Reckless Devotion (Book One)
Page 17
As I listen to his words, my anger starts to subside, and I decide to try again. I have to. “I’ll stay, but I’m serious, Gabriel. If you start with that shit, I have to go. I can’t do it right now.”
“Understood. Do you accept my apology? The last thing I want is to make you feel like I took advantage.”
“I accept.”
“Thank you.” He bows his head slightly. “If you want to freshen up, I’ll have coffee ready for you in the living room.”
“Thank you.”
He nods, then walks out leaving me to wonder what happens now. Back in the bathroom, I realize the toothbrush on the counter is mine. In fact, all my toiletries laid out before me are mine. It makes me smile to know he made sure I would have everything I needed, but he’s so confusing. One minute so thoughtful and sweet, and the other taking advantage. I quickly brush my teeth, wash my face, and brush through my hair before walking out to join Gabriel. He’s sitting in the living room on the couch staring out the sliding glass doors.
“Gabriel?”
He turns toward me and smiles. “Hey.”
“You still want me to stay?”
“Definitely.” He lifts a mug from the coffee table. “Coffee?”
“Thank you.” Taking it, I sit next to him, tucking my feet underneath me.
“Are you cold? I can turn the heat up.”
“I’m okay.” He nods, playing with a lock of my hair, and searching my eyes. “Will you tell me something, Gabriel?”
“Anything.”
“How did you decide to… I mean…” I smile. “I guess I don’t know how to ask.”
“You want to know how I turned into a twisted fucker?”
Laughing softly, I nod. “Your words.”
“I’ll tell you, but it’s gonna take a while. Are you hungry? I’ll make us some eggs and toast and then…” He cups my cheek. “Then I’ll bare my soul to you.”
AS I PULL A skillet out of the cabinet and place it on the stove, I watch the beautiful woman curled up on my couch as she sips her coffee. Suddenly the tables are turned, and I’m begging her to stay. I don’t care though. Her presence is more important than my pride is at the moment. Now, I’ve agreed to tell her how I became the man I am today. This ought to be good. Her phone rings and she turns and looks at her handbag. Deciding to prove I’m not an overbearing dick all the time, I grab it and hand it to her.
“Thank you.”
She answers, speaking softly to whomever it is, and even though jealously courses through my bloodstream, I fight the urge to ask her who she’s talking to. I told her I trust her. I have to act like I do.
Finishing breakfast, I plate it up and carry it out to her where she’s just ending her call.
“Okay, talk to you Monday. Bye.” She hangs up and puts her phone on the coffee table, taking a plate from me. “That was Sara,” she offers. “Just digging for info.”
I laugh softly. “She’s always been so curious.”
“She is. I told her I was with you. Hope that was okay.”
“Absolutely.” I push my eggs around the plate before taking a deep breath. “Ready to talk?”
“If you are.”
I nod. “I always knew I was a little different than other guys. I was rough in bed before it was trendy.” She nods, taking a bite of toast. “I struggled to find girls when I was young that would let me do the things I wanted to do. As I got older, sometimes I found one that agreed, but when she saw the extent of it, she freaked out. It was difficult for me, and I always wondered why I was made this way. Why I couldn’t just be normal like other men.”
Mia watches me with compassion in her eyes. “Go on.”
“I stumbled along going between full-fledged dom and suppressing my desires until one night in Paris. I was sitting at a club having a drink and looking for someone to take home. A woman walked up to me, sat down, and asked me in French if I wanted to know a secret. I said yes, and she handed me a flyer with an address on it. She told me it was club where I could experience any fantasy I wanted, and all I had to do was show up with a hefty sum of money, sign the confidentiality agreement, and find out if the club was for me. I was intrigued, so I went.” I take a bite of toast remembering that night. “Once I was in, I saw imagery on the walls portraying the lifestyle I was seeking, and I knew I was in the right place. That night I was initiated, and it just went on from there.”
“It was a sex club?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “All the women were true submissives wanting a master. I could finally be myself, and it felt really good. I knew from that point on that’s who I was.”
“Okay.” I notice how her expression falls. “So I was right. It isn’t going to work.”
“No, Mia, you’re wrong. If I’m being truthful with you, then I have to admit that other than your remarkable beauty, the thing that draws me to you the most is the fact that you’re not submissive.”
“Yeah, but just so you can get off trying to make me one.”
I pause for a moment trying to think of how to explain it to her. “I like pushing you, but I pushed because I thought you wanted it. I thought it turned you on too. Was I completely wrong? Were you putting on a show for me?”
“No.” She stares at her plate for a minute before glancing up at me. “I’ll be honest too. I’m really confused by everything going on between us. I’m positive that I’m not submissive, but you were so convincing when you presented it to me, and I wanted you so much, I tried as hard as I could. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do. Played with myself at work, texted you my food.” She shakes her head. “I gave you my fucking checkbook, Gabriel. Does that seem like an act to you?”
“No.”
“No, it’s not. You make me want to do things sexually that I haven’t done before, but I haven’t discarded the woman I am, and I’m not going to. Maybe there’s a happy medium here. I’m willing to try if you are, but I can’t give you complete control. I can’t and I won’t. If you’re not okay with that, then…” She shrugs. “Then I gotta go.”
I search her eyes wondering if she’s bluffing, but I can see she’s not as she gazes back at me with steely resolve.
“What do I have to do, right now, Mia, to prove that I can compromise? I need the rough sex, I’m not gonna lie about that, but the rest can be worked out. Do you want to work it out?”
“Yes.”
I put my plate on the coffee table. “So what can I do? You want me to get on my knees?”
She laughs softly. “No.”
“Then what?”
She studies me for a moment, then speaks. “I want my checkbook back. I trust you, but that’s just too much control for me right now. I gave it to you when my judgment was compromised by lust.”
“I understand.” I stand up, walk over to my kitchen drawer, pull it out and hand it to her. “What else. Demand whatever you want.”
“I don’t want you to call me little girl or good girl or girl anything. I don’t like it.”
“I’ll stop.”
“Even during sex, Gabriel.”
I nod. “I know.”
“And… the sir stuff, we said before we would just keep it to the bedroom, but it spilled over. I want to meet you in the middle with sex, but outside of that, I don’t want rules. I want to be me and use your name and talk whenever I like.” She swallows hard. “One more thing.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m down with all your talk of me belonging to you, and ruling me, and all that. It turns me on, and I like when you get rough with me.”
“But?”
“But for me, it’s like, I don’t know, fun and exciting, but it’s not real. I recognize that for you, it is real. If we have any chance of making something good between us, we have to close that gap, but it’s gonna take time. If you can try to be… um… I hate to use the word…”
“Just say it.”
“Regular. If you can try to be regular for me outside the bedroom, then I can be s
ubmissive for you inside it.”
I consider her words as I think of options. I would do almost anything to keep her here with me, but I don’t know if I can do this. “You’re asking me to suppress who I am, who I fought to be.”
“You’re asking the same thing of me, Gabriel.”
“Shit.” I lower my head for a moment, trying to think of the perfect thing to say. The words that will get her to believe in me. I wish I could find the words I need to believe in me.
Mia runs her fingers over my cheek as I search her eyes. “I think I should just go. We did our best, but it just isn’t going to work.” She stands and walks into my bedroom leaving me speechless.
As I sit on the couch, I try to imagine going on without her now that I’ve experienced such excitement. How could I even fuck another woman after Mia? But she’s right. It isn’t going to work. One or both of us has to give up too much. Running my fingers through my hair, I lean back against the couch. I’m gonna lose her.
When she comes out, she’s fully dressed again. “Can you give me a ride? My car’s still at work.”
“Yeah, of course. Just let me throw on some clothes.”
“Okay.” She sits on the couch as I walk back to my bedroom.
I don’t know what to do, but maybe we both just need a couple of days to think. After I throw on a sweater and some jeans, I walk out to find her sitting as still as a statue.
“Mia?” She stands. “Ready?”
“Yeah.”
We walk out to the garage in silence, and our car ride stays that way. When we reach her car, she opens the door to get out, but I grab her arm.
“Just give me a little time, Mia.”
“Time for what?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, but I know that I don’t want this to be the last time I see you. I’m not ready to let you go yet.”
“Sometimes…” She pauses, exhaling slowly. “Sometimes two people meet that aren’t good for each other. Even if you want it not to be true, even if you wish you could be someone you’re not, the fact is, that’s not how it works. I wish this wasn’t happening, Gabriel. I hoped…” Her eyes shift toward the window. “I hoped for more, but we just have to accept we weren’t meant to be.” She turns back to face me, then leans forward and kisses my lips softly. “Even though this sucks, I’m still glad we met. I’ll tell Sara I fucked up or something. I’ll keep your confidence.”
“Mia—”
“Bye, Gabriel.”
She steps out of the car, and as she walks away, I feel like part of me just went with her.
There’s no way this is over. No way.
The Sunflower Trilogy
Book One: Turn Towards the Sun
Book Two: After the Rain
Book Three: Forever in Bloom
Have my Heart- A Novella
Beautifully Twisted
Chasing Desire
Londyn Falls
Exposed
Break Me Down
If I Told You
At First Glance
When I Found You
Unexpectedly Royal
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