Floored

by Melanie Harlow

  I blinked—that was his plan? Boy, had he botched it. “You might have been safe. Except that you came back later.”

  He closed his eyes and exhaled, and I wondered if the sight of me crawling toward him on the studio floor was going through his mind like it was mine. “I did.” He met my eyes. “And I don’t regret it.”

  I crossed my legs.

  Lowering his voice to a whisper, he leaned forward. “I thought maybe we could just do it once, get it out of our systems. I didn’t know how good it was going to be.”

  My arms and legs prickled with goose bumps. It had been good. More than good.

  “Afterward, when I went outside to throw the trash away, I was so mad at myself. Because I could feel something happening with us, and I didn’t want it to. I couldn’t let it.”

  I nodded. “I remember. It felt like forever before you came back inside.”

  “I was out there beating myself up. Because I hadn’t gotten you out of my system—in fact, it was the opposite—you were completely under my skin. But I had to go back in and act like it was no big deal. Give you the lines I’d rehearsed.” He shook his head. “Believe me, I didn’t feel that way.”

  “You’re a good actor,” I said flatly.

  “I was trying very hard to convince myself and you that what we’d done hadn’t affected me. That’s why I said right away I couldn’t date you. I did that for both of us—so we wouldn’t start wanting something that couldn’t happen.”

  Uncrossing my legs, I leaned forward, putting both palms on the table. “But it did happen, Charlie. What about last weekend? What about telling me you wanted to give me more?”

  His blue eyes pleaded with me. “That was all real. Things changed. I do want to give you more, Erin. I want to give you everything. But I also said I needed time. You said you could be patient with me, remember?”

  “I meant I could be patient with you slowly opening up. This is not the same thing at all.”

  “Yes, it is,” he insisted. “These are personal things about me that I don’t share with anyone up front.”

  “Charlie, it’s been months.” I thumped my hands on the table.

  “But I didn’t realize the night of the burglary that we were going to end up sleeping together. And then when we did, I didn’t realize I’d end up falling in love with you.”

  Anger exploded in my chest, so hot and fast I nearly rocketed out of my chair. “Falling in love with me! You don’t love me, Charlie Dwyer. Don’t even try to play that card right now.”

  He looked sad and earnest, the bastard. “I do, Erin. I do love you. I realized it was happening that night at Cliff Bell’s and I fought admitting it for days. That weekend I was supposed to have Madison, which was why I couldn’t go to the wedding. But then Laura called and said they were seeing Blake’s family for the holidays that night. So I was able to come and surprise you. When I saw you in that church, I knew how I felt. I nearly told you I loved you that night.”

  “But instead you waited for Starbucks?” Horrified, I looked around and lowered my voice. “God, Charlie. This just feels so wrong.” I propped my elbows on the table, my forehead on my fingertips. “It’s not how I imagined this moment at all.”

  He reached for one of my wrists and took my hand in his. “I’m sorry. For all of this. Look, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve clearly never had a successful relationship, and I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you walked out of here right now and never looked back. But I hope you don’t.”

  Part of me wanted to do just that—walk out. This man had serious baggage, and he’d lied to me. Maybe it was by omission, but it was still a lie in my book. Yet another part of me missed him badly and still longed to be with him, whatever it took. “I don’t know what to do, Charlie. I…have feelings for you, but I need to think about this. How do I know you didn’t hide this because you suspected I might have an issue with dating someone who has a child?”

  Worry creased his forehead. “I don’t know. I guess you just have to trust me that I didn’t look at it that way. I never meant for you and I to get to this point, Erin. But we’re here, I’m telling you the truth, and I’ll ask you now.” Taking a deep breath, he asked me the question I’d been afraid to ask myself. “Are you willing to be with someone who has a child, knowing that child will always come first?”

  I chewed my bottom lip, agonizing over the answer. Was I a horrible person if I said I wasn’t sure? Was I being selfish and immature to think it might be too difficult? It wasn’t only a child, but an ex-wife too, one that had the right to make rules Charlie had to follow. My eyes filled. “I don’t know, Charlie. Maybe if I’d known of her existence, about the whole situation from the beginning, I’d have had time to get used to it. As it stands right now…” I felt too awful to say it.

  He nodded sadly, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. “I understand.”

  I looked at him through tears. “Can I have some time to think about it?”

  “Of course. But while you take that time…” He closed his eyes briefly. “As hard as it will be, I think we shouldn’t see each other. I don’t want to hide things from Laura anymore—I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”

  I nodded, the tears beginning to drip down my cheeks. “You’re right. Plus it would just confuse things for me.”

  He let go of my hand and offered me a napkin. “When you’re ready to talk again, let me know. If you decide you want to try, I’m willing to come clean with Laura and see what she says.”

  My battered heart dusted itself off a little as I wiped my eyes. “You’d do that? Come clean about us?”

  “Absolutely.” His bright blue eyes were clear, his gaze firm. “I never thought I’d say this to anyone, Erin, but I want you in my life. Completely. And that means you’ll be in Madison’s life, too.” He reached for my hand again. “But if you decide that’s too much for you, I’ll understand.”

  He looked so heartbroken at the possibility, a fresh wave of tears broke, and I tried to stifle my sobs so we wouldn’t attract attention. Already I felt the censure of people’s stares. You’d turn away a man who loves you just because he has an innocent little child?

  But they didn’t understand what it felt like to fall in love with someone and have that person turn out to be someone else! Ever since my mother had told me about his daughter, I’d felt like I couldn’t catch my balance. Everything was off kilter. I needed solid ground under my feet again in order to think clearly, and that was only going to happen with a little distance to gain perspective. Being in a relationship with a man who had a child wasn’t anything to take lightly.

  With a viselike sadness squeezing my heart, I hugged him goodbye outside. He held me for a full minute while I wept on his shoulder. Then he kissed my cheek and let me go.

  #

  Later that night, I curled up in bed alone, cursing myself for changing the sheets since he’d last spent the night. I wished I could smell him again. I wished I could hear his voice. I wished I could see his silhouette in the darkness, moving above me.

  With no more tears left to cry, I wrapped my arms and legs around my body pillow and lay completely still, begging God to give me the answers I needed.

  God must have been terribly busy the next two weeks. Because despite a lot of badgering on my part (I went to mass with my mother, did a couple shifts at the soup kitchen, prayed nightly), He remained irritatingly silent on the subject of Charlie and me. Come on, I pleaded, lifting my eyes to the ceiling in church. Just give me a sign. Aren’t I a decent person? Don’t I deserve some peace of mind? Is this because of the things I did with Tony? I didn’t know he was going to be a priest!

  Nothing.

  Mia and Coco were no better. They refused to tell me what to do, insisting that I make my own decision. But they never let me feel alone—they met me for coffee or lunch, they invited me to dinner at their houses on Saturday nights, they asked for help with things like painting and shopping for furniture in an effort to
keep me busy. My mother asked me a few times about Charlie, but I simply said we’d been too busy to see each other much lately. She knew something was up, but miraculously, didn’t press me. I felt bad about not confiding in her, but Coco and Mia were right—I had to make my own decision.

  As for Charlie, he texted me once or twice to let me know he was thinking of me, but for the most part, he kept his distance, which was what I needed.

  I spent huge chunks of time asking myself the hard questions. Could I forgive Charlie for lying? Could I trust him? Could I handle coming second in Charlie’s life? Could I deal with an ex-wife who might be resentful and cause trouble? What if Madison disliked me? What if she was jealous of me? What if I disliked her? I knew that wasn’t likely, because in general I adored kids and enjoyed teaching them, but every now and then I did meet a child who was too whiny or entitled or sullen to have fun with.

  But I kept picturing that little gap-toothed smile, all those little frog tattoos, the big, delighted blue eyes. She didn’t look whiny or sullen; she looked darling. I wanted to meet her—this little piece of Charlie he cherished so much. I wanted to see them together, wanted to know what he was like as a dad. When I thought about the way he’d been so kind to those two little girls last month, my heart melted. I bet he was so sweet with Madison—which was such a turn-on.

  And I missed him. God, how I missed him.

  No matter how busy I stayed, no matter where I was or who I was with, a memory of Charlie would surface and I’d be unable to move, speak, breathe.

  His calm, hushed voice telling me not to come.

  My hair dangling, the ends brushing his chest.

  A pink ribbon binding my wrists.

  Blue eyes turned copper by the fire.

  The pulse of his orgasm inside me.

  There were sweet memories too—watching him hang my kitchen shades, skating at Campus Martius, eating pizza and ice cream on the couch, holding hands at the ballet, kissing at Cliff Bell’s. I even missed the way he made fun of my clean floors and organized cupboards.

  And the more time that went by, the less I worried about his daughter—the real threat, I realized, wasn’t a seven-year-old girl or even a vindictive ex-wife.

  It was fear.

  Fear of being in a situation I couldn’t control, a mess I could not clean up, a relationship that wasn’t neat and tidy and safe. But maybe if I wanted to be happy, I had to let go of safe.

  Ten days later, I was nearly ready to call him back and tell him I wanted to try.

  #

  Coco and I sat on the floor at Mia and Lucas’s house the following Friday night, watching Mia put paint samples on the wall of the room that would be the nursery. She wasn’t due until July, and she had no idea if the baby would be a boy or a girl, but she wanted the room painted a soft gray either way. While she worked, I rambled on about Charlie, fretting about my decision to call him back.

  “I’m just so terrified.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I feel like this is a critical moment, you know? Like I’m at this serious juncture of my life and one wrong move could just blow the whole thing.”

  Coco laughed sympathetically, stretching her long legs out in front of her and crossing her ankles. “I totally get that. This is a big deal.”

  “But you don’t want to let fear dictate your decisions, Erin.” Mia stepped back from the wall and eyed the color critically. “I’m not saying you should date a single dad if you don’t want to, but I do think you’ll be sorry if fear is the big reason you let him go.”

  “I know,” I said miserably. “I would be. But what about his daughter? What if she hates me?”

  “Are you kidding?” Mia glanced at me over her shoulder. “You’re a dance teacher! Seven-year-old girls are your thing!”

  “That’s true.” I tilted my head. “Unless she’s a total tomboy.”

  “She’ll love you no matter what,” Mia assured me, putting more paint on the wall. “And I have no doubt you’ve got it in you to love that child. You’re so good with kids, better than any of us.”

  “If it helps, I was terrified to give Nick another chance too,” offered Coco. “The way he’d broken my heart before hung over my head like this huge black cloud. I remember how I called Mia in a total panic about it. And that was before the pregnancy scare!”

  “Speaking of being pregnant.” Mia turned and pointed her paint brush at me. “You think I’m not terrified of becoming a mother? I totally am! What if I suck at it? What if I hate it? What if I get postpartum depression and instead of being thrilled, I’m miserable? Then there’s the actual having the baby.” She dropped the paintbrush onto a piece of plastic wrap. “I’ve done some research. Did you know that some women poop on the table during delivery? Poop!” she yelled, throwing her hands up. “On the table!”

  Coco burst out laughing, and even I had to smile. “No,” I admitted. “I didn’t know that.”

  “Well, it’s true. And if you think I don’t freak out every single day, multiple times a day, wondering if Lucas is going to see me poop on that table, grunting and pushing and making horrible faces, I assure you—you’re wrong.”

  “See, Erin? Maybe you should be glad that Charlie already has a seven-year-old.” Coco grinned at me. “Someone else did all the grunt work.”

  Mia looked down her nose at Coco, eyelids half-closed. “That is not funny.”

  “Are you really scared of all that?” I asked Mia thoughtfully. Having a baby had always been her dream, and it surprised me that she had anxiety about it now, especially since Lucas was so excited.

  “Hell. Yes.” Mia dropped down to the carpet between us. “But I want it. I want it bad enough to overcome all that fear.” She looked sideways at me. “What about you? Do you want Charlie?”

  I sighed. “I do. I miss him so much I can’t breathe. I’m miserable without him.” I flopped back onto the carpet and flung an arm over my eyes. “I love him. Plus the sex, you guys. It’s the best thing ever. I can’t describe it.”

  Mia patted my leg. “Then I think you should give it a shot, Erin. This is the most passionate I’ve ever seen you get about a guy, in a good way or bad. That tells me something.”

  “I am passionate about him.” I put my arm down and stared at the ceiling. “And it’s not just the sex I miss, but his voice, and the way he makes me laugh, and the way he smells and dresses and sleeps. We didn’t see each other all the time, but I always knew there would be a next time, and I’d get giddy with excitement about it. When we’re together, there’s this hum in the air between us I can’t describe. It’s the spark. We have the spark.” I turned my head to look at them. “I’ve always wanted what you have with Lucas, and what you have with Nick. And I feel like I found it.”

  “Chemistry,” said Coco softly. “And it’s worth something.”

  “Yes. Chemistry.” I stared at the ceiling again, bringing my hands to my forehead in disbelief. “With fucking Charlie Dwyer, the pain in the ass boy next door.”

  “Hey, at least he’s not gay,” said Coco.

  “Or a priest,” added Mia.

  “Very funny.” I sat up. “No, he’s not those things. He may not be perfect, but I do think he loves me.”

  “Fuck perfect,” they both said at the same time.

  Laughing, I got to my feet. “Exactly. OK, thanks, you guys. I’m going to go call him from home.”

  They stood and hugged me goodbye, and I left smiling.

  On the way home, I grew even more certain of my decision. If we failed, we failed, but at least I wouldn’t regret not giving Charlie another chance just because I was scared or angry or things weren’t perfect.

  My friends were right—fuck perfect.

  Nothing and nobody was perfect, not me, not Charlie, not love.

  But maybe, just maybe, we could be not-perfect together.

  “Hello?”

  The sound of his voice made me shiver. I hadn’t heard it in far too long. “Hi.”

  “Hey, you. How’s everythin
g?”

  “Great, thanks.”

  “It’s good to hear your voice.”

  I smiled, curling up in the corner of the couch he always sat in. “I was just thinking the same.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I took a breath. “I’ve been thinking a lot about…what we talked about.”

  He was quiet a moment. “Oh?”

  “Yes.” My stomach was all quivery, even though I was positive this was what I wanted. “I want you to talk to Laura.”

  He exhaled. “And you know what it means to be with me?”

  “I’ll be with Madison too.”

  He chuckled. “Sort of, yes.”

  “I know what it means, Charlie. I’m up for it.”

  “Oh my God. You just made me so happy.” His voice cracked a little, warming my insides.

  “Were you worried?”

  “Hell yes, I was worried. I mean, no—what am I saying? No, not at all. I knew you couldn’t resist me for long.”

  I smiled, letting relief sink into my bones. “So now what?”

  “I’ll tell her. Tonight, if possible, how’s that?”

  “Tonight?” I was surprised he didn’t need more time to prepare. “Wow, that’s fast.”

  “I’ve had ten days to think about how I’d approach her. I’m ready. And I don’t want to wait anymore. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, and I don’t want to wait, either.” We were quiet a minute. “Call me as soon as you can, OK?”

  “I will. Are you busy tomorrow?”

  I thought for a second. “No, it’s a vacation weekend, since Martin Luther King Day is Monday. I gave the kids the weekend for family.”

  “Good. I’ll call you in the morning, OK?”

  “OK. Goodnight.”

  “Night.”

  We hung up, and I tucked my knees under my chin, wrapping my arms around my legs. I was glad he hadn’t told me he loved me again, because I didn’t want to say it to him for the first time over the phone. If all went well, maybe I’d be able to say it to his face tomorrow. Closing my eyes, I said a quick prayer that the talk with Laura would go smoothly.