To Love Again

by Bertrice Small

  "And did you escape my memory in your combats, in a wine jug, or in the arms of other women, Wulf Ironfist?" she asked him.

  "You have been ever with me, Cailin Drusus. In my thoughts and in my heart, lambkin. I could not escape you, I fear." He held her close, breathing in her scent, rubbing his cheek against her head.

  The stone that her heart had become when she saw him again began to crumble. "What do you want of me, Wulf?" she asked him softly.

  "We have found one another, my sweet lambkin," he told her. "Could we not begin again? The gods have reunited us."

  "To what purpose, I wonder?" she answered.

  He tilted her face up to his, and his mouth slowly closed over hers. His lips were warm, and so very soft, and as the kiss deepened, Cailin's heart almost broke in two. She still loved him! Worse. She loved Aspar, too! What was she to do? Unable to help herself, she let her arms slip up and about his neck.

  "I no longer know what is right, or what is wrong," she said helplessly. "Ohh, cease, Wulf! I cannot think."

  "Do not!" he said. "Tell me you do not love me, Cailin Drusus, and I will help you to escape Villa Maxima now. I will leave Constantinople, and you will never see me again. Perhaps it would be better that way. Our child is lost to us, and the life you lead here in Byzantium is a better life for you. Civilization suits you, lambkin. You know the rough destiny facing us back in Britain." Yet despite his words, he held her close, as if he could not bear to let her go.

  Cailin was silent for what seemed an eternity, and then she said, "The child might yet live, Wulf. I somehow feel it does. What kind of parents are we that we do not even seek to find our child?"

  "What of this Flavius Aspar? The man you are to wed?" he asked. "Is there not enough between you that you would remain here with him?"

  "There is much between us," she replied quietly. "More than you can possibly know. I give up much to return to Britain with you, Wulf Ironfist; but there is much waiting for us in Britain. There are our lands, which I have no doubt Antonia has appropriated once more; and there is the hope of finding our child. The land has a certain meaning for me. Aspar's love, however, far outweighs it. It is our child that tips the balance of the scales in your favor.

  "Once, and it seems so long ago now, we pledged ourselves to each other in wedlock. Our marriage would not be recognized by those in power here in Byzantium should I choose Aspar over you. It was not celebrated within their church. But the vows we made in our own land are sacred, and I will not deny them now that I know you live. I am a Drusus Corinium, and we are raised to honor our promises not simply when they are convenient, but always."

  "I am not a duty to be done," he said, offended.

  Cailin heard his tone. She smiled up at him. "No, Wulf Ironfist, you are not a duty, but you are my husband unless you choose here and now to renounce the vows we made to one another in my grandfather's hall that autumn night. Remember before you speak, however, that in denying me, you deny our lost child to us as well."

  "You are certain of what you are saying, lambkin?" he asked.

  "No, I am not, Wulf Ironfist," she told him candidly. "Aspar has been good to me. I love him, and I will hurt him when I leave him; but I love you also, it would seem, and there is our child."

  "What if we cannot find it?" he questioned.

  "Then there will be others," she said softly.

  "Cailin," he whispered, "I want to love you as we once loved."

  "It is expected of us," she replied, "is it not? The door is barred, and they will leave us in peace until the morning, but you must take that short tunic off, Wulf Ironfist. The gods! It leaves little to the imagination, and I prefer you without it."

  Now they both stood naked in the flickering light of the lamps. Cailin filled her eyes with him. She had forgotten much, but now memory surged strongly through her. Reaching out, she touched a crescent-shaped scar on his chest, just above his left breast. "This is new," she said.

  "I got it at the school in Capua," he told her, and then held out his right arm to her, "and this one at the spring games in Ravenna this past year. I was blocking a net man, and thinking he had me, he already had his dagger out. He died well, as I remember."

  Cailin leaned forward and kissed the scar upon his arm. "You must never go into the ring again, Wulf. I lost you once, but I will not lose you again!"

  "There is no safe place," he told her. "There is always danger lurking somewhere, my beloved." Then his two big hands cupped her face and he pressed kisses on her lips, her eyes, her cheeks. Her skin was so soft. She murmured low, her head falling back, her white throat straining. He licked hotly at the column of perfumed flesh, his lips lingering at the base of her neck, feeling the beating pulse beneath. "I love you, lambkin," he murmured. "I always have."

  She suddenly seemed to flame with desire. She devoured him with her kisses; her lips and her tongue kissing, touching, licking at him. She touched the scar on his breastbone with her mouth, and he groaned as if in pain. She straightened herself, and they stared deeply into each other's eyes for what seemed an eternity. They were past words. Reaching out, she touched his manhood, stroking him gently, her fingers slipping around him to softly caress his pouch of life.

  "You will unman me, sweet," he grated.

  "You are no green boy," she reassured him, "and we may as well put to good use the things I have learned for our mutual pleasure." Slipping to her knees before him, she kissed his belly and thighs, then taking him in her mouth, she loved him until he begged her stop, pulling her to her feet to kiss her hungrily.

  He drew her over to the dais, and they lay together upon the mattress, their bodies entwined, kissing more. She was no longer the shy girl he had known. Her hands were bold and touched him knowledgeably. He didn't know whether to be shocked or delighted, but in the end he erred on the side of delight. He had lost a sweet young wife. He had regained a passionate woman. Cradling her in the crook of his arm, he began to stroke her body, and she purred at him like a well-fed feline, encouraging him, crying out softly as her own pleasure began to build.

  He cuddled the perfect globes of her breasts tenderly, leaning forward to lick at the nipples with a warm tongue, rousing the rosy tips. The taste of her was exciting, and he began to lick at her warm, silken skin, his tongue sweeping over her flesh; between her breasts, up her throat, back down again to her belly.

  Cailin moaned fitfully and half sobbed, "Do you know how to pleasure a woman as I pleasured you?"

  "Aye," he rasped, and lowered his head that he might do her bidding, flicking lightly at her little jewel, but then he probed at her more deeply, his tongue pushing into her suggestively.

  "Ahhhh!" she cried out, and her body arched to meet him. He was driving her wild, and she sensed he knew it. Then Wulf pulled himself up, and seeking her woman's passage, slid slowly and sensuously into her. When he had sheathed himself as deeply as he could, he let himself rest a moment, his manhood throbbing its passionate message to her. Then grasping her hips in his hands, he moved rhythmically within her until her whimpering cries rang in his ears. Cailin's lids were heavy, but she forced her eyes open that she might look into his face as he possessed her.

  He took her tenderly, kissing her face, murmuring his love and longing into her ear. She was full of him, and yet she longed for more of him. She had forgotten the passion that had once existed between them, but now he stirred the embers of her memory until she was afire, and remained so throughout the night as they made love to one another over and over again, seemingly unable to gain satisfaction for very long.

  Finally exhausted, they fell into a light slumber, only to be awakened by a pounding upon the door of the chamber.

  Wulf stumbled to his feet. The floor lamp and one of the smaller oil lamps had burned out. Unbarring the door, he opened it to find Casia and Jovian before him. "What do you want?" he growled.

  "Justin Gabras has sent to Flavius Aspar," Jovian said. His voice was high-pitched and he appeared frightened.

>   Cailin scrambled up. "My clothes, Jovian! I must get dressed immediately, and for pity's sake find something respectable for Wulf Ironfist to wear when he meets the general."

  Casia, who was already dressed in the garments she had worn yesterday, said, "I have your clothes, Cailin. Come with me!"

  "Did you mean what you said last night?" Wulf asked her.

  "Aye," Cailin answered him with a smile. "We are going home to Britain to reclaim our lands and find our child. Aye, I meant it!" She pushed past him and, with Casia leading the way, hurried down the corridor.

  "You are mad!" Casia told her as she helped Cailin dress. "You would give up becoming Aspar's wife and all that Byzantium has to offer for that Saxon? No man is that wonderful in bed!"

  Cailin laughed. "He is, but it isn't just that, Casia. Wulf Ironfist is my husband. We have a child, lost to us right now, to be certain; but we will find our child when we return home!"

  " 'Tis madness!" Casia repeated. "How will you get back to Britain? What will you use for money? The chances of finding your child are incredible, Cailin. Have you no thought for Aspar? You will break his heart, I fear."

  Cailin sighed deeply. "Do you think I do not know that, Casia? What would you do, caught between the love of two men? I cannot have them both, and so I must decide between them, though it pains me to do so."

  The slave woman, Isis, came and told them, "Flavius Aspar and Prince Basilicus await you in the atrium, my ladies."

  "Basilicus? Oh, the gods!" Casia sobbed.

  When they reached the atrium, they found Justin Gabras was also there, as was Jovian and Wulf Ironfist. "You see!" Gabras crowed triumphantly. "What did I tell you, my lords! Once a whore, always a whore. I was shocked when they arrived last evening and then stayed to entertain the gladiators as only they are capable."

  "How easily the lie rolls off your tongue, Justin Gabras," Cailin said coldly.

  "Do you deny that you spent the night locked in the arms of the brawny Saxon, or that Casia entertained the gladiator known as the Hun?"

  "Do you deny that that you forced us to it, stripping us of our garments, and making us play hide and seek in the gardens until we were caught and given as prizes to the gladiators?"

  "I did not kidnap you and bring you here, lady," Gabras replied smugly. "You came here of your own free will, and now you would cry rape when your lewd behavior is found out."

  "Be silent!" Flavius Aspar thundered, and Cailin drew a sharp breath, for she had never seen him so angry as he was at this minute. He pierced her with a hard look. "Did you come here of your own free will yesterday, lady?"

  "Do not blame her, it is my fault!" Casia burst out. She was near to tears, a state that surprised the men who knew her.

  Aspar's stern face softened a bit. "Tell me the truth of this, my love," he said, turning to Cailin. "You have never lied to me."

  "Nor will I now, my lord Aspar," Cailin said quietly. "Yesterday at the games I thought I recognized one of the gladiators. I confided in Casia, and she felt we should come to Villa Maxima that I might see this man at a closer range in order to determine if I did indeed know him."

  "She was reluctant to come," Casia broke in. "She was concerned if someone saw us, it would reflect badly on you, my lord."

  "You need not defend me, Casia," Cailin chided her friend gently. "My lord knows my character well."

  "And when you saw this gladiator close up, Cailin Drusus, was he indeed the man you thought he was?" Aspar asked her.

  "Yes, my lord, he was, I fear. The man who is known as the Saxon is my husband, Wulf Ironfist," Cailin said, and while the two men were absorbing that startling revelation, she went on to explain what had happened to herself and to Casia at the hands of Justin Gabras.

  When she had concluded her tale, Casia broke in quickly. "The Hun did not have me, my prince. He has, it seems, a very weak head for wine. My plan was to get him drunk and then hit him upon the head, but three goblets of Jovian's best Cyprian brew, and he was snoring like a wild boar with a bellyful of acorns and roots."

  It was obvious that Basilicus wanted very much to believe Casia. Relief spread over his features when Wulf Ironfist said, "She is probably speaking the truth, my lord. I have lived with the Hun these months past, and it is true that he has no head for wine."

  "And you, Cailin Drusus," Aspar said. "Did you get the Saxon drunk, too?" She saw the pain in his eyes, which he strove to hide from the others, and vowed silently that Gabras would not have this victory over Flavius Aspar; nor would she hurt him with this particular truth.

  "Wulf and I spent the night talking, my lord. There was much for us to talk about, was there not, Wulf?"

  The Saxon realized what she was doing, and wondered if Flavius Aspar would believe the lie that he now gave voice to in her support.

  "Cailin speaks the truth, my lord. There was much unresolved between us."

  "They are lying!" Justin Gabras shouted. "It is impossible for him to have spent the night with her and not made love to her!"

  "Am I some green boy, you snake, that I must poke my sword in every pretty sheath that comes along? To call me a liar, Gabras, is to seek death!"

  Justin Gabras paled and took a step backward.

  "You've done your mischief, Gabras," Prince Basilicus said. "Now get you gone from here, and if one word of this scandal should reach my ears, I will personally see that you meet a most unpleasant end. You have no real friends in Byzantium, and if you want to see your child born, then you will forget what you have done."

  "Is he not to be punished?" Casia demanded, relieved not to be in her lover's bad graces. "Look at the trouble he has caused!"

  Basilicus laughed. "He is married to Flacilla Strabo. That is punishment enough, I think."

  As Justin Gabras turned to leave, Phocas Maxima stepped from the shadows. "A moment, my lord Gabras. There is the matter of the bill. I think I should be wise to settle it today. You have made powerful enemies here this morning, and the span of your life is no longer certain." He took the man's arm and led him off.

  Jovian, looking at the five people in his atrium, wondered what was to come next. He had not long to wait.

  Aspar took Cailin's hand in his. "Tell me," he said.

  "I must go home to Britain, my lord," she said quietly, but there were tears in her eyes when she said it.

  "How easily you leave me, my love," he said bitterly.

  "No," Cailin told him. "It is not easy for me to leave you, for I love you, but I have thought long and hard about what I must do. In the eyes of your Orthodox church I am not married, and therefore free to wed you, Aspar. But I know that under the old laws of marriage in Britain, I am Wulf's wife.

  "Once the empress told me that love was a weakness for those in power. I did not believe her, my lord, but now I do. What if the Saxon had not been Wulf Ironfist? What would you have done knowing I had been forcibly violated? What if I had been driven mad by the incident? Gabras himself planned to have me, I know. How would you have felt upon learning that the woman you loved and planned to make your wife had been hurt, and shamed so?

  "Your value to the empire would have come to an end, my lord, had any of these things come to pass. I am your weakness, Flavius Aspar! Your enemies can reach out and strike at you through me, through the children I would have given you. I was a childish fool to believe that we could live as quiet a life as my parents lived at their country villa. You are important to Byzantium, my love, and your usefulness is not yet at an end. Besides," she smiled at him, "you quite enjoy being an emperor-maker. You would be bored raising horses, hay, and grain.

  "I must leave you, my dear lord, if I am to save you from your enemies. There is no other way, and in your heart you know that I am right in this. And what of Wulf Ironfist? He and I have lands in Britain that we must reclaim, and a child who is lost, but whom we will find. I cannot turn my back on any of this, though I am torn between you both! Once I said that Fortuna was not kind to me, but she has been too kind, I think,
for what other woman has been so well-loved by two such wonderful men? It is possible, you know, for a woman to love two men.

  "Had I ever believed that I should be reunited with Wulf Ironfist again, I should not have allowed you to love me, Flavius Aspar. You do not really need me. I am but a liability to you. Wulf needs me."

  "You could not have ever kept me from loving you, Cailin Drusus," Aspar told her sadly, "but if you feel you must leave me, then I will not stand in your way." He wanted to plead with her to stay with him. He wanted to tell her that she was no liability to him; or if it was so, then he would take his chances with his enemies if it meant having her by his side. Instead he said, "You must take Nellwyn with you. Britain is her home, too, and I would not know what to do with her if you left her behind. She would be but a constant reminder of you."

  "Yes, I will take Nellwyn."

  "I will send word to Zeno to pack your belongings and send them here with the girl. Unless you would like to return to Villa Mare, and oversee this business yourself, my love."

  "I can take nothing from you, my lord," Cailin said. "Under the circumstances, it would not be right."

  "Do not be a little fool," the practical Casia snapped at her friend. "You need clothing, Cailin! I will go to Villa Mare and pack the garments that will best serve you. It is true that you will not need the more glorious clothing you possess, but you should take a warm cloak, some simple stolas, camisas, and slippers, for you will do a great deal of walking, I suspect, before you get home to your Britain."

  Jovian, silent through all of this, now spoke up. "Phocas and I own a small trading vessel that is leaving for Massilia on the afternoon tide. It will not be luxurious, but it will get you to Gaul in just a few weeks. I can arrange passage for you, if you wish it."

  "I think that would be an excellent idea," Aspar said. Best to get this over with quickly, he thought. "Do not forget her jewelry, Casia."

  "No!" Cailin cried, stricken. "I cannot take it."