by Noelle Adams
She and Silas ended up spending most of the day at Eden Manor.
Cassandra had assumed Silas would be able to whip together a scaffolding in very little time, but it ended up being a team effort. Joe and Vanessa, the contractors doing the building work at Eden Manor, stopped in to say hello and got involved in the project too. Several of the workers came by to see what was going on, and they stayed to offer their two cents on the construction as well.
Peter eventually made an appearance, when they were starting to put the scaffolding together, and he stayed to help.
Cassandra couldn’t help but laugh at the intensity with which everyone approached building the scaffolding, arguing over various strategies and thinking through various options. She would have thought Silas would be standoffish and a little annoyed, that so many people had come to join his efforts, but she realized as she watched him that he wasn’t.
He was enjoying himself. He wasn’t smiling, but his eyes were warm, and he was inwardly laughing as Joe and Vanessa argued over the best way to add a riser.
Silas must have been lonely, all this time he’d spent on his own. He might be an introvert by nature, but the kind of isolation he’d cultivated wasn’t good for anyone. He’d missed this kind of thing. He needed it. He needed at least a few friends.
As she watched him, she fervently hoped that this week marked a real change in him. Maybe he’d finally gotten over the grief and bitterness that had caused him to withdraw so completely.
At least it could be a start.
He turned his eyes toward her and caught her staring at him. He gave her an intimate little smile.
She blushed and glanced away, irrationally self-conscious.
They’d made love several hours ago. They’d been acting almost like a couple this week.
Maybe they were. Maybe they could be again. Maybe people really could change. Maybe relationships could heal.
She was feeling flustered and excited and embarrassed, so she moved away from the group and went to look out the window. The dining room faced out onto the side yard, and she paused when she saw two little girls running around with hydrangea branches in their hands.
The girls were pretty and brown-haired and laughing, and they were followed by Kelly and a sweet-faced, curvy woman who had to be her sister Rose. Rose was holding a baby—who appeared to be a boy if his little blue sailor suit was any indication.
The children must be Kelly and Peter’s nieces and nephew. Cassandra smiled in automatic pleasure at the sight.
She felt an arm go around her waist and a hard, warm body press against her back. She looked up and smiled at Silas.
“I didn’t realize it was going to be such a production,” he murmured in her ear.
She laughed softly. “If we don’t get rid of some of these helpers, it’s never going to get done.”
“It’ll get done.”
She felt so close to him right now. She knew something was about to happen between them. They were going to give it another try. They were going to live as husband and wife again. They were going to try to overcome everything that had stood between them before.
It was a Saturday afternoon in July, and her life was about to change.
She stared out the window at the girls playing with their branches, waving them around like they were batons. Then they both dropped the branches and ran over to their mother—Kelly’s sister, Rose.
They both hugged her at the same time, as she held the baby out of the way. Her eyes conveyed such love for the children it was obvious even from this far away.
Cassandra experienced a crash of grief so strong it almost leveled her.
She’d wanted to have babies since she was four years old, and if she stayed with Silas, she would never have any, at least not the way she’d always wanted. She would have to give that dream up completely.
It hurt. So much. And it hurt even more because, for the first time, she was actually acknowledging that she could live with it. She could even be happy without it.
The knowledge and the profound ache in her chest were too much to process all at once. All she could do was keep herself from shaking, from crying.
Silas released her and stepped back. Maybe he’d recognized she needed a little space.
By the time she was able to turn around and say something, he’d already gone back to the others to finish the scaffolding. He wasn’t looking at her now, but she watched him.
She loved him. She’d never stopped. And, if he still loved her, if he was willing to make an effort, then she wanted to give their marriage another try.
She spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out how to tell him this.
***
It was almost six in the evening when Silas walked her back to her mother’s car, which she’d driven to Eden Manor earlier. His truck was parked beside it.
She felt nervous and fidgety and reluctant to say anything. It should be an easy thing to do. It was apparently what he wanted, and she’d realized it was what she wanted too.
But Silas seemed different all of a sudden, withdrawn in a way he hadn’t been since she’d first seen him on Monday.
Maybe he was just tired. Maybe he’d been around too many people today. Surely it didn’t have anything to do with her.
When they reached their cars, she turned to face him, putting her hand on his chest. “Thanks for building the scaffolding.”
“No problem. I had a lot of help.”
Something was wrong. His eyes looked hooded, like he was hiding something from her.
She was almost breathless with nerves, but she made herself ask, “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
“It looks like something’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong. I’m just tired. It’s been a long week, and I’m not used to being around people.”
“You were the one who wanted me to see you every day this week.”
“I know. You held up your end of the bargain.” His voice was unnaturally cool, composed. “I’ll sign the divorce papers. Just have your lawyer send them my way.”
She gaped at him, her eyes wide and her body washed with a sudden chill. “The divorce papers?”
“Yes. I shouldn’t have been so stubborn about them. It wasn’t a fair thing to do to you. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t—“ She cut herself off, trying to process what was happening. It was like a bad dream. Like she’d gone back in time. She’d been about to tell him that she wanted them to stay together after all, and now she couldn’t.
She just couldn’t—not in the face of a Silas who looked like this, like his real self was completely hidden from her, the way it had been when she’d left him three years ago.
Maybe things hadn’t changed after all.
“You were right,” Silas went on, looking at her but not seeming to see her. “It wasn’t going to work out between us.”
“I…I had a good time this week.”
“So did I. Thank you for that.”
She dropped her eyes, praying he wouldn’t see how much her heart was breaking right now. “Okay. Thank you. Goodbye.”
He leaned over to brush his lips against her cheek. “Goodbye.”
It was supposed to just be a goodbye at the end of the day, but it felt like a lot more than that as Cassandra got into her mother’s car and drove away.
Sunday
Cassandra didn’t sleep again that night, and she was so sad and exhausted the following morning she could barely limp her way down the stairs to her parents’ kitchen.
Her mother gave her a friendly good-morning, and her father grunted without looking up from his newspaper. He was a man of few words, but she’d always known he loved her. She’d never once doubted it.
“What’s the matter?” her mother asked, as Cassandra greeted them as naturally as she could and went to pour herself a cup of coffee.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to us. You look like you’ve been crying.”
“What happened with Silas?” her mother asked, patting a place at the table in an obvious invitation for Cassandra to sit down. “Tell us right now.”
Her father even looked up from his newspaper and raised his eyebrows.
Cassandra sighed. “He wants to go through with the divorce.”
“No, he doesn’t.” Her mother frowned and shook her head. “You’re never going to convince me that’s what he wants.”
“It is. He said so.”
“Then he didn’t mean it.”
“Of course he did. Why else would he say so?”
“Because the man is hopelessly contrary. He’s always emotionally sabotaging himself. You know this as well as we do. What happened before he told you this?”
“Nothing. He was building me the scaffolding in the dining room at Eden Manor.” She thought back to yesterday, which had now become almost a blur from her tumultuous emotions. “Nothing happened. One minute he was fine, and then he was…”
She trailed off, suddenly remembering something that had happened. She’d thought it had happened only inside her own mind, but Silas knew her very well. Maybe he’d been able to tell.
She sucked in a breath. “He saw me watching the kids.”
Her mother’s face relaxed, as if she understood, and her father even said, “Yep.”
“He knows how much you’ve always wanted children.” Her mother’s voice was very gentle.
“Yeah. I know. But…”
“He knows he can’t give them to you.”
“But that’s not reason enough to…” She paused to clear her throat. “I love him, whether we have kids or not.”
“Is that really true?”
Cassandra gasped. “Of course it’s true.”
Her mother shook her head. “I’m not sure he knows that, dear.”
“I told him that before—back then. I told him that over and over again.”
“But he saw how tightly you clung to your vision for the future. He didn’t believe you. I’m not surprised he doesn’t know that maybe you’ve changed as much as he has. You need to let him know, dear. You need to make sure he knows you’ve let go of that vision.”
Cassandra breathed fast and shallow as she tried to think through this possibility. “I did the best I could. It was hard, but I…I always wanted our marriage to work. I had just…just always assumed that my life would go a certain way.”
“I know you did. But life isn’t like that. It’s never what we think it’s going to be, and if we somehow get what we’ve dreamed of, it’s never exactly what we thought.” Her mother reached over to pat her arm. “Life is strange and surprising and heartbreaking and beautiful, but only because we don’t control the outcome.” She took a sip of coffee. “We only our control our own choices.”
Cassandra knew what she’d chosen. She was just afraid to do it—since she had absolutely no idea how it would turn out.
“You’ve always been so brave. You went to New York, when so many people wouldn’t have taken the chance. You can do this too.”
“Don’t nag her, Helen,” her father said brusquely. “She knows what to do.” Then he picked up his newspaper again as if the issue were decided.
Maybe it was.
She did know what to do.
Her mother smiled. “You don’t have to know what’s going to happen. Just tell him the truth.”
Cassandra sat with her coffee for a long time in silence, until she found the courage to get up.
If she didn’t go to see Silas today, she would lose him for good.
She would do whatever she needed to keep that from happening.
***
After she took a shower and got dressed, she drove out to Silas’s cabin.
She expected him to be working already. For as long as she’d known him, when he was upset about something, he would bury himself in work.
So she was surprised when she tapped on the door to the workshop and discovered he wasn’t inside. He wasn’t in the cabin either.
His truck was parked in its normal spot, though, so he must be around somewhere. He’d either taken a hike, or he was at the lake.
She’d never be able to find him if he’d decided to walk for miles this morning—which he sometimes did—so she took the trail to the lake to see if he was there.
He was.
She saw his broad shoulders and thick beard before he realized she was standing on the trail behind him. He had a fishing rod lying beside him, but he hadn’t cast it into the water.
He sat completely still, and something about the tension in his body struck her as incredibly sad, lonely.
She hated to see him that way.
She cleared her throat, and he jerked and turned to look at her. He normally had senses and reflexes like a cat, so she knew he’d been distracted just now, if he hadn’t heard her approach.
“What are you doing here?” he bit out.
She took a shuddering breath and walked over until she could sit beside him on the rock, in her usual place.
The first time she’d sat here beside him, she’d been fifteen years old. He’d been a couple years older—cool and aloof and humoring a girl with a crush.
She’d loved him for so long.
“I thought you would talk to your lawyer,” he said, slanting her a few close looks, as if he were trying to figure her out.
“I don’t want to talk to my lawyer.”
“Why not?”
She was ridiculously nervous. It shouldn’t be so hard to say this. But it was—it would leave her completely naked, completely vulnerable.
She said it anyway. “I don’t have to have kids, Silas.”
The words evidently surprised him so much he visibly jerked. “What?”
“I don’t have to have kids. I think I could be happy without them.”
“No, you couldn’t,” he said, his brow lowering as he realized what was happening. “You’ve always said so, but it’s never been true. I saw your face yesterday. You’ve always needed kids of your own.”
“I know. I know. But I was wrong to believe that my life had to look only one way. That’s what I was thinking about yesterday, when you saw me looking out the window. It hurt—a lot—because I realized how narrow I’d been. I was wrong, Silas. I was wrong to put all that pressure on you. I’m so sorry.” Tears spilled out of her eyes and streamed down her cheeks.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he said gruffly. “It’s not wrong to want kids. I understand. I should never have asked you to stay, when I know I can’t give you what you want.”
“But that’s what I’m trying to say. What I wanted before was too—too narrow. I have no idea what will really make me happy. I just know that I love you. I want you, whether you can give me kids or not.”
He stared at her fixedly, his lips parting slightly.
“I mean it, Silas.”
“You don’t.”
“I do. I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I realize now that before I…I kept showing you how disappointed I was and acting like I was disappointed in you, because my life wasn’t going to turn out the way I’d always envisioned it. I’m so sorry for that, Silas. It wasn’t fair to you. It was wrong.”
He made a choked sound and reached out for her, stopping himself just before he touched her.
“I mean it, Silas. I’m telling you the truth right now.”
He made another sound—helpless, almost desperate—and pulled her into a tight hug.
She clung to him, burying her face into his chest, feeling safe and secure and right for the first time in so long.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he muttered, his arms tightening around her almost bruisingly. “I shouldn’t have pulled away from you.”
“I know. What happened wasn’t all my fault, but it was partly my fault. It was both of our faults. And I stupidly never realized it before. I never meant to treat you that way. I’m so sorry.”
“I love you, baby. I’ve never loved anyone else.”
“Me either.” She lifted her face and let him kiss her very gently. “I don’t want a divorce. I want to try again—if that’s what you want too.”
“Of course, it’s what I want. I just didn’t want to keep trapping you in a marriage that could never make you happy.”
“It can make me happy. It might just look different than I’d always assumed. I’m okay with that now. I really am. I have no idea how my life is going to turn out. I just know I want to do it with you.”
He adjusted her so she was leaning against his chest, but he didn’t remove his arms from around her. She leaned against him, so happy she could barely handle it and still crying a little.
“We can look into procedures,” he said. “I know I said I didn’t want to do any of that, if I couldn’t be the father. But I will. I’ll do anything I can to make you happy.”
She sniffed. “Thank you. But I’d rather think about adoption.”
“But you said you wanted a baby that was really—“
“I know what I said. We can talk about it later and figure out what we want to do. I was wrong in so many ways. Things are different now.” She looked up at him with a wet smile. “I’m different.”
“I am too. I never knew how miserable it was possible to be until I tried to live my life without you.”
“Let’s not do it again. I know it will take some work from both of us, but I think we can really do it this time.”
“Sounds good to me.”
They sat together by the lake for a long time, occasionally talking, occasionally kissing, occasionally just holding each other. And Cassandra experienced happiness in a way she’d never believed was possible before—completely contrary to her expectations, a life that looked nothing like she’d ever imagined.
But better—so much better—because it was real and not just a dream.
***
They spent an hour or two by the lake, talking through a lot of things they’d never really talked through before. Then they went back to the cabin and made love, after which Cassandra was so exhausted she fell asleep for longer than she would have expected.
After they ate a late lunch, Cassandra wanted to see the stained glass windows for Eden Manor that Silas had worked on.