by Jani Kay
He looked so tired and worn out and I was probably overreacting, but I didn’t care. The adrenalin that had coursed through my body needed an outlet and I let it all loose, ranting like a crazed woman. I didn’t know if I wanted to hit him or kiss him again, so great was my relief that he was okay.
Alive.
Loving someone as much as I loved Ryder scared the shit out of me, because if I lost him—
I can’t bear the thought.
He’d promised me he’d stop taking on dangerous assignments, and I’d been lulled into a false sense of security since we’d moved to Malibu. We’d hardly been at the compound for twenty-four hours and already things were going to shit.
“Princess, calm the fuck down.” He grabbed hold of my wrist with his free hand and pulled me closer. “Look. I’m alive.” His eyes softened as he held my gaze. “No need to be afraid any more. Everything is going to be okay, baby.”
My whole body trembled as I stood against him, my knees weak and my heart racing. I shook my head. “No, that’s what you always say, and I can’t take it anymore. It’s got to stop, Ryder. I want you to promise me it’s not going to happen again.”
His back stiffened. “I get that you’re upset, but my brothers need me too. The Scorpio Stingers, and particularly Cobra and Mia, have been my family since I was a kid. I can’t walk away now; I can’t desert them when they need me. I have to do what is right, Jade.”
“I can’t believe you just said that. I can’t believe you choose them over me and our twins.” All the blood drained from my face.
Ryder shook his head, a deep frown marring his brow. “It’s not like that. It’s not a matter of choosing between my biker family and you and our family. What I want is the best for everyone. But right now, my job as VP of this club is to step up, to take over and run this place for as long as I need to. It’s an oath I took, a vow to my brothers, sealed with blood.” He sighed. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I would like your support. I want to know that you back me on this. That you will be by my side while we go through this together.”
All my senses reeled. I pulled my hand free from Ryder’s and took a step back, away from him. I just couldn’t deal with this, as much as I tried to understand his point of view. “You know I love you. You know I will support you in every way I possibly can. But what you’re asking me . . . asking me to turn a blind eye while you risk your life . . . I don’t know if I can do it. I can’t watch knowing that your life may be taken away at any moment just because of the loyalty you have to this club.”
Ryder gave me a wry smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. His voice was low and sad. “If you’d been through the kind of childhood that I have you might understand better, so I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. But when I had nobody, when Marianne left me and Maxwell, and when I was thrown into that juvie hellhole falsely for killing Tiny, it was the Malone family who took me in.” Ryder rubbed the back of his neck. “They saved my life. If it weren’t for them, I would probably be dead by now. I owe them my life, Jade. I’ll do whatever it takes to repay the debt I still owe.” He turned his back to me and went to stand by the window, staring out into the darkness.
My whole body went cold from the inside out. Icicles formed around my heart. “No, no you don’t. I don’t think Cobra or anyone else would expect you to risk your life when you have your own responsibilities to your new family. And I’m sure that you have repaid that debt over and over to the Malone family. When are you going to let it go and realize that there is more to your life now than the club?”
Ryder turned to face me. “How do you ever repay a debt like that? What is enough? I have no idea. All I know is that right now, the club and the boys need me. It’s not that I don’t care about you, because fuck me, you are the most important thing in my life. You are what makes everything worth living for—worth fighting for, baby.”
“Really? You want me to believe that? Then show me. Let’s go back to our old life, the one we had only a day ago. I want to go back to the real world, not be locked up here waiting, worrying, fearing for the worst. That’s not the life I want. That’s not what I signed up for.”
A small, sad smile twisted Ryder’s lips. “Life isn’t always black and white—there’s a fuck-load of shades of gray in between. Some shades are so dark that we only whisper about them, and other shades so light they bring us joy and some reprieve from our heavy load in this fucked up world.”
“I know that. The gray is the hardest part of life.”
Ryder closed the gap between us, his breath hard and heavy as his eyes pleaded with me. “You are the light, Jade. But for us to be able to see the bright side, we must also know the dark. Be my light, baby, my comfort and solace. I need you now more than ever before.”
He hypnotized me with his words, and I wanted to believe him so fucking badly. I wanted to be all he ever needed. But it wasn’t that simple. I had to be true to myself. Honest, even if it was brutal.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Ryder. I don’t fit into this world. I don’t want to exist in fear, wondering when someone is going to come for you. It’s not the way I want to live my life, or the future I want for my children.”
Ryder sank into a chair. He looked exhausted and drained, and I hated that we weren’t on the same page at a time like this. My heart went out to him, but I couldn’t back down because this was important to me. I had to be strong for the sake of our survival.
“Do you think that’s what I want? Then you’ve got it all wrong.” He paused for a beat. “I want the best life for you, for our kids, and for us, baby. I will do anything in my power to make that happen. I want you to always remember that.”
Words were one thing, actions another. He needed to show me how much he meant it, not just tell me. He had to get out of the club and start a new life free from everything that being part of a motorcycle club entailed.
“Well how are we going to solve this? I hate being here, because every time I’ve stayed at the compound bad things have happened. You feel as if you need to be in this terrible place. There’s no easy solution.” I went to where Ryder sat and kneeled by his feet, taking his hand in mine and kissing it.
He leaned forward in the chair and holding my chin between his fingers, he lifted my face to his and held my gaze. “Can we try to do this for a few more days until I’ve figured things out? I get what you want me to do, but I can’t just walk out of here right now. I’m so fucking drained that I can’t think straight. Please, princess, give me time. Let’s sleep on it and talk more in the morning. I just want to hold you in my arms and get some rest. You need it too.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. I couldn’t deny his request and we both needed sleep.
“I’ll give it a try, but only because you asked me to.”
Ryder’s face brightened. He cupped my jaw with his whole hand, his thumb stroking my cheek. “It means a lot to me. I need you by my side, Princess. Without you I am only half a man. We can do this together.”
He really didn’t get it. I scrunched up my nose. “I’m only giving you a few days to sort stuff out. But then we leave because this life is not normal—it’s fucking crazy. It’s dangerous. And you never know when someone is coming for you. I don’t understand how you can live like this.”
Ryder’s back stiffened. “To me this is normal. Your life . . . the way you live is crazy to me. But I try to fit into your world; I try to adjust only because I want to make you happy.”
My heart squeezed. “What are you saying, Ryder? Does that mean that you’re not happy when you’re not here?”
“What I’m saying is that my home is wherever you are. It’s not one specific place. You, Jade, hold my life and my happiness in your hands.”
I shook my head. “If that were really true you wouldn’t ask me to stay here. You’d come with me back to the real world where we could be happy and safe.”
“Ahhh . . . if only things were that simple.”
“I
don’t see anything wrong with simple. Simple is good, simple is safe—simple means we get to grow old together.”
Ryder’s hand dropped back into his lap. His jaw set in that stubborn way I’d seen so many times before. “Jade, you know as well as I do that this life is in my blood. You knew that from the first day you laid eyes on me. You can’t ask me to change who I am. I thought you loved me.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. How could he ever question my feelings? “Of course I love you. There’s no question in my mind. I love everything about you.” I rose to my feet and gestured to the space around us. “But does that have to include this for the rest of our lives? I can only do it for a few days, no more.”
“This place is home to me and has been for most of my life. I know it’s not much but it’s not about the walls around me—it’s about the people inside it.”
I took a step backward, away from Ryder. Disappointment washed over me. “How can you choose to live here instead of a place of our own?”
Ryder groaned and combed his fingers through his hair. “Princess, you’re just being stubborn. Must be those pregnancy hormones messing with you.”
My man was pretty good at evading questions when it suited him. And sometimes refusing to give an answer was in effect an answer.
“Hmmm . . . these days my hormones get blamed for everything. But this is serious. We’re getting married, and this is the beginning of our forever. I want us to both to love where we live. To put down roots, to be part of a community, and to teach our children all about the good life. This is not the place to do that.”
“I know this place isn’t perfect.” Maybe I was getting through to him after all.
I licked my dry lips and kept going. “Look what happened to Jamie, and now the shooting. It’s not safe for children in the compound, and I refuse to subject our twins to danger in the future.”
“Jade, you’re not being fair. I want that, too. But if you think this place and my brothers aren’t good enough for you, that’s like a slap in the face.”
Good Lord. My patience was wearing thin, and neither of us were going to back down. I let out a long sigh. “You know I like the boys and most of the girls, so I’m not trying to be superior or to insult anybody. I’m just trying to look out for the best interests of our little family. I guess when a person becomes a parent things change. Priorities change.”
We were going around in circles, and my head was hurting. Closing my eyes, I rubbed at my temples.
Ryder came to stand in front of me, but he didn’t reach out to touch me. “Jade, I promise that I will make it up to you, but right now I have to deal with this danger the club is facing.”
“Whatever, Ryder,” I said, tired to the bone. I was worn out from worry, and I’d had enough of this conversation. “I’m going to take a shower and go to bed. I’m exhausted.”
As soon as I got to the bathroom I closed the door and leaned against it, all my energy drained. I’d never shut Ryder out on purpose, but all I wanted was a moment to myself.
What was happening to us?
10 — Jade
Living at the clubhouse was a lot different than just visiting occasionally. With every passing day I knew that I’d never fit in completely, but I was going to give it my best shot for Ryder’s sake. It was the least I could do.
I needed to do some washing. I grabbed the bag with our dirty clothes and made my way to the laundry.
As I walked to the club room, I was surprised to find a few bodies strewn over the couches, men and women who seemed to have had a good night and just passed out right where they were. I couldn’t fathom what kind of person wouldn’t at least want to crawl to his or her own bed, but I decided to suspend judgement and pretend it was an everyday occurrence I was used to witnessing.
As I tried to unlock the sliding door to the courtyard, I heard the moaning sounds of a woman growing louder until I realized those were the noises a female made before she had an orgasm.
What?
Yeah, I loved when Ryder fucked me outdoors. It was sexy as hell, and we could be caught at any moment which just heightened the senses and made it so much more exhilarating. As much as what fucking where someone could stumble across us at any second was hot, I drew the line when it came to people I actually knew finding us. That would just be gross.
I turned my head to where the sounds came from and saw a man’s naked ass move up and down, a woman’s legs around his hips as he pumped into her on the carpet. It was like watching a car accident. I couldn’t look away. I stood frozen to the spot, unsure of what to do. Were they aware that I was there?
“Scream for me, babe.” I thought I recognized the man’s voice but I couldn’t be sure.
As if on cue, the woman moaned louder. “Oh yeah, give it to me hard.”
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was turned on. I’d never seen anything like that, and heat darted through me straight to my core. Damn those hormones.
With my eyes wide, I watched him roll her over until she was on top. Her tits jiggled as she rode his cock. He reached out and slapped her ass and then her breast before he turned his head and smiled at me while squeezing her nipples.
I nearly dropped the basket. He was getting off on the fact that he knew I was watching. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. Casting my eyes down, I turned and ran back down the passage to my and Ryder’s room.
I smacked straight into a hard body, and the basket flew out of my hands and landed at my feet. “Shit.”
Razor laughed. “You’re in a hurry this morning.”
“I . . . I forgot something.” Heat rose from my chest to my cheeks. Did Razor know what I’d just seen?
Next thing, a shoe came from inside the room I just passed—Lexi’s room— and hit Razor on the side of his head before it dropped to the floor like a brick.
“Fuck!” He rubbed his head as he scowled.
“Don’t you ever come knocking on my door again,” Lexi yelled from inside. It was only then that I noticed that Razor was fastening the top button of his jeans.
“Oh, you can bet your sweet tits on it that I’ll be back,” Razor roared. “You’ll be begging me for more by tonight.”
Good Lord. I was a horny bitch, but it seemed as if the compound was like a brothel.
“You aren’t the only one with a big ego and a big dick around here you know.” Sarcasm dripped from my cousin’s voice, and I had to suppress a giggle.
Razor’s eyes went feral, the glint I’d seen there only moments ago fading to rage. “Bitch, I catch another man anywhere near your pussy . . . my pussy, he’s fucking dead.”
The door slammed closed, and I rolled my eyes as I picked up the dirty washing and placed it back into the basket. I wasn’t sure if Lexi was aware that I’d just overheard her and Razor squabbling. It was hard to keep up with those two. One minute they were all over one another, and the next they’d broken up. I guessed this was the latter.
He strode off in the direction of the kitchen muttering words under his breath about not understanding women, throwing in a wide selection of curse words to express his frustration. I chuckled softly and quickly continued down the hallway before I bumped into anyone else.
As I passed Logan’s room, I heard a banging noise come from the inside. At first I was alarmed because the banging was against the wall, and I wondered if he’d locked himself in or if something was wrong. But then I heard more sex noises, and a woman screaming his name.
“Logan, oh God.” The moan was so loud that I couldn’t help wondering if everyone could hear me coming, too, when Ryder and I were having sex. My cheeks burned as if they were on fire.
Then I heard another woman’s demanding voice. “My turn. Fuck me now, Logan.”
Okay, so Logan was getting some serious action with not one but two chicks. And since lockdown, no one was allowed in or out of the compound, so I had to know both girls.
I bit into my lower lip, squirming as my panties grew damper. I had to f
ind Ryder and fast, because I needed him in a bad way.
11 — Jade
Three days later, I’d been cooped up in the room for far too long and needed some fresh air. I pulled a brush through my hair and tied it up into a ponytail. It would have to do because I just couldn’t be bothered with my appearance. I’d hardly been able to sleep since coming to the compound. Listening to Ryder roll around all night long, knowing that he was worried and anxious, didn’t help either.
Both Ryder and I were restless, although for different reasons. He’d gotten up while it was still dark and left the room. He liked to go and sit in the president’s office and mull things over. Ryder needed space and even though I felt a desperate urge to go find him, I resisted.
When Ryder was ready to be with me again he would be the one to seek me out. I just had to be patient and wait for him to come to me. He always did, and that knowledge alone gave me comfort.
I pulled on my sneakers and decided to go for a walk in the yard the only place I was allowed to go to be outdoors. It was almost like being in prison, in the concrete area surrounded by ugly buildings.
I sucked in a deep breath as I stepped outside. It was the place where barbecues, parties, and celebrations were usually held. Where all the brothers and their women got together to have fun. It was also the place from where Jamie had been abducted. Even in the heart of the club building it wasn’t necessarily safe, but hell, I’d take my chances to stretch my legs and get some exercise.
“Hey, Jade, how ya doing?”
I’d recognize that strong Australian accent anywhere. I spun around to face Logan, happy for some company.
Ratbag’s brother had the same features as him, and for a second it was as if my old friend stood in front of me. Of all the bikers, I’d connected best with Ratbag and I missed him now that his cheery face wasn’t around and never would be again.
“Hey, Logan. How you doing?” I said, trying my best to imitate his accent but failing miserably.