“I’ve always wanted a guy to kiss me in the heat of the moment, and then me slap him,” Emma says. “Like they used to do in the old movies. It would be so romantic.”
Slapping a guy is romantic?
“Why did he even kiss you?” Teagan asks. “If he knew you’re with Estaine, I mean.”
“Brooks said he was jealous,” I answer.
“Wow,” Emma says, her mouth hanging open. I watch as gum falls out of her mouth and onto Teagan’s arm.
“Gross,” Teagan says, holding up her arm.
Emma takes the gum and sticks it back in her mouth.
Gross.
“Sorry,” Emma says. “I just... can’t even.”
“Ugh,” Teagan says. “You know I hate when people say that.”
“This situation totally calls for it,” she says.
“Maybe you’re right,” Teagan says, then looks at me. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I answer. “I mean, I like Brooks. You’re right. He is gorgeous. But he’s super jealous. He always has been, even before Estaine and I started dating.”
I want to tell them that our relationship is phony. That we’re not dating. But I can’t do that without telling them a lot more. Things that I literally cannot tell them, unless I want to go into hiding again. Only this time, I don’t think it’ll be a place as nice as East Raven.
And Estaine won’t be there.
Or Brooks.
Or Teagan and Emma.
Or any of the friends I’ve made here.
“How was the kiss?” Emma asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer. “I don’t have any kisses to compare it to.”
“Oh, right. I forgot,” she says.
“You need to kiss Estaine already,” Teagan says. “I bet his kiss would make you forget all about Brooks.”
That’s what I’m scared of.
“What’s going on with you and Jason?” I ask Teagan.
“Well, over the break we kind of hung out,” Teagan answers.
“So, he’s your boyfriend now?” I ask.
Her face breaks out with a wide grin and her eyes light up. “Yeah. We were kissing one night, and he was like, ‘want to be my girlfriend?’”
“Romantic,” I say, laughing.
“That’s pretty much as romantic as Jason gets,” Emma says.
“He can be romantic when he wants to be,” Teagan says. “Besides, you know I’m not much of a flowers and chocolates kind of girl.”
“Fine. If Jason gives you flowers and chocolate, you can give them to me,” Emma says.
“Bryce can buy you flowers,” Teagan replies.
“We broke up. You were there, remember?”
“And I was there the time before when you broke up. And then, the time before. Oh, and the other fifty times. You guys will get back together. You always do,” Teagan says. “I can imagine you guys being married one day, going to the divorce lawyer every other day.”
Emma rolls her eyes. “I might date Bryce again, but I am not marrying him.”
“You’d better not, because I refuse to be maid of honor if you do.”
“When we go to college, I’m going to date a super-hot guy,” Emma says. “And he is going to help me forget I ever dated Bryce.”
I sit down on my bed, enjoying their easy banter.
It’s easy to see why Teagan and Emma are best friends. Emma is a pretty cool girl when she’s not crying over Bryce. I wish I could see this carefree side of her more often. I hope she doesn’t waste her entire high school experience on him.
“What are you going to do about your boy drama, Phoenix?” Emma asks.
“I am attracted to Brooks, but I have a feeling he and I would fight, like, all the time,” I say. “Estaine is different. He was my friend first. He’s still my friend. We might eventually fight, but it won’t be over stupid things all the time.”
“I’d better be a bridesmaid in your wedding,” Teagan says. “Since I basically set you and Estaine up.”
I throw my pillow at her and it smacks her in the face before she can move out of the way.
“You guys do make a very cute couple,” Emma says.
“Thanks,” I say.
Even if we aren’t a real couple.
Tuesday, September 5
Finally together.
When I went to bed Monday night, I admit I was a bit worried that I would get kidnapped in my sleep. But when I wake up safely in my dorm room, I know that it was all in vain. I am safe at East Raven Academy.
Actually, I’ve always felt safe here. Of course, I felt safe in California until I got kidnapped.
Teagan is still sleeping when I leave for breakfast that morning. I heard her sneak into the dorm around two this morning, so I figure she’s exhausted. I’m so happy for her and Jason, that they’re finally together.
As I’m about to walk in, I spot Paige glaring at me.
This girl.
“Is one guy not enough for you?” she asks. “You’ve got to date Estaine and Brooks now?”
“I’m only dating Estaine,” I say, not that it’s her business. “It’s only ever been Estaine.”
“I saw the video. Everybody did,” Paige says. “I don’t know how you did it, but I’m watching you.”
“Okay,” I say. “Have fun with that.”
“You’re pathetic,” she says, shaking her head at me.
“Phoenix!” I hear somebody yell.
I look up and spot Ian walking over.
“Everything okay?” Ian asks.
I nod.
“You got a third boyfriend now?” Paige asks.
“If only,” Ian says. “She always turns me down. She and Estaine are sickeningly in love.” He turns so that he’s standing between Paige and me. He’s got his back to her, clearly excluding her from the conversation. “I think Estaine is already in there.”
The two of us walk towards the cafeteria together, and I am thankful for him.
“Thank you,” I tell him, after we get our food and start walking towards our table. “I can’t stand girls like Paige. I don’t know what her problem is, but she’s been ridiculous to me since she found out about Estaine and me.”
“Estaine says you’re into MMA and that you can kick his butt in a fight, so I’m not too worried about you,” Ian says, as we sit down. “That girl is a wimp. She’d be too scared to break a nail in a fight.”
“Who are you going to fight?” Estaine asks.
“Paige Lawson,” Ian answers for me. “She’s jealous that Phoenix is dating you.”
“Still?” he asks, looking at me.
“It’s not a big deal. I’ve dealt with mean girls before,” I say.
“I’ll take care of it,” he says defensively. “I’m not going to let that girl mess with you.”
“Don’t,” I say. “She’s just got a crush on you and is mad that you’re with me.”
I already know that he’s not interested in dating Paige. He made that very clear. If he was, I would gladly let him break up with me.
Well, maybe not gladly.
Having a fake relationship with a guy that I might kind of have a small crush on is hard. Because, while we are completely faking being together, my feelings don’t know that. And when he eventually does want to date somebody else, breaking up is going to suck.
“I wouldn’t give her the time of day, even if you weren’t here,” Estaine says.
“She’s always wanted Estaine. And Brooks,” Ian says. “They’re the only two guys that she can’t have.”
“You dated her?” I ask.
Ian laughs. “Dated is a strong word. We might have made out a couple of times.”
“Gross,” I say. “I hope you sanitized your mouth afterwards.”
“True story, Estaine said the exact same thing to me after he found out,” Ian says. “You two must be meant to be.”
I always feel so weird when our friends make comments about our relationship. Like, when they
say we’re cute together or perfect together. But Estaine seems like it’s completely normal, like he expects it. He just puts his arm around me, pulling me closer.
“It’s fate,” Estaine says.
“What’s fate?” Emma asks, as her and Bryce sit down at the table.
I guess they’re back together, but nobody says a word to them about it.
“Estaine and Phoenix,” Ian says. “Both of them even have weird names.”
“Can you imagine what they’ll name their kids?” Bryce says.
Wow.
Even Bryce is in a good mood today.
“Just don’t name them after food. You don’t want your kid being called something weird like Pineapple,” Emma says.
“I’ve heard a lot of celebrities name their kids weird things,” I say. “I actually went to school with a girl named Peach. Though, in her defense, her dad was strung out on drugs pretty badly when she was born.”
“Peach. That’s just horrible,” Emma says.
“Charlie dated this girl who was named Tokyo. Apparently her parents named all their children after the cities they were conceived in, and they had a lot of kids,” I say. “Tokyo, Rome, Hamilton, Berlin and, the worst, Warsaw.”
“Warsaw?” Ian asks.
“It’s in Poland,” I say.
“Were you named after the city you were conceived in?” Emma asks.
“I’m too scared to ask my...”
Estaine cuts me off before I can say my mom or dad. “I am convinced my parents made up my name.”
“Knowing your dad, they probably had a book with posh baby names inside,” Ian says. “Like, which name will look best on a presidential ballot?”
“I’ll vote for you,” I tell him.
“I’m not sure I want to be a politician,” Estaine says. “My dad wants me to be president someday. He’s told me that, since I was a kid. But I think I might want to do something else.”
“Good, ’cause I don’t think my dad would let me date a future democrat.”
Estaine laughs.
“I thought your dad was dead,” Emma says.
Ah, crud.
“He is,” I say. “I just... my uncle... sometimes I call him dad, ’cause I was raised with him.”
“Oh, okay,” she says, accepting my response. “Where is Teagan this morning? And Jason.”
“She snuck back in the dorm early this morning,” I say. “I’m guessing they’re going to be sleeping late.”
“About time those two started dating,” Ian says. “Jason’s been pining over her since freshman year.”
“Why haven’t they dated before now?” I ask.
I seriously thought it was Jason who didn’t want to date Teagan. She told me she had a crush on somebody at the beginning of the year. I assumed she met Jason, but maybe it wasn’t him.
“Teagan always turned him down before,” Ian says.
“Why?” I ask.
“How would I know?” he asks.
And now I’m curious... just who has she been crushing on?
11pm.
Pretty obvious.
Estaine and I are sitting on the boat dock; my feet are dangling over the water.
Bryce and Emma are somewhere out here, and Jason and Teagan we lost somewhere along the way. We were all supposed to hang out together, but I don’t mind hanging out with just Estaine. I’m the most comfortable when it’s just the two of us.
“Do you ever feel like we are deceiving everybody?” I ask Estaine, as I look out at the water.
“You’re lying to save your life,” he says. “I think they would understand.”
“I didn’t mean about that part,” I say. “I mean, about us. You know, we’re fake dating, or whatever. I feel really guilty. I’m lying enough about other things. I don’t want to lie about us, too.”
“If we have a fake break up, we couldn’t continue hanging out like this,” he says. “I mean, people would think we were back together. Nobody would believe we’re just friends. Plus, even before we started fake dating, everybody knew that I had... have.. feelings for you.”
“You... do?” I ask.
“I thought it was pretty obvious.”
Maybe.
Kind of.
But also, not at all.
“Maybe to everybody else,” I say.
Maybe I was just too obsessed over Brooks, in the beginning, to even notice that Estaine liked me.
Brooks was very vocal about his feelings towards me. But Estaine... he’s just been my friend. He’s been there for me from the beginning. And my feelings for him have slowly been developing.
“You really didn’t know?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Well, I like you,” Estaine says.
I can’t help but smile. I never expected him to just come out and say it. He’s usually more subtle, but maybe I don’t need subtle. Maybe I needed him to just come right out and say it.
I’m aware of the fact that I haven’t said anything to him yet, but I just need a moment to shift through my thoughts and feelings.
I like Estaine. There is no doubt about that. If I didn’t like him, I wouldn’t have told him the truth.
Yes, it’s a fact that I had some kind of weird instant attraction thing going on with Brooks. But that was all it was—attraction. I had this major crush on him without ever getting to know him. It wasn’t that way with Estaine. I mean, I found him attractive from the beginning, but it’s different with him. Everything is different with him.
“Did I freak you out?” Estaine asks.
He’s so calm.
If I had just confessed my feelings for somebody and they said nothing, I would be freaking out.
“No,” I answer. “I was just thinking.”
He stays quiet, and I know he’s waiting for me to continue.
“I like you, too,” I say.
“Really?” he asks, sounding genuinely surprised.
“Yeah,” I answer, looking up at him. Even in the dark, I can see how green his eyes are.
“Do you think we should stop pretend dating?” Estaine asks.
“What? Why? I thought you didn’t want to break up...”
“I didn’t mean break up. I mean, maybe we should for real date,” he says. “I mean, I like you. And you like me. Everybody else thinks we’re dating. So, why not just date for real? I mean, if you want to.”
I have never wanted a boyfriend in high school.
But Estaine isn’t like other boys. He’s proven that plenty of times.
“I have a few questions first,” I say. “Before I answer.”
“Okay,” he says.
“If I hang out with other guys, guys who are just friends, will you be jealous?” I ask.
“If they’re just friends, I won’t be jealous,” he says.
“What if I eventually want to be friends with Brooks again?” I ask.
“You will,” Estaine says. “I know you, and eventually you’ll talk to Brooks again. I’m okay with that, as long as he doesn’t kiss you.”
I laugh. “I promise I won’t let him kiss me. If he tries, I’ll try out my MMA moves on him.”
“Good,” he says. “What else?”
“I don’t want to fight,” I tell him. “I know we don’t fight now, but if we ever get to the point where we fight a lot, I want you to be able to walk away. I do not want to be like Bryce and Emma.”
“I promise, I won’t let us be like them,” he says.
“Okay,” I say. “So... we’re, like, for real dating now?”
“Yeah.”
I smile. “It doesn’t really change anything, because everybody already thinks we’re dating.”
“It changes everything,” he says.
I look at him, wondering what he means.
“Now I can kiss you.”
And he does.
In my head, this is my first kiss. I don’t count what happened with Brooks, because I didn’t want that kiss. But I do want this kiss, and
it couldn’t be more perfect than it is with Estaine.
Right here, with his lips against mine, my hands running through his hair—it’s perfect.
Wednesday, September 6
Forgiveness.
The next day, Estaine and I are both unable to wipe the smiles off our faces. All our friends notice, of course, but what can we tell them? We weren’t really dating, just pretend dating, but now we’re for real dating? No. So, for now, it’ll just be our little secret.
Estaine and I walk to the soccer fields together and sit in the stands by our friends.
Tonight, the girls’ soccer team is playing against West Raven Academy. I’m a little nervous that Brooks will show up, but I relax when the game gets started and I still haven’t seen him. I’d really like to avoid that, if possible. I’m not really mad at him anymore, mostly just aggravated. Once I tell Brooks that I am for real dating Estaine, he probably won’t want to talk to me anymore, so it doesn’t really matter.
I am a little jealous of Teagan tonight, watching her on the field. I should be out there playing, too, and the fact that I’m not is just another reminder that this life... it’s fake. Even my name is fake.
Estaine squeezes my hand, as if he knows what I’m thinking. He smiles at me, and I’m reminded that he is real. We are real. He might possibly be the only real thing in my life right now. But he’s enough.
Somebody sits to the right of me and I look over to see Emma. She has tears running down her face, and I automatically know that she and Bryce have broken up. Again. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, because she’s clearly hurting.
“What’s the matter?” I ask her, just to be polite.
“Bryce...” she sobs. “We broke up earlier. Just a few hours ago. And I just saw him kissing another girl under the bleachers.”
Emma wipes under her eyes.
“Do you want me to beat him up for you?” I ask, because I have wanted to beat him to a pulp since I first met him. Now I know I’m strong enough to do it. If I can take on Estaine, Bryce would be no problem at all.
Bryce is kind of short for a guy. He’s barely taller than I am. And he’s super skinny.
“No. I just want us to be over for real,” she says. “I want to be strong enough to tell him no when he tries to get back together with me. But I can’t ever seem to tell him no, and I hate myself for it.”
Ever After (East Raven Academy Book 1) Page 21