So Now You're a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead (Humour)

by John Austin

  For obvious reasons, the ideal role in this maneuver is to be the zombie in the back. Once you reach your victim, engage in biting combat. Results may vary with the number of human targets, ammunition supply, and firing accuracy.

  Flanking Zeds

  A swarm attack, better known as Flanking Zeds, is a tactical maneuver used by a horde during a frontal attack. In it, zeds attack their target from several directions. Swarming from different positions, they force their enemy to defend two or three sides at once, overwhelming him or her.

  Employing Flanking Zeds also reduces the maneuverability of the living and reduces the chance that a similar flanking tactic could be used against the horde. With both a physical and psychological advantage, victory is possible.

  The Zombie Shield

  With the Zombie Shield, you protect your own body by using another corpse to absorb bullets fired at you. Snatch up a lifeless “volunteer” and position him or her directly between you and the living human’s weapon. Hold tightly to your protective armor until you’ve closed the distance between you and the shooter. Once you’re within striking distance, throw the body at your prey while you lunge mouth-first at him or her.

  Zedcoy

  The Zedcoy maneuver is designed to distract the living while a hidden zombie party executes a surprise attack. The decoy zombie captures the attention of your target by screaming, vomiting, charging, or throwing something. While the zedcoy begins absorbing shots, a second group attacks from behind.

  This strategy may sound simple, but with all our random moaning and clumsiness, it’s unlikely that the second group will be able to approach the victim in complete silence. The louder and more threatening the zedcoy, the better. A fast zedcoy also increases the chances of success, as it reduces the shooter’s opportunity for successful head shots.

  Encircle

  Attacking from every direction simultaneously will overwhelm your victim with potential targets while reducing his or her maneuverability. Tactically, it sounds ideal, but with the human firing at random zeds, it could quickly turn into an unfriendly game of Russian Roulette. Ensure that the shooter is a poor shot before proceeding.

  This tactic has also been given the name Snack Attack, because with so many zombies, each attacker’s portion of human flesh will be small (see “The Zombie Code,” page 143). Everyone will have their dirty little fingers in your dirty little human pie.

  Aerial Fall

  Zombies away! An Aerial Fall will be completely unexpected by any mortal playing cowboy in the streets beneath a high-rise. In order to gain the tactical advantage of height, you will first have to master the obstacle of stairs (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59). Climb up a story or two (any higher and you risk a fatal fall), and wait until your victim is directly below you. Then quietly plummet to the ground and squash your prey.

  The impact should severely injure your target, or at least disorient him. After that, inject your teeth into your landing cushion.

  The Flame

  When humans play with fire, be prepared to be burned!

  Fire has always captured the attention of zeds on the prowl. We are mentally incapable of starting a fire of any kind (on purpose), so fire is usually associated with the presence of the living, who use it for cooking, heating, and illumination. Once humans get a fire burning, flickering flames or plumes of smoke can easily be spotted at great distances. Even if our vision is hampered by blocked sightlines or facial damage, our zombie noses can still smell the smoke. Once alerted, we can rarely resist advancing in the direction of the fire.

  Our infatuation can be problematic, though, as humans have been known to use fire as a weapon. True, flames can’t cause us pain, but does this mean that they have no effect on us? Sorry to say, but recorded attacks have proven they do; your brain can very easily be cooked. A dried-up, severely decomposed zed can be incinerated in just a few minutes, while a fresh zombie can last nearly half an hour before being reduced to ashes. But even if you outlast the flames, body parts that have been damaged stay damaged. What’s more, smoke is rarely a successful medium for spreading the z-virus.

  INCINERATION CHART

  Most humans will conserve flammable fuels during an outbreak, but they might spare some to incinerate a zombie when necessary. Commit the arson tools shown below to memory. If you observe one of them in the hands of a human, put into action one of the following fire strategies. Some of these strategies can also be used against corrosive acids.

  Drench March

  Most zombies are completely incapable of recognizing the smell of gasoline or other volatile fuels (diesel oil, kerosene, etc.), and the resistance knows it, those pyrohuman bastards! They have adopted two successful tactics to exploit this weakness. The first and more common is to pour a pool of flammable liquid on the ground, lure us into it, and set it ablaze from a distance. The second, generally used as a last-ditch option, is simply to throw the liquid at us and ignite us. If either of these things happens, you should keep moving toward your target. That’s why this tactic is known as the Drench March.

  Yes, your clothing will quickly catch fire and melt to your skin. But keep in mind that the only thing more lethal than you is you on fire! If you’re blazing, don’t hesitate—attack! You could very well spread the fire, hampering the defenses of the living. One of the best-recorded zombie fire attacks caused the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. Eventually the inferno destroyed four square miles of breather territory. Humans blamed the blaze on Mrs. OʹLearyʹs cow—how utterly ridiculous.

  Fire Composure

  Some fire will knock you on your ass! Military flamethrowers are capable of propelling a burst of flammable liquid over one hundred feet. These backpack models are currently out of service, though many are in the hands of private collectors.

  If you do encounter a flamethrower, the flames will likely burn your eyes, detrimentally affecting your vision. And even if the flamethrower misses you, the burst of illumination can still cause temporary blindness. It’s important to maintain your “fire composure.” Once ignited, keep your balance and continue in the direction you last saw your target.

  Molotov Bypass

  During a battle, you’ll experience all types of homemade fire grenades. The most common is the Molotov cocktail. Made out of a glass bottle filled with flammable fuels and a cloth wick, it explodes into flames on impact.

  The Molotov Bypass is the study of a burning missile’s trajectory. While the device is in the air, you estimate its point of impact and shuffle away from the surrounding area.

  In truth, this is not a good strategy. You really shouldn’t alter your course of attack. Any human who is capable of hitting you with a bottle is already in eatable distance. Flaming or not, shamble on. Make your junior anarchist reconsider his or her profession.

  Hand-to-Mouth Combat

  Advanced though they are, firearms and flame weapons still have their problems. Supplies of ammunition and fuel will run out during an extended zombie uprising, forcing the living to resort to the melee weapons of the past.

  Ancient breathers developed the spear around 400,000 years ago. It was very popular and effective against animal targets, but it proved useless against the ancient zombie. So humans developed more sophisticated weapons designed to decapitate the undead, such as the ax and the sword. Eventually, however, they realized that attacking at a distance was the best way to avoid accidental infection. So around 1300 A.D., the brains-at-arms developed the firearm. This new weapon made the battle-ax and sword obsolete. The ax evolved into a tool. The sword’s fate was much grimmer; today it is sold as decorative art on TV shopping networks.

  If a desperate human pulls one of these melee weapons out of retirement, you have little to worry about. Most of them are relatively harmless to you, with a low chance of inflicting cranial injury. They are all designed for close combat, which means you’ll be within arm’s reach of your meal before you’re in any danger. Once in close proximity, resort to biting, scratching, and spit
ting to slow and subdue your target. In the end, all such confrontations will eventually lead to hand-to-mouth combat.

  Review the melee weapons in the chart on the next page. If your target is holding onto one of these objects, use the following attack strategies to prevail in the final struggle.

  Erratic Attack

  In the Erratic Attack, also known as the Zombie Gait, you move with inconsistent motion toward your attacker, keeping your head slightly tilted. With a lowered head and unpredictable motion, you will decrease your adversary’s targeting accuracy. Flailing your arms can also improve this defensive strategy.

  If the target still manages to land a blow to your head but it’s not strong enough to crush your skull or decapitate you, proceed. Always proceed!

  Chopping Block

  It is not impossible to defend against a sword. When you approach within a corpse’s length of your prey, fall headfirst into your target’s knees or thighs. This will greatly disrupt his or her sword-swinging form, making a clean decapitation difficult. Before the human can readjust or execute a second swing, clench and maul his or her leg.

  If you forget to execute the Chopping Block maneuver, all is not lost. Most swords are incapable of cutting bones. Even if your flesh is cut, you can survive partial decapitation if the brain stem remains intact.

  Forearm Shield

  If you position your arms in front of your face, you will shield your unprotected neck from sharp-edged weapons. The Forearm Shield can result in lost appendages, but it’s a small price to pay to avoid decapitation. Take the hit and proceed.

  Expect additional damage to your center of mass or lower extremities, both of which might slow you down. Edged weapons that impale your flesh are likely to stay lodged in your body for extended periods of time. Significant protruding handles and arrows can snag on objects and increase body damage. Shamble with care.

  Ghoul Reach

  Borrowed from our supernatural siblings the mummies, the Ghoul Reach has been used successfully for thousands of years. By extending your arms in front of your body, you decrease your opponent’s access to your neck or head.

  Once your arms are extended, use your hands to claw, scratch, or latch onto your victim. For unknown reasons, the Ghoul Reach tends to increase moaning.

  Combat Quiz

  1. Someone just stabbed a knife in my back. I should ...

  a. Seek medical attention immediately!

  b. Get over it, and continue with what I am doing.

  c. Fall down to ease the pain.

  d. Have a fellow Zed remove it.

  2. Someone just set me on fire. What should I do?

  a. Retreat back into the zombie mob.

  b. Search for water.

  c. Continue attacking.

  d. Extinguish it with flammable fuel.

  3. I’m being shot at, but they can’t hit squat. I should ...

  a. Use the Zombie Shield technique.

  b. Implement the Ghoul Reach.

  c. Retreat.

  d. Defecate in my pants.

  4. He’s holding a katana sword!

  a. Do not engage and look for an exit strategy!

  b. Play dead.

  c. Execute the Chopping Block on that mofo.

  d. Look for your own sword or appendage to duel.

  5. Melee weapon include ...

  a. Pickaxes.

  b. Metal pipes.

  c. Machetes.

  d. All the above.

  6. I’ve encountered many humans with multiple weapons. should . .

  a. Seek reinforcements.

  b. Surrender by waving a white cloth.

  c. Not be intimidated, and attack.

  d. Run and hide.

  7

  HUMAN BUFFET

  You’ve hunted and subdued a human target, and now comes the main event—it’s feeding time!

  As mentioned earlier, your hunger for living flesh is more than an unquenchable craving. It’s a biological necessity. Contrary to popular human belief, the undead body still relies on the food in its digestive tract to function. But instead of using specialized organs to extract energy and nutrients, the tract now acts as a holding cavity. As flesh passes through the tract, the z-virus absorbs the acids of some of the 10 trillion cells found in the living body. This creates the energy the virus needs to stave off decomposition (see “Post-life Expectancy,” page 28).

  Because a zed that stops feeding will slowly starve to complete decomposition, and because living food is often difficult to obtain, the z-virus must encourage its host to hunt relentlessly to ensure its own survival. During the reanimation process, your brain underwent mutation. The virus modified the region of the brain that regulates feeding so that it constantly stimulates the body’s hunger signals. The result is that you’re always hungry for ... well, you know the rest.

  The Preferable Flesh

  Zeds are capable of consuming a wide variety of live flesh, no matter what the size, species, or hairball risk. But although you can make do eating other animals during down time, for maximum nutritional value we encourage you to feed on the number one zombie delicacy: fresh human brain tissue, pinkish on the outside and white on the inside.

  So, what’s so special about the human brain? It’s filled with billions of highly specialized sensory cells brimming with electrochemical pulses. When consumed, these particular cells create an intense concentration of biological energy, significantly reducing your monthly flesh requirements. A few bites of brain and you’ll suddenly feel what is called a medulla rush, an adrenaline burst that increases your mobility.

  How to Use the Pyramid The recommended number of servings for each food group for a functional adult zombie per month (30 nights).

  This zombie food pyramid suggests the number of servings of brain and other human meat you should consume per month for optimal nutrition. The chart is based on the average-sized human; if dining on children, adjust quantities accordingly.

  Your life expectancy will greatly increase as your energy intake from human flesh increases. However, gorging can lead to a ruptured stomach, so it is important that you eat responsibly. In addition, rotten meat and aged blood can prove fatal. Bodies that have been dead longer than 12 hours should generally not be consumed. Higher and lower temperatures may decrease or increase this timeframe; use your zombie senses to make a final determination of freshness (see “Rotten Is a No-No,” page 112).

  Brain Group

  You haven’t really “died” until you’ve tried human brain! Even though it only accounts for 2 percent of your victim’s body weight, it represents the most important group on the Zombie Food Pyramid. Recommended monthly consumption of gray matter is approximately 3 pounds, or half a brain per sitting. Note that the upper spine is also considered part of the Brain Group.

  The brain of your victim will be protected by the skull. However, once you remove his or her lower jaw, it can easily be accessed. As stated earlier, eating a brain will give you a medulla rush, increasing your mobility with a burst of adrenaline. For up to 24 hours after consuming brain, zombies are capable of running and jumping, which will improve their hunting and attacking skills.

  Internal Organ Group

  The heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, intestines, and other organs in the chest and abdomen are all suitable for eating. However, unlike organs in the Brain Group, your monthly intake should be 8-10 pounds, or roughly 144 ounces. That’s a couple lungs, a few hearts, and a liver or two. So depending on the number of zombies in your horde, you will need multiple bodies to fulfill your internal organ requirement. Alternatively, feedings from this group can be replaced with additional servings from the Brain or Blood Groups.

  Most of the gooey goodies in the Internal Organ Group are protected by your victim’s rib cage. Though it is not difficult to break the rib cage, you can just as easily reach under the ribs and extract the organs by hand.

  Blood Group

  It is essential to keep your body hydrated in order to absorb much-ne
eded energy from uninfected flesh. Human blood is an excellent source of hydration.

  Unlike vampires, who are obsessed with sucking, you can consume blood simply by eating flesh—the living human body uses blood to transport nutrients and oxygen to every cell in the body. Full-sized adults contain an average of 5.3 quarts of blood, making up roughly 7 percent of their body weight. This represents about two-thirds of your recommended monthly allowance. However, it’s virtually impossible to extract that amount of blood from a single human in one sitting.