damn funeral home, and I'm back in Denver, instead of here with him."
"Maybe you just need some time. A break. To be by yourself, to heal."
"I want Tanner. I love him."
"Then why did you break up?" he pressed. He knew I wasn't giving him the full story.
"There was a ring. And...I screwed up. Badly." I said, placing my forehead in my hand as I placed my elbow on the arm of the chair.
"A ring? From who?"
"Who do you think?"
"Seriously?" he asked. I nodded. "Wait, I'm confused. He had a girlfriend. Wasn't the ring for her? How do you even know there's a ring?"
"I don't just know about it. I have it."
"And how did you get it?"
"Mayson's mother, Cece. In her gut, she thought it was for me. She has her reasons."
"So, where's the ring?"
"In my apartment. Tanner found it. That's why we broke up. He knows I can't let go."
"So, he found the ring. That can't be all. Tanner seems like a level headed guy..."
"I hid him...from Cece. She and I...became friends. Really good friends. Our grief brought us together."
"Why'd you hide him?"
"I didn't want to hurt her."
"If she's your friend, she'll want you to be happy. You have to know that."
"My brain does...but, I was just afraid that things would change."
"It's inevitable. They always do. But,in this case, it'd be for the better."
I nodded in response.
"Did he know about her, at least?"
I shook my head and closed my eyes, still leaning on my arm for support.
"That's messed up, Daphne. I'm sorry, but it is. He had every right to walk away. I think I'd have done the same thing." As the words poured from Evan's mouth, I suddenly realized how ridiculous all of this sounded.
"It was a mistake. A stupid, stupid mistake. I love him." I said, allowing the tears to come.
"Well, you've heard my story. You know what Kate did to me. She ripped me to shreds. And from what I can tell about Mayson, he did the same thing to you. You're letting his ghost haunt you. He's keeping you from being happy with someone who's actually worth your time."
"What do I do?"
"Look, Tanner obviously didn't walk away because he stopped loving you. He broke up with you because you hurt him. We may act tough, but men's egos are easily bruised. We don't like competing for a woman. And if we genuinely care for her, we don't want to be hidden from her friends or family."
"God, I feel so awful."
Evan took a deep breath, assessing my eyes for tears before he continued. "Listen, this is like a storm. You have to decide if you want to weather it. With Tanner, not by yourself."
"I do." I'd never been so sure of anything in my life.
"Then let go of Mayson's ghost. That's all he is now, a ghost who is haunting your every decision. He's your coulda-woulda-shoulda. You need to let that go. Can you do that?"
"I have to," I said with a shrug.
"Good, because you have some big decisions to make. And once you make them, that's it. You can't go back. The question is, is Tanner worth it?"
"Yes, he's so worth it."
"Good. You're lucky. I still haven't found someone who has been enough. No one has been enough for me to let go of Kate, even though I know I should. But, learn from my mistakes. There have been so many women who I couldn't let in. They're quickly becoming my coulda-woulda-shouldas. Don't live your life like that.
"I don't want to. I really don't."
"Tell Tanner how you feel. Fight against the storm and let go of the ghost. And for the love of God, get rid of that ring. It has no place in your life. You'll never be happy if you keep holding on to the past, and that ring is part of your past. It's not your future."
Evan was right. I wasn't ready to let go of Tanner. I wanted nothing more than to weather this storm together, to be with him fully and completely. I needed to let go of the mirages, let go of my vision of happily ever after with a man who was never faithful to me. I had to let go of Mayson's ghost and convince Tanner that I loved him. I needed to fight for him because he was worth it. His love, his devotion, had been a gift. I could only hope he would be willing to weather the storm with me after all I'd done to push him into the rain, covering myself with my fantasies, with my mirage, with my ghost.
But first, I had to go to Charleston. I had to give the ring to Cece. Once and for all.
#
Chapter 35
Charleston
"Daphne, dear, I'm so happy to see you." Cece hugged me tightly then grasped me by the shoulders. "It was such a pleasant surprise to hear you were in town."
We were standing outside of Blossom Restaurant in downtown Charleston. Cece insisted it was the very best seafood in town.
"My aunt has a place on Daniel Island, just outside the city. I've been meaning to check it out."
"Oooh, that's a beautiful area," she said, "Well, I'm glad you thought to look me up."
My nerves were flaring. I was terrified to hurt this kind, gentle woman who had welcomed me with open arms into her family, into her life.
"This is a lovely restaurant. The smells are incredible," I mustered, trying to sound casual.
"Let's go in, dear. I'm sure our table is ready."
After ordering lunch and chatting briefly over garlic rolls and iced tea, I knew it was time to admit why I was really here. It was time to end my friendship with Cece in order to reclaim my relationship with Tanner. Taking a deep breath, I began the conversation I'd been dreading for weeks.
"Cece, I have a confession to make. Yes, my aunt really does live here. But I'm really here to see you."
"Oh? Well, I'm flattered. That's so nice," Cece said as she buttered a roll, not sensing the regret in my tone.
"Well, this is going to be hard to say."
"Go ahead, dear." Her eyes narrowed and her voice lowered. "You know you can talk to me...right?"
"Yes, I know and I love that about you. But, I've been hiding something from you, something really big."
"Oh," she said, setting the butter knife on the table, giving me her full attention.
"I've met someone."
Cece breathed in deeply, leaning back ever so slightly in her chair. "Oh. Well, you must know that I didn't expect you to stay single forever."
"I know, but--"
"You told me about your date with that strange movie snob."
"That was different."
"Why? You didn't make me uncomfortable telling me about Josh or whatever his name was. You're a young woman. I always knew that you'd start seeing other men. Life goes
on."
She shrugged, her eyes growing moist as she spoke. She lifted her spoon and stirred her tea, avoiding my prying eyes.
"It was different because we both knew I didn't have any feelings for him. But, now...I'm in love, Cece. And I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him."
"Why would you lose him?" She paused, looking deep into my eyes. She sighed before continuing, "Does this have something to do with Mayson? Are you still in love with Mayson, honey?" Her expression was pained and ridden with guilt.
"I think a part of me will always love your son. But, the thing is, I've met someone incredible. Someone who makes me feel alive for the first time in so long. He makes me feel things that even--" I hesitated, not wanting to make her hurt even more. I felt like a terrible person.
"It's okay. I can handle it. How does he make you feel?"
"He makes me feel things that even Mayson didn't. He knows me, the real me. I don't think Mayson ever did. And that wasn't necessarily his fault. I never let Mayson see me for who I really was."
"But why? You're wonderful."
I shrugged before answering. "I guess the thought of losing him scared me so much that I tried to be perfect all the time. It was exhausting. And I finally realized that with Mayson, I was always on edge, always afraid of it coming to an end."
"And you don't feel that way now?" Cece asked. I shook my head in response, happy tears forming in my eyes.
"No, I don't. He understands me. He loves me for who I am. He knows the deepest voice in my heart and he cherishes me for it. It has got to be the best feeling in the world." I smiled from ear to ear, a lone tear gliding down my face. I was feeling elated and guilty all at the same time.
"Well, that's...that's fantastic. Truly, it is. I don't really understand why you felt you had to hide this from me. How long have you been dating this young man?"
"We were together for about six months until a few weeks ago."
"Oh, no! What happened?" She seemed genuinely concerned. I loved that she was pressing me for more information and not just dismissing the topic. She was truly the beautiful person I'd always believed her to be. Her response helped me open up and I was comfortable sharing more with her. I removed the ring box from my purse and placed it gently in front of her. She gasped softly.
"He was tired of competing with a memory, tired of competing with Mayson," I said, looking down at the box. "I denied it, and I fought him every step of the way, but he was right. It took losing him for me to realize how ridiculous I was behaving. I can't keep the ring. And so, I'm giving it back to you. I realized it doesn't belong to me, and it never really did."
Her skin turned ashen. "Did you lose him because I gave you this ring?" Her voice was shaky. She was terrified.
"It's not just the ring, Cece. But it was wrong of me to keep it. And worst of all, I hid it from him. And I hid you...I hid our friendship."
For the first time in our conversation, Cece looked disappointed in me.
"You didn't tell him about me?"
I shook my head no. "He had no idea."
"I see." Cece stared at the table. "Look...Mayson is gone and you have to move on. You can't spend your life thinking about what could've been. I know that I didn't help matters by giving you that ring, and I'm so sorry. I was a mess when he died. I thought I was doing the right thing...but when grief is involved, it's hard to know what's best."
"I know." I said, pressing my lips together, fighting tears.
"I want you to be happy, dear. Truly, I do. Selfishly, I don't want to lose our friendship, but if that's what you need to do, I'll support that, too. Whatever you need. No questions asked."
"I don't know what to do. I really don't."
"I do. You need to go back to Chicago and get your man back. Do whatever it takes. You had too many regrets with my son. I don't want that for you. No regrets, Daphne."
"No regrets?" I swallowed hard, forcing back the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes at a feverish pace.
"That's right. Proclaim your love, make a gigantic gesture, do what it takes for you to be happy with this young man." She paused briefly and then laughed. "I just realized you never told me his name. He means so much to you and I don't even know what to call him."
"Tanner. His name is Tanner and he's the love of my life."
#
Chapter 36
Boombox
Morgan's clunky old boombox banged into the passenger door as I pulled it out of my car. His SUV was parked in front of his garage. The lights in his condo were on and I could only hope he was inside alone. If not, I was about to be one embarrassed redhead.
It'll work. It has to work.
Approaching the light of his living room, I saw Tanner sitting in his armchair, his reading glasses placed gently on his perfectly shaped nose. Concern was spread across his face and I knew instantly he was devouring another dystopian novel. Grateful for his concentration, I positioned myself in front of his front door, ready to make a complete ass out of myself. It was worth it if only to show him how I truly felt.
Deep breaths, Daphne.
You can do this.
Pressing 'Play' on the tape player, I was grateful to my library for having this song in their ancient music collection. Cranking the knob as far to the right as it would go, the notes of the song poured out into the open air. The guitar riffs were enough to grab my love's attention. He quickly jumped from his chair and walked cautiously towards his front door. I placed the boombox above my head, just like Lloyd Dobbler in "Say Anything."
Shock was plastered across Tanner's face as he stared at me. I held the boombox above my head, mouthing the words to "Till There was You" right along with Paul McCartney. Tanner chuckled to himself, placing his hand over his mouth to mask his laughter. I swayed and shimmied as I kept the boombox above my head.
His neighbors filed out into their yards, all coming to inspect the noise that was invading their normally peaceful neighborhood. Tanner looked around, crossed his arms, and grinned at me as if challenging me to go on.
Challenge accepted.
Tilting my head to him in response, I stopped lip-synching and began to sing at the top of my lungs along with the song. I sang my little heart out, even though an extensive crowd had gathered around Tanner's front porch. A few of his neighbors had taken it upon themselves to raise their lighters and sway with the music. Cheeks red with mortification, I continued until the very last note of the song.
The crowd erupted into laughter and applause. Neighbors shouted out to Tanner, "Keep her around, dude!" "That was awesome!" "Lucky guy!" "Get a room!"
All the while he stood there, grinning with pride. But as much as he smiled at me, the hurt in his eyes was the same as the day we last spoke. He needed to hear me out. There was so much to explain.
"Well, that was quite the performance," he said hesitantly as the crowd thinned. We were finally left alone and the tension was unbearable. The mood was no longer light and airy. Instead it was filled with misconceptions, untruths, and hurt.
"I practiced a lot. I wanted to get it just right. Do you remember that song?" My question was full of hope.
"I do. It makes me think of you, of us."
"Me too." An uncomfortable pause filled the air. Goosebumps rose on my arms.
"Why are you here?" he asked, arms still crossed over his chest. I'd hurt him so badly, I knew he was trying to keep his pride in tact.
"You know why, Tanner. I miss you...terribly. And I need to explain myself."
"Well," he responded, "come in before it's dark and someone calls the cops for random street performers without a permit." A tiny glimpse of my witty Tanner came through. Perhaps he hadn't given up on me.
Walking into his condo, I took a look around to see if there were any remnants of our relationship. The framed picture I gave him of us in Door County was no longer on his bookshelf. In its place was a simple candy dish with no candy in it. My heart sank and panic set in.
"You haven't call
ed," I said.
My voice was soft, and all of a sudden, I couldn't look him in the eye. My picture was down and I was terrified that he was ready to be done with me.
"Neither have you."
"Well, I've been busy. You know, planning my stellar performance."
My attempt at a joke fell hideously flat. Tanner didn't laugh; he didn't chuckle. He simply nodded.
"Look, I know I screwed up. I know I've done so many things that I shouldn't have done. I know hiding things from you and from Cece was wrong. But, there's something you need to know."
Tanner swallowed hard and cleared his throat. His guard still up.
"What's that?"
"My regrets, they're not so different from yours. In my apartment, you walked away thinking I still wanted Mayson. It isn't true. And you need to know that."
Tanner blinked again and again as he listened to my plea.
"I wish I'd been honest with you from the start. I wish I'd been honest with Cece."
"Me too."
"She knows everything now. I flew to South Carolina to tell her."
"You did?" I heard a tinge of hope in his voice.
"Yes. Would you like to know what I told her?" He nodded hesitantly. "I told her all about you, about your warmth, and your love for me. I told her about how you bring out the best in me."
"That's nice, Daph. Seriously." He said, placing his hand on my shoulder.
"I wasn't done. I also told her that you're the love of my life. Because you are, Tanner, you are, without a doubt, the absolute love of my life." My eyes grew wet with tears as I placed my hands on his chest.
"And him? What about him?"
"I'm not going to lie. There was a time when I felt that way about him. But it wasn't real. It was a mirage, a fantasy that I invented in my head. He was never the man for me. And I know that now because of you."
"Wow."
"I gave the ring to Cece. It doesn't belong to me...and I don't belong to it. I belong to you, Tanner. I am yours, completely yours. If you'll still have me."
Placing his hand over my heart, I continued.
"Do you feel that? Do you feel how fast my heart is racing? This is me, terrified that you'll walk away again. Being apart from you is killing me. Please, please, Tanner. Can you please find it in your heart to forgive me, to give me another chance?"
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