Fixed on You

by Paige, Laurelin

  I believed it. She felt comfortable around him, and he didn’t even flinch when she’d called him an oaf. It made my stomach wrench unexplainably. Then, when I wondered if they’d had sex, a sharp stabbing began in my chest. I didn’t need to flick the elastic band, already associating the thought with pain, but I did anyway since my hands were finally free under the table to do so.

  Hudson sighed. “What do you want, Ceeley?”

  Someone Hudson actually called by a nickname? The stabbing deepened.

  “I wanted to personally thank Alayna for this whole charade.”

  So, she really did know. Which really put me at a disadvantage since I knew almost nothing about her.

  Celia leaned into me as if confiding a secret, but loud enough that Hudson could still hear her. “You can’t know how dreadful the idea of marrying that pain in the ass has been.” A teasing grin appeared on her lips.

  “Um, I can imagine.” The stabby pains in my chest made me want to stab Hudson, too. “He’s not the settling down type.”

  Hudson removed his hand from my leg, and I instantly regretted my words, even though they hadn’t been that mean, had they?

  Celia giggled. “Wow. You already know him so well.” She giggled again.

  Ugh, she was a giggler. I wanted to puke. Or hate her. But something about her also drew me in. “It’s nice to talk to someone else who knows.”

  “But isn’t Hudson amazingly good at pretending?” She narrowed her eyes at him, and I caught the daggers he shot her in return.

  “He is.” I thought about our time together, the touches, the kisses in public. Some of them had been confusing, and I had blamed that on my own tendencies to create more when there wasn’t more. But maybe it hadn’t been my overactive imagination. “Quite good.”

  “I’d love to continue this wonderfully entertaining conversation, but I see someone I need to talk some business with.” Hudson stood and reached his hand out for me. “Alayna?”

  I had the strange feeling he didn’t want to leave me alone with his almost-but-not-really-fiancé. The last time I’d felt that way, I’d received rather interesting tidbits of info from his little sis. “Go ahead, H. I’ll hang with Celia.”

  “We’ll be fine,” Celia assured him. “And we’ll end our conversation with a pretend catfight if you want to up the charade.”

  Hudson’s jaw tightened. “No catfight. In my script, you’re friendly toward each other.”

  “Then she and I should sit and chat, since we’re supposed to be friends.” Celia winked at me. “Right, Alayna?”

  “Right.” I winked back. I couldn’t help it. She was sort of adorable. “And since we’re friends, you should call me Laynie.”

  “Friendly, not friends.” He took a deep breath, but his voice was still tight when he spoke again. “Fine. I’ll be back shortly.”

  I watched him stroll off, the tight muscles of his butt hidden by his jacket, but his backside attractive all the same. Suddenly, I remembered I had a witness to my ogling, and I turned my attention back to Celia only to find she was ogling as well. Plus she had the adoration look that I’d spotted in the pics of her with him.

  “You like him,” I said before I could help it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

  She shrugged then cocked a brow. “Seriously? I’m probably your one opportunity to get any real information about Hudson and his life and that’s what you want to know?”

  I laughed. “You’re right, I’d like some info.” The list of questions I could attack Celia with was so long I didn’t know where to begin. Since I wasn’t sure how much time we had, I needed to make it good. “Okay, Mira seemed to think I should be jealous of you. Should I be? I mean, should I be pretending I am?”

  Celia pursed her perfectly plump lips. “Well, isn’t that a clever way to ask the same question? No. Hudson and I have never been anything but friends. If he were a boyfriend who spilled his guts to his girlfriend, he’d tell you that I liked him, but that he’s never felt anything for me but friendship. So unless you’re the shallow type who’s jealous of all girls her guy’s friends with, then don’t play jealous.”

  I was a bit shallow like that, and definitely the jealous type when in the throes of obsession. But I was playing a part, so why not make my character void of my own imperfections? “No jealousy then. What about his family? Is he close to them or is he as withdrawn with them as with everyone? I can’t quite tell.”

  “He loves them all, deeply. As deeply as Hudson can love anyone, I mean. But it takes quite a lot of perception to get that.” She leaned back in her chair and eyed me. “I think someone he was in love with would know that.”

  I nodded, taking it in. Then I dove into the question that had plagued me since I’d first heard about his predicament. “Why doesn’t Hudson’s mother believe that he’d be in love? Other than that she’s a cold-hearted bitch herself.” This elicited a grin from Celia. “Has he never dated anyone before?”

  “Sort of. I mean, he’s dated women. Not women he ever brought to meet his mother, but, yeah he dated.”

  The stabbing pain returned. Simultaneously, I noted a flash of agony darken Celia’s bright face. It occurred to me that this conversation must be even more difficult for her, considering she actually had feelings for the guy and I had…well, not feelings, but something.

  “You know, date is not the right word. He’d sleep with them. And then he’d mess with them. It got him in all sorts of trouble. More than once.”

  I stilled. “What do you mean messed with them?”

  “I shouldn’t tell you. He doesn’t want you to know. But I really think you should. Otherwise you might be caught off guard if Sophia says something.”

  My voice was a whisper. “How did he mess with them?”

  She sighed. “It’s hard to explain. Like, he’d say he only wanted to be friends or friends with benefits, but then he’d manipulate them in that way of his, you know, how he always gets what he wants?”

  Boy, did I. I could only manage to nod.

  “He’d manipulate these women into falling in love with him. Which isn’t really hard, I mean, he is Hudson. But he’d really play them. Lead them on, get them really hooked on him. It was like a game for him—one of the crappy things spoiled rich kids do just because they can.” She paused. “I can say that because I love Hudson dearly. Also, I’m a spoiled rich kid, too.”

  The world felt like it had fallen out from underneath me. Was that what Hudson was doing with me? My throat felt tight. “Does he, um, still do that?”

  “I honestly don’t know. He’s had a ton of therapy so I’d like to say he’s ‘better’ now, but who knows? Of course, because of it, his mother got the idea that if he married someone like me, I could keep him in line. And my parents want me married to the Pierce name and bank account—they’re disgustingly greedy. But I could never deal with those head trips—even though I am very fond of him. And I’d love to get in that beautiful man’s pants. Can you imagine how gorgeous our children would be? Sigh.”

  She said the word sigh instead of actually sighing. That was what I clung to from her monologue because I didn’t want to think about the rest. Therapy helped people—it did, I couldn’t deny it—but I had doubts that it had fixed me. And knowing what I knew about patterns of past behavior, I recognized that Hudson should not be having just sex with anyone if he were seriously “better.”

  Exactly like I shouldn’t be in an emotionless relationship if I were “better” since a lack of affection from a person I desired was one of my triggers.

  I put a hand on my knees under the table to stop their knocking. I had to get out of there.

  Celia continued, unaware of my torment. “But this plan of Hudson’s is brilliant. As soon as Sophia relaxes enough to believe he’s fallen for you, she’s going to be ecstatic. She wants him to be normal. She wants him to be happy and in love. I want him to be happy and in love. Too bad it’s not real.”

  Yeah, too bad.

  She
frowned, concern etched in her brow. “Are you okay? You seem really pale.”

  No, I wasn’t fucking okay! I’d just been informed that the man I shouldn’t have been fucking in the first place was probably trying to fuck with my head as well as my body. “I’m not feeling well all of a sudden.” Not a lie. I seriously thought I might throw up. “Excuse me, I have to…” I couldn’t think of any excuse to leave. I only knew I had to…“Go.”

  I snaked quickly through the crowd toward the doors, pushing my way into the packed lobby. The show was starting in fifteen minutes and I was going against traffic. I ducked and headed for a different door when I saw Sophia by the bar, hoping she didn’t see me. Not because I cared anymore about Hudson’s stupid scam but because I didn’t want to deal with her.

  Focusing on avoiding Sophia, however, made me completely miss that I was walking right past Hudson.

  “Where are you going?” He reached a gentle arm out to stop me, and familiar tingles shot straight to my womb.

  Accompanying the tingles, my stomach churned in disgust. I threw his arm off mine. “Don’t touch me!”

  Hudson’s brow knit in confusion. “Whoa.” He put his hands out in front of him, showing he wouldn’t touch me but blocking my route of escape. “What’s wrong with you?”

  I scanned the lobby for a way to sneak past. “What’s wrong with you would be the more appropriate question.”

  “Alayna.” He stepped toward me, his voice low and stern. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re making a scene. You need to calm down and save whatever this is for later.”

  He moved to grip my elbow, but I pulled away before he could. “There isn’t going to be a later—I quit.” I darted past him and out the main doors to the sidewalk.

  “Alayna!” He followed me.

  Anger surged through me, tears forming in my eyes. I was vulnerable and floundering and he had taken advantage. I turned on him, hot tears streaking my cheeks. “Tell me, Hudson, did you pick me because you thought my obsession issues would make your game more fun? Because really, where’s the challenge in that?”

  Hudson’s jaw tightened, realization setting in. “Fuck Celia and her big mouth.” He took a step toward me, his hand reaching for me. I stepped away. He softened, but his glare was insistent. “Let’s talk about this in the limo.”

  “I don’t want—“

  He cut me off. “Alayna. It’s not fair of you to listen to a stranger tell her story and not give me a chance to explain.” His eye twitched, but, other than that, his features and composure were controlled. “I’m telling you we will talk about this in the limo which is parked in the lot next door. First, because my mother is watching, I’m going to bend down and kiss your forehead. Then I’m going to walk over and tell her that you aren’t feeling well. I will meet you in the car.”

  I peeked over his shoulder and saw Sophia inside the doors, a smug grin on her face. I’d already told him I was quitting. I’d get a job at whatever loser place Brian wanted me to work at, because I obviously couldn’t work anywhere that Hudson Pierce would be. But I knew he wouldn’t let me walk away unless I agreed to his plan. Then, when I got to the limo, I’d tell Jordan to take off before Hudson joined us.

  I gave him a tight nod. He approached cautiously and kissed me softly on the forehead. I crossed my arms over my chest to hide my nipples that had pebbled traitorously.

  “The limo, Alayna. I’ll meet you there.”

  I wiped the tears roughly from my face as I walked toward the lot he’d pointed to, picking up my pace as soon as I was out of his view. There were several limos parked, but I spotted Jordan leaning against the hood, playing with his phone. When he saw me walking toward him he opened the door without a word.

  “Take me home, please, Jordan,” I choked as I slipped in.

  Jordan shut the door and I heard him get into the driver’s seat. He hadn’t said anything, hadn’t agreed or disagreed to my direction, and, for a moment, I feared he’d only take his orders from Hudson.

  Relief swept over me when the car started...

  …and then immediately left when he pulled up next to the ballroom and Hudson climbed in, the doors automatically locking after he’d closed the door.

  Shit! Hudson had probably texted Jordan that I was coming out, to pick him up after, and to not take me anywhere without him. Unreasonably, I felt betrayed by my driver.

  As the car pulled into traffic, I pressed into the opposite corner, as far away as I could from the man sharing the car with me.

  Hudson pressed a button and spoke. “Jordan, drive around until I say otherwise. Or find someplace to park for a while.”

  Normally I’d blush, afraid of what Jordan would think we were doing in the backseat. But I was too pissed and hurt to care.

  We sat a few minutes, not speaking. I couldn’t imagine that the always-in-control Hudson Pierce was at a loss for words, so I assumed his silence was meant to calm me down. Or unnerve me. Some sort of expert manipulative tactic.

  It didn’t calm me. Instead, the silence gave me time to review every moment of the past few days, allowing me to recognize his domineering hand in all of his actions. It gave me fuel to hate him for his control over me. And myself for falling in with the prick in the first place.

  Finally he spoke, quietly. “What exactly did Celia tell you?”

  I couldn’t remain silent. “Oh, just how you fuck with vulnerable women’s emotions. Is it true?”

  “Alayna—“ He moved across the seat, placing his hand on my knee.

  “Don’t touch me!” He removed his hand. “And stop saying my name. Is it true?”

  “Will you calm down so I can explain?”

  His soft tone felt patronizing, emboldening my fury. I needed him to admit it. I had to hear him say it. “Is. It. True?”

  His answer came in a burst. “Yes, it’s true!” He took a deep breath, regaining his control. “In the past, it was true.”

  I froze, my eyes riveted on him. I hadn’t expected a confession. Hadn’t expected him to tell me anything—he never did—and I feared if I moved he’d stop talking. So I remained still.

  He took his time, not looking at me as he made his admission. “I did...things...that I’m not proud of. I manipulated people. I hurt them and often it was deliberate.” He turned to me, piercing me with his intense gray eyes and the grit in his voice. “But not now. I don’t do that now. Not with you.”

  His delivery affected me, but I bit past the emotion, knowing I had proof that betrayed his words. “Really? Because it seems completely obvious that you did exactly that with me. The way you picked me out at the symposium and you tracked me down and gave me a spa vacation and Jesus, you bought the club!”

  He shook his head. “It’s not like that. I explained the gift and I was looking at the club anyway. When I found out you worked there, yes, it helped me make my decision—”

  I cut him off. “And you ‘hired’ me and seduced me. And when I told you I needed to not have sex with you, you somehow got me to do exactly that. You are manipulative. You’re a bully, Hudson.” I wrapped my arms around myself, hoping to stop the new onslaught of tears that threatened.

  “No, Alayna. I didn’t want that with you.” The anguish in his tone set my tears into motion. He leaned forward and I sensed he wanted to touch me. Instead, he put his hand on the seat next to me, putting himself as close to me as I’d let him. “I don’t want to be like that with you.”

  I swiped at the tears, unable to keep up with their pace. “Then what do you want to be with me, Hudson?”

  “Honestly? I’m not sure.” He sat back against the seat. His expression confused, torn.

  Suddenly, he looked much younger than I’d ever seen him. He no longer seemed the confident, commanding alpha male that I knew him to be, but like a group member in one of my therapy sessions, exposed and accessible.

  He let out a brief laugh, as if he recognized his own vulnerability and it amused him or confounded him. “
I’m drawn to you, Alayna. Not because I want to hurt you or make you feel a certain way, but because you’re beautiful and sexy and smart and, yes, a little crazy, maybe, but you’re not broken. And that makes me hopeful. For me.”

  I let out a shaky breath. God help me, I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to comfort him, knowing his words about me said more about himself than any he’d ever spoken.

  I didn’t move, though, still not willing to break the moment. Even my tears had stilled, as if they’d interrupt.

  “And maybe I’ve been a bully. But I’m a dominant person. I can try to change things about me, but the fundamentals of my personality are never going away.” His voice lowered further. “You of all people should be able to understand that.”

  He had me earlier. Probably back when he’d insisted he didn’t want to be whatever with me, but for sure when he’d inferred he was broken, and that I was not. And if none of that had reached me, his last statement would have. I did understand him. More than I had ever thought possible. What it felt like to be a certain way and to loathe myself for it. How difficult it was to change and learn to accept the parts of me that were fundamentally never going to change. And what it did to me to believe I was incapable of falling in love the way normal people do.

  I knew what it felt like to be that person.

  “I’m sorry.” It came out as a choked whisper so I repeated it. “I’m sorry. You didn’t judge me and I judged you.”

  He nodded once and I knew that was his way of accepting my apology.

  “And I exaggerated when I called you a bully. I haven’t done anything I didn’t want to. And your whole confident, domineering thing is actually kinda hot.”

  He almost smiled, but squeezed his eyes shut as if trying to reign in his emotions. When he opened them again, they were pleading. “Alayna, don’t quit. Don’t quit me.”

  I looked away, knowing how easy it would be to give in if I kept staring into those gray eyes. “Hudson, I have to. Not because of this, well, not only because of this, but because of my past. I’m not well enough to be with someone who has his own issues.”

  Truthfully, I didn’t know if I was well enough to be with anyone.