The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Zoo

by Sorrel Anderson

  ‘THERE!’ shouted Purvis. Ortrud’s bottom could be seen wiggling through a gap in a nearby fence, so they set off again over the grass and

  fetching up in front of a big metal door marked

  “NO ENTRY.”

  Lower down on the door was a sign saying

  “STRICTLY PROHIBITED”

  and underneath that was another sign saying

  “KEEP OUT!

  Trespassers

  will be

  PROSECUTED!”

  and underneath that someone had drawn a skull and crossbones with a thick black marker pen and written

  “plees go away plees”.

  Purvis and Mickey Thompson looked at each other and gulped.

  ‘Well, we can’t just leave her, can we?’ said Purvis.

  Mickey Thompson shook his head.

  ‘Come on, then,’ said Purvis. Very gently, he pushed at the door and, rather surprisingly, it swung wide open and they found themselves stepping into a large room full of beanbags, and cups of tea, and animals.

  ‘There’s Ortrud,’ said Mickey Thompson, pointing .

  ‘Yes, but who’s that with her?’ said Purvis. ‘Surely it can’t be—’

  ‘ALLEN!’ shouted Mickey Thompson.

  Raspberry

  Recovery

  Part 1

  The mice were right, it was Howard’s dog, Allen, perched on a beanbag, drinking banana milk through a bendy straw.

  Ortrud was sitting next to him, with a cup of tea.

  ‘YOO-HOO!’

  called Mickey Thompson. All the animals in the room turned to look at Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Whoops,’ he said, backing behind Purvis.

  Allen put down his milk and rushed over.

  ‘It’s OK,’ he said to the animals. ‘They’re friends of mine.’

  ‘Oh. Hellooo,’ chorused the animals, waving.

  ‘Er, hellooo,’ chorused Purvis and Mickey Thompson, waving back.

  The animals resumed their activities, and Allen showed the mice over to his beanbag.

  ‘What a lovely surprise,’ he said. ‘First Ortrud, and now you!’

  ‘Yes!’ agreed the mice.

  ‘But why are you here?’ asked Allen. ‘There isn’t anything wrong with Howard, is there?’

  ‘No, Howard’s fine,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Phew,’ said Allen.

  ‘Although muddy,’ added Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Sorry?’ said Allen.

  ‘Because of the CAMOUFLAGE,’ explained Mickey Thompson. ‘Oh, and he lay in a puddle.’

  ‘Did he?’ asked Allen. ‘I wonder why.’

  ‘I don’t think he meant to,’ said Purvis. ‘It just happened to be behind the bush he’s hiding behind.’

  ‘Bush?’ gasped Allen.

  ‘Yes,’ said the mice.

  ‘He’s not at the office?’ gasped Allen.

  ‘No,’ said the mice.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ said Allen. ‘He set off for work this morning. Did he fall down on the way?’

  ‘Not as far as I know,’ said Purvis.

  Allen scratched his head. ‘Er, shall I get us some drinks?’ he suggested, ‘and then you can explain from the beginning.’

  ‘Yes, please!’ said the mice.

  ‘Banana milk, please,’ said Mickey Thompson, quickly.

  ‘I’d quite like a cup of tea,’ said Purvis. ‘And we’re supposed to be taking one back for Howard, too.’

  ‘Back where, though?’ asked Allen. ‘If he isn’t at work, where is he?’

  ‘Behind the bush, like we said,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘And the bush is where?’ said Allen.

  ‘Here!’ said Purvis. ‘At the

  .’

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Allen.

  ‘We came for a day out, you see,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘It was because of all the Nervous Exhaustion really, and Howard said no about the crisp factory so this seemed the next best thing.’

  Allen gazed at the mice and the mice smiled back at him, cheerfully. Allen continued gazing and the mice smiled and nodded at him, encouragingly. After a while Mickey Thompson coughed, and said, ‘So, um, would a little bit of banana milk be OK, please, Allen? Only I’m quite thirsty.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Allen, coming to. ‘Sorry. Wait here.’

  He hurried off to a small kitchen area and came back with some banana milk for Mickey Thompson, another apple juice for Ortrud, a cup of tea in a proper cup for Purvis, a cup of tea in a take-away cup for Howard, and a maroon-coloured smoothie for himself.

  ‘It’s a “Boysenberry Bonanza”,’ he explained to Mickey Thompson, who was eyeing it. ‘I fancied a change.’

  ‘I’ll try one of those next,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘So, Allen,’ said Purvis, sipping his tea and settling on to the beanbag. ‘How come you’re here?’

  ‘I pop down if I feel like some company,’ said Allen. ‘I know a short cut from home, and it’s a pleasant change of scene. The thing is...’ He glanced around, nervously. The mice glanced around too.

  ‘What is it, Allen?’ asked Purvis.

  ‘The thing is,’ whispered Allen. ‘Howard doesn’t know.’

  Mickey Thompson gave a loud slurp and several animals jumped.

  Purvis shushed him.

  ‘I’m not doing anything,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Drink it more quietly,’hissed Purvis. ‘And slower.’

  Mickey Thompson did another slurp, and there was a small scuffle.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Allen.

  ‘Sorry, Allen,’ said Purvis, settling down again. ‘Howard wouldn’t mind you coming here, though, would he?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Allen. ‘Strictly speaking, I’m supposed to be asleep in my basket, not visiting zoos.’

  ‘I see,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Did you leave anything in the basket?’ asked Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Um, my blanket was in there,’ said Allen, ‘and my blue octopus.’

  ‘Does either of them look anything like you?’ asked Mickey Thompson.

  ‘The blanket’s the same kind of colour,’ said Allen. ‘But flatter.’

  ‘You should have stuffed something in it,’ advised Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Should I?’ said Allen.

  ‘In case someone comes looking,’ said Mickey Thompson, ominously.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Allen. ‘I didn’t think. I don’t want to get into trouble.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Allen,’ said Purvis. ‘We won’t mention any of this to Howard if you don’t want us to, although I think he’d understand.’

  ‘I’m not sure I’ll be able to come for much longer, anyway,’ said Allen, sighing. ‘Everything’s changing.’

  ‘How do you mean?’ asked Purvis.

  Allen did more nervous glancing.

  ‘It’s Mr Bullerton,’ he whispered.

  Mickey Thompson spluttered milk everywhere and started to choke.

  ‘Oo-er,’ said a porcupine, who was sitting nearby. ‘I got splashed .’

  ‘He had a bit of a shock,’ explained Purvis, patting and mopping.

  ‘I’m ever so sorry,’ said Allen. ‘When I said “It’s Mr Bullerton” I meant—’

  ‘WHERE?’

  shrieked the porcupine, leaping up.

  ‘No, nowhere,’ said Allen, as several animals hid behind beanbags. ‘Well, he’s somewhere, I suppose, but—’

  Several of the animals squealed.

  ‘But he isn’t here here, if you see what I mean,’ said Allen. ‘I was just trying to tell the mice about him and the zoo.’

  The animals came out from behind their beanbags, gingerly.

  ‘He’s the reason we’re hiding in here,’ said Allen. ‘He’s been visiting an awful lot lately, you see.’

  ‘I wonder why,’ said Purvis.

  ‘He told the zoo keeper he’s doing it to relax,’ said Allen, ‘but Mr Bullerton’s idea of relaxing seems to be picking fights, and making
complaints, and trying to take over, and bossing everyone around.’

  ‘Don’t forget Raspberry,’ said an otter. ‘Tell them about Raspberry.’

  ‘Yes, Raspberry,’ said the animals. ‘Raspberry!’ There were mutterings, and one or two shouts.

  ‘Raspberry?’ said Purvis.

  ‘It was most unfortunate,’ said Allen, sounding upset. ‘He got into a spot of bother over an ice cream, and—’

  ‘Ice cream?’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Yes,’ said Allen, ‘it belonged to Mr Bullerton, and—’

  ‘What kind of an ice cream?’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Tutti-frutti,’ said Allen. ‘A large one; with strawberry sauce.’

  ‘Ooooh,’ breathed Mickey Thompson.

  ‘I know,’ agreed Allen. ‘Raspberry was only taking an interest, but Mr Bullerton became enraged, and chased him away, and nobody’s seen him since.’

  ‘No!’ gasped Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Yes,’ said Allen.

  ‘Poor Raspberry,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘But, Allen,’ said Purvis, ‘who – or what – is Raspberry?’

  ‘Oh, didn’t I say?’ said Allen. ‘He’s a giraffe.’

  ‘Purvis!’ squeaked Mickey Thompson, grabbing on to Purvis. Purvis held up the leaflet with the picture of the giraffe on it.

  ‘Is this him?’ he asked.

  ‘That’s him,’ confirmed Allen. ‘Isn’t he sweet? We’ve all been so worried, especially Maud.’

  ‘Maud being...?’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Oh, didn’t I say that either?’ said Allen. ‘She’s—’

  ‘Wait,’ said Purvis. He held up the giraffe-free leaflet, and tapped the picture of the less-than-happy elephant.

  ‘Is this her?’ he asked.

  ‘That’s her,’ nodded Allen.

  ‘She looks a lot like Ortrud,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Yes, they’re similar,’ said Allen, ‘although Ortrud hasn’t got Maud’s, um…’ His words trailed off.

  ‘Maud’s, um… what?’ asked Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Well, I don’t like to be personal,’ said Allen, ‘but sometimes she can have rather a, um…’

  ‘Rather, a um… what?’ asked Mickey Thompson, just as the door crashed open and an elephant appeared.

  ‘IT’S ME!’

  boomed the elephant.

  ‘…loud voice,’ whispered Allen, and Ortrud tooted, excitedly.

  ‘Come on,’ said Allen. ‘I’ll introduce you.’ He led the mice and Ortrud over to the far end of the room, where there was a large piece of paper stuck on the wall with the words

  written on it.

  Huddled underneath it were the anteater, the penguin, the monkey, the unusual thing and a very small elephant that looked almost, but not exactly, like Ortrud.

  ‘HELLO,’

  boomed

  the elephant, extremely loudly, and Purvis and Mickey Thompson got blown a little bit

  ‘Steady, Maud,’ said the unusual thing.

  ‘STEADY, Maud,’ boomed Maud, moderately loudly. ‘Meet Peg, Bob, Jan and Chrysanthemum,’ she said, gesturing towards the other animals.

  ‘Hellooo,’ chorused Peg, Bob, Jan and Chrysanthemum, waving.

  ‘Hellooo,’ said Mickey Thompson and Purvis, waving back. Ortrud tooted, and waved her trunk.

  ‘So, Maud,’ said Purvis. ‘Allen tells us you’ve been having problems with Mr Bullerton.’

  ‘YES,’ boomed Maud. ‘CHRYSANTHEMUM?’

  ‘Yes, Maud?’ said the unusual thing.

  ‘Could we have the list, please?’ asked Maud, and Chrysanthemum scampered off and scampered back again trailing an enormously long piece of paper made from a lot of normal-sized pieces of paper stuck end to end with sticky tape.

  ‘Shall I read all of it or just the best bits?’ whispered Chrysanthemum.

  ‘Call them “edited highlights”,’ whispered Maud, ‘not “best bits”.’

  ‘Right,’ whispered Chrysanthemum.

  ‘Go on, then,’ whispered Maud.

  ‘Err,’ whispered Chrysanthemum. ‘Ooh.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ whispered Maud.

  ‘I’ve gone shy,’ whispered Chrysanthemum. ‘You read it.’

  So Maud took it, and everyone else sat down on the floor in front of her to listen.

  ‘THE LIST,’ she announced. ‘B.’

  ‘Eh?’ said Allen.

  ‘Very funny,’ said Maud.

  ‘Sorry?’ said Allen.

  ‘I was about to explain,’ explained Maud, ‘that I shall be referring to Mr Bullerton as “B” so as to save time and avoid repetition.’

  ‘Good idea,’ said Purvis.

  ‘I thought so,’ said Maud, ‘but I wouldn’t wish to confuse you.’

  ‘It’s OK, we understand,’ said Purvis.

  ‘I’m not sure Allen does,’ said Maud.

  ‘I do,’ said Allen. ‘I do understand, don’t I?’ he whispered to Purvis.

  ‘Of course you do, Allen,’ whispered Purvis.

  ‘WHISPERING?’

  boomed

  Maud, gazing around.

  ‘Sorry, Maud,’ said Purvis.

  ‘SORRY, Maud,’

  boomed Maud.

  ‘Shall I continue?’

  ‘Please do,’ said Purvis.

  ‘THE LIST,’ announced Maud, again. ‘Edited highlights thereof:

  ‘B shouted at the

  INFORMATION POINT

  lady and made her cry.

  B shouted at the Zoo Keeper

  and made him cry.

  B was rude about this zoo and

  said it is disorganised.

  B was unkind about us animals

  and said that we are lazy.

  B made hurtful remarks about

  Chrysanthemum.’

  ‘He said something like me shouldn’t be on the leaflet, and no one can tell what I am,’ whispered Chrysanthemum to Purvis.

  ‘I see,’ whispered Purvis.

  ‘Can you tell what I am?’ whispered Chrysanthemum, worriedly.

  ‘Of course,’ whispered Purvis.

  ‘What am I?’ whispered Chrysanthemum.

  ‘Unusual,’ whispered Purvis, ‘and lovely.’

  Chrysanthemum looked pleased.

  ‘MORE WHISPERING?’

  boomed Maud,

  gazing around again.

  ‘Sorry, Maud,’ said Purvis.

  ‘SORRY, Maud,’said Maud.

  Purvis and Mickey Thompson exchanged glances, and shrugged.

  ‘I’ll continue,’ said Maud, continuing:

  B made the Zoo Keeper stop our food.

  B threw an ice cream at the ice-cream kiosk man.

  B chased Raspberry and made him disappear.

  ‘See what I mean?’ whispered Allen, to Purvis.

  ‘Yes,’ whispered Purvis, back.

  ‘What is it now?’ whispered Maud, and Purvis jumped.

  ‘I was just telling Allen I saw what he meant about Mr Bullerton causing trouble,’ explained Purvis.

  ‘AH!’ boomed Maud. ‘GOOD! So will you help us, please?’

  ‘Of course we will,’ said Purvis.

  ‘WE MUST FIND RASPBERRY,’ emphasised Maud.

  ‘Raspberry,’ muttered the other animals.

  ‘Raspberry.’

  ‘And we must lose BULLERTON,’ crescendoed Maud. ‘Make him go away.’

  ‘We’ll certainly try,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Come on then!’ said Maud, bouncing.

  ‘OK,’ said Purvis. ‘Well, first—’

  ‘What are we waiting for?’ bounced Maud. ‘What do you think we should do?’

  ‘Well, first—’ said Purvis.

  ‘It’s been a worrying time, you see,’ said Maud, suddenly sighing. ‘We’ve run out of ideas.’

  ‘Right,’ said Purvis. ‘First, tell us what you’ve done so far.’

  ‘THIS!’ said Maud, pointing at the ‘OPERASHUN RARSBErRY’ poster, proudly.
‘What do you think?’

  ‘It’s a good start,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Maud drew the outlines,’ explained Chrysanthemum, ‘and the rest of us coloured them in.’

  ‘Yes, it took ages,’ said Allen. ‘We wanted to make it look nice.’

  ‘And it does,’ said Purvis, ‘very, but maybe we should—’

  ‘I did the ‘O’,’ added Chrysanthemum.

  ‘OH!’ shouted Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Whatever’s the matter?’ said Purvis.

  ‘I’ve only just noticed,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘It’s all in giraffe colours.’

  ‘EXACTLY!’

  boomed Maud.

  ‘So, we’ve got the poster,’ said Purvis. ‘Anything else?’

  The animals shook their heads.

  ‘Never mind,’ said Purvis. ‘Let’s think of some other ideas.’

  ‘What kind of ideas?’ asked Chrysanthemum.

  ‘We won’t know until we think of them,’ said Purvis, so everyone thought.

  ‘GOT ONE!’

  boomed Maud, almost immediately.

  ‘We could MAKE A POSTER.’

  ‘Er,’ said Purvis.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ said Maud, ‘but this one would have “OPERATION MR BULLERTON” written on it. THERE!’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Purvis.

  ‘In what kind of colours, though?’ asked Allen.

  ‘How about blue?’ suggested Mickey Thompson. ‘He often wears a blue tie.’

  ‘Ooh,’ said Chrysanthemum. ‘I like blue.’

  ‘So do I!’ said Allen. ‘Oh, but… oh dear…’

  ‘What is it, Allen?’ asked Purvis.

  ‘Well,’ said Allen, ‘if Mr Bullerton wears a blue tie, he probably likes blue too, and if he does, and we make a blue poster, he might like the poster so much that he stays here for ever, so he can carry on seeing it.’

  ‘Good point, Allen,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘YES!’ said Purvis, leaping up. ‘And using the same principle we can lure him away.’

  Everyone looked at Purvis, blankly.

  ‘Listen,’ said Purvis. ‘We make an enormous poster advertising something he likes, with lots of arrows pointing out of the zoo and far away, and he’ll notice, and he’ll follow, and then… GONE. See?’