The last thing I want to say to you is to value yourself more and have faith that things will work out. I know this is hard and you feel so lost and confused, like you’re just spinning around aimlessly in this crazy world, but trust me: things are going to be amazing. Crazy things will happen in your life that you just won’t even believe. You really don’t need to worry at all. All you need to do is have strong faith in God and yourself, bravely put yourself out there, and fight for the things you believe in (because sometimes it will be a fight).
Never, ever, ever try to change who you genuinely are to be like someone else. You have these unique qualities for a reason. Please start to develop and embrace them now. You won’t regret it. You’re in for a crazy ride, so buckle up, lady. Oh, and stop thinking you need to be “quiet” as you embrace your personality more. You will never be quiet—so stop trying!
Love,
Christina
Katherine
Dear little Kath,
Thinking of you at thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen, I feel so sad. I see a girl who is deeply insecure and afraid. I see a girl who is desperately trying to get attention from guys and approval from girls, and who fears that something is very wrong with her, and that’s why it seems her friends are hypercritical of her and “no boys” are interested in her. For some reason, your world will start revolving around the opinions of others, and you will begin to base a fragile and flimsy sense of self-worth on how your friends and the people around you—especially boys—react to you that day.
It will always be fluctuating up and down, and you will constantly feel on edge, confused, and numb—so full of fear and anxiety that you become out of touch with your emotions and who you truly are. You will start to feel desolate and lost, like you are floating and not really alive.
At around age fourteen, you will have a very negative breakthrough moment—you will decide to become the ultimate people pleaser, and you will also completely close yourself off to boys and not even try to talk to them ever, out of fear of rejection.
When I think of you at ages sixteen and seventeen, I feel this huge rush of being proud of you and excited for you. Somehow you managed to kick being obsessive about hating how you looked and thinking you were ugly and unlovable. Somehow you managed to walk away from unhealthy, toxic friends who kept you enmeshed in gossip, criticism, manipulation, and controlling behavior for years.
You will begin to find yourself and love that person. Something tightly wound in you will begin to unravel as you slowly fall a little bit in love with the tall, quirky girl in the mirror. It will look like playing bass at night on the front door step and walking down to the library to stuff your backpack with books to read. You will become highly opinionated about the things you care about and develop a sense of compassion and a thirst for healing and love in the world.
God will be the biggest part of your journey as you encounter Him through prayers that make you shiver and weep with joy and pleasure. You will find in your relationship with Him an unshakable foundation and a safe resting place that nothing on earth compares to.
At age seventeen, God will open up your heart again to a very precious gift He gave you as a kid—your love of writing. Your first major heartbreak and many family problems will bring you back to pen and paper. Before you know it, you will be up late almost every night, pouring out years of bottled emotions and tangled thoughts onto stacks of paper you will hide under your bed in a big, pink box.
I want to tell you—please stop worrying about everything all the time. It’s all going to work out. Your twenties are going to be AMAZING. God is going to send you some of the most loyal, true friends, and spending time with them will make you almost cry with gratitude. If you had never gone through all those middle and high school friend problems, you would never appreciate what is coming next. As for boys, the moment you stop worrying and obsessing and freaking out and just relax and, most important, start loving yourself a teeny bit, it’s going to open you up to a flood of boys who will come into your life wanting to date you.
The ironic thing is, you won’t receive any validation from them until after you’ve already started validating yourself.
Kath, enjoy this time. Being a teenager is hard and scary, but it’s also magical and exciting. You’re going to experience romance that will take your breath away—all after deciding to save your first kiss for your wedding day. People will tell you that you are crazy and that it won’t work, but don’t worry—it will. Things are going to be hard, and there will be a lot of disappointment in the romance department, but there will also be many moments that feel like you are in a movie, and you will say in your head many times over, WHAT IS MY LIFE!!! (In a good way!)
You are beautiful and precious, little teenage Kath! You are goofy and quirky and silly, and you make people laugh a lot. You are super sensitive, and one day you will learn to embrace it and see it as a superpower rather than a burden. You are so fun and caring, and people fall in love with the person you are. You don’t have to keep trying to be everything to everyone. Just be authentic, and you will be so much happier.
I love you so much! You can do this. Don’t give up hope—just start writing, and turn your life over to God.
Love,
Your Twenty-Seven-Year-Old Self
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
You’re older now. It’s the future, and you’re twenty-six. Well, we are twenty-six. We made it! FYI, you’re doing really well. You’re totally chill with your body—no more hate crimes forcing yourself to run in the rain as a punishment for eating an extra bowl of cereal. You finally dated someone! Two someones, in fact! And they were both wrong for you, but they had good personalities that you enjoyed, and you learned a lot from both experiences. It was totally worth it. So you can also stop stressing about dying alone, cuz you’re definitely gonna meet people pretty soon.
Chill out, girlfriend! And lighten up! Stop being so hard on yourself. That’s a recurring piece of advice you’re gonna receive throughout your late teens and early twenties, and it’s gonna make you tear up cuz it hits you the hardest out of all the things people tell you. You really are waaaaay too critical, but luckily, when you’re seventeen, you’ll discover a way to use that power for good.
You’ll learn you’re so critical because you’re able to see every detail in people, places, and things. While you can find something flawed about literally anything, you can also find something positive about literally anything because you notice so many details. Definitely not a negative trait!
Anyway, you’re a great person. Stop thinking you’re bad; it’s a bogus belief that’s weighing you down. You’re good. You’re full of light, and you deserve to be happy and accomplish things. Everything is gonna be fine, okay? Also, go to bed earlier. Nothing good happens after midnight. You make a lot of bad choices late at night, and you would benefit a whole lot more from a good night’s sleep.
Also, you’re moving to Tennessee in 2015! Whoa! Curveball! Your lifelong dream of living in the South is finally coming true! It turns out really well, so don’t freak out. It’s a big change, but it’s worth it. Oh, and spoiler alert: you grow your hair out really long for six years, and it’s your pride and joy, and then this guy makes you really mad and you cut it all off, but IT’S REALLY LIT AND EPIC AND A GOOD CHOICE. The long hair is gorgeous, but you get bored with it, and it plays itself out. The short hair is fresh and baller. Anyway, chin up, kid—everything’s fine. It’s just life; it doesn’t have to be perfect. You’re gonna do great!
Love,
Lisa
Amy
Dear Amy,
First of all, you deserve to actually be accepted. You deserve so much more than you accept from people. You deserve to be happy. You also deserve to believe in yourself. You have so much potential, Amy. You are allowed to like yourself. Self-love is not bad. You actually are beautiful and need to stop telling yourself you are not.
Stop hating on your body, kid. It deserves to be t
reated with respect. Amy, you don’t need to be scared of opening up to people. They will love you because of your flaws, not despite them! You are worth so much, honey! I know you feel isolated and depressed, but that doesn’t define you! You are allowed to want things. You are allowed to respect yourself. Don’t let anyone take your joy or confidence away from you!
Your personality is a gift! Not a liability. Being loud is not a bad thing. Having a lot to say isn’t a bad thing. Be honest with yourself. Only deal in facts and reality. You deserve to love yourself, and every moment of your life you deserve to breathe in all of the beauty around you. You deserve joy and happiness. Don’t let pain bring you down. Don’t fear it. It is one of your greatest allies! Pain brings you closer to happiness than anything else. It is in those moments when we feel pain that we realize our equal ability to feel joy. Welcome them joyfully into your life as an opportunity to grow and become stronger.
You have so much to give! Never think otherwise. And when you feel like the best part of the day is sleeping, remember that there’s so much more out there. When you feel so isolated that you can’t imagine ever feeling connected again, remember that connection is around the corner. You only live in someone’s shadow if you put yourself in it! You are the brightest star that shines in your galaxy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Also, it doesn’t matter what people say or think about you. Keep caring deeply about everyone and everything that you do, Amy—it’s one of your greatest assets and strengths. You have the ability to love, and that’s the most important thing. No one can ever take that away from you. Forgive freely, Amy. Forgive freely. Learn how to trust people and God.
Also, stop letting boys jerk you around! You deserve so much more than what you settle for; remember that. Everything is going to work out the way God intends. You are allowed to love yourself. You are allowed to love your life. Be courageous, and never give up, honey. That’s all you can ever ask of yourself! Good luck, kid; you are gonna make it.
Love,
Amy
Lauren
To the fifteen-year-old me:
First and foremost, calm down. Stop worrying about everything. Everything is going exactly the way it’s supposed to. Stressing about it is so unnecessary. You’re just wasting your time when you could be enjoying things! Second, stop being so scared of everything! People will like you. They really will. You’re not weird or dumb or incapable of conversing. You’re cool and people like you—so stop being scared to put yourself out there.
Say what you’re thinking; say what you’re feeling; say whatever the heck you want to say! Do the things you wanna do. Stop spending all your time in your room. Go out and find some friends (it is possible), and go do fun things with them. You are in control of your life, and you can do things if you want to. Stop letting everyone else dictate your decisions, and do what you want to do and what you know is right.
Get close with people. Especially your family. Stop avoiding everyone, and stop being mad. Be nice and loving to people, and you will get niceness and love right back! People aren’t all horrible; there are a lot of cool people in the world you will connect with, so don’t get discouraged.
If a guy wants to talk to you, he will. If he hasn’t talked to you for the last six months, he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, and that’s not gonna change. Stop holding on to him, and let him go. He’s not worth it, he’s not that special, and you’ll find a lot of guys who treat you way better than he did. Stop chasing boys; let them chase you. Stop basing your self-worth on how guys treat you or how many of them like you/don’t like you. Just because they don’t see how cool you are does not mean you’re not cool!
Soon you will see: boys do like you. This is just a weird time. But enjoy it because soon you will be very overwhelmed by the number of boys talking to you. Focus on yourself. Treat yourself right. Stop eating so much junk food, and please, please exercise. You deserve to thrive and be happy, so start doing it. Stop trying to please everyone, and start living the life you want to live! Make goals, and stick with them. Learn things, experience things, get out of your cave, and go live!
Love,
Lauren
Dani
A letter to the girl I used to be:
The first thing nobody told you is that it’s okay to cry. I know that right now it feels like crying will make you weak, but the simple truth is that it will make you better.
I know it’s going to take a long time for you to get to a place where tears are comfortable, but that day when you go to the beach with your older sister and that Blink-182 song comes on that finally makes you cry will be the best day of your life. It may seem like you just lost someone, but the death of the girl who hid from her emotions is the first day of the rest of your life.
Please stop letting that boy treat you badly. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting, and he really isn’t worth it. Half-hearted smiles and apathetic words are nothing compared to what your future holds. It may feel like he’s the only one who wants you ’cause he’s the first boy to give you a second look, but if you hold on just a little bit longer, you’ll find someone who will do something worthy of the pain you’re in now.
You will experience euphoria and desolation, pure joy and nothing but pain. You will meet a boy who will set your soul on fire and burn you till you’re just ashes. He will break your heart and make you watch him do it. He will be your first real heartbreak.
While we’re talking about boys, don’t be so scared. I know you think you’ll regret getting hurt, but the only thing you will ever regret is not living enough to even get hurt. Putting yourself out there is the best thing you’ll do for yourself. However, thank you for being careful and not getting into a relationship with that one boy, because you knew how bad the hurt from him not wanting you would’ve multiplied if you’d let him be your first relationship.
Keep your friends close, and forgive your enemies. I promise you, holding on to your anger toward that person is not going to make you feel better. I know you love holding grudges, but you’re forming a bad habit that will cost you in a couple years.
Also, your time in this place is limited. I’m sure it feels like you’re stuck there forever, but you’ll be gone sooner than you think. One day, shortly before your fifteenth birthday, you’ll wake up, and you’ll be two thousand miles away from your old home, wishing you’d spent more time with the ones you left behind.
Thank you so much for standing up for yourself. I know there are moments when you’re scared to, but you do it anyway, and those are my favorite moments. I’m so grateful that you finally learned how to love yourself, because without that love, you’d have so many more bruises caused by the belief that you deserve disrespect.
Confidence is the most powerful tool you’ll ever pick up, so don’t be scared of the day you do. Your personality is absolutely incredible, and if you don’t believe it now, you will soon.
Trust in God more, please. He is always with you, and I wish you knew that. I love you.
Dani
CONCLUSION
WE BELIEVE IN YOU
WE ARE SO HONORED AND thankful we got to connect with you through this book! We believe it’s no accident that it is in your hands, and that it found its way there for a reason. Here are a few more things to take with you as you go—but most of all we hope we’ve given you some tools to believe in you.
Katherine
As this book comes to an end, I want you to ask yourself, Who are the “big sisters” in your real life, blood-related or not? I love talking to my mom, sisters, and friends about my life and asking for their advice and insight. I also have several older women mentors I talk to as well. Big sisters are out there, and I am so glad I’ve found some of my own! My friend Sandy is a couple decades older than me, and she’s such a loving and strong woman. She and I talk on the phone regularly, and she always says, “I love you, honey, and I’m so proud of the woman you are becoming.” I feel so encouraged every time I h
ear her say that. Sometimes, depending on how hard life is, I cry when I hear those words.
I highly encourage you to find your “big sisters.” It will improve your life so much to hear stories and insights from women who are a little farther along in life and can tell you what they did in situations similar to yours.
Dani
Growing up, I really didn’t feel comfortable asking for advice on the things we talked about in this book. I desperately needed a source to go to when I was confused, and this book is everything I would’ve wanted. I hope that after reading this, you remember that you deserve to take care of yourself, make good decisions, and form your own opinions about the world and how you want to live in it.
Don’t just take our advice and try to turn yourself into one of us. Be your true, authentic self. We’re just here to give you a little bit of help, because the answers are inside of you already. I encourage you to be the person you were born to be, because there is absolutely nobody else on earth who is like you, and that is never going to change.
Christina
I take the title of “big sister” so seriously. Since I was a kid, I knew the fact that my sisters were following me, copying me, saying what I said, doing what I did, and believing things just because I told them they were true was something I never should take for granted.
As you go out there and live your life, realize that when you lead, people will follow. We are all called to be leaders in one way or another. You may not see yourself as a leader, but you have what it takes to be one in your own way. We all do. Life is messy sometimes, but if you have good intentions, always be honest, apologize when you’re wrong, admit when you don’t know the answer, and learn from your mistakes. Like every flower on its journey from a tiny little bud to a flower, you will bloom in your own beautiful way.
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