Unfortunately, he’d only proven the difficult man right, not himself.
And yesterday, Jesse had lost the best thing he’d ever had.
He stared out the window into the iron-gray sky and swirling snow, wishing he’d never been born, wishing he knew what he could’ve done differently to have prevented this hurt for both of them.
* * *
Just after the last stop before Calvin, Jesse excused himself to the washroom.
Pete leaned close to Erin before he’d even gone out of sight. “You gotta forgive him, Miss Erin. He’s torn up, can’t you see it?”
The boy was intuitive, compassionate. He would make a fine man one day. She tried to smile and failed as misery swept over her. “I don’t know if I can, Pete. He lied to me.”
He opened his mouth, probably to remind her that they’d both lied about being brothers.
“Worse than when you both let me think you were brothers.”
Was there really a worse or better kind of lie? A lie was a lie. She’d wanted to escape her father’s machinations, and only found herself in a situation just as false.
“How come you can forgive me, then?”
“Because—” You didn’t know any better, she started to say but bit down on the words without saying them aloud.
Based on what she had discovered about Jesse’s childhood and his stormy growing-up years, she knew he hadn’t believed he’d had a choice.
Even with such a flimsy excuse, she couldn’t erase the betrayal she felt. How could she trust a man who admitted he’d only approached her in order to steal from her?
She couldn’t.
The conductor came through, announcing the last stop, and Jesse returned to his seat, his eyes suspiciously red-rimmed.
She realized he was upset. Had been upset since last night, even before they’d talked, felt much more than he was showing.
But she couldn’t deny the way she felt now. She couldn’t risk getting hurt even more by allowing the relationship to go on.
The train slowed and pulled into the small rail station. Through the window, Erin could see it was completely different from the large depot she’d left in Boston, with only a small outdoor platform and a shack at one end where she assumed the ticket agent was located. A few people waited on the platform and she strained her eyes trying to locate her brother, but the blowing snow prevented her.
Pete proudly carried her satchel in front, and Jesse followed her down the aisle. Only a few people got off the train, and only two appeared to be waiting to get on. Erin stepped onto the platform and gazed around at this place her brother claimed to have fallen in love with.
There wasn’t much to it. It was much smaller than Cheyenne, where the train station had been surrounded by businesses—the train station in Calvin was at the very edge of town. And the town itself was one main street with business on it and a couple of smaller side streets with homes on them.
The surrounding area was flat, probably good for cattle, until she caught sight of the mountain range in the far distance.
It was somewhat like she expected, but in some ways there was no imagining the reality of such a small town when she’d never been out of Boston.
Pete and Jesse seemed to share some of the same sentiments as they stared around them.
“Ain’t much to it, is there?” asked Pete.
The train whistle blew and it began chugging forward out of the station.
“Erin?”
A shout from the far edge of the station turned all three of them. Chas stood tall in the swirling snow, another figure—a deputy?—half a step behind him.
She rushed forward, and Chas opened his arms and she threw herself into his embrace.
“You came to meet the train,” she cried.
He hugged her tight and then set her on her feet and leaned back to look at her. “I’ve come every day since Tuesday, when you were supposed to arrive. Father—”
“—wired you,” she finished along with him, with a roll of her eyes. “I suppose I should be thankful you had enough faith in me that I would arrive in one piece.”
“Hmm. It seems you finally did,” he said, staring with narrowed eyes behind her. “And who is this?”
“A friend,” came Jesse’s voice. “Jesse Baker. And my... Well, this is Pete.”
The two men shook hands and sized each other up. Pete returned her satchel, and she took a moment to hug him.
“We’re going to catch a return train to Cheyenne,” Jesse explained, still speaking to Chas. “Just wanted to see Erin safely to her family.”
“There might not be another train through today,” said the person behind Chas and, to Erin’s surprise, it wasn’t a male voice.
“Danna?” she asked.
The other person stepped forward and tipped their Stetson back, and it was Erin’s sister-in-law, wearing trousers and a men’s coat with her tin star pinned on the lapel.
“It is you,” Erin exclaimed, reaching to embrace her sister-in-law.
“Chas wouldn’t let me wear the trousers in Boston—said it would cause too many heads to turn—but this is my standard attire here,” the taller woman said with a chuckle. “We’re glad you came.”
“He was probably right—you would’ve caused a stir. Where’s my niece?”
“At home,” Chas put in. “Katy, the teen girl we’ve taken in, is watching her. We weren’t sure if the train would be delayed and we didn’t want Minnie out in the cold for too long. Do you have a trunk?”
“Yes, that’s it there.” She pointed to where the baggage handler had deposited her trunk moments ago.
“I’m Danna O’Grady. Marshal in these parts,” Erin’s sister-in-law said, stepping forward and reaching out to shake Jesse’s hand and then Pete’s.
“You’re...really a lawman?” the boy asked, eyes wide.
“Yes, I really am.”
“Excuse me a moment,” Jesse said, making tracks for the shack across the platform.
“You can shoot guns and chase outlaws?” Pete practically vibrated with excitement.
“Better than me,” came Chas’s voice again, strained a little this time as he trudged past them, lugging Erin’s trunk toward a waiting wagon on the street. “She chased down a band of bank robbers almost on her own,” he called over his shoulder.
Erin watched Danna’s cheeks fill with color even as her eyes lit with happiness. She mashed her hat farther down on her head. “He’s a little biased.”
Erin grinned. “He’s proud of you. Even back in Boston he walked around telling everyone about your exploits. Our aunt nearly had a conniption when he described some of your shoot-outs.”
“Well, I’m behind the desk a lot more now that Minnie has arrived. Chas and the other deputies are able to handle most disputes and such these days.”
“The marshal was right,” Jesse said, rejoining their group as Chas approached from the opposite direction. “Next train back to Cheyenne’s not until tomorrow morning.”
“We’d offer to let you stay the night,” Danna started, and Erin’s heart thudded uncomfortably in her chest. “But we’ve just built the three rooms, and with both Erin and Katy there we’ll be full-up as it is. Maybe the barn? It’s plenty warm with the horses in there.”
Pete glanced from one adult to another. It was clear to see he was keen on the idea.
Erin half turned her head and her eyes met Jesse’s, all that was left unsaid passing between them. She could see he recognized her discomfort with the idea. He half smiled sadly. “That won’t be necessary. Is there a hotel...?”
The marshal shook her head. “I’m afraid not. There’s been some interest from the town council in attracting someone to build one, but...” She shook her head. “But that’s neither here nor there. We do have
a boardinghouse, two blocks over and turn on First Street. It’s a two-story white house.”
“C’mon, kid,” Jesse said gruffly. He cuffed Pete’s shoulder and they turned together toward the street. “Goodbye, Erin O’Grady.”
“Bye, Miss Erin,” Pete called over his shoulder, giving her one last morose look.
She clutched her satchel to her middle, hesitating. She couldn’t ignore Jesse’s betrayal, but neither could she let things end this way, with only a paltry goodbye passed between her and the man she’d come to care about.
“I’m sure you want to get in out of the cold,” Chas was saying, but she waved him off.
“Will you— I just need one more moment,” she blurted and then raced after Jesse and Pete. “Jesse—wait!”
* * *
Jesse whirled at Erin’s cry, heart thundering in his ears in anticipation and renewed hope. Had she reconsidered?
“I’ll go on ahead,” Pete murmured and faded away as Jesse’s vision filled with the woman he felt so much for.
As she drew near, he saw that her usually open expression was still conflicted, and his heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. She wasn’t coming to him to forgive what he’d done.
A glance over her shoulder revealed her brother and his lawman wife standing at the foot of the train platform, watching with interest.
“I can’t—” She shook her head, and when she looked back up at him, her eyes were filled with tears.
His own chest felt painfully tight, as if he couldn’t draw a full breath.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t forget what happened between us—”
It was killing him, watching her hurting. “Don’t be sorry,” he choked out. “It’s my fault. All of it. I wanted—” Now it was his turn to shake his head, swallowing hard to keep his own tears at bay. He didn’t want to compound her pain.
Over her shoulder, he saw the brother attempting to come toward them, but his wife stalled him with a hand on his arm. Jesse stuffed his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching for Erin.
“It’ll be better if you can forget me.”
She bowed her head, struggling for composure, squeezing her eyes tightly closed. “I don’t know if I can do that, either,” she whispered. “You’ve touched my heart...”
Did that mean she still felt something...anything for him? An invisible fist squeezed his heart. He wasn’t above begging. “Erin, please...”
Tears rained down her cheeks. “Jesse...”
Not caring if the brother came over and arrested him, he reached for her and she came willingly into his arms, wetting his shirt with her tears for the very last time.
“Erin,” he breathed into her hair, his own eyes suspiciously wet. “I wish I could take it back—all of it. I wish we could’ve met in some other situation, some other life, where we might’ve had a chance.”
She pushed on his chest and he released her, though his hands wanted to linger, he stuffed them in his pockets again.
“I can’t give you my heart, but I want you to have this.” She pushed a book—her Bible—at him and he fumbled to get his hands out of his pockets to take it from her.
“Erin, I can’t take this—”
“It’s the only Christmas gift I have to give you.” She swiped her eyes, then looked up at him and he knew this was the last chance he would have to look in her crystal-blue eyes.
“There is so much more in here than the story I read on the train,” she said, eyes beseeching him. “Truths that will set you free.”
Free.
He’d thought he’d be free when he’d got out of prison, but the guilt of Jim’s death had weighed on him. Same as Daniel’s death still weighed heavily.
He would never be free.
He reached forward with one hand and touched her jaw, thumb brushing her cheek. I love you. He wanted to say it so desperately, but clenched his teeth against the desire to speak the words.
Instead, he said, “Goodbye.” And turned to follow Pete.
Chapter Twenty
Christmas morning, shortly after dawn, Erin stood in the bedroom doorway of Chas and Danna’s little cabin, looking out on the kitchen and main living area. She didn’t know where her sister-in-law was, but Chas stood in his sock feet in the kitchen, holding the baby close to his chest and talking to her. Or maybe he was talking to the gangly mutt of a dog that seemed to follow him around everywhere and was currently lying across the kitchen rug at his feet.
She’d never imagined her brother as a tender father, cooing soft nothings at his little girl. Seeing it brought tears to her eyes.
It seemed like everything made her cry these last two days.
She felt torn open inside, like she’d lost a huge piece of herself when she’d said goodbye to Jesse.
Seeing Chas and Danna so happy with their growing family made her think about what it would’ve been like to be married to Jesse and eventually have a family with him.
But she kept coming back to the conclusion that she wouldn’t be able to trust him. How could she, when he’d done the same thing to her that her father had done?
As she watched, Danna came in through the outside door and went to Chas and the baby.
“Say ‘hullo, Mama,’” Chas said in a baby voice, waving Minnie’s hand. Danna stepped closer and they embraced for a moment, the baby between them.
Erin had to look away.
“Kinda makes ya sick, don’t it?” a female voice from behind propelled Erin into the living area.
Katy followed her out of the small bedroom they’d been sharing, and Danna and Chas jumped away from each other, looking a bit embarrassed.
When they’d brought Erin back from the train station she’d had met Katy, the young woman Danna and Chas had discovered was orphaned during their whirlwind marriage and accepted as part of their family. Katy reminded her of Pete, a little rough around the edges, but sweet in spirit.
“They’re so lovey-dovey sometimes ya want to knock ’em on the head,” the girl said, moving into the kitchen and finding the cutlery. She began to set the table.
Danna took the baby from Chas, and he stepped to the stove to lift the coffeepot. He moved a cast-iron skillet to the stove and then retrieved eggs and a slab of salt pork.
Erin had been delighted and amazed when she’d first arrived to find that her brother did most of the cooking for the family because Danna couldn’t cook at all. She supposed a lot of men who lived on their own cooked for themselves, and her brother didn’t seem to mind.
“It seems jolly Saint Nick visited us in the night, and brought rather more than I expected,” said Chas, gesturing to the small pile of wrapped gifts in the corner of the front room near the sofa. He raised an eyebrow toward Erin.
She forced a wan smile. “Hmm,” she hummed noncommittally.
After the house had quieted last night she’d snuck into the living room and set out the things she’d brought for her brother and his family from Boston. The very packages she’d been juggling that had brought Jesse into her sphere.
She blinked. She must find a way to stop thinking of him every moment. It hurt too much.
“Here,” Danna said, handing the baby to Erin. She settled her niece on her shoulder with a gentle pat on her rump. The sleepy baby snuggled its face into Erin’s neck and, with a sigh, fell asleep.
“Katy, come outside and help me with the milk cow and feeding the horses,” Danna murmured, turning toward the door.
Katy made a face but shrugged into a coat and put on the boots next to the outer door and obediently followed.
Leaving Chas and Erin alone as he fried up the salt pork and eggs.
Not turning from the stove, his back to her, he asked, “You want to talk about it? Him?”
“What do you mean?�
�� She hoped he wasn’t referring to what he thought she was referring to.
He was. He gave her a pointed look over his shoulder even as he flipped something in the skillet. “You’ve been moping since you got off the train. I assume it has something to do with that Jesse character. You two seemed awful friendly at the station—more than just acquaintances.”
She kept her eyes on the tabletop. “Nothing untoward happened.”
“I didn’t think it had,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m guessing Father doesn’t know about him?”
“No. We only met when I was getting on the train in Boston. It’s not— He doesn’t mean anything to me.” Even as she said the words, she knew they weren’t true. She shook her head gently so as not to wake the baby. “He shouldn’t mean anything to me,” she amended. “I found out he’d only approached me to— Well, his purpose wasn’t pure, that’s for sure and certain.”
“Did he steal from you? Did he hurt you?” Her brother whirled, leaving the fork he’d been cooking with to clank against the pan. The sound startled Minnie, who squawked but then settled back to sleep as Erin rubbed her back.
“No! No, he didn’t do anything like that. He said he intended to in the beginning, but he’d changed his mind. He delivered me here and we parted company and that’s all.”
Chas gave her a long look as he went back to the cooking pan. “That’s not all,” he said, with rare brotherly insight.
She hesitated. “No, I suppose not.”
“If you don’t want to talk about that, perhaps we can discuss why you left home for a surprise Christmas visit in the first place. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. Danna and I are ecstatic to have you here.”
Erin gave a chagrined grin. “I’m sorry to have imposed. No, really—I know you weren’t expecting company. But I had to get away from Boston—had to have some distance from Father.”
“I can certainly understand that impulse.” He grinned over his shoulder. She knew he’d had his own falling out with their overbearing father, though she didn’t know all the details behind it. “May I ask why?”
She focused on the table again. “Now that I’ve come so far—” and met Jesse and Pete, who’d taught her much “—it seems a little silly and a little...selfish.”
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