A Mother For His Child

by Lilian Darcy

  ‘Hang on tight,’ she told him, and threw the throttle up to full as soon as they’d cleared the end of the dock.

  ‘How long will this take?’

  ‘To get across? I’ve never done it at this speed. I’m hoping no more than ten minutes. Will, I’m really scared about this!’

  ‘Is he a kid that has acute attacks? Seems strange they don’t have a nebuliser.’

  ‘No, that’s the thing. It’s the silent kind that builds gradually over a period of days. He’s fine most of the time, just if he gets a bad cold…I mean, he’s never been this bad. I don’t think Sharon’s ever seen a need to take his asthma seriously before. And now she’s panicked and broken her ankle—’

  ‘You forgot to mention that.’

  Maggie swore.

  ‘It’s OK. I put my bag in, just in case, and it has a length of bandage. We can bind it, give her some painkillers.’

  ‘I’m not stopping to do that. We’re getting him straight into the boat and you’ll treat him while we go. Oxygen, epinephrine and a bolus aminophylline, IV. We’ll skip the nebuliser if he’s as bad as he sounds. That might have helped twenty-four hours ago.’

  ‘I’ll treat Sharon’s ankle, too, if I have time. I’ll have to carry her down…’

  Maggie hit the wake of another boat and they cleared the water, smacked down hard then leapt into the air again. The wind had strengthened as they neared the middle of the lake and the water was getting choppier. She felt Will’s hand come to rest tightly on her thigh.

  ‘Maggie…’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said through clenched teeth as she fought to keep to their course. ‘I’m not slowing down.’

  ‘I’m not asking you to. But I want to take the wheel. Give yourself a break, or you won’t have the strength on the way back. It’s rough out here today.’

  She nodded and slid across, ceding control. He’d had far less experience with boats than she had, but you wouldn’t have known it from the way he directed the little vessel, fast and arrow-straight towards the point on the opposite shore that she’d shown him. It seemed farther away than it had when they’d started. This lake was like that. Distances were deceptive. Ten minutes had been optimistic, she realised.

  As Will had done, she put her hand on his thigh. Kept it there as she told him, ‘I’m glad you’re here. If I’d still been on my own, this would have been hopeless. Will, I’m so scared! I suggested Sharon get a nebuliser for him, but she—You know, people don’t get around to it, and they’re not cheap. I should have pushed!’

  ‘You’re not scared, Maggie. Fear isn’t a useful medical tool today. You’re the bravest woman I know.’

  ‘Oh, yes?’ She laughed roughly.

  ‘Yes! Who else would—?’ He stopped and began again. ‘A lot of people wouldn’t still be…well, speaking to me even, and giving me so much, after what I’ve said to you about my needs. I wish I could give you more in return. The only courageous thing I can do is be honest about it, whereas you…’

  ‘It’s all—No, I guess it’s not all right,’ she answered. ‘Not totally.’ She took a deep breath. ‘There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you, Will, and for some reason now feels like the right time.’

  ‘Go ahead. I’m listening.’

  ‘I don’t know what you think about the fact that Mark and I didn’t have a child. Most people think it’s because we didn’t want to. That maybe even one of the attractions for me was that he was older and didn’t want kids, so we could have that sedate, childless kind of life. But that’s not how it was. We were talking about it. He knew I wanted a baby. And he was willing. No, more positive than that. He was getting happy about it. Excited. His cancer was diagnosed just when we’d decided to start trying. I don’t know if that makes any difference, if that can convince you that I really ache for you to let me love Daniel, Will, and have him in my life as a part of what I have with you…’

  She stopped, her voice so husky that she couldn’t speak.

  ‘I’m a little off course, aren’t I?’ Will’s voice was scratchy, too. At first she thought it was a cryptic reference to what she’d just said, but then he added, ‘That’s the house, over there, right?’

  ‘Yes.’ She took a steadying breath, realised that they were nearing the shore now. ‘Let me take the wheel again—I’ll be quicker at getting us alongside their dock.’

  He slid across, then said quietly, ‘I don’t know if it makes a difference, Maggie.’ She eased the throttle down, reducing the volume of noise, and he added, ‘I’d like it to. I’m not happy that you’re not getting what you want out of this. But I can’t pretend.’

  There was no time to continue this. ‘If you can jump out,’ she said, ‘I can toss you this rope, and you can just throw it over the post, OK?’

  She pulled the throttle down to idling speed and eased alongside the dock. At the top of a crooked flight of wooden steps, the Muhlers’ small house looked silent, but as they approached, Maggie heard Sharon’s voice.

  ‘Dr Lawless, is that you?’

  ‘Yes, and Dr Braggett. How’s Jamie?’

  ‘He’s still getting worse. He’s so listless now.’

  Will didn’t waste time on etiquette. He pushed open the door just ahead of Maggie. ‘I’ll carry him straight to the boat and come back for you, Sharon. Don’t try and walk.’

  In seconds, he had the seven-year-old boy in his arms. Maggie realised she was useless anywhere but in the boat. She hurried back down ahead of him and began preparing equipment, medication and a sheltered place for Jamie to lie in the bottom of the boat. The wind was sharp and the sky was cloudy. It couldn’t be more than around forty degrees Fahrenheit.

  The child wasn’t wheezing, and that alarmed her more than laboured breathing would have done. It meant that not enough air was going in and out to create the characteristic asthmatic sound. They had to get his airways opened up, which meant setting up an oxygen mask and an IV and getting fluid and drugs flowing into him in less than ideal conditions. She was right about the nebuliser no longer being of use, and she wasn’t prepared to wait until they hooked up with the ambulance on the opposite shore to start the stronger drugs Jamie needed. She knew Will wouldn’t want to wait either.

  He took over Jamie’s treatment as soon as he’d settled Sharon in the boat, and Maggie untied their mooring and pulled away as fast as she dared. ‘If this is too rough, Will…’

  ‘I’ll let you know. So far, we’re OK.’

  Sharon said nothing. She was white with pain, and her arm was stretched uncomfortably so that she could hold Jamie’s hand. ‘We’ve got medicine for you now, Jamie,’ she managed at last. ‘Just lie still, OK? This is much better than the inhaler. Dr Braggett is going to put a needle in your arm.’

  Maggie stopped trying to see what Will was up to. The water was even rougher now, and she had to give her whole focus to making this journey as smooth and as fast as possible. He’d been right to take the wheel earlier. Her arms were aching already, and the low white cloud created a glare which hurt her eyes.

  By the time they neared her dock once more, Will had the IV running with two vital drugs and an oxygen mask over Jamie’s face.

  ‘Better,’ Sharon was saying shakily. ‘That’s better, isn’t it, Jamie? You’re going to be fine…’

  ‘Here are some pills for the pain, Sharon,’ Will said. ‘And I’ve got time to bind the ankle for you, just enough to keep it immobilised until you can get it properly splinted at the hospital.’

  He was fastening the bandage when Maggie moored the boat, and she could see the ambulance waiting in the parking area in front of her house. In less than a minute the paramedics had taken over, after Will’s rapid summary of the treatment he’d already given. With luck, Jamie would be all right now, but he would need careful monitoring of blood gases and heart and lung function.

  She was going to be late for Alison, Maggie realised, looking at her watch.

  ‘I’m going to be late for Daniel,’ Will said,
and the near-echo of her own thoughts jarred her.

  Everything felt like such a mess. Their talk, out on the lake, hadn’t been enough. She was tempted to tell him about Alison’s strange call and request to meet, but this wasn’t the moment. Later, after it was over.

  CHAPTER NINE

  WHEN Maggie arrived at the Craigiemoor at four o’clock, Alison was pacing the lobby, as if she’d been too restless to wait in her room. She wore a drinks-at-the-golf-club-type outfit in neutral cream and beige, and she didn’t appear to have put on an ounce of weight or gained a single wrinkle since they’d last met.

  They hugged a little awkwardly, and Maggie told her old room-mate truthfully, ‘You look fabulous!’

  Alison shrugged. ‘It’s not hard if you work at it.’ Then she smiled to take away the subtle suggestion that maybe Maggie didn’t work hard enough, and hugged her again. ‘This is so great! How did we let so much time go by?’

  ‘It just, kind of, happened, I guess,’ Maggie said lamely.

  She has an agenda, she thought. This isn’t just ‘catching up’, and she can’t manage to hide the fact.

  She continued aloud, ‘Should we try the terrace here?’

  Just beyond the lobby was a semi-circular glassed-in terrace bar, filled with natural light even on this dark October day. Several groups and couples sat there, having tea or something stronger.

  ‘No.’ Alison shook her head decisively. ‘There’s a kind of pub downstairs. It’s more private. We’ll go there, shall we?’

  She didn’t wait for yes or no, and led the way down a set of stairs to a cosy place which had only just opened for the evening. They were the only people there.

  ‘White wine?’ she suggested at the bar, and Maggie agreed, then was a little taken aback to hear Alison order, ‘A glass of Chardonnay and a coffee, thanks. A latte.’

  I’d have had coffee for preference. I thought Alison was having wine, too.

  It was time to wrestle back a share of control. As soon as they’d sat down at a small corner table with their drinks, Maggie said, ‘I’m in practice with your ex-husband now, Alison. I have to confess, it hadn’t occurred to me until now that you might have a problem with that. I assumed he wouldn’t have approached me if you did, but now I’m starting to wonder. Is that why you’ve come? It’s got to be a seven-hour round trip from New York City. Too much effort for a quick coffee.’

  ‘Look, no, it’s not that at all, Maggie,’ Alison answered. ‘I couldn’t be more pleased that you’re in practice with Will now.’ She dropped her voice. ‘You see, I need your help. I need you to tell me what’s really going on.’

  ‘Don’t you want to see them yourself?’

  Alison shook her head decisively. ‘It’s gotten past that. I can’t handle the idea of seeing Daniel now. I just wanted to make sure…You see, there’s a lot you don’t know.’

  She launched into a long, rambling and emotional speech, and Maggie listened, appalled, for some minutes. Alison used the word ‘conspiracy’ twice, catalogued intimate details of the breakdown of her marriage to Will that deserved to remain private, and claimed that Will wasn’t medicating Daniel as he needed.

  ‘Medication?’ Maggie echoed. ‘I didn’t know he needed medication for his condition!’

  ‘Oh, of course he does!’

  ‘What medication?’

  ‘It’s standard. Specialists routinely prescribe exactly this drug therapy for attention deficit disorder, but Will refuses.’

  ‘Daniel doesn’t have ADD,’ Maggie said blankly.

  Instinctively, she ran through the list of typical symptoms and tried to match them against the little boy she was getting to know and wanted so much to be allowed to love. Distractable, impulsive, impatient, hyperactive, over-emotional. None of them fit.

  But Alison’s face had closed.

  ‘I’m talking about outcome, about what gets results,’ she said. ‘Maggie, I need you to keep an eye on the situation for me. I don’t want him back.’ It wasn’t clear if she meant her ex-husband or her son. ‘It’s gone past that. But I need to know you’re on my side. That’s why I didn’t want to let you know I was coming. You might have talked to Will. Don’t talk to Will! I don’t trust him. I need to know that you don’t take everything he says at face value. And if there’s anything going on that I should know about, I need to know that I can rely on you to tell me.’

  ‘You’re asking me to spy, and go behind my practice partner’s back?’

  ‘Don’t put it like that.’ She touched Maggie’s hand across the table. ‘You always used to stand up for me when he was giving me grief.’ She gave a pale smile. ‘A lot of times over the past couple of years I’ve thought that I should have taken a lot more notice of your opinion back then.’

  ‘Will has matured,’ Maggie blurted. ‘He’s not twenty any more. I have enormous respect for him now.’ She hugged the fact of their affair to herself, wondering about her own loyalties.

  Alison smiled again. ‘Of course he’s matured. He’s a very clever man. Just…be on my side, Maggie, that’s all I’m asking. You’ve been such a good, loyal friend.’

  There it was, that word ‘loyal’ again. Maggie stood up suddenly, without knowing she was going to do it until it happened.

  ‘No,’ she said, her voice clear. ‘No, that’s not right. I’ve always thought it was loyalty. I’ve used that word, too. But it’s not that. I’ve stood up for whoever I thought was right, that’s all. That’s where my loyalty lay. To what was right.’

  It wasn’t a particularly elegant speech, and her cheeks were hot with emotion. She was appalled to discover how difficult and illogical and self-centred Alison seemed. If the protective cocoon that Will had wrapped around himself and Daniel was as a result of his ex-wife’s behaviour, it suddenly made much more sense.

  Alison was watching her, still smiling in a polite sort of way that suggested she was patiently waiting for Maggie to see the error of her ways. Then she started to cry, very neatly, with a handkerchief pressed to her face.

  ‘Oh, it’s all so stupid and messy, isn’t it?’ she said. ‘If only Daniel had been normal!’

  ‘Alison, he’s a darling little boy…’

  ‘If he’d been normal, everything would have been fine. You’re not a parent, Maggie. You can’t know what it’s like when two people both passionately want what’s best and safest for their special child, and have totally opposite views on how to achieve it.’

  Maggie nodded tightly. ‘You’re right, of course. I’m not a parent. Maybe it’s a situation that no one can understand unless they’ve been through it.’

  ‘Yes, exactly. I’m not trying to—to play games. I’m just asking if we’re still friends.’

  ‘Yes, we are.’ So far as that went. ‘But I won’t go behind Will’s back. You need to know that up front.’ She took a breath. ‘Alison, I have errands to run…’

  Hallowe’en candy to buy, for a little boy in a brown velvet kangaroo suit. Would Will bring Daniel along to her place for Trick or Treat? Maggie suddenly felt an urgent need to see both of them.

  ‘Of course,’ the other woman said. ‘I won’t keep you. But I’ll call, now that we’ve re-established our old rapport. And I’m getting married again soon. I hope you’ll make it to the wedding.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ Maggie promised, feeling that this meeting now bordered on the surreal. Out of sudden concern for Alison’s underlying emotional health, she asked, ‘How’s your work going? We haven’t talked about that.’

  ‘It’s very good,’ Alison said with visible satisfaction. Her whole face had changed. She rose as she spoke and they walked together out of the bar and up the stairs. ‘It’s where I’m at home, Maggie, does that make sense? I’m in control, and I know what I have to do. This other stuff…’ She trailed off. ‘We won’t be having any children, Brad and I. He has two grown kids already from his first marriage, and we’re both very happy not to have to consider that dimension in our relationship. It’s too scary. You and M
ark probably felt the same way, with his age.’

  ‘Yes, that’s the general opinion,’ Maggie murmured.

  ‘I never should have had Daniel at all. I never would have, if I’d known.’

  In the middle of the elegant lobby, she gave Maggie another hug. Her slim body felt stiff and a little jittery.

  ‘Are you giving a paper at the conference?’ Maggie asked.

  ‘Yes. Tomorrow afternoon.’ Alison launched into a brief and very technical description of its subject, which Maggie just managed to follow, since it wasn’t her field of expertise. ‘It’s a very exciting area of research,’ Alison finished.

  ‘Good luck with it.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Her smile was bright and automatic. She looked at her tiny gold wristwatch and repeated, ‘Thanks…’

  On her way across to the parking lot, the cold air struck fresh and very welcome on Maggie’s cheeks. It was after five o’clock and nearly dark. She quickened her pace. She had Hallowe’en candy to buy. Lots of it. She hoped she wasn’t too late, that lots of children would still troop up her front steps tonight, and that Daniel would be one of them.

  Ghosts, goblins and ghouls, vampires and villains, princesses and pumpkins. The supply of chocolate bars in Maggie’s basket was dwindling rapidly and it was just on six when she finally spotted the brown velvet kangaroo she’d been looking for. The costume was a little too big, and Daniel looked as if he was drooping inside it now. Will held up the fat tail at the back like a bridal train as they came along the grass between Maggie’s house and her neighbour’s.

  The child was absorbed in examining the contents of his candy basket, but the man caught sight of Maggie sitting snugly on the steps and waved at once. She waved back, and hugged her coat more tightly around her. The very sight of him made the blood turn to melted chocolate in her veins, and her heartbeat had already quickened. How much longer could she go on loving him like this when she was like a child outside a toy-store window at Christmas, only looking in at the bright treasures inside…?