by Linda Conrad
“It’s one way to kill yourself, too.”
“Sometimes dead is better.”
She could feel the tears welling up again. Would they never stop? She swiped frantically at her eyes and begged them to go away.
“There you have it,” she said through pursed lips. “My story. Now, aren’t you glad I’m leaving?”
Nathan reached over and turned on the bedside light. The light was low, but it was more than she wanted right now.
“Don’t,” she said with a strain in her voice. “I’ll go back to the bedroom and Melody. But don’t look at me. Not now.”
She swung her feet over the side of the bed, turning her back on him and wondering what had happened to her clothes. She would hate to have to ask to borrow a shirt in order to make it back to her room. But she couldn’t go across the hall stark naked.
“Susannah.” He spoke so softly that she almost didn’t hear him.
But then he was standing right in front of her. “Look at me.” He put his hands on her shoulders and moved closer.
She didn’t want to face him, didn’t want to see the disgust in his eyes.
But she loved him enough to die for him. So she did as he asked and lifted her chin to look up at him.
The man was an amazing specimen. Standing there, it was easy to see he was tough but gentle. She hoped he wouldn’t hate her forever.
“Your story doesn’t make you sound worthless or stupid,” he said, gazing down at her with a tender look in his eyes. “It makes you sound like a survivor. I’m glad you told me. I’ve been frantic about you and Melody having to leave the ranch, worried the minute you left us behind you would become vulnerable to some other bad guy. Now, I’m a little less worried.”
He knelt before her and gazed into her eyes. “I dread the thought of you leaving, darlin’. I…”
His eyes filled, and he shifted his head as if to shake it off. Amazing. The man was so tenderhearted. The sight of him worrying about her ripped at her heart.
Her eyes filled again, too. “You’ve saved me from more than the Devotees. I don’t feel worthless anymore. You made me feel beautiful—and almost capable. Now I can believe I’ll be a good mother to Melody. And that’s all your doing. We’ll be okay. Thanks to you.”
He shook his head more forcefully now. “You did that by yourself. I only showed you one way to be different than you were. You took the ball and ran with it.”
“I’ll never forget you, Nathan. Not ever.” She leaned her forehead to his—unwilling to walk away from this wonderful man.
But she knew it was time. Everything had been said. If she was selfish and grabbed another extraordinary day with him, it could put him in danger.
He leaned in and covered her mouth with his. She poured her heart and soul into the kiss.
As the heat began to take them away to that incredible place they’d found together, she tasted salty tears. But when they broke apart to take a breath, she couldn’t be sure whose tears they’d been.
Oh, Lord, how would she ever do without this man?
The next morning dawned with her back in her room alone—except for Melody. She was going to have to learn to live with that from now on.
Today was the day she must find a place to go and prepare to leave. If she could, she’d like to be out of here first thing tomorrow. Determined but miserable, she dragged her heels getting herself and Melody dressed for the day, knowing the minutes were ticking away.
When she carried Melody into the kitchen, only Maria was there making breakfast. “There you two are,” she said. “Sit yourselves down at the table, and let me wait on you.”
“Just tea and maybe a piece of toast for me. Melody has had her breakfast.”
Maria set a mug of tea and a plate of biscuits and honey on the table in front of her. “Mind if I join you for a minute, honey?”
“Please do.” She dug into the food. She hadn’t thought she was hungry, but no one made biscuits like Maria.
“I wanted to say something before you leave,” Maria began. “You should know we’ll all be sorry to see you go. You’ve made a big difference around here—a big difference. And you’ll be sorely missed.”
Her hand stilled with the mug in the air as she tried to smile. “Thanks, Maria. But all of you were doing fine before me. You’ll get along just as well when I’m gone.”
“No, we won’t, sugar.” Maria patted her arm. “Before you and Melody came, this place felt like a graveyard. Everyone went around with their chins dragging to their chests. Hardly anyone talked to each other. Oh, Nathan and Mr. Pierce would yell sometimes. But no one said anything important. We weren’t really living. Just existing. I don’t know what we’ll do when you’re gone.”
It was the most she’d ever heard Maria say at one time.
Susannah had to swallow hard to speak. “I’ll miss you, too. But you know why I have to go.”
Maria stood up and pushed her chair under the table. “It don’t seem fair. All that talk about being a better person and those Devotees are anything but.”
She fisted her hands. “I’ve got work to do. I can’t be sitting around waiting for everyone to show up whenever they please. Mr. Pierce is the only one not fed yet. If he shows up anytime soon, tell him to help himself.” With that, she stormed out of the kitchen.
The next bite of biscuit stuck in Susannah’s throat. She’d lost her appetite.
“These are good people, Melody.” She turned to her baby in the convertible car seat Mr. Pierce had bought for her. “Maybe someday we can come back for a visit. I want you to get to know the people who saved your life.”
Taking a sip of tea, she listed the steps in her head that she needed to take to find a way to leave. First off, she would seek out Derek. The last time she’d seen him, he’d said he was onto something. Then she would spend some time with Sara and Kathryn. Kathryn was so smart; maybe she could think of some occupation where Susannah would be useful.
“Good morning, my pretty young ladies.” Mr. Pierce came into the kitchen and poured himself a mug of coffee. “No Maria this morning?”
“She said to help yourself. There are biscuits, and I think I spied sausages in the oven.”
“Danged headstrong woman. Good thing she bakes the best biscuits in the state.” He filled a plate and sat down beside her.
“You don’t mean that. I know she’s a little gruff sometimes, but then—”
“So am I?” He laughed. “Oh, Susannah, we will sure miss you.”
“You mean you don’t think I’ve been a big bother? Melody and I weren’t exactly invited guests.”
He stopped chewing and turned to her. “You’ve changed my whole life, girl. If I had my way, you’d never go anywhere.”
She felt the blush, and her first impulse was to say she hadn’t done much. But that would be against everything Nathan had made her believe in last night.
So instead of her usual denials, she only murmured, “Thank you. I’ll miss you, too.”
“You are welcome back here anytime. Nathan says you can’t be anywhere near the ranch for at least six months or so or you’ll be in terrible danger. But…”
His words just died out like he couldn’t manage another sound without choking.
She reached over and took his hand. “We’ll see each other again someday. I want Melody to meet you when she can remember.”
“You listen to me, girl.” His face was scrunched up as though he was about to explode. “You need anything. Anything. Anytime. You call me. You’re my special gal, and I’ll be there whenever you need me.”
Oh, dear. Here came the tears again. How was she ever going to leave this place in one piece if everyone kept saying such nice things?
Darn. Darn. Darn.
Chapter 16
“You called this meeting. What did you need?” Mr. Pierce settled back into his recliner and pinned Nathan with an affirming stare.
The words and the look seemed so unlike the father he’d known since hi
s mother died that Nathan was taken aback for a second. Everything and everyone around here had changed since Susannah and the baby arrived.
The ache in his chest grew by leaps and bounds. God, this was so hard.
“Susannah and Melody have to leave the ranch no later than tomorrow morning. Hawk says their being here will create a distraction for Samuel Grayson. It’ll drive him crazy until he has to get rid of them—one way or the other. And no one wants all-out war with the Devotees.”
Well, maybe he did. But he was too responsible for everyone else’s welfare to let that happen.
“I dunno,” his father began. “I wouldn’t mind taking a couple of potshots at a Devotee or two.” He grinned over at him, and Nathan felt closer to his old man than he had since he’d been a little kid.
He’d called this meeting for advice and maybe for a little bit of help. But learning everyone was behind him made him feel stronger already.
“Where’s Derek?” His father folded his arms over his chest. “He’s a part of this family, too. He should be included in this meeting.”
Kathryn sat forward in her chair. “He said he’d be here. I’m sure he’s just running a little late.”
“And Susannah?”
“Nathan asked me to have her sit with Sara and Melody while we conduct this meeting. She and I talked about the kind of things she might like to do this morning. She’s really a bright woman. Whatever we come up with, I’m sure she’ll fit in fine anywhere.”
“I don’t like this,” Mr. Pierce growled. “Not in the least. I can’t stand the idea of sending such a sweet girl and her baby off into the world alone. It don’t seem civilized.”
You and me both, Dad. “It’s not the way any of us wants things. But we have no choice.”
“Why don’t you go with her?”
Nathan ground his teeth with frustration. “Damn it, Dad, you know why. I have a ranch to run here.”
His father muttered an unrepeatable word under his breath. “You just get stupid sometimes. You know that, boy? What’s wrong with me?”
“You want to go with Susannah?”
“For pity’s sake. No, I don’t want to go with Susannah, but I can run this ranch—especially with Mac’s help.”
Nathan was about to argue the point. He’d held his negative opinions about his father’s capabilities for a long time. But on second thought, maybe those opinions had always been misguided, colored by his emotions. He was seeing his father in a whole new light these days.
“I guess you probably could do a good job. But that’s not the only reason I can’t go.”
“What else?”
“Sara. I can’t leave Sara.”
Kathryn leaned forward and frowned. “You think I don’t do a good enough job with your niece?”
“Oh, no.” Great, he was getting in deeper trouble every minute. “But Sara would never understand if I left. It’s going to be hard enough to explain when Melody and Susannah disappear. But I’ve been the person Sara has counted on her whole life, her one constant and dependable security blanket. I can’t just walk away from her.”
“Maybe you won’t have to.” Everyone turned at the sound of Derek’s voice.
His brother was lounging in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Nice of you to show up, brother.” No, no. Sarcasm was not a terrific way of getting help from your family. “Sorry, Derek. I’m a little uptight today. Did you have another idea?”
“As a matter of fact, I do. It’s taken me a while to line something up. But I got confirmation this morning.”
“What the hell are you talking about? We’re discussing my responsibilities, mainly toward Sara. You can tell us your idea for Susannah in a moment.”
“I think I’ve found the right answer for everyone involved, bro. You can thank me for it later.”
Susannah hadn’t seen Nathan all day, and the hours were slipping through her fingers. There was not enough time. But then, forever wouldn’t be enough time.
Maria had come out to Sara’s quarters a little while ago and told her Dr. Black had arrived and wanted to see her and the baby in her room. Maria stayed with Sara so she and Melody could go for a checkup. Hopefully the doctor would remove her stitches so at least she would be leaving the ranch with a clean slate.
She still didn’t have a clue where she would be going. But Kathryn and Derek had promised they would find a good place. It felt strange, learning to rely on others for her future again after trying so hard to make things happen on her own.
But she trusted these people to help—not force her into something bad or wrong.
“Now let’s take a look at that cut,” Dr. Black said after he gave Melody’s health a good report.
“I’m leaving tomorrow, so I sure hope you can take these stitches out today.”
“Well, we’ll see.” He began removing the bandage. “I’m sorry to hear you’re leaving. I assume you’re taking the baby with you. Is that right?”
“Yes, of course.” She suddenly remembered how sad he’d been on his first visit when he was looking for someone. “Did you ever find out anything about that woman and her baby you were asking about?”
“No.” He still seemed sad but didn’t appear to want to discuss it with her. “Well, look at that. Your skin has already knitted together. You must be a fast healer. I’ll be able to remove your sutures today.”
She sat still while he worked on her forehead. Finally, he stepped back and surveyed his work.
“It looks like you’re going to carry a scar from this. I did the best I could, but the wound was too jagged.”
She shrugged. “I’m not worried. I can start wearing bangs.”
What did she care? There wouldn’t be anyone around to be pretty for anyway.
The tears threatened again. She chastised herself. These waterworks had to stop. Everything was happening for a reason. And even after all he’d said, she still felt that Nathan would be better off without her in the long run. He wasn’t in as deep as she was. He could find someone else someday. She knew she never would.
This was happening the way it was meant to be.
“Is she going to live, Doc?” Nathan’s voice preceded him into the room.
Her heart stuttered as he appeared. It was so much easier to think of leaving when he wasn’t around to remind her of all she would miss.
“Probably for a very long time,” Dr. Black answered. “Unless she runs into another car explosion, that is.”
“Not to worry. No explosions of any kind where she’ll be going.”
The doctor chuckled as he packed up his bag. “Well, good luck to you.”
After the doctor left, she sat down on the edge of the bed. “What’s the news? Where will I be going?”
Nathan sat down beside her and took her hand. “Before I explain, I have something to say. To ask.”
His expression seemed so unfocused—not like Nathan at all.
“Okay.” She couldn’t imagine what was going on.
He cleared his throat. “Last night you said you loved me. Do you still feel the same way?”
Stunned, she nodded. “I…um…don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. But it’s all right. I understand that you don’t feel the same. I’ll learn to live with it. Don’t worry.”
“Quiet,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Just listen. As it happens, I do love you—more than I ever thought possible. I was wrong not to tell you before, but I thought it would be too hard on you knowing you had to leave a man who might just perish from missing you.”
“You…what?” Had she heard him right?
“I love you, Susannah Paul. And I love Melody. And I want to spend the rest of my life telling you both that. I will make you a promise. Not another day will go by that you won’t know how much you are loved.”
“How? On the telephone? I don’t want that for you. It’ll be too hard. Find someone else, Nathan—someone who can stand beside you on the ranch you love.”
As much as she thrilled to hear him say the words, she hurt for him. Something that had been the hardest thing she’s ever done just became impossible.
“You’re not listening.” He bent his head and lasered a quick kiss across her lips. “Keep that pretty mouth closed for a second. I won’t be saying I love you on the telephone but in person. In bed. Every morning. And every night. I’m going with you and Melody. That is if you agree to the plan and want me.”
Not want him? It would take a thousand years or more to explain how much she wanted him.
“Wait a minute.” She shook her head. “What plan? What about the ranch? What about Sara?”
“My father has agreed to run the ranch until we can return. I don’t expect the Devotees will be here forever. Someday they’ll go. And when they do, we’ll be able to come home.”
She thought of Sara, how vulnerable and sweet she was. Susannah couldn’t stand the thought of Sara being without Nathan. It might kill the little girl.
“But what about…?”
“Sara? Derek and Kathryn came up with an idea. I guess it was mostly Derek’s plan. He’s certainly surprised me.”
“What’s his plan?”
“Well, Kathryn’s been concerned for some time that Sara wasn’t getting the best treatment here on the ranch. She told Derek about some special treatments for autism that she’d read about, and he looked into them.”
“But Kathryn is so good with Sara.”
“Yes, she loves her—almost as much as I do. But she also knows her limitations. Out here away from civilization, Kathryn can’t try any of the new treatments or medicines they’ve come up with in the past few years that might help Sara.”
“Oh, but Sara can’t leave the ranch. It’s all she’s ever known. What would she do without you and Kathryn?”
Nathan grinned. “You love Sara, too, don’t you?”
“Certainly. Why?”
“Because Derek found a special medical center and school in the northeast where they are having miraculous results with autistic children like Sara.”