“I think I dig ‘pulled together.’ Is that a bad thing? You deserve someone who has it together for once.”
“My family is a toxic mixture of holy-rolling, pill-popping, pompous asses. The only adults I can relate to are Mitch and Dad. And Shilah thinks my family is normal. What’s up with that?”
“What is normal, Avery?” Nicole sighed and put aside the Ben and Jerry’s she’d been pushing around with a spoon.
“I was screwed up before Ryan died. I think maybe I deserve someone like Jason.”
“I don’t follow your train of logic.”
“I’m so tired of trying.”
“No. You’re afraid to try in the first place.”
Avery sat her ice cream down on the coffee table. “How do you move on? After everything?”
“Honestly? What choice do I have? I have a son that needs me.”
“Good point.”
Nicole paused and looked away. “I spent the first six months being angry.”
“I know. I wanted to find that shooter and rip him limb from limb,” Avery said between gritted teeth.
“No. I was pissed at Ryan. For being there. For dying. For leaving me all alone with our newborn baby.” Nicole’s her face grew redder with each word. “Then I felt guilty for being angry. It was a vicious circle and I’m not sure I’ve moved on.”
Avery put her face in her hands. “What a mess.”
“Life is messy,” Nicole agreed and fixed her gaze out the window.
“I wish I had a crystal ball.”
“If I had a crystal ball, I probably would have never had Ike. Every decision I made led me to right here, right now. I made a million bad choices, Avery. But good things did come from them.”
“So what are you trying to say? That everything happens for a reason?” Avery shook her head at Nicole in disbelief.
“No. There was no reason for Ryan to get shot in the fucking E.R.!” Nicole snapped back. Her face crumbled and Avery was stunned. All she could do was stare in shock. Nicole worked through her sobs and Avery tried to think of something comforting to say, some words of wisdom.
I got nothing.
The doorbell rang. Nicole was still a mess and grabbed for a box of tissues.
“Can you get that?” She managed to choke out the words. Grateful for the timely interruption, Avery went for the door. When she swung it open, Aaron held out two pints of Ben & Jerry’s as if it were a peace offering.
“I thought you might need these for your John Mayer hate-fest.”
“It’s for you,” Avery called as she headed for the kitchen to get Aaron a spoon. When she returned, Aaron had Nicole pressed to him, and her face buried in his chest. She heard Nic trying to speak, but what she was trying to communicate was unintelligible.
“Shh ... Hey. Hey, Nicki. It’s gonna be okay,” he murmured as he stroked her hair. Avery took the ice cream and put it in the freezer. She thought how unfortunate it was that this couple, who should be in their honeymoon phase, was struggling with so much baggage and so many other people’s issues. She knew that the Wonderland was an epic failure and that what Nicole really needed was Aaron. She put on her coat, and with a weak smile, waved to him. Wearing a hard expression, he nodded at Avery in understanding.
As she drove home, she nervously anticipated the cold reception she expected from Shilah.
Thankfully when she got home, he was in bed asleep. The following morning she reluctantly dragged herself from bed when she heard him in the kitchen. She trudged past the Christmas tree on her way through the living room. Her family had a long standing tradition of dressing the tree together, and now the twinkling lights and sparkling tinsel was just another bitter reminder that nothing would ever be the same.
She’d entered the kitchen to see Shilah cooking breakfast in her fluffy pink robe. Seeing his dark bare chest made her want to peel the robe from his body.
“Are you hungry?”
“Mm hmm. That is definitely your color,” she joked. He didn’t look up and didn’t respond. The past few days he’d grown quieter and quieter. She reached out and stroked his hair, but he pulled away.
“I’ve gotta go to work.”
“But it’s Saturday.” She pouted.
“I know. Some things aren’t adding up. I need to look into it a bit more.” He continued to refuse eye contact. Avery started to get nervous.
“Well, you’ll have to make it up to me later.” Her attempt at a joke fell flat.
“Where’s this going, Aves?” Shilah slammed the pan down a little too forcefully on the stovetop. “Ever since I moved in, it seems like the only time you have time for me is when you want sex.”
“What? Whoa. Where’s this coming from all of a sudden?”
“If we ever actually talked, you’d know this wasn’t sudden. I need to know what’s up with you. What are you thinking?”
“I enjoy having you here in my bed. Is that what this is about?”
“Wow. This is the longest conversation we’ve had since I moved in.”
“I’m not really sure what you want from me. I’m trying.”
“I can’t be in a relationship by myself, Avery. If I’m going to be alone, I may as well be back at the hotel.”
“Shilah, I invited you here.” Avery’s exasperation was clear in her voice. She was tired of being pushed and was beginning to feel trapped. The pressures at home had been affecting her work. She had been double-booking events and was just scattered, in general. She’d been avoiding her father, and he was starting to notice. “You know what? I’m going to go for a run.”
“Of course you are.” She heard him mutter as she left the room to change.
Avery huffed cold air into her lungs. The Overlook Trail appeared harsh in the early morning fog. All of the beautiful leaves from weeks before had fallen from the stark trees and Avery heard snow crunch under her running shoes as she suffered her morning run.
The trail was kicking her ass today.
She nearly slipped in the snow as her foot came down on a large stick in the center of the trail. Malaise made it impossible to work out with her usual fierceness.
As she neared the end of the trail, she started her post-run stretch. She cleared the trees and saw Lauren, all tan and relaxed looking, leaning against her car expectantly. Lauren looked at her phone.
“’Bout time. You need to get the lead out of your ass, Aves.”
“Bite me.” She gasped and bent over, placing her hands on her knees.
“Why are you out here running? Aren’t you getting enough exercise between the sheets?”
Avery opened her car door and pulled out her water bottle. She swigged a huge gulp of water, as if to wash away the sore subject. Shilah had made himself very available to her since moving it in, but the more he was there, the more Avery pulled back. She wasn’t sure if it was him moving in, her mother’s betrayal, or the fact that she’d shared the same bed with Jason during their spectacular failure. Her thoughts were a tornado. Usually a run helped clear her mind and focus her, but somehow today, it just made things worse.
“How was Grand Cayman?” The subject change bought her some time outside her own messy head.
“So beautiful. A much-needed break. Missed the girls like crazy, though. How are things with Shilah?”
“They’re going.” Avery folded her arms across her chest as if fighting the chill in the air.
“Jack and I discovered a lot of new things about each other while we were away; which is impressive, considering our four years as a couple. Sometimes you just have to put your head down and push through with your heart.”
Avery nodded, not sure how else to respond.
“Jack tolerates my crazy like a trouper. He puts up with my depression and loves me in spite of myself. It’s funny how I can fall in love with my husband over and over again.”
“You’ve got one of the good ones.”
“Yep. He’s a keeper.”
“What the hell are you doing out her
e, Lauren?”
“Came to talk to my mom.” Lauren nodded in the direction of the cemetery. Avery raised her eyebrows, taken off guard. She’d been so lost in her own drama she hadn’t been sensitive to her friend’s mourning. Lauren’s mom battled leukemia when they were kids. Though they hadn’t been friends at the time, Avery watched Lauren miss a lot of school their freshman year. When she was there, she wasn’t really there. Somehow Lauren’s resilient spirit pulled through and she had come out on the other side even more bubbly and outgoing. Avery felt like a total bitch for wallowing the last two years as if she were the only one to ever lose someone.
“Do you do that often? Visit her, I mean?” Avery hadn’t set foot in the cemetery since the funeral.
“Sometimes I just have to come out and tell her what’s going on with the girls and have a good cry. Some days I can’t remember what her voice sounded like, but then I hear a song she loved and I remember some random moment with her and fall apart all over again. It’s kind of like a shiatsu massage for the soul. Hurts so good. Not sure if that’s healthy or crazy, but it’s what I do.”
Avery picked at the label on her water bottle uncomfortably.
“It’s okay to mourn, Avery. It’s okay to be mad. And sad. Everyone mourns differently. Trust me. Eventually you’ll be able to look back and smile and laugh at the happy memories.”
Avery shifted her eyes to her friend and frowned, giving her a curt little nod.
“Lauren, I just don’t know how to deal with it. What’s wrong with me?” Lauren put her arm around Avery and gave her a side hug.
“I wish I had the answers for you, hun. It’ll get easier when you face it. I think you know that deep down. Look where you choose to come run every day. Maybe you should stop running. Turn around and look at what it is you’re running from.”
Avery nodded and said nothing. Lauren climbed in her minivan and drove away. Avery stood in the cold for five long minutes before turning to the cemetery.
As she wove her way toward the far back corner, she mentally put on her armor. Her legs felt like they were wearing heavy boots, and she wasn’t sure if it was from the run or her hardcore fear trying to pull her back in the direction of her car. As she neared the Harper mausoleum, she busied herself, picking up an old discarded program from a funeral of someone she was unfamiliar with that stuck up in the snow. As she walked by her grandparents’ graves, she glanced at the dates. They’d both lived into their late seventies. In fact, as she glanced around, she realized that she came from very hearty stock. When her eyes finally rested on Ryan’s tombstone, the dates revealed a mere twenty-seven years. His birth date and death date peeked out from between the snow-dusted gifts left behind by mourners. Harsh truth was chiseled on cold marble. His brief life was snuffed out, and seeing the evidence nearly brought her to her knees.
She swallowed hard and it felt like a golf ball was stuck in her throat. She brushed off his grave, silently cursing the groundskeeper for his ineptitude. When she kicked at a small drift, she revealed a pack of Big League Chew propped up against the tombstone. Grief forced her to her knees and she collapsed into a sitting position.
As she fought off hyperventilation, her eyes raked over the shrine of gifts left for Ryan. Amongst the flowers that lay in various states of decay were scattered offerings such as a faded Vikings pennant, a toy car, a waterproof frame with a picture of Ike, and a bottle of Red Headed Woman that looked brand new. Realization crippled her. Ryan would never taste Mitch’s brew. He’d never hold Ike, or see him play ball. He was gone and never coming back. She tried to cover the sob that escaped her as she read his epitaph.
It’s not the length of life, but the depth. Ryan jumped into life and never touched bottom.
She fell onto her back and curled into the fetal position on the wet ground six feet above her brother’s casket. Snow swirled around her as a feral wail erupted from her.
As Avery pulled into her driveway, she saw Shilah placing his bags in the trunk. Freezing to the bone and drained dry of tears, she stared at him numbly. Finally, she opened the car door and climbed out.
Exhausted from the run and the heartache in the desolate cemetery, she leaned against her car for support. Her throat ached from the sobs and screams, and she struggled with what to say. Shilah slammed his trunk shut and turned to her. He folded his arms, a frown marring his handsome face.
“What the hell? Why are you soaking wet?” he asked.
Avery couldn’t find her voice and had she been able to, she didn’t know where to begin.
“I’m going back to the hotel.”
Avery looked at her muddy shoes. She had expected the blow, but it hurt nonetheless.
“I don’t play games, and I won’t be shut out. I can’t keep trying to build something with you if you won’t let me in.”
He opened his car door and climbed in. Avery released a long breath, not sure if it was relief or panic she was feeling. She pushed off from her car and walked slowly to Shilah, who rolled down his window. Knowing she should say something to him, she opened her mouth, but she couldn’t put the words together. Shilah’s eyes seemed to battle with anger and sadness at the same time. He smirked.
“As usual, Avery Harper is keeping the cards she’s been dealt close to her chest.” He threw the car in reverse and sped off.
Deflated, she watched his car disappear around the bend in the road. She looked after him long after he was out of sight. She turned to her large home, surveying it levelly. She needed to put it on the market. Since the day she bought it, her luck had changed for the worse.
She took a long hot shower and bundled herself in warm, dry clothes. She lit a fire, poured a glass of chardonnay. After her second glass, she moved to the closet and retrieved Ryan’s box from the hospital, placing it on her coffee table.
She sat back on the couch and tucked her legs under herself. She poured a third glass of wine and stared at the box as if it were a ticking bomb. She allowed herself to remember the last conversation she’d had with Ryan.
Avery had been thrilled to find out she was pregnant. She and Jason had just gotten engaged, and they would have to move up the wedding date, but Avery could live with that. When she finally went to the OB, her heart was broken when she was told they didn’t see a heartbeat. They told her she’d miscarry, and it was best to let her body do it on its own if she wanted to have a family in the future. She’d gone home and cried to Jason, who seemed relieved. He didn’t cancel his poker trip, and naturally the day after he left for Vegas, she started bleeding. Unsure what to do next she called Ryan. Ryan spent an hour on the phone with her, talking her through what to expect, and instructing her on when to seek help.
“Tell Jason that when I get home I’m going to take him out back and kick his ass.”
“You just focus on your own family. You have enough going on without worrying about me.”
“You wanna talk to Nicole?”
“There’s no way I’m stressing her out with this right now. Don’t you tell her either.”
“They said they’ll induce her the day after tomorrow if she doesn’t go into labor first. God, I can’t wait to meet the little guy.” Nic and Ryan knew they were having a son.
“Me neither.” Her voice was soft and sad.
“Shit, Avery. I’m such a dick. The timing of this just sucks. I wish to God we lived closer. I hate that you have to go through this by yourself.”
“Just tell Nicole to have that baby already so you can come home. I’ll see you soon.”
“Love ya, sis.”
“Love you, too.”
Ryan was killed nine days later, just before they were set to come home.
Avery wiped the tears from her cheeks and grabbed her keys from her purse. She used the teeth of her key to pop open the tape, desperately needing to see what was inside.
The contents were benign: a laptop, black and blue pens, post-its, a leather-bound notebook, a snapshot of Nic and several of Ike as a newborn, and se
veral stamped birth announcements (blue envelopes with baby feet stamps). Avery noticed one of the birth announcements was larger and bulkier and when she picked it up, she could tell it had a disc inside. She turned it over, and saw it was addressed to Aaron. She dug a little further in the box, found the charging cord to the laptop and plugged it in. She turned the box upside down and an open pack of grape gum fell out. She turned Aaron’s invitation over in her hands several times and picked up her phone, dialing his number.
“Hey.” He sounded chipper.
“Where are you?”
“I’m on my way to Nicole’s.”
“Change of plans. I need you to come here. Alone.”
“If I had a nickel…”
“I’m not in the mood, Aaron.”
“Well, that’s probably for the best, because I only like you as a friend.”
She sighed loudly.
“All right, I’m on my way. Do I need to bring anything?”
“Beer. Lots of it.”
After hanging up with Avery, Aaron made a quick call to Nicole to let her know he’d be late. He’d been at her house nightly, always leaving very early in the morning before Ike woke. He held fast as she battled the emotional roller coaster that revolved around them coming out as a couple. Torn between elation and anxiety, Nicole clung to him like a life raft. Watching her cry over the disapproval of the peanut gallery made him want to punch someone or something, but the issues were so abstract and widespread, he had no solid target to direct his anger toward.
He stopped at the gas station and bought a case of beer, arriving at Avery’s ten minutes after they’d talked. He rang the doorbell, and shouted, “Special delivery!”
The smile faded from his face when she opened the door. Her eyes were bloodshot and she wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup for the first time since seventh grade. She flung the door open wide, allowing him entrance.
“What in the hell?” he asked. She took the beer and ripped it open, handing him one.
“Nah, I have to drive.”
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