Deviation (Deviate Series)

by Morales, Dani

  Chapter 19

  I never thought it would be so hard to drive away from a place before. I knew it would be hard to leave Angel because I was the idiot who fell in love, but I didn’t know it was going to be like this. This raw, aching pain, and no matter what I do, it won’t stop. I know exactly what will numb it, but the question is; do I want to go back down that path? Do I want to deviate from the right path, the path I just go back to?

  That’s what we, humans, do. We constantly see other paths, and we think they’re better so we deviate. Deviation: constant changing, never ending, never standing still. It’s like the world, how it sits on an axis but rotates slowly enough for it to go unnoticed, that’s how we are, well at least how I am…or was. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I let Angel become my gravity, the force that held me in place despite the turning. Now with him gone, I feel like I can spin off into the universe and get lost among the stars.

  But I won’t do that. If I can take anything from him, the one thing that was true, it’s his belief that I’m better than that. I will try my hardest to stay true, even if it feels like a million knives are constantly being stabbed through my heart. I’m sure this room has seen its fair share of spilt blood. It looks like it. They can change the sheets, paint the walls, but it doesn’t hide the aura in this room. When I left Angel’s gorgeous house, my comfortable room, and clothes, I ended up here, a rundown motel that screams crack whore and drug dealer- R-us. But it’s what I can afford and it’s across from the cemetery where my family lies, far enough away from him that I don’t have to worry about running into him.

  It’s been two days, two long days without him. I still work with Martha at the coffee house, and the boys know I’m single now, so they try to get me to come out but the appeal isn’t there. Maybe in time I’ll be able to, but there’s too much temptation. My resolve isn’t strong enough right now to take chances. I’m off tomorrow, August 8, 2013, for my 22nd birthday. It’s a Thursday, but Martha knows what day it is so she gave me the next 3 days off. I’ve been staring at the popcorn ceiling debating on which flowers to lay on my family’s graves when I go to the cemetery tomorrow. It’s going to be the first time in 9 years that I’m going to go see them and I’m completely freaking out.

  I grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge, put it in my backpack, along with anything else I value, which isn’t much, jump on my bike and ride. I get on the loop and just keep going around and around until it’s dark out. The speed and adrenaline chase away any doubts I had about going. I need to go. I owe it to them, so on the way back to my room I stop at the Walmart and pick up 2 bundles of wild flowers and a dozen red roses. They were my mom’s favorite. Once I get to the room, I place them in the ice bin with some water to hold until the morning and sit in one of the chairs by the table.

  All the thoughts I have of picking up some pills from my neighbor are flashing through my mind. I could do that. Go take all of what he has, show up at the cemetery to apologize to them, and then take the pills. Overdose while I’m with them, maybe then it’ll work. Maybe then I can be with my family. So that’s exactly what I do. I take a hundred dollar bill out of my pocket, walk three doors down, knock twice and tell him to give me 100 bucks worth of whatever combination of pills will be sure to keep me from waking up. He hands me two baggies filled with all different types of pills and for the first time since I walked away from Angel, I smile.

  I wake up from my first night’s sleep, put the flowers in my backpack with the pills next to them, add a bottle of water, and finally a note. A note addressed to Angel, so when they find me they know who to give it to. I finally feel like this is the moment. The moment when I finally deviated from my path enough times that no more chances will be offered. I drive through the gates of Whisper Cemetery and the stillness that only comes with death beckons me. The fact that no one is here is perfect. I make a right down the first street, go past 3 other streets and make a left onto the 4th one. I follow it all the way to the end, to the back of the cemetery where my family has their plots. All of the Rogers are lined up. My mom and dad share a headstone, my sister’s is to the right, and then there’s an empty space on the left. My plot, the plot that will be filled shortly.

  I pull the flowers out and walk to my sister first. ”Lily, I’m so sorry. I wish I could have traded places with you. You were the one that was so full of life and I’m just wasting mine. I hope that you can forgive me one day. I love you and I’ll see you soon.” I place the flowers in front of the headstone. Lily Rogers is framed with angel wings; kissing my fingers, I touch them to her name.

  I sit down in front of my parents. I place the other set of wild flowers in front of my dad’s name and then put the roses in front of my mom. The tears flow freely now, no end in sight. I can’t speak to them like I did with Lily, but somehow I know they can hear me either way.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Pulling the pills out, I start chasing handfuls of them down with the bottle of water I brought with me. The contents of the first bag lies within my stomach and I’m getting ready to work on the second one when I hear a car door slam shut. It’s too late. I start rushing to take the rest of the pills before the person can get to me and just when I’m about to take the final handful with my last gulp of water, the pills are slapped out of my hand. But it’s too late already. I can feel their reaction striking mutiny within me. A fire is blazing its way through me, racing to reach my heart, when my body starts to get heavy. I drop the bottle of water and watch the clear liquid spill out and disappear into the ground. The letter I wrote to Angel is still clutched in the hand that was holding the baggie, but I’m not able to hold it anymore. As my body sinks to the ground and I look up into those blue eyes I fell in love with, my hand reaches toward his feet and I drop the letter there, and then close my eyes.

  I can feel him picking up the letter. The letter that said:

  Angel,

  Thank you for everything. Thank you for teaching me that I can love even when I thought I was incapable of it. But most importantly thank you for teaching me that I was worth it, even if it wasn’t good enough in the end. I don’t regret one moment we spent together. Each day was a new experience for me and I cherished all of it. The arguing, the cast, the kisses, the food fight, and the end. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I knew then like I knew before, we were only going to bring each other pain.

  If you see Elise tell her I said I’ll miss her and to change her life around, she deserves better. Be happy Angel, you were never more handsome then the times you smiled. But live life, don’t shut yourself out. You are truly magnificent, never forget that. And don’t forget that I love you. That was always the truth.

  Always yours, Nevaeh

  I can feel my body being shaken but my ability to care, and want to respond is absent. I don’t feel any pain. The heartbreak of losing my family, the heartbreak of losing Angel, I don’t feel any of it. I can hear him saying my name but it sounds like he’s far away. I feel a tear escape my eye and I feel him wipe it away. I hear him telling me to come back to him, telling me he’s sorry, and I can hear the sirens getting closer.

  You know that movie about vampires and how they all hear that chick’s heart stop beating? I swear it’s like that. I literally hear the last beat of my heart, the last exhale of breath leaving my body, and my body sinks into the ground. Dead weight. Then everything that surrounds me is gone.

  Chapter 20

  Angel

  I never thought I would be in this position again. When I saw Nevaeh the first time at that party, I knew there was something about her that was different. I knew she was strung out but I could see she had a purpose. She reminded me so much of myself that I intervened when her boyfriend tried to handle her. I saw it then, the same determination that just ran across her face as she swallowed the last bit of pills she was able to cram in her mouth before I reached her. And here I am, again, willing a higher power to spare her life. I’m to bl
ame for this one. I’m the reason she felt the need to leave this world yet again, but damn it if I’m not pissed at her for actually going through with it.

  I don’t know why I pushed her away. Maybe it was because she was finally giving into me. But that morning, three days ago, when we were supposed to meet my mom, I couldn’t go through with it. I knew my mom would love her once she got to know her. After all, she was the one I made the promise to. When it was me sitting in the hospital bed getting my stomach pumped from my attempted overdose, mom made me promise if I made it out alive that I would help the next person like me. This is why I stepped in front of the fist that was flying toward Nevaeh that night. It’s because I saw myself in her shoes, and if someone would have stepped in for me maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad. I kept my promise to my mom, I helped get Nevaeh back on the straight path, but I never counted on actually having feelings for her. That was my mistake. I should have known from the moment we locked eyes, she was going to be my undoing. So what did I do when I realized just how important she became to me? I pushed her away; I pushed her so hard and far that I didn’t know where to find her. I knew today was her birthday. I knew she planned to come see them for the first time; it was here that I was going to apologize. It was here that I was going to confess everything to her. How much I loved her, but I was too late.

  I can hear the sirens getting closer to us but I don’t move. All I do is cradle her in my arms and rock slightly. If no one knew, it would just look like I was holding her, but I know, and the EMTs know. Before I can argue with the EMTs, Nevaeh is being pulled out of my hands and loaded into the ambulance. I can see them shoving a tube down her throat and I wince because I’ve been there. I know how it’s going to leave her throat sore and raw. I can hear a machine making a sucking noise as I get closer to her. I can also hear the beating of her heart coming from one of the machines, but her eyes aren’t open yet. I need to see her eyes.

  The EMTs are shutting the doors and telling me to follow them to the hospital. I let one of the groundskeepers of the cemetery drive my car up to the front of the building and get on the bike to follow her to the hospital. She’s rushed through the ER and I’m told to wait in the waiting room. A few cups of coffee, a worn path in the linoleum floor, and a few hours later, the doctor comes out.

  “Angel?” he asks me, holding his hand out.

  “How is she?” I ask, at least that’s what I think I asked.

  “It’s a good thing the EMTs had that tube with them. They were able to suck most of the pills out. A few got into her system so we had to give her some activated charcoal to absorb the rest. She’s going to be unconscious for a few days until everything has worked its way out,” he says.

  “Thank god. Thank you, can I see her yet?”

  “She’s being put into a room now, once everything is good to go the nurse will come get you.”

  He turns and walks away. I sit back down in the chair and let out the huge breath I was holding. She’s okay, we’re going to be okay. Now I’m just going to have to beg that she’ll take me back.

  I feel like a complete jackass for turning my back on her to begin with. I was steady in convincing her to give me a chance and repeatedly told her I wasn’t going anywhere. But the first chance I got I broke that promise. How am I any better than them? They used and abused her, and so did I. Maybe not in the same sense that they did but I treated her like she was dismissible when I knew she was going to need me the most.

  It seems like an hour has passed but it’s only been twenty minutes. The nurse came out to get me and lead me back to the room. This has to be the last time I see her like this. I don’t know if I could take it again. She doesn’t belong in this room; she belongs at home with me. They told me to talk to her, that she can hear me, but what do I say? So I say what I know I wouldn’t have the courage to say otherwise. I tell her how sorry I am for letting her walk away. I tell her I’m sorry for pushing her and making her think that she was hiding something from me when I knew she wasn’t. I tell her how much I miss her and love her. I say everything that makes me lose the man card. I’m a complete girl right now and I don’t even care. If it brings her back to me so I can see the smile and sparkle in her eyes, I’ll gladly do it over and over again.

  Whipped. I’m so damn whipped and if it was anyone else I would gladly embarrass them. But I guess what they say is true, you never know what love can do to you until it happens to you.

  “Come on, beautiful, just open your eyes. Come back to me.” I say as I lay my head next to our hands.

  Chapter 21

  I try to swallow and panic. My hands come up to my mouth and I feel a tube. I try to pull it out when my hands get slapped away. My brows furrow and I want to open my eyes to see what I already know I’ll see, but I refuse. I managed to screw it up again. How can something as easy as death be so damn hard to accomplish? I have an annoying buzz in the back of my head and memories of hearing him say things while I couldn’t move or respond flood my mind. I even remember the doctor and nurse coming in to check on me, what I don’t get is why the damn tube is still in my mouth.

  Just then the nurse comes in and sees that my heart rate has picked up and comes over to me. When she touches my arm, my eyes open. She’s an older lady, you can tell by the marks of wisdom around her eyes and mouth as she smiles at me.

  “Just stay calm, dear, I’ll have the doctor come in and remove the tube. It’s not going to be pretty so I’ll grab some ice cream on my way back. Any preferences?”

  I look at her like she’s crazy. It’s not like I can speak, but just as I’m about to shake my head no, Angel answers her with, “Chocolate.” She smiles and walks out the door. I hear him get up and come to stand in front of me, but before he gets in my eyesight I squeeze my eyes closed. He makes a production of sighing and sitting back down. The doctor comes in, fills me in with a bunch of medical words that I don’t understand and then the tube is being pulled from my mouth and I wince from the extraction.

  I’m told I won’t be able to speak for a few days and to eat a lot of ice cream. I also hear among the chatter that I’m being released into Angel’s care. I can’t be left alone. It was either going along with this delusion of staying back with him or becoming a resident at the local psych ward. The choice was easy, especially since I can leave once we are home.

  I start building walls around my heart again. If I’m going to have to do this then I won’t let it happen again. I won’t let his eyes entrance me and I’ll keep my distance. Hell, I’ll even stay in the white room just to prove the point that I won’t be staying there for long.

  I spend the last night in this godforsaken bed, which reeks of sterilization and death. The only good thing is all the ice cream I get. Angel comes back into the room, even though it’s past visitation hours, and the nurse doesn’t tell him to leave or anything, instead they give him a blanket and pillow. She smiles at me and shuts the door.

  He keeps trying to get my attention but I won’t look at him, I try the T.V. but it has nothing on. I try to sleep but without no luck. Even though my heart is barricaded, locked up, and buried, my body responds to his. It’s singing, begging for him to touch it, and I fight it with everything in me. But I’m starting to lose the battle. My will is slowly coming undone and even though my eyes are squeezed shut, I feel them opening on their own. The chair they have in my room turns into a recliner and my eyes make their way up from his feet to his face. I can tell he’s uncomfortable by the way his body is cramped into the chair, but the moment my gaze reaches his, my heart lurches.

  His eyes are on me and the pain that I feel is mirrored in his eyes. No, Nevaeh. You won’t let him suck you back in. A tear escapes my eye and his close. Pain? Regret? Whatever it is that he is feeling is his own fault. I close my eyes while his are still closed and will myself to fall asleep. Just when I’m falling into darkness I hear him whisper, “I’m sorry.” Darkness pulls me under and for the moment I accept his apology.

  Ju
st as quickly as sleep overcame me, morning is waking me up. I open my eyes and see flowers all around the room. I see a pair of jeans and a tank, with my converse next to them, and smile. I know what he’s trying to do but I’m just thankful for my normal attire. Hospital gowns suck. I get cleared to take a shower after the IV is removed from my hand, and then get dressed. I’m checking out of the hospital. They let me take a bowl of ice cream with me since my throat still hurts. I can speak… some. I sound so feminine and shy because my voice is feather light.

  Angel’s parked in front of the door as the nurse helps me to the car with all my flowers, and he smiles at me. I smile back at him politely as I get into the car. The normal quiet that used to comfort me is charged with the unspoken words we both need to say but neither of us has any idea where to begin. The ten minutes in the car are extremely tense. I see my bike outside and the same happiness I felt when I lived here starts to make an appearance. As soon as the car stops, I’m out the door and running to the side gate. The backyard is my sanctuary, the one beautiful thing in a sea of ugly. I sit down and then lie back in the grass as the smell of the garden takes over all senses.

  I close my eyes and let the sun work its magic on me. I feel a cup being placed next to me and know its ice chips to soothe my throat. I smile and then hear him retreat back into the house. I’m treading on a thin line and I know it. But it’s going to take a lot from him to change my mind and give him another chance. At least I hope it does. However the emotions swirling in me say different. I know I’m on the precipice and it could go one of two ways… one, I can allow myself to fall into the unknown and hope for the best, or two, I can turn away and say to hell with him and let the love I feel fester until there’s nothing left of me.