To Have and To Hold

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  always did. She thanked him and poured milk for everyone as they settled into their chairs.

  Taking a moment to look at her happy family, she smiled again and slipped into her s eat so

  they could start eating.

  ***

  That evening, Mary decided to try her hand at milking the cow. She felt something was familiar

  about it and wanted to see why. She didn’t think she milked the cow often because she hadn’t

  done it since losing her memory, but she figured she’d done it at some point in the past.

  Grabbing the empty pail on the worktable, she told Rachel they were heading on out, and the

  little girl fol owed her to the barn.

  As they entered it, she saw that Dave was cleaning out a stal while Isaac was playing with the

  dog. The dog bolted over to them and Rachel hugged him. Mary sighed. “You’re getting al

  dirty.”

  “It’s alright, Ma,” Isaac was quick to assure Mary. “She has another dress.”

  Maybe, but she thought her daughter could get away with wearing that same dress for another

  day. Oh wel . She pretty much asked for more laundry when she decided to go out to the barn

  with her. “Isaac, I want you to watch Rachel while I milk the cow.”

  “Do you remember how to do that?” Dave asked as he raked up more hay and manure from

  one of the stal s.

  “Wel , no,” Mary admitted as Isaac led Rachel and Jasper out of the barn. Turning to them,

  she yel ed, “Stay where I can see you!”

  “He’s good about watching her,” Dave said and set the rake against the stal door. “Here. I

  can help you.”

  She considered trying this task alone but then thought better of it. If she messed up, he’d be

  there to tel her. Nodding, she waited for him to bring her a stool. He opened the stal for her

  where the cow munched on its hay.

  “There won’t be as much milk as this morning, but there’l be enough for you to get used to it

  again,” he said, taking the pail from her and setting it under the cow’s udder.

  Mary took a deep breath and sat on the stool. If she didn’t feel comfortable with him, she

  would have felt awkward, but in a way, he seemed to be a part of her. She supposed the

  connection between them was due to the fact that they were married. Wiping her hands on the

  skirt of her dress, she said, “I saw you squeezing her teats the other day. Isn’t that al there is

  to it?”

  “Pretty much.” He knelt next to her and motioned for her to give it a try.

  With a nod, she leaned forward and reached for the teats. In her mind, she got a glimpse of a

  time when she did this for the first time and he had wrapped his hands around hers to help her.

  Glancing his way, she smiled. “You put your hands around mine the first time I did this, didn’t

  you?”

  Scooting closer to her, he placed his hands over hers. “Yes. Like this.”

  His hands were warm and strong, and her cheeks grew warm. She recal ed feeling shy and

  pleased the day they’d married because he’d taken such delight in her. As he squeezed her

  hands and moved them down to get the milk out, she said, “You wanted to be with me when

  you married me.”

  He chuckled. “Of course, I did. I wouldn’t have married you otherwise.” When he brought his

  lips to her neck to give her a kiss, tingles ran up and down her spine. “You’re so beautiful,

  Mary.”

  She giggled. “I don’t think you’re that interested in making sure I can milk the cow.”

  “Maybe not as much as reminding you how happy I was when you agreed to be my wife.”

  “I was happy to be your wife, Dave. I feel it. In fact, I get the feeling that I haven’t been

  happier than when I met you.”

  “I hope I can make you happier every day we’re together.”

  “I think you do. Do I make you happier every day?”

  “Yes. There’l never be anyone but you in my life.”

  She finished milking the cow and straightened on the stool. Glancing at the doorway of the

  barn, she saw Isaac and Rachel sitting on the grass with Jasper. “They found something of

  interest in the grass,” she told Dave.

  He looked over his shoulder and grinned. “Probably a frog. Isaac’s been fascinated with them

  recently. He’d bring one into the house to keep if you let him.”

  She grimaced. “I don’t like that idea at al .”

  “Don’t worry. No frog has lived in the house with us.”

  “That’s a relief.”

  He kissed her again, and this time, he brought his arms around her and pul ed her close to him.

  Content, she wrapped her arms around his neck and returned his kiss. It seemed to her that

  being here with Dave and their children was as close to heaven on earth as anyone could get.

  When he ended the kiss, he helped her stand up before he picked up the stool and pail. “I

  reckon we better go into town tomorrow so you can see Sal y and then we can stop by the

  mercantile to buy whatever you need.”

  “It’l be nice to see her again.”

  “Do you remember her at al ?”

  She thought over his question as they left the stal . As she latched it shut, she said, “A little bit.

  I mostly recal that she’s a good friend.”

  “Yes, you two are close.”

  “I think the same is true for Jenny and April, but why do I sense I’m not as close to Jessica?”

  “Jessica spends more time with her friend Margaret unless we’re harvesting. Then you spend

  more time with her.”

  She nodded and waited for him to put the stool away before they headed out of the barn. They

  stopped by the children and dog, and she struggled to make out what it was they were

  inspecting in the grass. When Isaac picked up a snake, she jerked back.

  “It’s a garden snake,” he said, watching as the green snake wrapped around his arm.

  “You need to leave that out here,” Dave told him.

  “I know, Pa. I won’t take it to the house.”

  “Good.”

  “I’l take the milk to the house,” Mary said and took the pail from Dave. “I’l let you get back to

  work.” She gave him a quick kiss and then turned to their children. “You two need to get ready

  for bed, so you’re coming with me.”

  Isaac sighed. “But I just found this snake.”

  “Listen to your mother,” Dave said before he turned to Mary and gave her a heated look that

  made her heart flutter in excitement. “I won’t be too long.”

  Blushing as he went back to the barn, she waited for Isaac to put the snake in the grass before

  taking the children into the house.

  Chapter Seven

  After breakfast the next day, Mary got ready to go into town while Dave and Isaac went to the

  barn to get the horses and wagon ready. She brought Rachel upstairs with her so she could

  change her diaper. When she finished her task, Mary placed her in the crib and went to her

  bedroom where she changed into a nicer shirt than the one she’d been wearing earlier.

  Satisfied, she col ected her smal purse from the shelf on the wal , and as she turned to leave,

  she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror.

  Recal ing her strange dream two nights ago, she examined the mirror and wondered why

  something so common should be connected to her past. The mirrors were different ones in her

  dream, and this had been one of them, except this one didn’t have the negative feelings

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sp; associated with the others. Not that she could pinpoint the exact feelings swirling around in her

  dream. Al she knew was that she didn’t like them. As for the feeling associated with this one,

  she suspected it was akin to what she experienced each night when Dave held her in his arms.

  Secure. Maybe protected. Perhaps a little of both.

  With a shrug, she got ready to leave the room when Dave entered it. Since she didn’t expect

  him, she jerked. Laughing, she placed her hand on her chest. “You startled me. I didn’t hear

  you come up the stairs.”

  His lips curled up into a smile and he glanced around the room. “Where’s Rachel?”

  “In her crib. I should get her.”

  “In a moment.”

  He wrapped his arm around her waist and pul ed her close to him. She saw the kiss coming

  before he brought his mouth to hers. Her arms went around his neck, and she returned his kiss,

  delighting in the newfound intimacy she experienced with him. It was no wonder she married

  him. He was a wonderful man.

  Reluctant, she ended the kiss. “Where’s Isaac?”

  “In the parlor with his trains.” Giving her waist a squeeze, he added, “We have some time to

  ourselves,” before he kissed her again.

  From the other room, Rachel yel ed for her, so Mary playful y shoved Dave away from her. “I

  suspect once we had children, we didn’t have much of the day to ourselves.”

  He sighed. “You’re right. That’s why we have nights.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively

  and patted her on the behind.

  She giggled. “You’re a wicked man, aren’t you?”

  “Only with you.”

  “I better get our daughter before she starts crying.”

  He joined her as she went into Rachel’s room where Rachel had thrown her dol to the floor.

  Mary picked it up while Dave lifted his daughter. Holding her with one arm, he took the dol

  from Mary to give to Rachel before putting his free arm around Mary’s shoulders.

  “I got my two beautiful girls,” he said as they left the room.

  They went down the stairs, got Isaac, and went to the wagon waiting for them outside. On

  their way to town, Mary pul ed the bonnet closer to her face to protect her eyes from the bright

  sun. She didn’t bother paying attention to the land around them the last time they went to town

  because they were going to see the doctor about her memory loss and al she could think about

  was how scared she was.

  Now, as she examined the green hil s in the distance, she smiled. Nebraska was a beautiful

  place. She inhaled the sweet smel of clover and turned to her family. Rachel rested in her

  arms, and Isaac patted their dog who tagged along for the outing. Her gaze traveled to her

  husband who led the horses down the road that went to town. He glanced her way and winked

  at her, and she blushed, thinking of how his hands and mouth had felt on her body the night

  before. Why did it seem that she couldn’t think of anything but being alone with him whenever

  she looked at him? Her skin tingled in anticipation of being alone with him again that night.

  Forcing her mind off of the bedroom, she asked, “What are we doing first?”

  “I thought you might like to stop by the post office and see if a letter’s come in from your

  parents or Grace,” Dave replied as he turned onto another street.

  Her eyebrows furrowed. “Grace?”

  “One of your sisters. Your favorite one, actual y.”

  “I should do that.” Maybe it would prompt her memory. He told her that she came from Maine

  and grew up with eleven brothers and sisters. Then she came out to Nebraska as a mail-order

  bride and hadn’t been back since. Whenever she tried to conjure up any recol ection of her

  parents or siblings, her mind drew a blank. She could gather glimpses of the past when it

  came to Dave and their children. She even recal ed bits and pieces of Dave’s family. But

  absolutely nothing was forthcoming when it came to her life in Maine. She wondered why that

  was the case. If she was nineteen when she married Dave, then that was nineteen years she

  wasn’t getting back. Why was the distinction so great? Was there something back in Maine

  her mind didn’t want to remember?

  Dave pul ed the wagon up to a smal building and set the brake. “We’re here.”

  Taking her mind off of her past in Maine, Mary waited for him to come over to her side of the

  wagon and help her down. After that, she helped Rachel down as he helped Isaac. They went

  into the post office where Dave asked the post master if they received anything. To her

  surprise, there was a letter waiting for her.

  “It’s from your sister, Grace,” Dave said. “You like her letters.”

  “Do I?” she asked uncertainly.

  “Do you want me to read it?”

  She nodded and they left the post office so he could read it outside where no one would be

  nearby to hear them. Holding Rachel in one arm, she took Isaac’s hand and waited as Dave

  opened the letter.

  He scanned the letter and frowned.

  Eyebrows furrowed, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “Your father’s il . Your sister says he doesn’t have much longer to live .” His eyes met hers.

  “I’m sorry, Mary.”

  “I don’t remember him,” she softly reminded him. She knew she should feel sad by this news,

  but it was hard to when she couldn’t even get an image or feeling about him.

  Dave paused and sighed. “Your sister says everyone else is fine and that she hopes you’re

  doing wel . Do you want to write her back while you’re at Sal y’s? We can come back here

  and drop your letter off.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You could mention your loss of memory.”

  She shrugged. “Maybe. I’l think about it.” It’d be easier to write to someone she could

  remember, even if she had to report a memory loss.

  Dave folded the letter and tucked it into his pocket. “Alright. Do you want to see Sal y?”

  “Yes, I’d like to see her again.” At least with Sal y, she’d been getting feel ings of friendship and

  warmth.

  “Jasper can play with Aunt Sal y’s dog,” Isaac said as they headed over to the wagon.

  “That’s why we brought him,” Dave replied before he helped them into the wagon. He got into

  the wagon with them and took Mary’s hand and squeezed it. “You’re a beautiful woman, Mrs.

  Larson.”

  She squeezed his hand in return and smiled.

  He let go of her hand and released the brake. Leading the horses forward, he took them down

  the street a couple of blocks until he pul ed up in front of a cheerful yel ow house.

  “The color of Sal y’s house fits her, don’t you think?” Mary asked Dave as he set the brake.

  “How so?” he asked, getting down from the wagon.

  After she put Rachel down, she waited until he was over at her side to say, “Wel , she’s got a

  cheerful way about her, and the color yel ow is cheerful.”

  He glanced at the house before he lifted his arms to help her down from the wagon. “I hadn’t

  thought of it before, but you’re right. She’s cheerful. Always has been that way.”

  Turning around, she helped Rachel down while Dave held his arms out to Isaac who jumped

  into them. She sighed and took Rachel’s hand in hers. “Must you jump so high, Isaac?”

  “It’s fun, Ma,” he said as Dave put him down. />
  “Boys need to take risks. It helps them later in life,” Dave told her with a wink.

  She frowned. “I don’t see how it’s going to help him if he hurts himself.”

  “He won’t get hurt,” Dave replied and motioned for Jasper to join them. Jasper jumped down

  from the wagon, his tail wagging, and Dave petted him. “Boys need the sense of adventure,

  and he can’t get that unless he takes risks.”

  She sighed and looked at her daughter. “I hope you have more sense than these two men.”

  Rachel pointed to the house. “Cookie.”

  Dave chuckled as they headed for the porch. “I see she remembers Aunt Sal y.”

  “Sal y is known for her cookies?” Mary guessed.

  “Wel , to be fair, Sal y’s known for giving children cookies, but,” he lowered his voice so the

  children wouldn’t overhear, “she gets them from an old lady in her sewing circle who does

  nothing else but makes cookies.” They reached the front door and he knocked on it. In a louder

  voice, he told the children, “Don’t worry. She’l have cookies for you.”

  The children smiled in excitement.

  Mary glanced at their dog that sat and waited. “He doesn’t get one, does he?”

  “He does if the kids slip him one,” Dave replied.

  She should have known.

  The front door opened and Sal y squealed. “Wel , look who’s here!” She bent down and added,

  “I got some cookies for children who’ve been good. Have you been good?” Isaac and Rachel

  indicated they’d been good, so Sal y encouraged them to go to the kitchen. As the children ran

  down the hal way, she turned back to them. “David, why don’t you take Jasper to the backyard

  while I introduce Mary to April? You like April , Mary. Maybe seeing her wil spark a memory.

  Come on.”

  “I think I’l pay Joel a visit and come back in an hour,” Dave said. “Unless that’s not enough

  time.”

  “An hour wil be fine. Then you can have your bride back,” Sal y teased before she nudged

  Mary in the arm. “Sometimes he wants you al to himself.”

  “That’s not fair, Sal y,” Dave said with a wry grin. “I only wanted her to myself for one month

  after I married her, though I wouldn’t mind another month.” He kissed Mary on the cheek.