I look at the caller ID and am happy to see Danny’s name.
“So, you’re still coming down for the game on the eleventh?” he says, without even saying hello.
“Hello, Danny, and it depends on how good my seats are.”
“Oh, they’re very good, Jaybaby. You’re sitting next to Phillip.”
I’m not sure what has happened to Danny since he started the NFL, but he says baby a lot. He and I have spent a lot of our time on the phone discussing the fact that I may very well be in love with Phillip. Actually, we have determined that I am in love with Phillip, and what my possible options are. I swore to him that I would talk to Phillip about how I feel tonight, while we get ready for the Husker party we’re having.
The Husker party is an annual event celebrating the first game of the season. We’ve done it since high school. The venue has changed a lot—sometimes tailgates in Lincoln, sometimes at different houses—but the guest list stays pretty much the same. It’s a fun way to keep up with old friends, and I’m really looking forward to it.
“I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but did you know that Phillip is going out with Monica again? I think it’s getting serious.”
“Really?” I’m surprised by this news, because I got the distinct impression from Phillip that she was just bugging him again. “It doesn’t sound serious to me.”
“Well, I think Phillip might be afraid to tell you.”
“Why? I’m dating someone too.”
“Jay, a drummer—”
“Guitar player,” I interrupt and correct him.
“Does not count. I’m just trying to impress upon you the importance of your doing something this weekend.”
“I know, Danny. I know what I have to do. It’s still just a bit scary to me.”
“I understand that, but I’m afraid if you don’t, you’ll lose him for good, and to someone like Monica.”
“My life sucks.”
“Well, I expect to hear a progress report on Sunday night. And Jaaaay?”
“Yeah.”
“There had better be some progress,” he stresses and hangs up.
I pull up to my condo on Friday after work to find Jimmy, the guitar player, waiting for me. Jimmy has long hair and really does have a rock-n-roll star thing going on. My friends think he is really hot. He is, but he’s nothing compared to Phillip, and Phillip is the only thing I can think about lately. Jimmy is just a decent diversion.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to take you with me.”
“With you where?” I reply, not following him.
“It’s so exciting, Jadyn. The band is playing at the Bash tonight. There was a cancellation, and they called us to play at the last minute. There will be a bunch of music industry people there. This could be our big break, and I want you there with me.”
“But I told you last week, I have to go to Phillip’s house tonight to get all the food ready for the big Husker party tomorrow.”
“Of course,” he snarls, “Phillip is much more important than I am.”
Yeah, I think, but don’t say it.
Instead, I say sweetly, “You know I care about you and your career, but I have thirty-two people coming to the party tomorrow, and they’re expecting something to eat! And the game is early: eleven-thirty. There’s no way I could get everything made in the morning; I haven’t even been to the grocery store yet!”
Jimmy pushes me away. He looks angry. I have never seen him look this way before.
“I am so sick of Phillip this and Phillip that. I’m sick of being compared to Mr. Perfect. As a matter of fact,” he grabs me by the wrist hard, looks straight into my eyes, and says, “you’re done hanging out with Mr. Perfect. You’re coming with me tonight.”
I wrench my arm away from him.
I don’t like to be told what to do, and I’ll be damned if he’s going to do the telling. I look straight at him and speak very slowly, so Mr. Dense can understand.
“I’m going to keep my plans for tonight. I’m sorry I can’t go to your concert. If I didn’t have people depending on me for this, I would change my plans and go with you, but I can’t. You’ll just have to deal with it.”
“That’s it. It’s time for you to choose.”
He is furious with me.
“Choose what?”
What is he talking about now?
“Between Mr. Perfect and Me. You know everyone thinks the two of you have something going on. I always say it’s not true, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe the real reason you want to go has more to do with cooking with Mr. Perfect than cooking food.” He adds, “In fact, if you don’t go with me tonight, we’re through. So choose.”
Okay, that’s it. He’s pushed me too far.
“Let me get this straight. You want me to choose you, someone I have known for like two seconds, over someone I have been friends with for like my entire life? Well, let me tell you, Jimmy, the choice is easy.” I wave bye-bye with my hand and say, “Goodbye.”
“I knew the two of you had something going on the whole time. I’m outta here.”
He storms out the front door and yells, “You’ll miss me when I’m famous!”
Driving to Phillip’s house, my insides are churning over my fight with Jimmy, the guitar-playing jerk. I mean, I would have stopped dating him soon anyway. I was just sort of planning on keeping him around as a backup. You know, in case things didn’t go well with Phillip this weekend.
Shit.
Now it appears I’m flying solo.
Of course, I can’t be too upset and, well, he was kind of right about Phillip.
I do have feelings for him.
Very strong ones.
Of course, they are a whole mixed-up mess: confusion, frustration, denial, happiness, sadness, and the strongest one of the bunch, chicken shittedness.
And that is not like me.
I am so not a chicken shit about anything else in my life.
I have rock climbed, surfed, parasailed, and bungee jumped. I even drive too fast on a daily basis.
You’d think this would be easy. But, instead, I feel like I’m jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.
I mean wouldn’t everyone be a chicken shit about that?
Jimmy’s comment about cooking with Mr. Perfect cracked me up, but it also gave me a great visual. Maybe I can get Phillip to cook with nothing on but an apron. Or, better yet, maybe I should do that. Do you think he’d notice?
Well, sure he would: he’s a guy.
The more important questions are, would he like it, and would he do anything about it?
I am so hoping that he will give us a chance. I’m also hoping that Moaning Monica will not be involved in this whole affair.
You know, when Danny told me that he thought Phillip might be getting serious with her, I truly felt like I was going to throw up.
And that is not a very nice feeling.
Last week, I went to the bookstore and bought a hardcover copy of Our Town. That’s the play we were reading in AP English when my parents died. I have been thinking about the play lately. I knew that its main theme is for people to remember to stop and smell the roses. I remember promising myself that I would always try to live life to the fullest, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it so far. But there was something else from that play that I know I wanted to remember, and I couldn’t seem to remember it.
I had hoped if I thought about it hard enough, I would remember it in a dream because I do that sometimes, but it didn’t work, so I had to go buy the book and reread it. I’m glad that I did because I like the story, and I found what I was looking for. It was the part that says, “We waste opportunities at every moment.”
That was the part I was trying to remember.
And now I see why it’s been bugging me.
It fits.
I know that I can’t waste any more opportunities with Phillip.
I can’t, and I won’t.
God hel
p me.
I pull up to Phillip’s house, get out of the car, and knock on the front door. It used to be that I would have just barged right in, but I’d like to think I have grown up some. I take a minute to look around at the houses and the empty lot. In one way, it really doesn’t seem that long ago that I was camping in the back yard, playing dragon fighter with Phillip, catch with my dad, punching Danny in the mouth.
But, in another way, it feels so very long ago.
I have so many wonderful memories of growing up here, but I also feel a longing to create a whole bunch of new ones with Phillip. I feel like I’m standing in the doorway of my life, trying to decide if I should go in or not.
God, when did I become so philosophical?
I sound like an old sap. Next thing you know, I will be crying and getting out the old videos.
What in the world has Phillip done to me?
Phillip’s mom comes to the door. She’s holding a dishtowel and wiping her hands on it. “Hi, JJ! Come on in. I was just finishing up.”
I follow her into the house and sit on a barstool in the kitchen. The kitchen island is filled with all sorts of tailgating equipment and massive amounts of food.
“I was just trying to get everything packed before Doug gets home. We decided to drive down to Lincoln and spend the night. The game is early tomorrow, and we won’t have to worry about traffic that way. The Diamonds should have the RV here any minute.”
Our parents always went to a lot of Nebraska games together. When Danny started school there, the Diamonds bought a big RV to tailgate in. And do they tailgate! You have never seen so much yummy food and excessive amounts of alcohol. When we were in college, Phillip and I always made sure we stopped by before we went to the game. It was often our best meal of the week.
“JJ,” Phillip’s mom says, “I hope it’s alright with you, I made double batches of everything I cooked for tailgating. I thought you could use it for the party tomorrow. Save you two a lot of work.”
“Really?” I’m surprised and thrilled about this. She makes great stuff. Plus, I think naughtily, less time working leaves more time for play!
“That’s so awesome because you know I think everything you make is wonderful. Thank you so much for doing that.” I hop up, give her a sincere hug, and sit back down. “Oh,” I say, practically drooling on the counter, “did you make any of those yummy little sausage puffs?” I love those tasty little things. “And what about that fiesta dip?”
“I made both of them, dear. I know they’re your favorites.” She smiles at me, like she is about to tell me a big secret, and I realize for the first time that Phillip has her exact smile. “I even went a little crazy and bought some of those red tortilla chips. I hope they taste the same as the regular kind.” She hands me a spreadsheet of all the food she made, saying, “Here’s the list of what’s here and how to cook it.”
My, she is very organized. I should make lists because it never fails that when the party is over I discover something in the back of the fridge that I forgot to serve.
I look over the list and see it’s pretty extensive. Barbecued brisket with mini dinner rolls, veggie tray, cheese ball and crackers, cheese dip, Swedish meatballs, sausage puffs, summer sausage and cheese tray, fiesta dip with red chips, Go Big Red cupcakes, and mint brownies.
“I think I’m in heaven. Go Big Red cupcakes and mint brownies! You’re spoiling me.” And, thinking about them, I say like a little kid who wants cookies before dinner, “Can I have a brownie now?”
“Sure,” she says, and gets me a brownie.
I really love this woman.
“Phillip’s going to have his work cut out for him tonight, just trying to keep me away from those brownies but, other than that, I don’t know what we’re going to do with ourselves all night.”
Well, I actually do have a few ideas in mind.
She smiles a knowing smile. I hope that mind reading thing doesn’t run in the family. But I’m worried, because I get the feeling she knows exactly what I just thought.
“I thought it might be nice for you and Phillip to spend some time together without having to worry about the party.” She pauses and then says, “I have a question for you. Have you and Phillip ever thought about dating each other?”
I wonder if she already knows about Mexico. I kind of hope not.
“Um, well, we did talk about possibly dating in May, right before Danny and Lori’s wedding.”
“And?”
“And, we kind of had a trial run in Cancun, but things didn’t go very well. We managed to stay friends though.”
“Did you sleep together?”
Uh, that is probably not information I want to share with you.
You are his mother, for goodness’ sake.
At first, I think I’m not going to answer this question on the grounds that it might incriminate me, but I figure that, in this case, the truth is way cleaner than her imagination, so I tell her the sad truth. “No, we didn’t.”
There. End of story.
Now, how ’bout them Huskers?
But she’s not done with me yet.
“Have you ever?” she asks in a very matter of fact tone, like we’re discussing the weather and not my sex life with her son.
Well, lack of sex life, really.
This is getting a little too personal, don’t ya think?
But once again, I tell her the truth.
“Uh, no. Never.” I shake my head no.
She looks surprised at this news and has a questioning look on her face, like she doesn’t believe me.
“Hmm.” She has her finger up to her mouth, like she’s thinking very seriously about something. This ought to be good. “You know, JJ, you girls today have it rough. Back in my day, if you really wanted to get a man to marry you, you just seduced him and got yourself pregnant.”
This woman continues to shock me. I mean, I’ve never thought of myself as uptight about this stuff, but I gotta tell you, I’m feeling pretty tight right now.
Like I can’t get any air. I must need some milk, and quite possibly another brownie.
As I refill my plate, I stammer, “Uh, yeah, but it doesn’t quite work like that anymore.”
She dismisses my statement with a wave of her hand. “Well, it should. And it would work in Phillip’s case. He has good values and would do the right thing.”
Is it just me, or does that seem a bit twisted? I mean, if Phillip’s morals were so good in the first place then he wouldn’t be getting anyone pregnant, would he?
Then I put two and two together and realize this is her roundabout way of, not so subtly, telling me that I should seduce her son and get myself pregnant!
I’m shocked. Beyond shocked.
I am, I don’t know, double-shocked.
Practically speechless.
No, I am speechless.
I have my mouth open, and I can’t say a thing. I can’t even take a bite of this brownie. And it has all that yummy, gooey, red mint stuff on the top. I just stare at the piece on my fork.
It’s like we were playing freeze tag and someone just yelled, Freeze.
And I did!
But I don’t have to say anything because she continues with, “You know, I really worry about what would happen, should Phillip decide to marry someone besides you.”
How did we get to babies and marriage from food?
And now she’s got him marrying someone else? What’s wrong with her?
“What do you mean?” I think I must have got lost somewhere, because I’m really not following all of this.
“Well, you know most of Phillip’s girlfriends have felt a bit threatened by your relationship with him. And I’m just afraid that if he marries someone who feels that way, well, you need to know that I would have to do whatever makes her feel comfortable.”
Then she pulls out the big guns.
“We might not be able to include you in everything, like we do now.”
Oh, that hurts.
; That thought makes me want to cry.
I look at her with sad puppy dog eyes and say, “You mean if Phillip marries someone else you’re going to kick me out of the family?”
“Now, JJ, we’d never be able to get rid of you.”
Like I’m a puppy that she’s thinking about taking to the pound.
“I am just trying to impress upon you that the situation could prove to be difficult in the future.” Her eyes look warmer.
Apparently we’re not talking about the weather any more.
“I’m not sure if Phillip has any desire to date me, let alone marry me. Have you talked to him about any of this?”
“No, but I know how he feels about you. It’s quite obvious.”
It is?
Still?
She thinks Phillip might actually want to marry me?
I get a brilliant idea. “You could just adopt me. Then no one could complain, and you wouldn’t have to get rid of me.”
She’s too quick for me though because she says, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to give it a try with Phillip?”
“Probably,” I say, telling her the answer she wants to hear.
I know she’d never shut me out of their lives, but she does bring up a good point.
Some of Phillip’s girlfriends have had a problem with me.
Okay. Most of them.
But I swear I’m always nice to them. So, it can’t be because of anything I’ve done. I mean, most of them seemed pretty nice.
No, that’s not exactly true.
I think back and realize that I can’t think of even one girl that Phillip’s dated that I really liked.
Could all those girls see it in me?
Was I experiencing latent jealousy all these years?
No, that can’t be it. I just think the girls realized that if Phillip had to choose between them and me, he would always pick me.
And he would.
That’s one of the things I like best about him.
I suppose it’s time I return the favor.
Hey, wait, I already did.
Today.
Kiss Kiss Page 158