Lacey Luzzi: Spooked: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 6)

by Gina LaManna

  Clay ignored me.

  “Tell Lacey to check the box that says she’d run away from her problems,” Meg said. “On account of she just doesn’t show up half the time. That’s basically running away.”

  “One time!” I hissed.

  “Ever since you got a boyfriend.” Meg shook her head. “What happened to you?”

  “I’m right here,” Anthony said. “Is there a problem?”

  “Yeah, you.” Meg looked at him. “You are the problem. Leave my friend alone.”

  Anthony looked at me, stumped into silence. I’d never known him to be stumped.

  “Well, at least you called me a friend. That’s something,” I said. “Clay, thank Meg for calling me a friend.”

  “Not a best friend, though. Say that, Clay.” Meg smiled. “Plus, Carlos is my new best friend.”

  “I’m not.” Carlos scratched an answer so hard on his test that he tore through three layers of paper.

  “Come on, buddy.” Meg put her arm around his shoulders.

  “Get.” Carlos took a few breaths. “Your arm. Off. Of me.”

  Meg exhaled loudly and removed her arm. She punched my cousin on the shoulder. “Clay, are you up for the job of becoming my best friend?”

  Clay shrugged, his expression helpless.

  “Fill out your papers, and stop talking,” Nora said. “Now.”

  The room lapsed into silence under Nora’s hawk-eyes.

  I rushed through my answers, half reading each of them, scratching out my first gut response. I finished the test in record speed, taking the remaining time to glance up at the other guards.

  I took mental stock of all who had shown up – Fede, Dom, Carlos, Harold, Anthony – things became extremely more difficult once I ran through the list of guards who worked in the main house. The men that patrolled the grounds rarely introduced themselves, and if they did, well, I couldn’t remember their names. All dark hair, dark skin, medium height – heavy on the muscles, light on the sense of humor – they sort of blended together after a while.

  Watching for any suspicious behavior proved to be futile, as well. At best, the guards stared at their papers with a mildly annoyed expression. At worst, they watched me through hooded eyelids, as if plotting different ways to get sneaky revenge on me that wouldn’t turn Carlos against them. This strategy wasn’t working.

  “Nora,” I whispered, waving her over.

  “Yes, Lacey?” she asked with a frown. “You’re not supposed to talk to the proctor, you know.”

  “Just this once,” I said. “Can you do me a favor and make sure everyone puts a name on their exam and hands it in before they leave? It’ll, uh, help you to do a better analysis of the personality types here.”

  “That’s a good idea.” Nora rested a finger on her lips before shouting to the crowd. “Put your name on your paper and hand it in before you leave.”

  At least half the guards immediately stood up.

  “I didn’t say you could leave now.” Nora put a hand on her hip. “I want to go over the answers with you.”

  I scribbled my own name on my paper. My plan was to use these tests like roll call. I doubted that anyone’s answers would tell me anything – after all, it wasn’t even a real exam. Nora made the questions up. But at least I could compare the names on the test with the master list whenever Nora found it. I could then check on all the no shows. It wasn’t a great lead, but it was better than nothing.

  “When you’re done, set your pencil down,” Nora said.

  The sound of about fifty pencils set on paper rustled throughout the room.

  “My, that was fast. Now for the right answers.” Nora smiled, holding up her master test.

  “I didn’t think there were right answers,” I said to Anthony. “I thought the test was subjective.”

  He shrugged. “Apparently you thought wrong.”

  While Nora read through the “correct” personality test answers one by one, explaining the reasons for each of them, I jotted a note on the last page of my test.

  I need the name of the client.

  I folded the sheet of paper and passed it to Carlos.

  My grandfather’s lips turned into a thin line and he crumbled the note into a ball. He gave a quick shake of his head no without making eye contact.

  I wrote down another note.

  I’m running out of leads. Tomorrow is Halloween.

  Passing the note to Carlos earned me another shake of the head, the paper crumpled into another ball.

  A hint, I wrote this time, toying with the paper between my fingers.

  Before I even passed it to Carlos, I could imagine his response clear as day – how could a client ever trust me again if I gave up their name? Carlos valued loyalty above all; this was one front on which he’d never fold.

  Exasperation hit me, and I hadn’t even passed the note. This assignment was ridiculous. I was doing my best, and I doubted my best would be enough, even with Anthony’s help. How on earth was I supposed to flush out a mole within twenty-four hours? I wasn’t even sure a traitor was the correct guess. I had no clue what had happened.

  Oleg’s behavior and disappearance was alarming, whether or not he was involved. I didn’t trust Oleg, let alone his former employer. If Oleg was back in active duty and The Fish was near, I wasn’t the only person who had to worry. I’d venture far enough to say the entire Luzzi family needed to be on the lookout.

  I passed the note asking for a hint to Carlos.

  This time I earned a blink from him.

  He ripped off a sheet of his own paper, and for a moment, my heart rate increased as he wrote something on the paper, set it face down, and slid it back.

  Unfortunately, Nora caught him.

  “What do you think this is, the sixth grade?” Nora walked over, her arms crossed. “No cheating. No passing notes. I’ve had it up to here with you lot.”

  I looked down, clutching the note from Carlos in my hand. “Sorry.”

  “Hand it over.” Nora extended a hand and snapped her fingers. “Give it.”

  “Please, can I read it first?” I asked.

  “No,” Nora said. “I’m going to read it aloud as punishment.”

  “Please, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I glanced at Carlos, whose face had paled a few shades. “It’s not public information.”

  “If it’s not something that can be shared with everyone, then it doesn’t belong here.” Nora sniffed, raising her chin high. “This is a safe place.”

  “I wouldn’t read that aloud if I were you.” I forked over the note to Nora’s expectant hand. “It’s sensitive.”

  Nora unfolded the note, looked at it, her face falling in disappointment. “So boring. I thought it might be something interesting.”

  “What does it say?” I asked, torn between wanting to know what sort of hint Carlos had given me and wanting to make sure we didn’t give anything away to the general public. “Aren’t you going to read it aloud?”

  “No,” Nora said.

  “But you said—” I started.

  “It just says no,” Nora said, pursing her lips. “One word. That’s it. No drama at all.”

  “Ah,” I murmured, glancing out of the corner of my eye at Carlos. Of course he wouldn’t give me a hint. I suppose in this case it’d worked out for the better. If he’d given me a real hint, everyone else would know it by now, too.

  I sighed, giving up on the note passing idea and trying my hardest to listen to Nora’s explanation of how to tally up the personality points. It seemed completely arbitrary and didn’t make sense in the slightest, but I followed her instructions anyway.

  “All right, everyone done?” Nora glanced around without waiting for a response. “Now, there’s a few different personality types everyone can have. First, you’re either a D or a P personality type. D stands for demanding, while P stands for passive. Next, you’re either an I for introvert or an E for extrovert.”

  Nora paused while a few pencils scratched o
ut the letters of their profile, based on the rules made up by my grandmother.

  “Great. Now, the third letter is either C for Calculating, or S for Sensitive. The last letter is—” Nora paused, looking over at Meg’s waving hand. “Yes, Meg?”

  “Oh, I know the last letter!” Meg called out.

  “How?” Nora looked confused. “I made this all up.”

  “Yeah, but I guessed Lacey’s profile.” Meg said, a smile quirking up the corners of her mouth.

  I didn’t dare look at her.

  “Ooh, discussion. I love this.” Nora beamed. “What do you suspect Lacey’s personality type is?”

  “D for demanding. I for introvert. C for Calculating. K for…well, you know.” Meg gave a firm nod.

  I closed my eyes, seeing exactly where she was going with this.

  “Why the K?” Nora asked. “I didn’t have a K written down.”

  “Because Lacey’s profile spells D-I-C-K, which is what she pulled yesterday. A huge dick move, skipping out on our date.”

  “I didn’t skip the date,” I began to argue.

  “You’re a DICK profile, Lacey. Even your grandmother thinks so.”

  “She doesn’t think that! My personality is not demanding.” My hands pressed so hard against the table my knuckles began to turn white.

  “It’s true.” Meg turned to Nora, an apologetic expression on her face. “I hate to break it to ya, but your granddaughter’s a dick, I’m sorry.”

  “That’s not a personality type,” I said. “You can’t make up letters.”

  Anthony’s hand crept over mine, squeezing it tight.

  “I can too,” Meg said. “Your grandmother did.”

  “That’s true,” Nora agreed. “Lacey, are you a DICK personality type?”

  I blinked. “Auntie Nora, don’t say that word.”

  “What word?” She pursed her lips. “I’m assuming K stands for kindness. You’re kind, Lacey. It’s a compliment. You really are a dick.”

  “That’s not a compliment.” I sank my head to the table, banging it lightly. “Just…I’m done. I’ve got to get to show and tell.”

  “’Bye, dick,” Meg said.

  I stood up, ignoring her comment.

  “’Bye, dick,” Nora echoed.

  I turned back, catching most of the guards snickering into their tests. Even Anthony stared at me with an oddly contorted expression that said he was either constipated, or he was trying hard to hide a laugh.

  Carlos blankly held a staring contest with his test.

  “Leave your test, Lacey,” Nora said. “And put your name on it. I’m going to do a soul mate analysis.”

  “Soul mate analysis?” I asked weakly.

  Nora nodded. “I’ve created lists of personality types that I think will go perfectly together. Don’t worry, you have nothing to be afraid of. I’ll find the perfect match for your dick type.” She winked. “I’m sure it will work out for you.”

  Anthony paled.

  I groaned.

  “It’ll be good for the Luzzi business,” Nora explained. “I can have personalities that complement each other working at the same time. It should eliminate tension, butting heads, and the like.”

  “And if someone doesn’t have a soul mate?” I asked.

  “Don’t worry,” Nora said again. “Your DICK personality has a match, I’m sure of it.”

  I handed over my test without another word. “Great. This has been lovely.”

  “It really has,” Nora said, pleasantly gazing over my answers. “Thanks to Meg for the wonderful addition. I didn’t even think about adding a kindness factor to really round out the test.”

  I left the room without looking back, hearing the rustle of papers as the other guards passed their exams forward, probably anxious to get out of the room before they were assigned soul mates. As Meg, Nora, and I were the only women in the room, their chances didn’t bode well to be paired with a lady.

  I didn’t make it out to the car before I heard a voice behind me, the sound startling me out of my reverie.

  “I don’t think you’re a dick, you know,” Anthony said, appearing next to my shoulder like magic.

  “Wow, thanks,” I said, sarcasm heavy in my voice. I looked up. “That means a lot.”

  “Come on, forget about it,” Anthony said.

  “I can’t forget about it.” I unlocked the door to my Lumina and got inside.

  “What was that all about?” Anthony slid in the passenger seat without an invitation.

  “What, me being a…d-word?” I asked.

  “Yeah, that whole thing.”

  I paused before putting my keys in the ignition. “Meg hates me.”

  “I doubt that.” Anthony shook his head. “Meg just needs to calm down a little bit from whatever happened. She wouldn’t have showed up if she hated you, if she didn’t want to see you.”

  “You think?” I asked.

  “Of course. Do you wanna talk about it?” Anthony asked. “I’m assuming your meeting at the bar didn’t go well last night.”

  I shook my head and twisted the keys, bringing the car to life. “You wanna come with me to show and tell? I’ll explain on the way.”

  “Depends what you’re showing and telling,” Anthony said, leaning over the seat and resting his hand on my thigh. The warm kiss on my neck distracted me, until…

  “Crap!” I sat back, startling Anthony back into his own seat. “That reminds me. I forgot something to bring for show and tell. Hang on a second.”

  I pulled my phone out and quickly dialed my cousin. His creeper van sat behind me, and I crossed my fingers that he’d donate some doohickey to the cause. Marissa and Clarissa wouldn’t be very happy if I didn’t blow their minds like I’d promised yesterday.

  “Hey,” I said, cutting straight to the chase when he answered. “Do you have anything in your van I can borrow for show and tell? I forgot everything at home.”

  “My baby is always prepared—”

  “You’ve got to stop calling it your baby,” I interrupted.

  “What are you, a monster? My vehicle is not an it. It’s a she.”

  “Well, does she have something I can use?”

  Clay grunted. “You’ll owe me.”

  “Great, add it to my tab. Whatcha got?”

  “There’s a box in the back – the big brown one – it has a few lasers in it. The kids will love them, just make sure they don’t point them in anyone’s eyeballs. That’d be bad.”

  “Perfect, thank you,” I said, hanging up and leaping out of the car. Any more delays, and I’d be late. I didn’t think the school would appreciate tardiness, even if I was twenty years graduated from the class.

  Flinging open the door to Clay’s van – despite all his extensive security upgrades and features, he’d forgotten a few of the basics. The van could essentially fly, but it didn’t have heat, air conditioning or, apparently, locks.

  “What the heck?” I murmured to myself. The back of the van had no less than ten boxes stacked on top of one another. They were all big and brown. “Thanks a lot, Clay.”

  I spent a few minutes pilfering through the boxes, trying to find one that might contain lasers, before I gave up. All of the boxes were nearly identical, and I’d have to open them all to find it. Until I spotted one with a single word scribbled on the side: Experiment.

  This had to be it. The other boxes were probably parts for his car, part of Clay’s continual upgrade process. The van already out-performed most NSA, CIA, FBI, and other three-letter organizations, but that’d never been enough to make Clay happy.

  Nabbing the box, I rushed back to the car.

  “What’s in the box?” Anthony asked.

  “My show and tell,” I said, sliding it into the backseat and climbing into the front.

  Anthony’s gaze slid towards the container as I pressed the gas pedal and we pulled away from the estate. His eyes narrowed on the word scribbled on the side.

  “Are you sure it’s safe?�
�� he asked.

  “Supposedly, as long as the kids don’t point it at each other’s eyes,” I said with a shrug.

  “Sounds promising.” Anthony faced forward.

  “Best I could do on short notice, unless you’ve got something better?”

  Anthony gave a shake of his head. “I don’t do show and tell.”

  “Well…” I gave him a sly grin. “I beg to differ.”

  Anthony reached over, giving me a light tickle under the ribs, stopping his motion as the car swerved dangerously over towards the side of the road.

  “You don’t multi-task well, do you?” He winked at me.

  “What, tickling and driving? No.” I shook my head. “Next question.”

  “What happened between you and Meg?”

  I cleared my throat, not expecting his all-too-real question.

  “It’s really nothing,” I shrugged. “Like you said, she just needs to calm down. I apologized, I don’t know what else I can do.”

  “You can stop pretending it doesn’t bother you,” Anthony said. “It’s a good thing that Meg’s friendship is important to you. You don’t have to hide it.”

  “It doesn’t bother me,” I lied.

  “Your hands are trying to strangle the steering wheel. You’re upset, Lace.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Mm-hmm.” Anthony turned his head, watching the trees fly past the window. “You don’t have to talk about it. I’m just here if you need to.”

  “Thank you.” I debated explaining all that had happened last night, but since we had only fifteen minutes before arriving at school, I refrained.

  “And if you don’t feel like talking about that, I’d be interested to hear why you suddenly felt compelled to get involved with Marissa and Clarissa’s education.”

  “I’m their…well, sort of aunt. Cousin, I guess. I care about them.”

  Anthony laughed.

  “What? I do.”

  “Yes, of course you care about them.” Anthony shook his head. “But I’ve never seen you run faster than when Nicky asks you to babysit. And I worked as your gym trainer, so what is that saying?”

  “It’s saying I like them, just…from a distance.”

  “Exactly.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want to get into it now. Not enough time for either full story.”