by Linda Conrad
She hadn’t had time to be alone with him at all today, and he had headed off right after supper. But she was well aware of how short their time was and knew he felt the same. She could feel the tension between them growing.
This afternoon, she had sought out Nathan’s brother and begged him to speed up his search for somewhere she and Melody could go to be safe. She fervently hoped it would also be a place where she could earn a living for the two of them.
Derek had looked at her a little oddly but then said he’d been tracking down a place and he’d tell her all about it tomorrow. She had a day, maybe two, left. It had been everything she could do to gaze at Nathan over the supper table and not explode in tears.
And now she wanted him so badly she was becoming detached—unfocused. Her body craved his touch. Her mind felt desperate to hear him speak.
“Still hungry?”
She spun to the sound of his voice, hoping she was not dreaming. She was hungry for something, all right.
“I just can’t sleep.”
“Me neither. Are you in pain?”
Shaking her head, she poured herself a glass of cold water and shut the refrigerator door. “I feel remarkably better. Maybe tomorrow Dr. Black can come out and remove the stitches.”
The water trickled down her dry throat, but she still felt hoarse and tense. Just look at the man standing there…gorgeous…rugged and so sexy he made her whole body hum.
Naked to the waist, his jeans were unbuttoned and the zipper halfway down. The stubble on his jaw was dark and made him look almost dangerous. Her mouth watered. Her fingers flexed, compelled to touch. She put the glass down before she dropped it.
His eyes darkened, and she knew he was thinking the same thing. He wanted a kiss and probably a lot more. This desperation could be cooled only one way. But she was terrified to move—frozen to the spot from fear he would turn her away.
They both knew she would be leaving soon. And Nathan was not a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. If it came to that, neither was she—except she needed one more stolen night with this man.
He shook his head slightly as though he was arguing with her or maybe with himself. Then he said softly, “I need you. Now.”
Thank God.
He moved closer—close enough that she could feel the heat of his hard body just inches away from hers.
But the nearer he came, with that special look in his eyes, the more her body turned to mush. Her bones liquefied, and she could barely hold up her head.
Reaching out to steady herself by hanging on to him, she opened her mouth ever so slightly. Trying to drag in desperately needed air without letting him know, she thought she might die in another moment if he didn’t hurry up.
Just when she was sure he would never make a move, he murmured, “I…” He looked so frustrated and annoyed that she almost stepped back. “I can’t be gentle tonight. I need you—too much. Is that okay?”
“Very okay.”
She barely had the words out of her mouth when he scooped her up and turned, dashing down the hall to the guest bedroom. He kicked the door closed behind him and lowered her feet to the floor. But she couldn’t have moved if her life depended on it.
Apparently neither could he. He leaned in, pinning her to the door, and opened his mouth over hers, taking this seduction to another level. It was a level they’d never reached before…to something so hot that it sizzled and burned and nearly choked her with all the female hormones raging through her body. She felt her own climax beginning and forced it back. Not yet, please not yet.
Never breaking the kiss, he ripped at her nightgown and panties until they were mere shreds on the floor. As he lowered his jeans, he managed to touch her everywhere. Desire burst through her veins and rocked her backward.
Moments later, he reached the spot between her legs and groaned. “Wrap your legs around my waist.”
With both hands, he held her bottom and helped her into position. Hot, wet and light-headed, she wasn’t sure how this would work, but she didn’t care.
He pushed her back against the door and entered her in one quick thrust. She tilted her hips, and he drove deeper. Her head was swimming as she held her breath.
“Don’t move,” he said through gritted teeth.
She understood the sentiment and would’ve loved to comply—to make this go on and on. Trying to still, she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
His jaw was tight, his eyes were half-closed. His face full of desire—for her—was a sight she would love seeing again and again.
But this was her last chance, her last opportunity to revel in the feel of him inside her and focused solely on her pleasure.
“Susannah,” he breathed.
That clinched things. It was impossible not to grind her hips against his. She felt her own body betraying her—her internal muscles tightened around him, pulling him in.
He grabbed her around the waist and began to drive into her, moaning and cursing under his breath with the effort to hold back. But it was too late for that.
In a blur of thrusts, deeper and deeper, he plastered himself to her. Someone screamed. Her? And she called his name. Begging, pleading, she reached for that edge and dragged him along with her.
The climax hit her like a tornado, whistling in her ears like a marching band and surging through to her core, shaking her to her soul. It took her to that elusive spot…to the stars.
He bent his body and brought his mouth down on hers, swallowing her gasps and cries. With one last thrust, he brought his head up and growled, low and deep.
His climax took her over that edge again, and she joined him in one last drenching explosion.
For moments afterward, they tried to catch their breaths. She knew she couldn’t have moved if she’d wanted to. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to stay right here, sweaty and out of breath, forever.
“Wow,” she finally whispered against his neck. “That was…that was…”
“Amazing,” he finished for her. “I can’t believe I never even made it to the bed.”
“Didn’t hear me complaining.”
Carefully backing up, he shifted his hold on her and carried her to the bed. As he laid her down on her back, he murmured, “Give me another shot at doing it right?”
She’d give him another shot—or twenty or maybe a whole lifetime.
How was she ever going to manage her life from here on knowing what she knew now? They were so good together. They were perfect, in fact.
Swallowing the first sob, she smiled up at him. “We have all night.”
It was their last night.
Chapter 15
Out of breath again, Nathan gazed down at Susannah and couldn’t believe his good fortune. She was amazing. They’d been making love pretty much nonstop for the past few hours. He knew he could go on with this forever, but she must need sleep sometime.
He rolled over, taking her with him. She curled into his side and buried her face in his shoulder.
Looking at the ceiling, he let his pounding heart settle. He’d planned to say a few things to her tonight when they were alone. But words never seemed quite adequate while he was inside her and everything in the world was all right.
Perhaps after they both caught a little sleep would be a better time to talk—assuming he could keep his hands off her long enough.
Closing his eyes, he gloried in the wonder of holding a woman like this one—a woman he loved and who he knew loved him in return.
But then he heard a heartbreaking sound that pulled him wide awake with a thud. “Susannah, what’s wrong?”
She sniffed into his shoulder. “Nothing.”
“Oh, no, you don’t.” He sat up with his back to the headboard and dragged her along with him.
He’d heard her cry ecstatic, lustful tears earlier and knew the difference between then and now. “After what we’ve done together tonight, you and I should be able to say anything to each other. ‘Nothing’ is not much of an answe
r. Something is bothering you, and you owe me an explanation.”
His first impulse was to believe he’d done something wrong, not been good enough. Or maybe he somehow managed to hurt her despite how careful he’d tried to be.
But when he flashed back to the past few hours and the many times she’d come for him, at least twice for every one of his, he erased those fears. These tiny sobs were sad, emotional sounds.
“Are you hurting because you and Melody will be leaving soon? I can understand that. It makes me miserable, too, but can’t we talk about it?”
“We haven’t talked much,” she finally mumbled. “Not really. Not about things that matter. Of course I’m unhappy about leaving. But…but…I can’t go and not tell you how much you mean to me. How much I love you.”
The words startled him even though he’d guessed the truth days ago. This would be a good time for him to say those same words back to her. But he wondered if that wouldn’t make things infinitely harder on her. Wrenching her away from a man she knew loved her beyond measure seemed unnecessarily cruel. So instead of pouring out his heart, he remained silent. But he put his arm around her and drew her closer to his chest, protecting her always—even from his love.
“I know,” he mumbled. “Still, I’m not sure you trust me.”
“You’re a fine one to talk about trust,” she said through the sniffles. “You don’t trust that I love you enough. Do you? Is that because of your ex-wife?”
“That’s not fair.” Man, now he was sounding like a twelve-year-old again.
“All right.” He sighed when she folded her arms over her chest. “I have had a few issues with trust over my lifetime. Starting when my mother got sick and promised me she would be well enough to go to my grade school graduation.”
“Is that when she died?”
He nodded, though he wasn’t sure she could see him in the dark. “Three days before graduation. I never went. Her funeral was on the same day.”
“Oh,” she said softly and put her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Now that he’d said that much, he was on a roll. “And then my sister promised me faithfully she would never leave the ranch. That we would be buddies forever and take care of each other for good. We might each get married, but we’d bring our spouses to live on the ranch. No one would come between us.”
“Did she say that when you were both little? Right after your mother died?”
“Yeah. And it wasn’t long before she was riding off on the back of some guy’s motorcycle. She couldn’t be bothered with the ranch or even her own child.” Or with her promise to me.
“And then your wife left for the lure of Cold Plains. I can see how that would make it hard for you to trust me.”
“Not you.” He wanted to say all women, but that wasn’t strictly true. “Well, not lately. I’ve had a problem with trusting anyone. But since you’ve been here you’ve made me see things differently.”
Well, he’d had that one relapse when he discovered she was back in Cold Plains, but now might not be the time to discuss it. He knew the kind of panic he’d experienced that night was a thing of the past.
“So it’s not that I don’t trust you,” he added quietly. “I do. But now that I know you well, I can see you’ve been holding back. Not telling me everything. You know my faults.”
He laughed softly. “Pointed most of them out to me. But I don’t know anything at all about yours. Or your past before you took off with Melody’s father. I think you’re the one who doesn’t trust.”
“Oh, but my background isn’t important. Not like yours. It doesn’t mean anything.” Her whole life didn’t mean much when she thought of it.
The only thing Susannah felt she’d ever done that made a difference in this world was Melody. And as much as she loved her little girl and would die for her, she’d been an accident—not something Susannah had wanted or planned.
She’d stumbled into the best thing that had ever happened to her…typical.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop putting yourself down. You always do. Like you think you’re not worthwhile or something.”
“No, I don’t do that.”
“Sure you do. Putting yourself down was what made you vulnerable to Samuel Grayson. You believed that he could make you a better person. When actually you’re a thousand times better a person than he is or ever will be.”
“But…” Was that true? When she really thought about Samuel, maybe it was.
“And I have a feeling that same attitude is what led to your going off with a drug dealer you barely knew and getting yourself pregnant. You don’t believe you have anything to offer someone decent. But the truth is you have so much to offer.”
She wanted to complain, to tell him that wasn’t true. But then she thought back to the person she once was—before Nathan. Was that really the kind of person she’d been then?
“I… Maybe you’re right.”
“Tell me who you are—or were,” he demanded in a gentle tone. “Why don’t you have a family somewhere who can help you?”
She’d tried hard to forget, to deny her past. When she became pregnant and found Cold Plains, she’d been determined to change. Funny… By giving her life up to Samuel Grayson’s lies, she hadn’t changed at all.
She did owe everything to Nathan and his family. And though she hadn’t told this story to anyone ever, she should tell him. He deserved to know what kind of person he’d been harboring. He’d made all the difference in her life, and he wouldn’t know that unless she told him why.
“I suppose my mother and father are still alive—somewhere. But they wouldn’t help me to a drink of water if I was dying of thirst. I’m not sure I could even find my father. Or would want to.”
She drew in a breath and let it out. “Worse yet, I’m not positive I know my father’s real name. He ran out on my mother and me right after I was born.
“Crazy, isn’t it?” she added. “Melody’s father didn’t even stick around for that long. I thought I was in love with a man who turned out to be just like my father, when I’d always sworn never to do anything so stupid.”
But that wasn’t the worst. Lord, give her the strength to tell him all of it. She owed him that much, even knowing he would probably look at her with disgust from now on.
Nathan didn’t say a word. But he took her hand in his and locked their fingers, giving her strength to go on.
“I don’t know why my father took off. It doesn’t matter now. But my mother always blamed me. In her wildest ravings, she claimed they were happy until I came along. She said I was a terrible baby, crying all the time and sickly. And that I cost too much money to keep. And that’s why he’d left.”
Closing her eyes, she saw the first image of her mother that she could ever remember. A tall, cold woman, screaming about how terrible and no good a child she was, right in front of the neighbors.
“I worked hard to stay out of her way. I learned how to become a shadow when she was around. Still, if I needed her to sign a report card or give me permission to take a field trip, I usually ended up afterward in a crawl space in the attic, curled up so I could become invisible.”
“I’m sorry,” Nathan whispered. “How did you survive?”
“By believing what she said. I didn’t need anything because I was worthless. Everyone else got lunch money. I ate their throwaways. That was good enough for me. Other people had friends, but I didn’t deserve such luxuries.”
She didn’t mean to make her past sound so pitiful. It was bad, but others had it a lot worse. She hadn’t wanted to tell him the whole story at all. But she’d gone this far and couldn’t find a way to stop now. Please don’t let him turn his back when I’m done.
He squeezed her hand. “Didn’t you have any teachers who noticed your situation? No one who paid attention?”
“My mother remarried when I was in the second grade. To a career army man. Her treatment toward me never chan
ged, but from then on we moved from place to place a lot. I never got to know my teachers well enough for them to see what was going on. I wasn’t smart or particularly bad. I was easy to overlook.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t run away from home.”
“That’s what a strong person would’ve done. Or a smart person. I wasn’t either one. Besides, my mother had two more kids with my stepfather and didn’t treat them any better than she’d treated me. I was pretty useless, but I couldn’t leave my little brother and sister on their own, could I?”
“But you did. Eventually.”
“No.” She almost smiled at her stupidity. “They left me. I’d just turned nineteen when my stepfather accepted a transfer to Germany. I couldn’t be counted as a dependent, so I couldn’t go.”
“They left you behind?”
“It wasn’t so bad. At least I didn’t have to hear about how stupid and worthless I was from my mother anymore. I did worry about the little kids, though, for a long time. But in a few weeks I was struggling so hard to survive that I stopped worrying about anything.”
“What…” His voice was rough, low. “What did you do?”
“The only thing a girl with no training and no schooling could do.” Here it came: the worst of it. “I walked the streets.”
When Nathan didn’t say anything or even move, she wondered if he would hate her now. “I didn’t last long ’cause I wasn’t very good at that, either. I never enjoyed the company of men. Not until…you.
“And anyway, I almost starved to death,” she went on hurriedly. “Only managed a month or two until Melody’s father offered to take me in. He was on the road a lot and needed someone to…uh…be around when he needed a woman to take the edge off.”
“The drug dealer? Was he also your drug dealer?”
She took her hand back and bit her lip before she answered, “I never did drugs. I couldn’t afford them, and he didn’t want a meth head as a companion. Before I met him, it was all I could do to find food and a place to sleep.”
That explanation seemed a bit harsh. Of course Nathan would think the worst. Why not? So had she.
“I suppose if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Melody, I probably would’ve gone the drug route eventually. It’s one way of forgetting your circumstances.”