Wrecking Ball

by Toler, B N

  Anger replaced my devastation, briefly. With a deep breath, I steadied my voice and said, “You need to go. I can’t even stand the sight of you right now.”

  “Sophia.” He sighed my name as if he was trying to control his own emotion. “Baby, I know what you saw looked—”

  “Like you were cheating on your wife,” I interrupted, disdain rich in my tone.

  “I swear it’s not what you think. She kissed me and I stopped it.” His gaze moved to meet mine and his eyes were glossy as if he were on the verge of crying.

  He did pull away from her, that I saw, but he did kiss her. I witnessed it with my own eyes. There was a long moment before he pulled away from her and even after he pulled away, he held on as if he were debating whether he wanted to kiss her again or not.

  “Brandon.” I shook my head, exhausted. “You were kissing her. Maybe you pulled away at some point, but you were kissing her.”

  “She came on to me. I swear nothing else happened and I stopped her. I swear.”

  “You really think I’m an idiot don’t you?”

  “Of course I don’t,” he said softly.

  “You need to pack a bag and leave.” I held my towel tight to my chest, raising my chin slightly to show him I meant what I said.

  “Baby, please don’t do this.” He slid off the bed and crawled to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing his head into my belly. “You are my world. Please, just please let’s talk this out.”

  With my free hand I pulled at one of his arms to loosen his grip. “Let me go, Brandon,” I said firmly, but his grip tightened.

  “I can’t. Not until you tell me we can talk about this.”

  “We will talk about this, but not tonight. Not until I’m ready. Right now I’m very hurt and angry and I need time to think.”

  “About what?” His gaze moved to my face, worry rich in his eyes.

  “About where we go from here? Now let me go.” I pulled at his arm again and he released me, falling back on his heels in defeat. “Now please leave me alone.”

  With that he stood and scratched his head, watching me as I walked to my closet. I didn’t look back at him and when I heard the bedroom door shut I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

  ***

  Brandon didn’t leave that night. He slept in his study which was probably for the best because if he hadn’t been home when the girls woke up they might have suspected something was up. Unable to get past my own anger and hurt, I barely spoke to him for three days, only offering short words when prompted by the girls where I had to engage in conversation with him.

  On the fourth day, when I returned from dropping the girls off at school, Brandon sat at our kitchen table, drinking coffee. His hair was disheveled, his face pale, and bags hung under his eyes indicating he hadn’t slept well. I didn’t look much better myself.

  “Why aren’t you at work?” I asked as I poured myself a cup of coffee.

  “Because we need to talk. I haven’t pushed you the last few days because I knew you needed time to think, but it’s been long enough.”

  “For what, Brandon? You think three days is long enough for me to get over and forgive you for kissing another woman? You think three days is long enough to decide if this marriage is worth fighting for?”

  Brandon jumped out of his seat and rounded the counter until he was beside me. His eyes were wild as he seized me by the shoulders. “You can’t be talking about divorce, Soph. Please tell me you’re not.”

  I swallowed hard, biting back the tears that gnawed at my eyes. “Let go of me,” I said calmly and after a brief moment he obeyed, but remained only inches away from me. “I’m starting to realize that maybe neither of us has been happy in this marriage for a long time. Maybe we’ve just been going through the motions.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?” he shouted and I stumbled back surprised. “We have been happy!”

  “Oh, have we?” I shouted back. “So fucking happy you kissed another woman?”

  “Soph.” His voice immediately calmed. “She kissed me.”

  “Maybe that’s true, but you kissed her back, Brandon. I have fucking eyes.” I continued to shout and unable to meet his tortured gaze any longer, I grabbed a dish rag and started wiping the counters. “How do I know you haven’t done more with her? How do I know there haven’t been others?”

  He jerked me back so fast, pressing me against the counter, I barely had time to comprehend what was happening. “I swear on everything that means anything to me, our marriage, our children, my life that nothing other than that has ever happened.” His tone, his body, the desperate look on his face took my breath away. But even if he was telling the truth, he still kissed her.

  I shoved him away from me. Despite everything, I believed him for some reason. “And what if I hadn’t shown up? How do I know you wouldn’t have fucked her right there on your stupid fucking desk?!” I yelled, anger squeezing tears that burned my eyes. Brandon froze, his eyes wide with disbelief. Maybe from my yelling, which I rarely ever did, or from the realization of how bad things really were. I quickly composed myself, taking a deep breath and walked past him to grab his empty coffee mug off the table, needing to busy myself. As I rounded the counter, heading towards the sink, I said, “I think we need some time apart.”

  Brandon grabbed the mug from my hand and threw it with such force across the kitchen it shattered against the wall, ceramic pieces flying everywhere. Though his outburst stunned me, I remained cool, telling myself not to yell or scream anymore. It would only escalate a fight that I was already tired of having.

  “Time apart?” he shouted. “I’m not leaving! I’m not giving up on us. I fucked up, I know, but you don’t just end ten years of marriage over one mistake, Soph!”

  “You’re lecturing me about ten years of marriage, Brandon?” My tone was completely calm, almost pitying. “You kissed. Another. Woman.” I said slowly. “Now what was it you were saying about ten years of marriage?”

  “Soph,” he breathed, his voice having calmed dramatically as he struggled to reign in his own emotions.

  But I continued talking. “I was thinking you could go with the girls to your parents this summer. I don’t think the girls would find it odd.”

  “No. You’re not doing this. I won’t leave you.” He shook his head adamantly. “No.”

  “If you don’t go, I’ll go and take the girls to my parents for the summer.”

  He dropped to his knees and pulled me to him, burying his face in my waist like he did the night everything fell apart. “Please, Soph. I’m so sorry. Please. Please don’t do this. I’ll do anything.”

  “Let go, Brandon,” I gritted. “I need time to think and I need to be away from you to do it.”

  He quickly shuffled to his feet and wiped at his face quickly, clearing the tears streaming down his cheeks. I’d never seen him cry before and it was heart wrenching, but my resolve was firm. My own heart needed comforting and I couldn’t offer him any, especially when his indiscretion was the reason we both needed it.

  “Fine. I’ll give you space,” he said quietly. “The girls and I will leave the day after school lets out.”

  “You can tell them tonight that you’ll be going,” I offered.

  “And what will I say the reason you’re not coming along is?”

  “We’ll tell them…I’m helping a friend with renovating a house or something.” It was a lame reason, but the girls were young and would probably buy easy into it.

  “So you’re just going to stay here, by yourself?” he questioned.

  “That’s my plan.”

  “If this is what you want Soph, I’ll give you space. But when the girls and I get back, we’re going to talk and figure this out.” With that he stomped out of the kitchen and I pulled out the broom to sweep up the broken mug, cursing him for making such a mess.

  ***

  Two days before Brandon and the girls left, my cell phone rang after I pulled into the Target
parking lot, where I planned to get a few things the girls needed for the trip.

  “Hello,” I answered, having not paid attention to the Caller ID.

  “Phi!” Tia’s bright cheery voice called out, making me smile.

  “Well if it isn’t the prodigal daughter,” I jibed. “How are you?” Tia called me once a month to catch up with me from wherever she was in the world. The time since I found Brandon kissing the other woman, had been painfully lonesome. There was no one to talk to about it, not really. I didn’t like to air my dirty laundry to people, especially if there was a chance Brandon and I might work things out.

  “Fantastic! Australia is the shit. You have to come here sometime,” she insisted.

  “Maybe someday.”

  “God, I miss you, Phi! How are you?” I stared at a couple holding hands walking in the store from where I sat in my car. The woman’s belly was swollen and her free hand rubbed it softly. Brandon and I, not so long ago, talked about having another baby, but put the conversation aside deciding it wasn’t the right time with his busy schedule.

  “I’m good,” I answered lacking any conviction.

  “And the girls?” she pressed.

  “You know, a handful as usual. Ferrah keeps stuffing her bra with toilet paper.”

  “Ha! I used to do that, too,” Tia laughed. “I wanted boobs so bad, just like you.”

  “She’s trying to grow up too fast.”

  “And Brandon, how is he?” Tia questioned, something she always asked when she called.

  “Brandon…” Should I confide in her? Maybe not. “He’s fine.” The line went silent for a long moment. “Hello?” I said to make sure she was still there.

  “What’s wrong, Phi?” Her tone was dead serious, lacking any of the lightness and humor it held only moments before.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, realizing I must’ve given something away when I answered how Brandon was.

  “Don’t bullshit me. What’s wrong?”

  Biting my tongue, I didn’t answer for a moment fighting the urge to tell her, but the hurt inside me bubbled up and burst loose, forcing me to confide in her everything that happened. Tia listened as I sobbed into the phone in the Target parking lot, confessing my husband’s indiscretion.

  When I was done, Tia had few words to offer other than, “I’m so sorry, Phi.”

  It felt good to get it all out. “Thanks for listening to me babble,” I sniffled trying to clean my face up in the rear view mirror.

  We hung up and I managed to go inside the store and make my purchases. Two days later, after we packed Brandon’s car and I kissed each of the girls a thousand times, Brandon pulled me aside.

  “I hope you’ll come and join us, if you feel up to it.” He smiled faintly. Taking my face in his hands, forcing my gaze to meet his, he said, “I love you. I’m sorry I let you down, but please know you mean the world to me.”

  After a long moment, I pulled his hands away. “Be careful,” I whispered.

  He stared at me a long moment, his hands in his pockets, before he walked to the car and got in.

  The next day, my cell phone ring, waking me. With no husband or children to tend to, I slept in. My eyes darted to the alarm clock and I quickly sat up. It was one in the afternoon. How the hell could I sleep so long? Because you’re depressed, a little voice in the back of my mind answered.

  “Hello,” I answered gruffly.

  “Holy shit! Did I just wake you up?” Tia laughed.

  “Yeah, you did.”

  The line was silent a moment, and I flung myself back down on the bed. “How you holding up?”

  “You know, doing swell,” I remarked sarcastically.

  “Well get your ass up. My plane lands in two hours and we’re going out.”

  “You’re coming here?” I asked confused.

  “Yep. And we’re going out. Don’t forget that part.”

  We went back and forth about going out and when the call was over, I forced myself up and took a shower. It would be good to see Tia.

  EIGHT

  Brandon

  “Look at this sack of shit!” Jake laughs as he stands and gives me a one armed hug.

  “Hey, shit head!” Ryan stands and gives me the same hug after Jake.

  “Good to see you guys, too,” I laugh.

  We all sit and a waiter takes my drink order. Ryan and Jake are in business together, running a small IT firm. I would’ve never imagined IT would be their career choice, but they do very well for themselves.

  “It’s been a long time, Brandon. How goes life?” Ryan sips his highball as his eyes follow a woman in a black dress walking by us. Some things never change no matter how old you get.

  “Life is good,” I lie. I don’t want to open our evening with my sob story. In fact, I’d rather not think about how my life is in the metaphorical shitter at all.

  “I call bullshit.” Ryan narrows his eyes at me. “You look worse than I’ve ever seen you.”

  “Trouble at home?” Jake cracks a smile, but when my gaze moves to my hands, he curses.

  “Seriously, Brandon? Are you and Soph okay?” Jake leans forward, his playful tone changing to one of concern.

  “I think she’s going to leave me,” I mumble as the server drops my drink off.

  “Three steaks, salads and potatoes,” Ryan orders and the waiter scurries away. “Just thought I’d order for everyone because I have a feeling shit’s about to get deep over here.”

  I nod in appreciation. “I fucked up, guys,” I admit honestly before sipping my drink. When I look up, I find them both staring at me. I hadn’t realized my hand holding the glass is shaking. I must look like I’m coming off a bender or something. The truth is, I’m scared to tell them. I don’t think they’d judge me, they are my best friends after all, but I’ve always been proud of my life, Sophia especially, and to admit we are on the brink of separating is unthinkable. But I need to talk to someone other than my father who told me I’m an idiot.

  “You cheated on Soph?” Ryan asks, shock plastered across his face.

  “No. I mean, not sex or anything. A fucking grad student came on to me and Soph walked in on us kissing.” I run a hand through my hair, uncomfortable and ashamed to be telling my friends this story.

  I’ve played the memory of that night in my mind over and over again. Where was the defining moment where I could’ve changed the outcome of that night?

  The eyes of a young Nadine Winston stared up at me, want and need in her gaze. For a moment I was lost in that gaze, and I stared back at her; youth and desire brimming from her like the sun peeking over the horizon at dawn.

  My hands are on her hips. Shit! I’m touching her. Why am I touching her? Before I could answer myself, she kissed me. Her lips were warm and soft, unfamiliar. I wanted to enjoy the kiss, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t lose myself in it because as good as it felt I knew it was a fleeting moment. A kiss that threatened to tear my life down, ruin the real happiness I possessed, and crush the person I cherish most in my life.

  With that thought, I pulled Nadine’s arms from around my neck and broke the kiss. As she stared at me with big green eyes, I asked myself—what do I do now? How do I end this in a way we can continue to work together?

  Just then, something crashed causing my head to jerk towards the sound. Big brown eyes gaped at me as her mouth hung open in shock. My stomach flipped and I realized the devastation my moment of indiscretion would inflict as it crashed into me like a wrecking ball, a metal sphere meant to demolish everything I had built, everything that mattered.

  What have I done?

  “Fuck,” Jake mumbles pulling me from my thoughts as his eyes dart to Ryan. “Have things been bad at home? Is that why you did it?”

  “She kissed me and I kissed her back, for a few seconds when it hit me what a shitty husband I was and I pulled away, but it was too late. Sophia saw it all.”

  “Where is she?” Ryan asks.

  “I came with the girls to my pa
rents and she stayed home until Tia showed up and whisked her away to Mexico.”

  “Not the infamous Tia,” Jake laughs. “She’s wanted a reason to kick your ass since day one.”

  Tia and I have always gotten along well as long as I let her make it clear, repeatedly, that if I ever hurt her sister she’d castrate me. I never thought I would hurt her sister, so it was easy to agree to. “Yeah, I guess I’ve given her one now.”

  “Why’d you kiss the girl, Brandon? You know those college girls are nothing but trouble. Why’d you let it happen?”

  I curse under my breath as I stare away from our table. I’ve asked myself that question a thousand times. Why did I let Nadine kiss me? My life was great. Pretty wife, beautiful healthy kids, and a great job. Why would I do something that could ruin it? “It was the way she looked at me.” I shrug. “Sophia used to look at me like I was her world, but the longer we’ve been together, the less I’ve seen that look.”

  “You’re fucking kidding me, right?” Ryan asks dryly and I’m stunned silent. “Any guy would give his left nut to have your wife and you risk her because some horned up grad student gazed at you a certain way.”

  “Damn, Ryan. Thanks for your support.”

  “Dude. We’re friends because we’re honest with one another. I love you man, but you’re a fucking idiot. She stood by you while you worked your ass off to chase your career all so you could make out with a grad student? Come on, Brandon.”

  “I know I’m in the fucking wrong,” I say a little louder than I intend to. “You asked why. I told you why. I didn’t say it was an excuse.”

  “So let me guess. She wanted the summer to think things out and sent you away?” Jake interrupts us as he shakes his glass of ice to our waiter to signal for another drink.

  “I think she’s going to ask for a divorce. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the girls. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Did you ever think maybe you haven’t looked at her like you used to? Maybe she was looking at you, but you were too busy with your head up your ass at work to notice.”