So Now You're a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead (Humour)

by John Austin

  Head. Hey, zed head, without your melon, your body wouldn’t work. It’s packed with the precious infected brain matter that drives you. If your cranium experiences trauma, termination is probable, so be cautious! Just as important, your moan machine—the mouth—is the entry point for human flesh. Most heads are also graced with eyes, ears, and a nose. Lucky for you, the z-virus has enhanced these organs to aid in hunting and combat; see the next section for more details.

  Use Your Head!

  Zombies aren’t known for using their heads, but a zed noggin is actually a useful tool for registering stimuli during a human hunt. The z-virus infuses a zombie’s eyes, ears, and nose with extraordinary sensory abilities. By honing your enhanced sight, smell, and hearing and coordinating with other members of the horde (see “Body Language,” page 25), you can pinpoint the location of even the craftiest breather.

  Eyes

  Your rotten eyes don’t lie—there is no question your eyeballs are different from a human’s. Your eyes’ light receptors changed during zombification; while the cells responsible for detecting bright light remained virtually untouched, those responsible for working in low light, detecting motion, and providing basic visual information have become highly specialized. Consequently, what appears to be pitch black to a breather is still dimly lit to a zed.

  Besides amplifying light for hunting prey under the cover of darkness, your zombie eyes also provide you with improved peripheral vision. This is not the result of your modified light receptors but the side effect of dehydration, which has caused your eyeball to shorten. This shortening causes light rays to focus behind the retina. As a result, your eyes now see distant objects more clearly, while anything within a few inches of you is blurred. Unfortunately, this farsightedness affects all zeds when defending and attacking at close range.

  Through a combination of these changes, you may also experience an increase in remote vision. This will allow you to detect the smooth body motion of an uninfected human out of range of your other senses.

  What condition are your eyes in? Review the Zombie Eye Chart on the next page. The silhouettes on the top two lines—military, firefighters, police, ninjas, martial art experts, Chuck Norris, and loggers with chainsaws—should be avoided. On the next two lines are other humans who should be targeted—either because they are generally weaker or because their special skills could benefit the human resistance: the elderly and injured, children, medical staff, white-collar office workers, clowns, and farmers (humans need food, right?).

  ZOMBIE EYE CHART

  Of course, before the outbreak is over, even the trickier targets will have to be dealt with. But all their brains taste the same, so why not start with those who will put up less of a fight?

  Ears

  Don’t be alarmed that you cannot see your ears. They’re there, right on the sides of your head. Before reanimation, they were responsible for assessing the stupidity of other uninfected humans. The z-virus determined that prejudging others was not necessary in your post-life, so now your ears can only detect the basic sounds made by the living, not evaluate them.

  “The ear of the zombie must ring with the voices of the living.”

  -ZEDROW WILSON, 1800s

  Test results have shown that fresh zeds share the same auditory range as a human. In addition, though all humans have the biological capability to wiggle their ears, most breathers have not developed this talent. But here’s a surprise—drumroll, please—almost all zombies can! When you were zombified, the virus activated the underdeveloped muscles attached to your ears that make this shifting possible. Once stimulated, your ears are now capable of slight motion that can help determine the direction of noises.

  HEARING LOSS vs DECOMPOSITION

  However, you may lose all hearing ability during later stages of post-life. Eventually your ear canals (external auditory canals) will clog with decomposing tissue, blocking the inner ears’ ability to function. In addition, you may experience an increasing problem maintaining your balance. Hearing impairment from decomposition in the ear canals can sometime be cured with a quick dip in water, but damage to the inner ear cannot be undone.

  Nose

  On a hunt, your nose can capture the sweet fragrance of human flesh. Cleverly located between your eyes, but slightly lower, your zed sniffer is capable of not only smelling living prey up to a mile away but also determining its direction. This can be more difficult in an urban environment ; the abundance of odors is sometimes overwhelming.

  During decomposition, your nose fills with low levels of toxic mucus. When the living prey’s pheromones—found in their blood, sweat, and other secretions—come in contact with this mucus, your nose instantly registers it and triggers adrenaline-like neurotransmitters in your brain. Which direction your prey is located is then determined by which nasal receptors detect a change in contact levels. When the prey’s direction is pinpointed, you’re off and shambling toward it. (Sounds advanced, doesn’t it?)

  Excessive snot may seep into your mouth—which can lead to projectile vomiting, since your body will reject consuming anything other than flesh. Your nose will also experience bleeding after a full meal.

  SMELLING EFFICIENCY (TERRAIN)

  Sensory Deprivation

  Unfortunately, the humanoid body (living or zed) is equipped with only two eyes, two ears, and one nose. Most zeds eventually lose one or more of these organs through clumsiness, human resistance, or severe decomposition. (“Everyone freeze—my eyeball just popped out!”) Don’t be alarmed if you are missing one of your senses; you can still call on the senses of other zombies through communal hunting. By mobbing together, you not only increase your physical strength but also join up with recently reanimated, fresh zeds who are capable of locating humans more than a mile away.

  If attacking with a horde is impossible, sense-deprived zombies should consider “hide and wait” hunting techniques (see “Waiting for Food,” page 48).

  Body Language

  Article VIII of the Zombie Code strictly prohibits zombies from attempting to engage in coherent speech, under penalty of tongue removal (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). But are zombies even capable of talking? Verbal communication is very rare for a zed, because the z-virus damages the auditory center of the brain. If speech is possible, it’s usually slurred gibberish. Ever hear the phrase “Spray it, don’t say it”? Zombies coined that! Most of us are limited to moaning or screaming when alerted to danger or potential prey. Sorry to knock you off your pedestal, but most predatory animals use the same techniques to rally or warn their fellow hunters—including the brainy breathers.

  In situations that require more precise communication, your best bet is to resort to nonverbal techniques—flirtatious gestures, facial expressions, etc. Swinging your hips or turning your head in the direction of your quarry will send a directional message rippling through the horde.

  Whatʹs Your Body Type?

  Don’t worry, this isn’t a quiz! The undead come in all shapes and sizes, but whether dismembered or appendage-privileged, each zombie body can be stuffed into one of three basic categories. Once you determine your body type, exploit your strengths and avoid your weaknesses.

  Ectomorph (Bony): An ectomorph is a small and fragile zed with narrow shoulders and hips. Its body is lightly muscled but flexible, with a longer stride, and it is capable of unusual speeds (a.k.a. banshee speeds). Ectomorphs should eat human flesh frequently but in small amounts.Ideal Horde Duties: Tracking and hunting human flesh.

  Mesomorph (Shambler). This zed is considered lean and muscular, at least for a decomposing body. Its shoulders are usually wider than its hips, and it is typically stronger than zombies of the other two body types. However, mesomorphs have a tendency to overdo it, and often suffer muscle damage as a result.Ideal Horde Duties: Barricade smashing or human extraction.

  Endomorph (Boomer). An endomorph’s shape resembles an apple or pear, with a larger bottom than top. Sometimes called a hulk, it is both curvy an
d overweight, less agile, and sometimes slower than zombies of the other two body types. Endomorphs should monitor flesh consumption, as they have a higher risk of gastric explosion. Larger bodies also make larger targets. Tight squeezes can be problematic.Ideal Horde Duties: Bullet shielding and toxic landmine laying.

  Post-life Expectancy

  Unfortunately, reanimated bodies don’t shamble forever. How long you last depends on two things: the current condition of your corpse and your monthly flesh diet. Ultimately, natural decay will eat away at your body, eventually rendering your corpse incapable of movement before you finally dissolve into nothingness. Zombies take longer to decay than conventional cadavers, because the potent z-virus fends off bacteria and other organisms that cause decomposition. However, if you neglect to nourish the virus by feeding on uninfected flesh, you will disintegrate at a more traditional rate; a starving zombie’s “shamble span” is estimated at four to nine months. (Your results may vary.) On the other hand, if you regularly feed on the living to maintain your decomposing body (see “Human Buffet,” page 105), you could last for two years or more.

  ZOMBIE SURVIVAL

  Body Q&A

  Many flesh-craving zeds are quick to join the hunt before asking themselves some very important questions. We’ve picked the brains of fellow zombies and documented the most-moaned questions.

  Q: Do I need air?

  A: No. While a living human can only live approximately six minutes without air, a zombie is entirely oxygen independent. Its respiratory system, whether damaged or intact, is obsolete. Zeds can even survive in aquatic environments without risk of drowning, though prolonged exposure to water can increase decomposition. Of course, this also means you are safe from suffocation.

  Q: Am I vulnerable to anything?

  A: Yes: brain damage by cranial penetration, brain stem trauma, or decapitation will stop you in your tracks. If your head is damaged by fire, this can also lead to termination, though your complete cremation could take up to 40 minutes (see “The Flame,” page 92).

  Q: Am I allergic to anything?

  A: Yes. Human bodies that have been dead longer than 12 hours should not be consumed. This tainted flesh has no nutritional value and may cause stomach buildup and absorption blocking. Improper feeding can lead to blindness and other complications. Toe tags are a good indicator that your meal is spoiled.

  Q: Do controlled substances affect me?

  A: Most drugs, poisons, and gases have no effect on you, though under rare circumstances, intoxicated humans can cause disorientation (see “Intoxicated Humans,” page 11). You should avoid acid, which can quickly dissolve the flesh it contacts, though acid damage is generally highly localized.

  Q: Did the z-virus heal my human impairments?

  A: Possibly, depending on the damage. The virus will not regenerate missing body parts, but it does form new intercellular connections to reanimate your undead corpse. On rare occasions these connections will reactivate previously nonfunctional organs, curing blindness, deafness, or other infirmities left over from your human years.

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  KNOW YOUR ENEMY

  Who is your enemy?

  Simply put, your enemy is a warm body containing an uninfected human brain. The world is filled with more than 6 billion of them—that’s an astounding 135 million tons of gray matter, or 10.3 million fully loaded dump trucks! Unfortunately, humans refuse to simply load their brains into dump trucks for us to consume. Instead, even in the midst of a full-blown zombie outbreak, the breathers’ inquiring minds will continue to focus on their own selfish needs. In order to hunt them successfully, you’ll need to understand what those needs are and how they influence the behavior of your prey.

  Human Needs

  Breathers are quite capable of pigging out, just like you. A zed once witnessed a single human downing 80 chicken nuggets in five minutes. And while this is abnormal, a healthy mortal will need to digest roughly 2,500 calories of food a day—about 40 chicken nuggets—to maintain their fragile biological processes. That’s approximately 1.2 pounds of chow, about one-third the weight of an average adult human brain. Along with fast food, they also need water, shelter, and alcohol. These are the bare essentials a human requires to live long and prosper.

  But then some old guy named Maslow made a real mess of things by beefing up this list with a few “emotional” needs. They include a sense of belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization, whatever the hell that is. And while friendship and respect are not essential for our survival, according to Maslow they are a must for humanity.

  This baffling array of needs will eventually affect the sanity of all last-ditch defenders of the living. As they yearn for respect, friendship, or sexual intimacy—our money is on intimacy—they will neglect their more basic needs and their personal safety. By understanding this tendency, we can exploit humans’ weaknesses. The following insights expose how vulnerable the living truly are, not knowing that at any moment their civilization hangs by a vein.

  Hierarchy of Needs Maslowʹs pansy ass hierarchy of needs, with the more basic needs at the bottom.

  Humans Will Make Mistakes

  During past crises, both natural and zombie-made, humans have made costly miscalculations or become disoriented to the point of uselessness. The next zombie plague will be no different. Both physical and emotional needs will hamper their decision making and increase your feeding opportunities. What follows are some major mistakes your prey will likely make.

  Poorly Prepared

  Most humans approach the likelihood of a zed epidemic the same way they approach the possibility of a huge asteroid hitting the earth: they assume it just isn’t going to happen. Tell that to what became the Gulf of Mexico 60 million years ago! Even after reports of the walking dead start coming in, some humans will assume it’s a media hoax, not unlike the alien attack panic caused by Orson Welles in 1938. (Aliens? Yeah, right!)

  This skepticism has crippled their preparedness. As we’ve moaned before, humans need an ample amount of provisions to survive. They are very capable of this task; their homes are stockpiled with enough pornography to outlast an outbreak, but they can’t eat porn. In a single year, a human will need about 430 pounds of food and 170 pounds of water ... or 91 cases of beer. Except for screwball survivalists, how many humans do you think actually have this much stockpiled today? The answer is very few. No wonder humans cut and run once the party runs out of chips and salsa.

  Crawling out of their protective shelters, humans will be drawn to places such as Super Food City and Doug’s Donut World to find anything edible. Desperation can also lead to violence among remaining survivors; they might attack each other over Twinkies and Spam. These scenarios can produce wounded or hungry humans, slow-moving zombie food that you can quickly gobble up.

  However, do not assume that all mortals will be unprepared for a zombie uprising. Zed groupies and other secret “zombie awareness” groups are ready. However, none of these brainy bands have amassed numbers large enough to hinder a ziege.

  Insufficiently Protected Against Infection

  “Bless you!” is just a polite way to say, “Thanks for the z-virus!” Most breathers are sneezers who do not take necessary precautions during a viral outbreak. Mouths, noses, eyes, and wounds should all be covered, but they won’t be. Their careless behavior is our opportunity to recruit new members to our undead team (see “Infecting,” page 117).

  Humans who are already infected but who have not yet succumbed to death and reanimation will further our causes by continuing to interact with the general public. Some will use public transportation as they search for a cure or try to find family. While it’s pure carelessness on the part of the breathers, we welcome their assistance.

  Terrible with Weapons

  According to our undead sources, the human race hasn’t yet cloned Chuck Norris. (Phew!) Even luckier for us, only a small percentage of the living have even been trained to be mercenaries. Yes, weapon possession is high, but the
y mostly consist of cutlery knives and nontraceable handguns—“miniweapons,” you might say. Scrambling for protection, humans might use anything, from clubbed weapons to simple wooden boards.

  Unless they land a lucky blow to your head, most of these weapons will have no effect on your pain-impervious body. What’s more, such weapons require the attacker to be in close proximity, making them easy targets for vomit (see “Projectile Vomiting,” page 82). And many improvised weapons cause extensive blood splatter, increasing the risk of infection.